Is he selfish and emotionally abusive?

[ashblaize]

Here's a quick run down of the relationship that we've had together. At the beginning of things, I was 27 and he was 20. (I think I may have just typed out the issue right there...) However...

 

We got together (met online) and things went wonderfully. One night, I went out and was drunk and there was another guy flirting with me and it made me feel something. I, being way more selfish and naive back then, freaked out and left my partner because I was afraid of hurting him. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in a relationship.

 

Months later, after some time apart, we got back together and things were awesome. We were together for two years and during that time, he moved in with me (a little too early). Also, I had become a bartender at a restaurant and he got a job there waiting tables, so we found ourselves drinking a lot more.

 

I realize that I have problems with my anger, especially when I drink. I would be condescending to him, or say things that cut him down, but I never realized I was doing it. At the end (I was 29, he was 22), he packed up his stuff and moved to a friend's place while I was at work. He was breaking up with me, and we hadn't had any sort of fight or anything (and of course, I was not realizing my behavior towards him) and I was so devastated.

 

This is when I started a serious path towards rebuilding myself. While I was in that process, he started to come around again. We were getting along great, but not dating each other (however, we would have occasional sex). He didn't want to be with me because he was afraid that I was going to be that same guy who had cut him down and hurt him so much before, regardless of the fact that I was taking great measures to figure myself out and be a better person, to everyone. including myself. He held a lot of things against me.

 

This past June, he came to me and said that he wanted to try again. I told him that we had to let go of the past and he agreed. Things were really great.

 

Now comes the more detailed part...

 

In August, he was making a random trip back to his hometown to visit his family and I got the dates wrong. I thought it was the following weekend. This made him really upset and he said something to me about it, saying that I never listened and that I was taking him for granted. It was an honest mistake, and I understood that his feelings were valid and what I took from the situation was that I should pay more attention and be a better listener. That's a good quality to have, and I didn't realize that I wasn't very good at it.

 

In October, I kind of went on a drinking bender and realized that I had a problem. He and I would drink a lot and even occasionally do drugs. He had a DWI charge from when we weren't together. I talked to him about how I was concerned for the both of us and that I think maybe we should try and be more constructive and spend our time together doing other things. He seemed to be on the same page.

 

Until he showed up at my house two nights later, drunk and coked up.

 

I waited until the next day to say anything since he was messed up and I wanted to give it time. I said something to him as he was walking out of work and I tried to make it constructive. I told him that I felt like my feelings weren't taken seriously and that he didn't listen to me. (sound familiar?)

 

This is the new thing that he cannot let go of. He left me at the beginning of November and shortly after, I began going to AA and quit drinking for 33 days. We started to hang out more and he was coming to me a lot to talk about things going on in his life that were bothering him. He told me he loved me. That he loved being around me. But when I would ask him to stay the night, he would leave. After many nights of that, I started to hurt from it.

 

Monday, we went to a work Christmas party. He flirted with me a lot and i was under the impression that he was going to stay at my place. We both drank a lot (I broke my sobriety like an idiot, thinking I could control myself) and when we got to my place, he noticed the time and said he needed to leave. He was leaving the next morning to go home for a week for the holidays. I said that I thought he was staying and that I wished he didn't feel like he couldn't stay. He got really upset and irrational and wanted to leave. He was so drunk and I tried to stop him, yet he still made it to his car. I tried to get him to stop and calm down and he started yelling at me about the time that I yelled at him in October and how he hadn't forgiven me for it. I haven't talked to him since.

 

So here's the question, am I wrong to think that I was trapped? I wasn't allowed to share my feelings with him, even though he had done the same thing to me. (And in fact, the issue connected to mine was way more serious i feel) Is he being selfish? I sent him a message on Tuesday apologizing and saying that I wished I knew what happened and why he got so upset, to which he responded "I have a lot going on this week and I will not be dealing with this until I get back home." This seems so selfish to me. Now I have to spend the holidays seeing pictures of him on Facebook having fun with his friends and family for the holidays and wondering if he's given up on me or what exactly is happening... I need advice. I love him so much and I believe him when he says he loves me and wants things to work out with us. I just don't know what to do. I feel like this is something I will never bounce back from. Any advice?

[rosephase]

reading your post it sounds like you were the emotionally abusive one, at least in the past. As for now? It doesn't sound like you are good for each other at all. He doesn't make you happy. You don't make him happy. It sounds like he wants more from you then you will give and you want more from him. It just isn't the right fit. And falling off the wagon and then getting it a fight... and you blame it on him? Yeah that is just to much drama. It doesn't sound like he is a bad guy or trying to hurt you or being selfish. It just sounds like you do more damage to each other then good.

[Jiggyjojo]

I feel like the drinking and drugs definitely contributed to the initial problem of the relationship, the age different also could have some affect. People mature differently in mental ways than others and sometimes people's mental mindsets just don't connect well and make good chemistry. I would have to agree with rosephase and say that you were abusive, but I also think he is being abusive now too. I think this is one of those things you should let go, it will be hard, it will hurt, but I think it should be let alone for now. It's obvious you two haven't worked in the past. I'd say either both of you need to totally clean up and maybe slowly try to work into things again, or never attempt to get back together and probably stay out of close contact for awhile. It's easy to go back to that familiar relationship, but the back and forth isn't what either of you need.

 

Space and time on your own sounds like a good idea too. It will give you more time to evaluate the relationship, but don't JUST focus on him. You need to take responsibility for what you know you did wrong and work from there. I used to have a problem with being extremely needy and very, very jealous. To the point that it got very problematic in one of my relationships. After it ended I realized what I had done to cause the problem and slowly I got better at it and while I didn't rejuvenate the relationship said problem ended, I now am better prepared for future relationships. No mistake leaves you without a lesson to learn.