SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Dear all, your view on this would be really appreciated: My BF has broken up with me. We were both not content with the situation between us, so the break up was more or less mutual, even though I did not hide that I was very sad. He mentioned that he may come back to me sometimes in the future. I refused to accept this "break(?)", because it would slow down my recovery. I would also feel as being the one waiting for him and being the "one down". But now I feel, that I have destroyed the chance for reconciliation, which I really want to happen. What do you think, was it right or bad decision in the situation? What about me contacting him in couple of weeks: will my refusal to wait for him make the contact easier and less needy? Or will it matter at all? And as it is clear from this, I cannot help but wait for him anyway... Link to comment
DN Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I think you did the right thing. He needs to experience the consequences of his decision. However - what gives with the mutual break-up? How did that come about? Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Thank you, DN! I was not content with the level of attention he was giving me. Instead of a compromise, which I was hoping for, he just decided for the break... I was contemplating a breakup myself, but was not strong enough to really do it. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 you need to read this amazing thread , that is posted in another thread.. and I can't remember which ... anyone ?? , its the most enlightening post I have ever read Link to comment
DN Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Thank you, DN! I was not content with the level of attention he was giving me. Instead of a compromise, which I was hoping for, he just decided for the break... I was contemplating a breakup myself, but was not strong enough to really do it.OK then what I said about the consequences of his decision applies. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 this is it ..the fabulous post Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Shooting star, thank you for the link, it is really a wonderfull post! I am sure, that I can live without him. I am also sure, that I can find someone else, whom I will love. The breakup has even made me pursue my goals more decisively than before. But so far it has been impossible to let go of hope and him. I am actively trying to not have any concrete expectations and to say good bye to the old relationship. But I know, that when I give up on hope it will be completely over and I cannot stand that thought. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 i think maybe you should just say goodbye for good. you don't want to be someone's second option after he's been sniffing around for 8 months or so to see if he can find someone better. and who is to say that YOU won't find someone better in the meantime? i agree with letting him live with the consequences of his actions. if he wasn't treating you well now, why would you want to go back to that? Link to comment
essie Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 SmilingKatty, as I am in a similar situation myself, I think it is right for you to say YOU are not going to sit around and wait. Implying to him that you will, just tells him that he can wander back anytime and be welcomed - HE gets the power. If he decides in a month, two months, that he can't live without you and wants to compromise, he will fight for you. Coz men like a challenge Don't make it easy on him, and if it is meant to be, he will return. But of course, then it is up to you if you even want to go back. I have made the mistake of telling my ex my door will be open - makes me feel better, but now the ball is, as always, in his court. Oops PS the thread link from shooting star - awesome! Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Annie: because I know from experience it could be perfect with him. But I know as well, that the perfect moments will never come back or be repeated because of all that happened in between. So you are right, I am just too emotional and irrational to see it. essie: I told him exactly that But also that this is the end for me: that is what I am so sorry about. At that moment I really needed to make sure, that I will not appear to be waiting for him. And that there would be at least a bit of balance between us. Didn´t help me much though... Him coming back after couple of months: I am afraid of that: Most probably I will be in another relationship, but right now I do not have any idea what I would do at that moment. And starting a new relationship when something like that could happen seems unfair to the possible partner... What about a bit of dating? That could tell him, you have changed your mind regarding the opened door? Link to comment
essie Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 It's so hard. When YOU feel it could be great, but THEY don't know what the * * * * ens they want. I guess what it comes down to is, if a couple is meant to be, neither party lets things stand in the way. They just stick together. So these guys, no matter how much POTENTIAL there was, fact is, they are gone. They are not here sitting beside us. They are not on the phone arranging to take us out to dinner. They are gone. So yep, we deserve better - but right now, all we've got is the thought - IF ONLY..... My ex did this to me before, earlier in the year - 3 months we were apart and I cried every day. I have two children, so hard to keep it all together. I did the dating thing. Turns out, he knew that, he said when we got back together he just thought I was out there having fun. I told him - Yes I went on a few dates - and each time I went home and cried because they were not him. I have told him the other night I will struggle to do that again - not fair on the dates, because my heart is somewhere else. But I DID tell him I will go out with friends and do what I need to do to get on with my life That's all we can do. HUGS! Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Thank you! Hopefully we will get stronger because of all of this And I still don´t know, if I am able to let him go. Sometimes I feel like he does not deserve me and I am better off without him, sometimes I would do almost anything to have another chance. And I already planned how to invite him out for the first meeting in couple of weeks... Actually, yesterday before going to sleep and tody just after waking up I felt completely OK with never having to see him anymore. But this feeling is almost gone again, what a pity! Link to comment
MarnDark Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I think what you are feeling is completely normal post break up. I actually posted a thread early on about wether or not I "ruined" a reconciliation. I also planned early on how I would "win her back" (she got a new boyfriend way before I could even put this in action). I think over time the feeling that he doesn't deserve you will grow ever stronger. You will realize that you don't deserve to be second fiddle to anyone. We all deserve better than being treated as an option. We deserve people who will treat us as the only (and best) thing in town. Link to comment
SmilingKatty Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 Him finding someone else very quickly would be probably best for me - the end of all hope and an evidence, that what he said was a lie... It would be very painful, but very educational. Link to comment
MarnDark Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Him finding someone else very quickly would be probably best for me - the end of all hope and an evidence, that what he said was a lie... It would be very painful, but very educational. That's pretty much how I felt when my ex starting dating another. Link to comment
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