Is this guy TOO MUCH or what? I've made bad decisions with guys in the past..

[blueidealist24]

As some of you might know from my previous threads, I've become involved with some questionable guys lately.

 

Anyway, I gave this guy my phone number the other night. I'd been talking to him on Plenty of Fish and also on msn and I found him to be very nice.. he didn't try to talk to me about sex or try to get me on cam like a lof of the other guys I've talked to on dating sites.

 

Anyway, he started texting me multiple times a day, stuff like 'have a great day' and 'wake up with a smile on your face for me today'. One time, it was after 11 and I was sleeping, so that annoyed me a little. He also wants to know exactly when I'll be online and like plan the conversations.. a guy who used to do this in the past ended up being a little weird so anytime he asked me to go on at a certain time I purposely become 'busy.' He seems a bit of a control/schedule freak since he keeps telling me exact times he's doing things too, like I'll be at hockey from 7:30-9:30. Some of the texts are just soooo cheesy though, like 'hope you're smiling!' I don't want a negative downer guy who annoys me, but this one is just.. really over the top. Could it be that he's actually just nice and I've forgotten what a nice guy is like, since I had so many rude ones? I don't want to throw something away that could be good. He said he wanted to find his soulmate on the dating site and I said that was my ideal goal but I didn't try to think about it when I first started talking to someone. He said I shouldn't be afraid of being hurt. If we were in a relationship all this texting crap would be ok with me, but we HAVEN'T EVEN MET. Our meet won't be for TWO WEEKS if it even happens, I don't think I can take all his texting until then!

 

Anyway, I should call it quits, right? It's like I can't stand a standoffish guy OR a clingy guy. Maybe I just want the opposite of what I have.. or I just need to find someone in the middle, and I haven't found that yet.. I have no idea.

[lila...]

Personally, that would turn me off. Hey, I like nice guys with a positive attitude too, but that's way too over the top for me. I wouldn't even meet him as it could get worse later!

[LeftBehind]

Call it quits. Not in general, but just with this guy. I used to BE that guy, and I know exactly where it leads. It is cheesy, and really annoying when you see it from an outsider's perspective. I used to send the stupid, smothering lovey dovey notes all the time and it totally snuffed out the spark with the woman I was seeing at the time.

[Godless_Heathen]

He sounds kind of desperate, and he's trying too hard as a result. I've been there. This doesn't mean he's a loser, but it is really hard to deal with. I don't know how old he is or how old you are, but I had to go through about 3 cycles of doing this kind of thing in my early 20's, each time getting rejected because I was putting pressure on a girl who hardly knew me. Eventually I met one who let me down gently and I grew enough self-confidence not to do it anymore.

 

In short, you should probably walk away, because what he's doing isn't emotionally healthy, and it won't be good if you do continue.

[blueidealist24]

He's 29, and I'm 25. He mentioned recently getting out of a relationship of 4-5 months, like shortly before Christmas I think, so he COULD be on the rebound.

 

It gets worse.. I told him I couldn't stay up until 11 to talk to him on msn tonight. That was a lie, since I'm here right now. He was supposed to be out at some sports thing until 11, but he's like I'll go home right now if you're still up! also on text, the second text of the night I didn't reply to after telling him I couldn't talk.. the first one just said ok or whatever.. anyway then I went on the dating site and saw him on there and immediately signed out since I felt bad that I lied. I signed back in awhile later to see if he was gone, and he'd messaged me saying that he was sorry he missed me and wanted to know if we could talk tomorrow.. I had already said I wouldn't be around tomorrow since I had work at night.. guess he didn't even LISTEN to me.

 

Anyway he said he'd take his laptop to his parents' house in case I wanted to email him. Bahaha. I've been clingy before, but I've never been THIS bad! Not before MEETING, anyway! I think I'm gonna tell him to cool it before meeting. Has it not entered his head that he might not even LIKE ME after we meet?! Although I'm not sure if I actually am going to meet him after all. He kind of invited himself to my town (he lives in a nearby one), so that's another red flag. He asked me to add him to facebook, but I didn't because then he would know my last name and be able to look up my address.

[lila...]

Lol...wow. This is why you shouldn't give your number out without getting to know the person first. I've met guys like this before. He sounds like he's going to be a clinger and moody. I would slowly start to drift off and stop replying to his texts. And if he wants an explanation (which he most likely will), I'd tell him I met someone else and wish him the best of luck.

[camus154]

Listen to your gut. It's almost never wrong. This guy might be great for someone else, but obviously not for you (or, I suspect, a large percentage of women).

