Some advice...please!

[AFuchs17]

Alright so I could make this a very, very detailed and drawn out story, but for those reading this (thank you, first of all) I will attempt to get right down to the most important facets of the situation.

 

I currently live with my girlfriend of about a year and a half. We moved from my hometown in August to the city where I currently attend veterinary school. She lived with me in my hometown too. We first moved in together pretty quickly after we started seeing each other mostly because we both had little money and it seemed to make sense at the time (despite the advice to be careful about this).

 

She is the sweetest girl I have ever met. She is loving, honest, caring, and extremely trustworthy.

 

However, she is also pretty smothering. She is needy and clingy, and I am afraid she is going to become her mother. Her parents are somewhat recently divorced, although they have not really acted like a married couple for years (or at least that is what she tells me). Her mother will call her crying every few nights, and she refuses to do anything to help herself out. Then, my girlfriend will promptly get really bummed out and fall asleep. My girlfriend refuses to talk to her dad, and probably rightly so. He cheated on her mom all the time, was never around for his kids and is now remarried already (living somewhere several states away).

 

We are only 25, but our relationship makes me feel like we are 65. She will fall asleep on the couch at 8 every single night, even after I have done my best to nicely express to her that this upsets me when it is night after night. Every once in a while, it would be nice to not be able to predict how our day is going to go. My best word to describe her approach to life is 'apathetic'.

 

I have done my best to be understanding because I know it must be really tough watching your parents get divorced. She still doesn't make much money and doesn't have a ton of direction in her life. I have really done my best to help give her a little push toward going back to school or finding new jobs, etc. She gets sent home from work constantly when they are overstaffed. She is definitely a good worker, but she lets herself get pushed around a lot. She is intelligent for sure, but her communication skills are poor.

 

Anyway, I almost failed out of my first semester of vet school. I think this relationship has a lot to do with it. I am not trying to excuse myself, because I know ultimately my grades fall on my shoulders of course. However, I do live with this girl and I am pretty sensitive to my surroundings. I feel like this relationship does not help my motivation at all. I am usually a pretty type A personality, but I have become lethargic over the past year myself.

 

Do I need to break up with her? If so, how do I go about doing that when I am so loaded down with classes and we live together? If not, how can I ignore these things that really frustrate me on a daily basis? Or, a more unlikely option, how can I change them?

 

I am afraid I will fail out of school, and this is my dream.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you have ever been in a similar situation, please help!

[Snny]

It sounds like your girlfriend is suffering from depression. People who sleep frequently is a symptom from depression; especially when you stated her energy level is low. If she can afford it, I recommend she seeks counseling. The problem is anyone who is around a depressed person becomes affected by the negative energy. Ok so her situation sucks, but it should stop you from meeting you priority, which is to finish school and enhance your future.

 

As for motivating her to look for other jobs, is she able to pay half of the bills? How are you accommodating her financially?

[krill]

Just out of curiosity, is your girlfriend a stoner?

 

I feel for you man, I got out of a relationship like this not too long ago. Every night I was 'allowed' to go out with my friend I would get a call at 9, asking me to come home. If I didn't, a fight would start. She didn't have a lot of friends, and was already ready to settle down at the age of 23 (not my idea of a fun time). I told her what changes needed to be made, and she flipped out, and I ended it. No one should be forced to live that way. She clearly had low self esteem, and with all due respect, it sounds like your girlfriend may be the same way.

 

Whether you love her or not, you'll grow tired of it quickly (sounds like you already have). Your love will sour if you don't do something about it.

 

Good luck moving forward.

[FoxyRoxy]

I was in a 4 year relationship, and lived with my ex boyfriend.. and if I'm honest, I sounded like your girlfriend. But it was my ex boyfriend was dragging me down. I was depressed, always crying and just sat at home all day. He brought me down constantly. He didn't let me work so kinda controlling but you don't sound like that. But still, after I grew some balls and decided to walk away from him, I've never been so much happier. Got myself a decent job, my freedom, and finally doing me! Sometimes you've got to be selfish and put yourself first, no matter how hard it is or how much you love them.

