1 week of NC, want to talk to ex about something...

[NYCB]

Hello, well I broke up with my gf of 2.5 years recently, (background info of our situation here: link removed ). BAsically, she said she needed space, and then strung me along for a while while she thought, flip flopped for over a month on whether or not to take our relationship to the next level, and then finally, after I had had enough torture, I told her I can't do this, we're over, I love you, and want to be with you, but we can't be friends, can't talk, etc.

 

Either way, I've been out of touch with her for a week, and while I've been observing all the cardinal rules of post-breakup behavior (NC, excercise, going out with friends, etc.), I still want to figure out exactly what drove her to want a break. Not so much to patch my pride, but I genuinely want to learn from my mistakes in this past relationship so that I can move on to becoming a better person...she wasn't very clear on why the break happened, but I know her job being over and the long distance probably contributed to it. Still, I'm sure there are other personal reasons, and I'm curious as to how to find out, or is any contact a bad idea? I think she reached out to me the other day (invited me to join google mail, something we had talked about pre-breakup) but I ignored it.

 

Also, what is the best way to recover some possessions (TV, office chair) while still enforcing the NC rule and keeping things distant? We are in different cities right now, but she held on to a lot of my stuff, with the plan that we were going to move in together in January.

 

Thanks everybody!!! This site is such a great support structure...it's really hard moving away from all your friends and gf (ex-gf) for 6 months to better yourself, maybe the break up was just part of that journey....

[NYCB]

I'm not sure how you would go about to collect your belongings because I have no experience with this. But what I can suggest to you is to not talk to her about what happened in your relationship that made it fall apart UNLESS she is friendly towards you. There are most probably personal reasons, but unless you two are at good terms and not destroy any chance of reconciliation (if that's a possibility in your mind). Otherwise, you can be nice and she would probably be nice in return. This is the only way she will confess to you. If she is angry, she wouldn't want anything to do with you, lest talk to you about the relationship.

 

I know I was dying out of curiosity/anger to know what happened that made us fall apart.

she's very friendly towards me. It was quite an amicable break up. SHe was devestated when I told her we couldn't talk or be friends, but she understood.

[kizzyfur]

There really is no point in finding out why she wanted a break to try to better yourself for your next relationship. This is due to the fact that everyone is different and everyone has different views on what a relationship is all about. Even if you did find out why she wanted a break, if it had anything to do with you, and you changed that about yourself expecting someone else to want the same thing, you're only making a mistake. The best thing to do in ANY relationship is be yourself. Not what someone else wants you to be. What that particular someone wants isn't necessarily what someone else wants.

 

Don't change for anyone. If they can't accept you for who you are, find someone who will.

[rich46]

Hi NYCB,

 

Your situation is very similar to mine. Quick recap:

 

-Met ex at uni

-Together 3.5 years

-Lived 100 miles apart for last year after uni finished.

-She became distant over recent months and eventually said she needed "to be single for a while" and "to not have anyone to answer to."

-She wanted us to remain "best friends" which I tried for 1 week but couldn't do it.

-Told her I'd call her when I had things sorted out in my mind.

-After 3 weeks of NC I called her and said I really really want to be friends but I can't do it. Told her to call me if she wanted to talk about us, or if she had any regrets.

-That was 3 weeks ago.

 

Anyway, I would advise you not to try to get answers from your ex, as you will probably be disappointed. I doubt she would give you clear answers, and if she is anything like my ex, then it will be the classic "It's not you, it's me." Maybe the distance did matter? Maybe she got cold feet at the prospect of moving in with you in January? Me and my ex were talking about this too, and I'm positive she felt she was too young to settle down.

 

I don't have much advice about getting your things back, but you'll obviously have to break No Contact. Just be professional and to the point about it.

 

Do you feel guilty sometimes about not being friends with your ex? I know it's stupid, but sometimes I think I'm the bad guy for not being able to be her friend. But it really would be too difficult for me...

 

Good luck with everything, and I agree this site is excellent!

 

Rich

[NYCB]

Take this as an example. You are someone who doesn't like to talk or communicate feelings during the relationship and why sometimes you and your partner get ticked off over the smallest things. You don't realize this as a fault in yourself, but when the time comes and your partner dumps you, you still won't know. This is when your ex can come in and explain to you your faults. You can then use this and prevent it from happening in your next relationship. If you don't, what's going to stop you from doing it again?????

 

I agree that if someone can't accept you for who you are, someone else will. But that doesn't mean not to change for the BETTER.

I agree, because my ex-gf and I were so open to each other, she helped me realize things about myself (the key here is I HAD TO REALIZE about MYSELF) that I knew would not only help me in relationships but also in life in general (ways of thinking, ways of seeing and understanding, respecting other's feelings etc.). The reason why I posted, is because this is the first time in 2.5 years she has not been clear with me about what's really wrong, and I feel that this could be the most crucial piece of information I could take away from this relationship.

