Sean1740 Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 So I had this girl over for dinner back in december twice in one week. Because she as starting school and holidays we didn't see much of each other. Yesterday I had her over to watch a game and we had a great conversation and talked for 2-3 hrs during the game and we shared quite a bit. I then asked her if she wanted a relationship? She replied she wanted to be friends but, but I think she see's me more then a friend.. I think she had her feelings hurt in a past relationship and she is only 21 and I don't think she knows what she wants and doesn't want to get hurt, she admitted that to me. I told her it was fine, I said any relationship you start off friends anyways and then it becomes a relationship. Dating is just a termed used. No matter what you want to get to know someone at the start and you could call it friends or dating but don't think it is a relationship until you both want to see each other a bit more and enjoy that person company. She told me I am not on some list where there is potential boyfriends. I told her I would never hurt her and don't need to see her 7 days a week... I was kind of hurt because you get this mixed feeling in your head, but I think she is still worth it. We had a lot in common and our maturity is quite the same and I love her eyes lol.. I can tell the way she smirks / smiles and just looks at me she likes me. I said she didn't have to come over if she wasn't up for it, yet she came and stay quite sometime.. and she shared a lot.. So I got her to open up a bit more.. Any suggestions? Advice Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Every single women i dated was hurt in some way, NYC has a lot of bad dudes i guess, or gullible girls, take your pick. In my experience, they dont usually end well. I also had the "I am not ready, give me time speech". I just waited, but i dated around. In my experience, those that are hurt are usually very protective of themselves, so they can tend to be selfish to prevent them from catching feelings, getting too close, or taking you too serious. Some do date around, justifying their "white lies" to themselves as needed protection (especially if they are bitter). I am not saying that is her, but in my experience, i do keep this mind. All you can do is keep maintaining contact, attraction, and dont pressure her (i did with one girl since i told her i was dating around, and we rushed it, broke up, i got her back, then later on we broke up again). Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 I've also dated more than one girl (ironically from NYC) that were very closed up and afraid of a relationship. The last one I had of any serious nature was on the extreme of this and it was a constant state for over a year of trying to get a rabbit to come out of a hole. Personally I'll never get back into a relationship with someone so fragile again, it's not worth walking on eggshells and heaven forbid you make any sudden moves, that foot they keep out the door is there for a reason. No thanks, not anymore. Anyway OP, you're just going to have to be patient. It can take an enormous amount of time for some people to bust out of a shell of protection that they've erected around themselves over the years. Never lie to her, never make her question your intentions. It takes a very relaxed and laid back person (and an independent one) to have the staying power to get a girl that is walled up to come out. Time, patience, consistency. Link to comment
wannadoitright Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 This situation is more tricky than you might realize. There are two types of hurt girls 1) The ones that have been hurt but bounce back pretty quickly and can very easily open up and be optimistic. These girls keep up verbal walls by telling you how "unready" they are for relationship and how they just want to be friends for now... but their actions show otherwise 2) The ones that have been hurt and could either verbally admit that they have put up walls or could keep silent about it. However, if you observe them carefully, you will see that one leg and one arm is out the door just waiting for the slightest reminder of their past heartbreak before they run for the hills. I admire how much you don't want to hurt her and you want to treat her right. I can tell you think she is worth it. However, do not forget about your own heart because she may be the one who ends up hurting you...probably unintentionally in her bid to prevent herself from getting hurt. My advice for you is to let things happen naturally. Be consistent so she can see you as someone she can let her guard down with and eventually open up to for a relationship. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I believe it depends on the duration from when she was hurt to the time you two met which could make a difference in her eventual behavior towards you in a relationship. I have had a relationship with a hurt woman. I was the total opposite of her ex who was very abusive both emotionally and physically. She eventually did the same to me despite how nice she appeared to be initially It was like she was a totally different person by the end of the relationship. She really did a number on me, but none the less I did not put up with the amount she did when she was with her ex. Link to comment
Sean1740 Posted January 26, 2012 Author Share Posted January 26, 2012 Thanks for the replies so far guy's... I know it is a tricking situation for myself never been in one like this. Towards the end of the night, she started to open up way more and told me stuff not a lot of people knew about her. I think the more we talked the more she felt a bit more trust with me... I really don't think she see's me like one of her guy friends, she even said I am so much different and more mature. She liked that.. I told her your so young and I want to let you figure things out, I don't want to hold you back, but I would love to do stuff with you when you free.. I said if you want to find someone else, that is fine but i think your really giving up something great if you do..... I asked her if she wanted to come over one night and cook me dinner and she said of course, which i thought would be a cool idea. Your right in the end I might get hurt which scares me a bit, a lot actually. I am scared if i do the friend thing and I start falling harder it's going to be harder on my in the end. She just gave me so many signs that she liked me, but maybe that way not sure. I know she is bit confused, that why i tried to get her to open up a bit more. It's going to be hard not to be able to touch her or go in for that first kiss... So confused lol... It's not like I have another girl already lined up, I am just going to see how things go and just follow my heart/gut. If things are meant to be I am sure they will come together... Link to comment
EmmaB78 Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 EVERYONE has been hurt at some point once you reach a certain age. But, at least for me, the walls came down pretty quickly once I met someone I REALLY connected with. I still get these jolts of insecurity that have caused fights sometimes because they've reminded me from something in my past, and I'll start thinking X ALWAYS equals Y, but I just apologized later, explained why I had reacted that way, and told him I would work on it (and did). My guy has been hurt before too (again, who hasn't?), but he is better at not projecting onto me than I am at not projecting onto him. I think almost all of our fights have been caused by me thinking he didn't care enough about me (I dated someone for YEARS that I later realized was probably never in love with me so I get really terrified if I start to think I feel "more") and wanting to avoid getting hurt again. But, hey, you've got to take a chance, and it's so unfair for me to torture him for other people's mistakes. Link to comment
EmmaB78 Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 Lol - just realized I just babbled about myself instead of actually giving the advice I wanted to, which is - If this girl doesn't open up soon-ish, she probably won't and probably isn't that into you, sadly. And if she can NEVER open up - she is too damaged to have a happy relationship. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 I think you should move on. When you asked if she wanted a relationship, she replied that she wants to be friends. I think you are projecting traits on her that may not exist and that you barely know her. I think you should take a step back and really start to date women who are more emotionally available and ready for a relationship. Link to comment
Sean1740 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 The thing what i am confused about is yes she did say she wanted to start off friends and get to know each other, but then I asked her if I was on a long list of her other guy friends to be her boyfriend, which she said no. She also said this is how her last relationship started and the guy finally asked her if she would be his girlfriend. I told her I probably would never ask that, I think you just know... It's not like were in high school. She said she doesn't like to open up because she is scared of getting hurt. But the more we talked that night the more she opened up with me, telling me stuff she doesn't tell her friends.... Link to comment
In the Dark Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Some people are really weird with labels and their behavior. Being you both just know by they way things are still does not label both of you as a couple to some people. Saying yes to someone who asks can really change a person in the way they are to you under a different label. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worst. Link to comment
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