quantumst8 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I’m really getting tired of hearing it. I was just getting ready to plug in the vacuum to clean the apartment, but before I could ever turn it on, the noise starts. “Quantum…QUANTUM! We need to talk,” she said. “What? I’m trying to clean the place up. I just finished the kitchen and I need to do the carpets.” “That’s the problem!” she yelled. “You are way too motivated.” “What?” “If you’re not cleaning the house or taking pride in your appearance or paying all of your bills on time, then you’re neck-deep in some self-improvement task trying to expand yourself and become a better man.” She said. “I’m sorry, baby. Am I not paying enough attention to you?” “UGH! You make me want to SCREAM! You pay enough attention to me, too! And the imaginary sex is amazing. You never do anything wrong. Don’t you know that women do not date guys that are motivated and ambitious? They date slothful, unkempt, broke, unstable guys with drug habits and anger management problems. They date guys that keep jobs for 2 or 3 days. Women NEED this kind of drama so they can exercise their complaint muscles. You NEVER give me anything to complain about.” “You’re complaining now. In fact, you’re complaining about having nothing to complain about, which would make your entire hypothesis null and void.” At that moment, she picked up an imaginary glass vase and threw it accross the room at me. It shattered into a thousand imaginary pieces, all of which I promptly cleaned up. Upon her witnessing this, she became further agitated and stormed out the front door. I ran outside in my bathrobe as I watched her walk down the street. I said, “BABY! Can’t we talk about this?!” The next door neighbor was standing on his patio smoking a cigar. He said, “Dude, who are you yelling at?” “Sorry…my imaginary girlfriend is pissed. I’m trying to calm her down and get her to come back inside,” I said. “Whoa. Intense, dude. Well, why don’t you just imagine her back inside?” he said. “Oh, yeah,” I thought. So we were both back inside the apartment and we’re sitting on the sofa. I took her invisible ethereal hand and held it, although I was really just rubbing a pillow for effect. “Baby,” I started, “what is it that you want? Do you want to be with a less ambitious guy?” “How can I?! I’m imaginary. I was trying to go down the street and you just imagined me back in here. I have no free will to act like a real woman.” “Well, what if I imagine you with another guy…one like you think you should be with. His name is Lobo…he just got fired from Denny’s and he cooks crystal meth in his bathtub. Will that work for you?” “Wow. You would do that for me?” she said with a surprised imaginary look. “Of course, baby. I love you.” So with that, being the honorable man that I am, I kept my word and imagined her into another life with a guy that a woman is much more likely to call a boyfriend. Now I’m sitting at home alone and I miss her. Since I have to do all the imagining, I see her every time she kisses him, sleeps with him, calls him a big loser, but still goes running back to him because she swears she loves him. I’ve imagined they broke up six times already and they keep getting back together. Eventually, I’m going to imagine her posting on ENA complaining about the guy, but I know she’s still going to stay with him. I’m so sad about it, but what can I do? This is what she wants and I love her. Rick put Ilsa on the plane at the end of the movie, and I feel like I have to do the same thing. Oh, I tell ya. Of all the imaginary gin joints in the world, why’d she have to walk into mine? Link to comment
Firiel Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Man, that chick sounds like an imaginary witch! Why do guys always choose to date them instead of the nice girls? Hey, you sound like a good guy and you've got a sense of humor-- you've got a lot going for you! 1 Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Lol thanks for posting this quantum, you should do some more! 1 Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 She have an imaginary sister? Just sayin'. 1 Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Aw, Jeezus. What a cryin' shame. You know what you can do? You don't need to call me baby, but you come right on over here and feel free to make the sky the limit of ambition: you up to the chore of peeling the guy downstairs off his floor, gathering all his cigarettes and aerosols, and hauling the entire shebang over the balcony? If you're good to go on that, you can give my next-door-neighbor (the one who's in the running to be bowling with Lobo, I'm suspecting) a whirl as well -- though you'll need a crane for that. I'm prepared to be awed and amazed by you. Imagine THAT!! We'll offset that other witch in a jiffy. No such thing as too much ambition. 1 Link to comment
Greggie Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Oh my God, I love this! You write wonderfully, have a great sense of humor, and seem like you have a lot going for you - it's your imaginary girlfriend's loss =) 1 Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 This is wonderful. You have me smiling. I imagine she's posted on eNA, by now! 1 Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You should enter a bloody creative writing contest! You'd so win. Bet you already have a roomful of trophies! 1 Link to comment
Applewhite Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm confused. Is this an imaginary thread? Link to comment
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