Need help.

[ashblaize]

I am a gay male in a relationship that has been on an off for about 5 years. Most recently, things were going really great and I thought that we were moving in a great direction and all of the sudden, we were in an argument on Monday night that resulted in him bringing up things from the past that i'd done. These were things which I thought I had apologized for and I had tried to make changes in myself to ensure that it wouldn't happen again. Here's the deal: Not too long ago, I had had a very serious conversation with my partner (we were 'on' at the time and had been for about 6 months) about how I felt that we both needed to be more aware of our alcohol consumption and he agreed with me. Two nights later, I was sitting at home and got a really sweet text message from him asking if he could come and stay at my place that night. When he showed up, he was WASTED. The next day, I overheard a friend of ours asking him a question about some of the 'stuff' he had given my partner the night before. I asked him about this and found out that not only was he wasted drunk, but he had also been doing other drugs. I told him that I was upset about that because of the conversation that we had had and that my feelings were hurt because it felt like everything i'd said meant nothing at all. He is still holding that against me. He says that I yelled at him and ruined his night and that he can't let go of it. I didn't yell, and I was trying to communicate that my feeling were hurt. I didn't verbally abuse him or cut him down to make him feel bad about doing it, I just wanted him to know how it made me feel. I thought I was doing the right thing and communicating. One main reason that this bothers me is because he has often brought up things from the past and made me feel like a monster. It's like he can tell me all of the things that I've done to hurt him (and repeatedly, I might add) but when I say one thing about my feelings being hurt, he holds it against me like a grudge. The other night, we were hanging out and all of the sudden he was really upset with me (we had been drinking at a work Christmas party, so I'm positive that was the reason for the freak out) and threw that one scenario in my face. Here's my question: Should I feel bad about standing up for my feelings and saying something? Doesn't this seem a bit unfair? He consistently reminds me of things that I've done in the past to hurt or upset him. It's beginning to feel a bit like emotional abuse. I've been cut down over and over and all of the apologizing and self-improvement that I can do won't suffice. Am I wrong in thinking that I'm not the only bad guy here? I can't imagine my life without him, but I don't know what to do. How can you help someone who has a hard time letting go of things that happened in the past? (Things with me, his family, friends... he holds on to it all...) I love him so much but I'm finding this fight extremely exhausting. I think that it's worth it, but only if we can progress and work through some of this stuff. I'm not entirely sure that can happen though I can't figure out how to help him and I'm so scared and sad right now. He's out of town for Xmas and we parted ways fighting on Monday night. After pushing me into a wall and away from his car (which he has never done anything like that before, which makes me think that he was being extremely irrational and I know that he was very very drunk), he took off in a drunken, upset state. So now, here I sit, not knowing what to do, how to feel, whether to give up, and wondering if it's as worth it now as it used to be. I just need some input from someone who doesn't know either of us. Should I just let it all go and hope that he will come to me and talk to me? Should I try and talk to him? I wish that we could afford couples' counseling, but I'm not even sure that he would be willing to do that... I'm just so scared and sad now. I'd thought until Monday that things were going really well for us, and then I was smacked in the face with the past.... Anyone? Any advice? I'm having a really hard time with this and I would appreciate sincerity. Thank you.

[Wistful]

He sounds really immature.

You need to sit down and tell him seriously...that if he wants to be together, he needs to stop living in the past and pay attention to now and the future.

What's done is done, and if he can't get over it, he needs to leave the relationship instead of using it against you everytime he gets in trouble for something.

[ashblaize]

Thanks. Yeah, we have a bit of an age gap between us, and I feel like that probably has a lot to do with it. It's just so hard to think about this being the end of us when I love him so much. Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it.

[Wistful]

Oh hun I know. Ending things with someone you have a long history with is the worst.

but if he can't truly 100% FORGIVE you...there can't really be a proper relationship.