 

To Rich, your situation is almost identical! I think that the whole transition phase and long distance got to my ex'gf's head (just graduated from college), and she got completely overwhelmed trying to start her life and hang onto this relationship which to be honest was a difficult thing to do for the two of us at this stage. Even during our break, she said that she sees us together and wants to spend her life with me, but right now is not the time. It sucks because she's crazy about me and I'm crazy about her, but I just need to move on. She doesn't want to date other people and doesn't even want to sow the wild oats (not a one night stand person) but just felt that the obligation of a long-distance relationship was too much to juggle, I guess. Now that I look back, I pretty much sealed the deciison when I decided to move out of state to deal with pressing personal issues and to get my business started. I suppose I started to "work on bettering myself as an individual" long before our breakup, I almost knew deep down that I had reached a fork in the road and that to continue down either way would seal the fate of the other path.

 

As for getting my stuff back, I'll let her keep it for now. I'm not moving back to NY till JAn. anyway, so things will cool off a little bit by then. THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

[liferedo]

I was in a similar situation myself not to long ago. I will say this about retrieving belongings. Its not easy. You need to prepare yourself. It is a step that has strong symbolism. It is seen as final. It will hurt doing it, it will hurt after and it will hurt seeing these belongings in your own possession. So I suggest to you, make sure that the things you retrieve are things you need.

 

I had been in a long drawn out bad divorce that we needed to sell the house before the divorce was final. I had been seeing a woman for awhile after the seperation for about a year at this point. Part of the possessions, couch, entertainment system, big screen etc I had moved into my g/f's house. She had 4 teenagers and I figured they would put them to good use. Well after my g/f and I broke up, I wanted to retrieve those things. So I sent her an email suggesting I pick them up in one week on a saturday. This gave us both time to prepare. I took a friend with me. When we arrived, she didnt say a word to either of us and went upstairs while we were left downstairs to move everything.

 

Being there was tough. Taking these things home was tough. Seeing these things is still tough. Taking them away from her kids was tough. And now I am reminded daily of it. If I had the chance to do it over, I would have just left everything for them.

 

So prepare yourself, and really think about what you are retrieving and why.

[purple_monster]

I'm also having an issue with "stuff retrieving" right now. Here's the lowdown:

 

- 3+ years relationship, ~2 years off and on before that

- i'm 24, he's 27

- i graduated a year ago, moved to the opposite coast with the idea that i would come back in 2 years -- fell in love with my new city and no longer wanted to be forced to move back.

- relationship had been stressful towards the end when we were still in the same city due to his career decisions (he had no time and was very stressed)

- long distance was too difficult, after me being very upset, he decides to move out here

- a month before he moves out here, i decide i can't do it -- since things had been stressful and very difficult for over a year, i don't have the interest necessary in trying to fix everything, also i want to be single in a new city

 

he came out to visit in july and left a bunch of stuff. when i moved, i left some stuff with him that i didn't want to move yet. so we need to meet up to exchange stuff at some point.

 

it's been NC since shortly after we broke up, save for a little communication about how to get stuff back. so he wants to come out here to talk in person (we only talked over the phone) and to swap stuff. he also has some work related stuff to take care of.

 

but here's where i am worried. last time i talked to him, he wanted to come out for 5 days. i didn't want to push it so i didn't ask, but i was really surprised -- i was expecting a 2-3 day visit.

 

as the dumper, and as someone who doesn't want to change her mind for at least several months, and as someone who still loves him to death but just can't put the relationship work in right now, how responsible am i for protecting his feelings? i'm afraid his lengthy visit is going to make it harder on both of us. i've told him in no uncertain terms that this isn't going to work right now. Do I break NC to remind him of this, or is that rubbing it in? Should I call him and ask him why a 5 day visit?

 

I'm just totally not sure of what to do that won't be unnecessarily cruel. Maybe I should just trust him to do the right thing for himself, but somehow I am very unsure of that.

[rich46]

as the dumper, and as someone who doesn't want to change her mind for at least several months,

I'm interested in that sentence! What do you mean "for at least several months?" I've never been in the dumper's position, but is this how you feel? That you'll stick by your decision but reconsider in a few months?

 

Sorry for the questions, just curious that's all!

 

Rich 8)

[purple_monster]

rich46--

 

I'm interested in that sentence! What do you mean "for at least several months?" I've never been in the dumper's position, but is this how you feel? That you'll stick by your decision but reconsider in a few months?

 

i love my ex to death. for a long time now, i really thought he was it. i still love him, even though i'm not prepared to fix our relationship now. there are a lot of things that don't work in our relationship, and he hasn't really understood why i think things are not working.

 

so, i can sort of imagine that i could step back and let my head clear, have some fun on my own, and maybe sometime in half a year or a year it would become clear to me that he's really the guy i want. right now i'm just so muddled in it, and so angry about things, that i can't do it. i know if i get pulled back in too soon, it won't work.

 

it's really hard to throw away the love of your life. it's really hard to have to limit your apologies for fear of making it worse. i want him to move on and not wait for me, because i don't know for sure that i'll come around.