 

Wishing you the best of luck x

[FoxyRoxy]

I was in a 4 year relationship, and lived with my ex boyfriend.. and if I'm honest, I sounded like your girlfriend. But it was my ex boyfriend was dragging me down. I was depressed, always crying and just sat at home all day. He brought me down constantly. He didn't let me work so kinda controlling but you don't sound like that. But still, after I grew some balls and decided to walk away from him, I've never been so much happier. Got myself a decent job, my freedom, and finally doing me! Sometimes you've got to be selfish and put yourself first, no matter how hard it is or how much you love them.

 

Wishing you the best of luck x

[AFuchs17]

Snny-I don't want to make it sound like she is a deadbeat. We met working at the same place (both at a local animal shelter both right out of college), and one of the things I liked so much about her was that she was very hard working and always willing to lend a helping hand. But it tends to be the opposite here. She left her last job that she liked a lot (but still knew she couldn't stay at forever since it paid squat) to follow me to school and be with me. I think she depends on me emotionally too much...definitely not financially since I'm living on loans right now. She's really unhappy with her job now and isn't treated well there, but doesn't find the motivation to do anything about it. She does pay her half of everything, which I am thankful for. I tend to pay more of the bills when she is short, but that isn't really my worry. My biggest issue is that she depends way too heavily on me for everything else. I think that is exactly where her parents' went wrong. She doesn't have any friends around her and definitely follows me around like a lost puppy. I do enjoy her companionship, but I need my own time and it would be nice if she had other plans every so often that didn't involve me.

 

You may definitely be right about her being depressed. She shows most of the signs. I have suggested that she see someone to talk through it before...and she seemed a bit offended...then I'm pretty sure she fell asleep lol. It is pretty frustrating, to say the least, to see her waste her life the way she is. Maybe I am too pushy? I don't want to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do...but then again our relationship might suffer as a result.

 

Thanks so much for the response.

[AFuchs17]

Krill-Yeah, you are right about the self esteem issue. She doesn't think much of herself, which is a terrible result of how she was brought up. Her dad didn't care. Her mom definitely loves her, but she does not seem to understand that it is a good thing to push your kids to help themselves. Every time my girlfriend does get excited about something, her mom kind of puts the idea down. For example, if she does come up with some sort of five year plan, her mom does not have the "good for you! that sounds great!" response that a lot of good parents should. It is more of a "how do you think you're going to do that? where are you going to find the money? are you sure that's a good fit for you?" response. It's a pretty awful cycle of apathetic bull * * * * . Her mom cares for her, but also doesn't give her much credit or respect.

 

I'm glad you got out of your relationship if it was that bad. At least you made a point of going out with your buddy. And, as odd as it sounds, I think if my girlfriend called me to come back home and would actually fight back (you know, show a little fight), I would have a much easier time with this. If I ever do let her hear the hard truth, which happens from time to time, she will walk upstairs, curl up in bed and cry silently. It makes me feel much worse than a fight would. Even worse, what would breaking up with her do?

 

And no, she's not a stoner. I can't imagine how many hours a day she'd sleep then...haha.

[AFuchs17]

FoxyRoxy-Good for you! I'm glad to hear it. Sounds like you needed to get away pretty bad so you could prove something to yourself.

 

I would love it if she showed some motivation without my having to push her into it. I try not to say or do too much because I also know at some point that gets tiring for her even more than me. I don't want her to feel like she does nothing. She does have a job, even though she complains about the pay and isn't given enough hours. She has just never been taught how to change things she doesn't like. Nobody has ever given her that guidance. Her mom has been a stay at home mom for forty years now. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mother, because I understand how much work that really can be. If I ever have kids, I would love to make enough money to give my wife that option. However, at this point in my life at least, I need someone with a little motivation and some dreams of some sort. I think it would definitely push me to be better too.

 

Thanks for the response. I am glad to hear life if treating you better these days.

[AFuchs17]

Oh and by the way, it's 8 PM where I am right now and she fell asleep on the couch 40 minutes ago after I made dinner. Last night she fell asleep at 7. New Year's Eve we opted to stay in and have our Christmas that day too. She fell asleep at 11...ALMOST made it to midnight...so close...