[blueidealist24]

Oh yes, he will want an explanation. Before he started acting like this, we had a discussion on how honesty is the best policy in dating. Sigh. But I assumed that dating meant after we went on a first date.. he thinks it means after we start talking apparently! We've only been talking for like 5 days too.

 

He said at one point he didn't want to date a girl who isn't over an ex. So I'm going to somehow work an ex into the excuse for not being able to go out with him. It's actually semi-true since I'm not quite over this other guy I liked before Christmas, even though he was a jerk and wasn't an EX.. lol he was the opposite of this guy, an anti-clinger haha, I was more the clinger in that interaction but nowhere near as big of a clinger as the guy I'm talking about in this thread.

[Furtive]

I think you should just tell him the truth, and don't be shy about it or bend it.

 

Let him know it makes you feel uncomfortable (that he does this; your reason here), and follow that by saying you won't be meeting and this is the last text he will receive from you.

 

Done deal, and block his number. He knows what's up and can improve himself, and he's never met you so he can't feel too bad.

[chr8st8na]

UM he is not my cup of tea too. I don't like guys who do that but I have girl friends who want that sort of man. So if you already feel like he is trying too hard then yea he is but maybe he's just that type of guy and your not in to that type of guy. Just tell him you already know you two are not compatible going by the communication that has been going on.

[scklbad]

hmmm..reading this post he does sound more cheesy than he did on skype....lol hope you are smiling... * * * ?

still it can;t hurt to meet him for coffee in a safe place..he already has your number.

like you told me...it will atleast give you experience to meet these guys..and he isn't bad looking....so only reject them if they are awfu

then again you are at a slightly different place than I am as far as dates go but still

[Godless_Heathen]

Lol...wow. This is why you shouldn't give your number out without getting to know the person first.

I disagree with this. While there are always going to be guys like this, it's also important to talk on the phone as early as possible. You learn almost nothing about a person by exchanging emails or texts. Yes, it does mean you might have to screen phone calls if you get someone you don't like who won't go away immediately, but honestly, who doesn't screen phone calls now? I get 10 junk phone calls for every real one, and I'm on the Do Not Call list.

[blueidealist24]

I actually don't know how to block someone's number.. I may not need to though. I am going to 'end' things with him but I'm not gonna block him on anything unless he becomes 'crazy'. I think if I tell him now he won't get too mad, but if I waited and ignored him he'd get more mad, I know from experience because if guys ignore me/won't give me an explanation I start bugging them online until I have an 'answer'.. I never blow up someone's phone though, for some reason it seems more like a stalker to do that.

[blueidealist24]

I disagree with this. While there are always going to be guys like this, it's also important to talk on the phone as early as possible. You learn almost nothing about a person by exchanging emails or texts. Yes, it does mean you might have to screen phone calls if you get someone you don't like who won't go away immediately, but honestly, who doesn't screen phone calls now? I get 10 junk phone calls for every real one, and I'm on the Do Not Call list.

 

I haven't actually spoken on the phone with him, like with voice. We've only been texting. I actually only exchanged numbers with him since I might be going to the mall near where he lives in the next week or so and we were thinking of meeting up then. I wasn't in that much of a hurry to meet but he seemed to be more in a hurry.

[Batya33]

I think you should exchange a few emails or texts, have one phone conversation for about 20 minutes and if you feel you would be comfortable meeting this person in public for 45 minutes for coffee, meet ASAP - especially since you seem to get attached through typing and you tend to analyze everything about what is typed/when/how often - and that detracts and distracts from the goal here which is- if I am not mistaken -to date someone in person to see if there is serious potential. If i'm wrong and you just really want a flirting chat buddy then what you're doing is effective.

[blueidealist24]

I think you should exchange a few emails or texts, have one phone conversation for about 20 minutes and if you feel you would be comfortable meeting this person in public for 45 minutes for coffee, meet ASAP - especially since you seem to get attached through typing and you tend to analyze everything about what is typed/when/how often - and that detracts and distracts from the goal here which is- if I am not mistaken -to date someone in person to see if there is serious potential. If i'm wrong and you just really want a flirting chat buddy then what you're doing is effective.

 

No, I don't just want a chat buddy, this excessive chat stuff really ends up happening since I pick people too far away from me so I can't meet them quickly. I probably shouldn't talk to people who live that far, since I don't always have a car to drive, but I don't have a lot of options in my own town.

