F63 Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I think that you are upset because the older guy had the audacity to flirt with someone outside of his league. I didn't even remotely imply that at all. I'd be upset because that's weird to have more than a friendly interest in someone half your age. He should be going after women who are 30+, not 20... Can people really not see the problem with being with someone 20 years older than you? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Can people really not see the problem with being with someone 20 years older than you? I don't see a problem. People think all kinds of relationships are weird; doesn't mean a thing to the people actually in those relationships. Link to comment
F63 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 If you were a parent, would you be mad if your child, a sophomore in college, was dating someone not even 10 years younger than you? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 If you were a parent, would you be mad if your child, a sophomore in college, was dating someone not even 10 years younger than you? I'm not a parent and never will be, but, I'd just want my child to find (hopefully legal) happiness. Link to comment
Alpine Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I would agree with your Aunt in that this guy seems a little shady. Plus, gut instincts usually tell you something important. If a 40+ man wanted to help a new church group member settle in, they would surely be aware of the age gap and be careful not to let you get the wrong idea. However this guy seems to have no notion of this, calling you beautiful etc and going above and beyond his call of duty. I'd say... slightly creepy. Link to comment
F63 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I'm not a parent and never will be, but, I'd just want my child to find (hopefully legal) happiness. Yeah, that's true, but I still would not let my daughter go out with someone twice her age. At her age, I probably wouldn't want her going out with anyone older than like 25 or 26. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 Yeah, that's true, but I still would not let my daughter go out with someone twice her age. At her age, I probably wouldn't want her going out with anyone older than like 25 or 26. Just in case you don't know, the OP is in her 20's. Link to comment
F63 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Just in case you don't know, the OP is in her 20's. Well yeah, she didn't say what though, so I'm assuming 20. If she's say 25, then I could see her going out with a 31 or 32-year-old. I'd say 29 is when she can start dating a 40-year-old. Just my opinion. You can date whoever you want, but I mean, wouldn't you prefer someone that, you know, won't die before YOUR 40th birthday? Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 The problem is, this man is all up in her face, praying she does more, trying to team up with her in any possible way, telling her how beautiful she is. He is using the church to get favors from a young girl who has no friends there yet, which leaves her shy and vulnerable. And I think that is appalling. If a man wants to ask you out, then for God's sake go ahead and ask. Be honest about it. I don't believe he will do that though, because he knows he's not going to be accepted by his peers. Link to comment
wrgs Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 thank you for your replies. in no way am i trying to make myself seem as though i'm so hot and all to suspect that he likes me. yes, in fact, he may not be interested at all! it's just this feeling/vibe as i wrote before, and most of you are telling me it may be right.... as miss firecracker has summed up in the post above, while i truly appreciate kindness (who doesn't???) from others, i did have to raise my brow in question as to why he's....that sweet cuz no one else is at the church. outside of church, the only time men are especially this nice to me are when they have special interest. i think on one hand, i may be in denial or reading too much into his behavior. i called this an activity group for anonymity but it's really a choir group, heh. some time ago, whenever he'd eat with me after evening practice, another guy from practice came by to ask why he's eating in my table when his friends are on the other end. at that moment, next to him was also an older, married lady who sat next to us due to the lack of seats & they sorta knew each other. he said, "why, to sit with these beautiful women!" next was my choir director to come over and go, "oh....you guys know each other?" my aunt sees these questions in a negative light and says they must have been prompted by the fact that we seemed a bit close for a guy/girl with a huge age gap. we don't have anything in common, really. i never ask him personal questions even though he does. like i said, there's a language barrier, too. when we finished our holiday show weeks ago, i was waiting in the lobby for my car ride, and he must have come upstairs 4 times to see if i was still waiting, and eventually asked if i wanted to eat downstairs. i declined. also, i don't know if this is indicative of anything but he likes to lightly tap my arm constantly when in a convo and pats my back when greeting me. but then again, many guys/women obviously do this, but i never have any thought of it. so it might be me over thinking this. i'm a longtime member in this church, but new to this time of service and choir, so i am essentially a newbie who needs guidance. there is a younger group service for my age at another time, but i have conflicting time issues. some weeks i do avoid him and leave in the end as fast as i can so i won't bump into him because i do feel slightly uncomfortable, but i couldn't really justify my own reasons to myself. i couldn't use these actions to accuse him of liking me just because of a "feeling" i have. last week, i kept my head down for all of choir practice so i wouldn't have to say hi, and i doubt it was intentionally to get closer to me, but he changed from his usual seat and sat closer directly in my line of sight. i just kept my face buried in my songbook to avoid eye contact....how awkward. not gonna lie, i also felt guilt looking at him after creating this accusatory thread last week! the problem with me is that if someone of the opposite gender is this nice and attentive, then i start becoming a bit avoidant. one time, in the middle of choir practice, suddenly, he shields his face with his book to seem inconspicuous, but in a really loud whisper goes, "PSSTT, [iNSERT NAME], HIIIII. YOU DOING WELL?!" that was....unexpected. plus, a lot of people here said age gap is a non issue and whatnot. yes, it's not for most and i would never judge anyone for it. however, i am 23 while he must be in his 40s. he is technically old enough to be a dad and that weirds me out. i have crushed on way older men before but i never acted on it cuz i know better. i don't know what his intention may be, but if it is to get closer, then i will keep my boundaries no matter how noble and gentlemanly his ways. another big issue are the rumors that were to spread even if we did fancy eachother - man, gossip will spread like wildfire! this is like taboo to them and people are gonna talk and judge. as an adult, he should know this, too. and yes, as some posters mentioned here, my parents will not be happy with a man close to their age dating me. he's a nice guy, and i wanna feel comfortable around him as i do feel quite nervous when he approaches me. i hope i'm not sounding like i have an inflated ego or anything like "ooh, he wants me, i'm so desirable." it's nothing like that. eventually, even my aunt told me to get over myself. she said if he is hitting on me, then it's because of me and my smiles/laughs, which makes me look "easy and flirty" i laugh very easy and am smiley with both genders though, particularly at church. i do think i sometimes give the wrong msg judging by the responses i get from men in general, but....i really don't know. i wish this guy is acting this way due to genuine goodness and the desire to be friends. sadly, with my experience with certain men, the act of concern and overt kindness usually comes with wanting to get with you and not from wanting to be just good friends. in the end, when they realize that nothing will happen, things change and they're not as nice. 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