Unrequited love and no contact

[stonecutters93]

A short while ago I posted about having to let my best friend go from my life, because my love for her was so strong, but it was unrequited. However I have this raging battle going inside me about my decision. I feel like in the long run I will be a better person for it, but I'm scared at what cost. I've had this growing fear that down the road she will not want to accept my friendship again because she won't forgive me for having to leave.

 

I fell in love with this girl almost a year ago, twice confessed that I had very strong feelings for her. The first time she rejected me and said she just wanted to stay friends. The second time she gave me more hope by actually inviting me over and she ended up kissing me, but left it at that. For 10 months I stayed her best friend, helped her through everything and was always there for her when she needed it. We hung out constantly, she called me all the time and we would talk everyday for hours on end. If I went quiet for a little bit she'd always ask me why I never messaged her. However in return for being her best friend, she felt it necessary to tell me about guys she had feelings for, or that she had hooked up with, fully aware of how I felt.

 

I reached a point where my feelings were starting to control my actions, and as a result I did damage to our friendship on her birthday by neglecting her for the entire night, because I did not want my jealous feelings to come out and see her with some random guy. I tried for a month to make amends and fix the friendship, with a little bit of success but things were still weird. It was at that point I decided my feelings for her were only going to do worse than good, so I wrote her a letter and confessed everything. I ended it by saying I wanted to be best friends again, but could not while I had such strong feelings, and I initiated no contact to begin the healing process.

 

However as I mentioned earlier I feel like I have a raging battle going on. Part of me is scared that she'll never want to be friends, and part of me is saying you're finally doing this so you can get on with your life. There was a time in our lives where she had feelings for me, but that was long ago. I'm here now to ask the people of enotalone for advice.

 

1) Did I do the right thing?

2) Was no contact the best way?

 

Please any advice or stories of your own that you can share would be greatly appreciated, I feel all alone in this situation.

[Ayton]

LET GO!LET GO!LET GO!otherwise you're going to end up SICK! and you really will have nothing in the end. You must separate from her completely, till your feelings go back to recesses of your heart where they came from.ONLY THEN can you start to rebuild a beautiful f'ship again.your emotions are like poisonous ivy at the moment, go pull them off the tree(her) and untangle yourself.free yourself from the pain!

[pl3asehelp]

It's good that fear is growing, except you shouldn't call it fear, you should just consider it you coming to realize the truth - reality. She SHOULDN'T accept your friendship ever again. You're NOT her friend. You told her you had feelings and she told you she doesn't share those feelings. You have to move on and forget her forever. You KNOW you don't want to be friends, what you want is a shot at a relationship with her and it's just not going to happen. Have to stay NC and for good. You're not scared she won't want to be friends - what you're scared of is not having the opportunity to try again to convince her to be with you.

[In the Dark]

Well it's obvious she has made sure you're friend zoned.

 

She likes your company as it's about as close as it will ever get towards being any form of relationship, this enables her to feel like she is never alone.

Always some guardian angel there.

 

Only thing is you are there for her in the hopes of possibly being more than friends with her.

You can't do this.

 

Unrequited love and continuously being in the presence of the one you wish you could love is like torturing yourself.

 

It's best to finally cut all loses and never look back as much as you want to be there.

You have asked her out twice and nothing has come of it for whatever reasons as you seem to be good enough as a best friend.

[Fun Boater 1]

Are you the same poster as Adjo? He posted a thread extremely similar to yours earlier today. Same situation as yours. Here is my advice to him on his thread. I think it applies to yours.

 

For a year, I've been trying to win her but she would say no every time because she's scared of relationship or other excuses she makes up, and I would keep trying. She keeps me hopeful I have a chance to be with her and somewhat leads me on by holding hands and cuddling and making me feel like she loves me, she even told me she did. And would let me treat her like my girlfriend even around people.

 

Your first mistake was trying to "win" her. Girls can't be "won". They are either attracted to you romantically and sexually or they aren't. Simple as that. You "kept trying", and the more you tried, the more you reinforced her lack of romantic or sexual attraction for you. You did the "puppy dog" thing with her for a year and it got you exactly nowhere. Lesson learned. Of course she led you on and kept you thinking that it was just a matter of time before she responded positively - all woman love the attention, and further, they love the idea of having the faithful guy friend they know want them, and the faithful guy friend who they know will treat them like a queen when they need that treatment, without having to call him a boyfriend, yet alone having to sleep with him. This is a fairly common phenomena, and you are no exception. I have been this guy, for a few different girls, back when I was in my 20's, so I know this by experience.