[rich46]

Thanks for replying! Your comments just got me thinking about whether my ex feels the same. Interesting...

 

There's no doubt that a lengthy visit from your ex would make things harder on both of you. When I visited my ex a week after our break up, I blindly hoped that she would see me and she would have changed her mind on "wanting to be free" and "wanting to be single for a while." However I was disappointed to say the least, and that is what caused me to start No Contact. I don't know, but maybe he feels the same way? You say that you love him to death, and as a 'dumpee' myself it is difficult to comprehend why you can't be together if this is the case. Maybe he's still in the denial stage?

 

Will you be speaking to him before he finalises the dates? If not, then I'd call him and be honest about your reasons for not wanting 5 days...

 

I hope everything works out for you.

 

Rich

[purple_monster]

edudlooc13 -- i'm glad my story can be some sort of comfort.

 

But do you want to go out and "have fun" with other opportunities if you mind me asking? Or by yourself and just friends? Have you been in a similar situation before or was this your first time?

 

i definitely want to go out and meet other people. my ex was my first serious relationship, and i feel like i want to go out and check out what else is out there while i have the change. but i'm also getting closer to the rest of my friends -- since my ex was also my best friend, i need to find other people to talk to about everything.

 

we've broken up before and gotten back together, but only with him. also i was in school then, so it was kind of different.

 

i think not wanting to work things out is really really important. she might come around at some later point, but right now you just have to let her go her own way. if you pull her back before she's sure she wants to come back, it won't work for very long. i know that from experience.

[rich46]

i definitely want to go out and meet other people. my ex was my first serious relationship, and i feel like i want to go out and check out what else is out there while i have the chance.

So are you saying that you want to go out and see if there is anything 'better' out there, but you'll consider getting back with your ex if there isn't...

 

I've heard that before! The difference here is that at least you are considerate to your ex's feelings, and you don't want to string him along in the meantime. My ex continued to give me (false) hope during the couple of weeks I tried to be her "best friend," so I would still be there if the something 'better' never showed up.

 

Rich

[NYCB]

i definitely want to go out and meet other people. my ex was my first serious relationship, and i feel like i want to go out and check out what else is out there while i have the chance.

So are you saying that you want to go out and see if there is anything 'better' out there, but you'll consider getting back with your ex if there isn't...

 

I've heard that before! The difference here is that at least you are considerate to your ex's feelings, and you don't want to string him along in the meantime. My ex continued to give me (false) hope during the couple of weeks I tried to be her "best friend," so I would still be there if the something 'better' never showed up.

 

Rich

I have the feeling that this is exactly how my girl is thinking right now. I hate to say it purple, but there's a really good chance he won't be there when you come back...if he's cool, intelligent and good looking. I totally understand your point of view, but the reason I just broke up with my girlfriend is because she was stringing me along,a nd doing the same thing as you but not as considerate about my end of the deal. Basically torturing me like pulling off an insects legs rather than just squishing it.

 

I'm moving on, as much as I love her, and our mutual friend today hinted that she might want me back sometime soon after she has some space, but I don't think I will take her back if my current line of thinking prevails.

 

All I know is, is that the grass is always greener on the other side. Being single is not always what it's cracked up to be- sometimes when you have steak every day, you want some s****y fast food, but then a little while later you get all fat and in poor health and you realize how delicious and great that steak really was.

 

Good luck!

[purple_monster]

So are you saying that you want to go out and see if there is anything 'better' out there, but you'll consider getting back with your ex if there isn't...

 

I'd be the first to admit it. I think in a lot of first serious relationships there's doubt that you made the right decision when you were 19 or 20. Especially when you are dating someone who keeps telling you he is too young (in his mid 20s) to know if you are the one that he wants, but doesn't want to break up because things are going well at the moment. And especially when the someone you are dating keeps making career decisions that leave him with no time to spend with you. And when you don't like his friends, and he doesn't like your friends. But, don't get me started..

 

But on the other hand, we love each other and we are comfortable with each other. It's hard to decide which part wins.

 

I hate to say it purple, but there's a really good chance he won't be there when you come back...if he's cool, intelligent and good looking.

 

I know, but that's a risk i'm totally willing to take at this point. Sometimes your gut feeling just tells you that you deserve better.

[NYCB]

Sometimes your gut feeling just tells you that you deserve better.

totally agreed. well, I didn't know all that about incompatibility of friends and what not...and the fact he says that he might not be the one for you. I guess it's important for you to see if he really is the best for you. Some space can give perspective...I guess.

[purple_monster]

Times like these I really wonder if the FIRST serious relationship of a couple can end up happy. Any stories?

 

edudlooc13 -- there's a woman i work with who has been married to her high school sweetheart for 7 years. it hasn't been without its bumps, but they are still together, although still young -- she just turned 30.

 

my cousin got married to a girl he had been after for years and years, and it was his first serious relationship, although not hers. but the relationship didn't actually happen until much later (mid-late 20s).