 

There was one guy who lived closer who I just had a few messages with and then met. I considered that a more normal exchange. I have no problems meeting, it's just logistics.

[lila...]

I disagree with this. While there are always going to be guys like this, it's also important to talk on the phone as early as possible. You learn almost nothing about a person by exchanging emails or texts. Yes, it does mean you might have to screen phone calls if you get someone you don't like who won't go away immediately, but honestly, who doesn't screen phone calls now? I get 10 junk phone calls for every real one, and I'm on the Do Not Call list.

 

I actually agree with you. I think talking on the phone early on is important- it tells you a lot about the person and can mean the difference between wanting to meet them or not. The reason I advice against giving out numbers early on (on dating websites) is because I've had experiences where I thought the guy was decent enough, gave him my number, and had that person text non-stop, meaningless things and just annoy me. And I just hate knowing that some random, crazy guy out there now has my phone number (just me being paranoid). Now I exchange at least a few conversations before I give them my number. You usually get a sense of what the person is like.

[Batya33]

No, I don't just want a chat buddy, this excessive chat stuff really ends up happening since I pick people too far away from me so I can't meet them quickly. I probably shouldn't talk to people who live that far, since I don't always have a car to drive, but I don't have a lot of options in my own town.

 

There was one guy who lived closer who I just had a few messages with and then met. I considered that a more normal exchange. I have no problems meeting, it's just logistics.

 

What I would do is stick to people who live within a half hour by car or public transportation and start to make plans now to relocate to a larger town or city where there is a large singles population (which is what I did, I probably wouldn't have had the relationships I did, or be married now, if I hadn't).

[Stay_home]

A little too desperate, that's usually not a great sign especially considering the fact that he hasn't seen you before. For him to be so overzealous this soon makes me question his level of vulnerability as well as his sensibility when it comes to these things as far as being so gullible. Or is he the kind of guy that a woman becomes his soul purpose and destiny in his life? You'll be on a pedestal before you know it, if not already.

[Destiny78]

Yep. He sounds needy. I was just reading a blog post about red flags to watch for on a first date at link removed (you may find it interesting) - this guy has red flags BEFORE the first date!

 

If he's annoying you now with his cheesiness then think about a few months from now! Although, maybe if you tell him to stop trying so hard he will back off - but sounds like he doesn't know what trying too hard is...or he wouldn't be doing it you know?

[blueidealist24]

He's blocked me on the dating site, so I can't reproduce the message that I sent him, but basically I told him that he was a nice guy but he came on a bit strong considering we hadn't met, and I didn't think it could work between us because he was looking for something more serious than me (that might not be true, I really think he's looking for something more CLINGY, but I didn't want to say that). Then I apologized for wasting his time. I thought I was very cordial.. much more than some people have been with me when they're not interested, anyway. Anyway, I got an angry text from him this evening that said "sorry for showing interest in you, hope you find some a-hole to go out with, they're everywhere." I didn't answer.. I got the bossy/controlling vibe from him and I think I was right to begin with. Imagine how he would act if we broke up! I have reacted with anger to rejection before but not after like five days, and not BEFORE meeting! If someone rejects me before meeting, I don't even really NOTICE or CARE.

[LeftBehind]

What a freaking jerk. Seriously. If you were as cordial as you're saying, he had no reason to respond with that diatribe.

 

You're totally better off!

[lila...]

I knew nothing good could come out of that...I think you did really good, and like you said, if he acts this way now, imagine how it would have been later down the line! Don't ever settle... there are normal, decent guys out there...even though the ones on dating sites seem to all fall into either the extremely clingy or bad boy/"don't give a *" category. lol.

[Batya33]

I think it's a bad idea to tell men you have never met in person or met only once any kind of criticism like that "you're coming on too strong"- because that's how the person will take it as words typed on a screen. Simply write "I've enjoyed chatting with you but on reflection I don't think we have enough in common to make sense for us to meet in person. I wish you all the best" and then if you get an obnoxious email back you can block him but at least you would have given him the clear message that you want to stop contact without criticizing and with the tactful "not enough in common" (which is true -you want someone who behaves differently than him so there's not enough in common). You don't know who is on the other end of the screen, he knows what you look like and you don't know who he knows - so why antagonize someone who for all practical purposes is a stranger? I understand you felt the need to tell him "why" -perhaps to validate your own decision but in this context I'd avoid doing it this way especially since it's behind a computer screen.

 

I see that you tried to be tactful but words on a screen to a stranger come accross 100 times "louder" than if you knew him in person or told him in person.