 

You are the proverbial "d*ck under glass" to her. She knows she can have you at anytime should she ever need to have you - "in case of emergency, break glass" like a fire extinguisher you see in a glass case in the hallway. You know it's there, but you hope you never have to use it. The term "emotional crutch" comes to mind too. She keep you hopeful because she enjoys having you around to prop up her ego when things fall apart with whatever guy she happens to be dating...and everytime, she's going to be dating someone other than you. She knows she can fall back on your attention and caring in time of need. The dreaded "friend zone" term applies here too. In her eyes, you are not a romantic interest, you are on equal terms with her other girlfriends, the only difference is that she knows you are a guy, and can play on your masculinity when she needs a guy's attention. She'll cuddle with you and hold your hand, but in her mind this is just playful platonic behavior. She might even make out with you occasionally too, but even that does'n't mean she's interested romantically.

 

At least she admitted her behavior. She may not have even been doing it on purpose. Alot of women do this subconsciencously without even realizing that they best guy friend is really in love with them. Why don't they realize it? Because they don't see you as a potential mate, they see you as just a friend, hence the "I dont' like him like that".

 

If you are in love with this girl it's going to impossible for you and her to remain friends on the level you are accustomed to. There's going to a period of awkwardness now that it's out in the open. I suggest withdrawing from her and putting some distance between you and her for awhile. Don't torture yourself by staying in her immediate orbit. In time your feelings will subside to the point where you can probably be friends again. However, you need to be totally honest with yourself and determine how genuine your feelings of "friendship" for this girl really are. Sure, you and her have been "friends", but you have been in love with her all this time so your affections for her have always been based on the desire to be with her in a romantic dating relationship and NOT motivated by true feeling of friendship. Your friendship was always motivated by that desire, so please be honest with yourself. Also, now that she knows how you feel, she may very well be questioning your year of "friendship" now that you have revealed your true motives. This might upset her very much and will most likely cause her to feel some resentment towards you.

 

Anyway, leave her be for now and keep your distance. She's no longer a relationship prospect. Don't worry about what she thinks. You'll either get over her and you and her can truly be friends again, or you'll start dating a real prospect who is interested in you "in that way" and your involvement with this girl won't matter very much down the road.

[FreeFallFeelin]

You have to let her go. It sounds like she has abandonment issues - keeping you as her safety net while she continues to search for someone she really wants to be with (or just continues to play the field). But she doesn't want to be alone. You pulled way, she pulled you back in. You professed your interest in her, and she said "no thanks". You finally get closer, and she tells you about the other guys. When you pull away for your own good, she knows she has to give you a little more to keep you on the chain. Once she's got you hooked again, she shows you that she doesn't want you that close. Do you love pain? Because that's all you're going to get from this one my friend. She's treating you like crap, whether you've realized that or not. But at the same time, you are teaching her that it's okay for her to use and abuse you.

 

Understand that she isn't "the one" (that's romance novel myth crap). There are lots of great girls out there. Once you've given yourself time to heal, and a chance to meet a better girl, you will look back on this situation and thing "good gawd, what sucker I was ...wasting so much time and energy on someone who I knew didn't want me." I bet your friends just shake their heads every time you tell them about the latest chapter in this sad saga. Put and end to this story for your own good. Have some self respect. Break it off, and go no contact - forever.

[toby17]

The fact that you've got "a battle going on inside" says you're not over this girl. You're brain is making excuses to see her again. Being friends with her won't mAke you a better man, it'll just hurt.

 

She's not holding it against you that you left, she's probably relieved. And if you come back into her life, she'll be expecting you to be over her.

 

You'll know you're over her when you don't care either way whether she's in your life or not.

[macadamia]

To be honest... I think she has been incredibly selfish. Keeping you around as a confidante and telling you all about her seedy little hook ups while you were obviously pining away for something special. If she had an unselfish heart SHE would have been the one to cut you loose for your own good instead of letting you play the role of 'best friend'. I don't mean to sound harsh but I feel really sympathetic toward you and I think this girl is a bit of a b*tch who deserves neither your time or attention.

 

1) Yes you did the right thing

2) No contact was the right way to go about it and you should cut her off forever because if you do meet someone awesome and you still have feelings for this girl the other person in your life will pick up on that and it might ruin something truly great.

 

Good Luck! xoxo

[stonecutters93]

I just want to thank everyone for all your answers. It's been very hard but I get a little stronger each day and it's been quite some time (weeks now) since we last talked. I feel like I'm back on the path towards finally being happy and myself again.

 

Thanks everyone, it means a hell of a lot to me.