Setbacks -- even LONG after the break-up

[browneyedgirl36]

So...my ex and I have not been officially "together" for over two years, though we have always remained in contact (we work together) and have had some sporadic contact outside of work. I had finally gotten to a point where I was convinced I could live without him, no problem. I still love him -- and always will care for him, as he was really the first man I was ever in love with (and it took me till age 36 to really fall in love with someone even though I had dated others before him, so that's saying a lot). I was FINALLY, after years of at least on some level hoping he'd figure out what he had and give us a chance, ready to move on. This year, I've been cultivating several new interests and been very successful with them thus far. I have gotten in excellent physical shape -- the best I've ever been in -- made new friends, excelled at work, spent a TON of time with friends and family, have been really enjoying life. I could see my future without him in it, and though it made me wistful, I was starting to get to that place where I could think of what we had and be grateful that it happened, even if it didn't go where I wanted it to.

 

Then, today...ugh. I overheard him talking about how last night he went on a first date with someone. When asked how it went, he said it went "pretty well." I didn't hear the rest of the conversation (between him and another colleague) because I blocked it out. I knew he had dated others (he blurted out a few weeks ago that he'd been dating a woman recently but dumped her because she was too demanding), but...this felt terrible. I realized, then, that I still have a ways to go before I will be 100% over him. I also realized that I would be well over him by now if I didn't work with him. Quitting or switching jobs has never been an option -- this is my career, one I love, and I'm not going anywhere -- so I have to tough it out. And, I know I will. This is just a setback, and it will pass. But...man, it hit me in the gut. I think it was confirmed for me today that, for him, I've always been just a soft place to land -- his last relationship destroyed him, and I was there to help ease the pain. In hindsight, I should have bailed on him long, long ago, probably after our third date, several years ago, when he told me "I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you" but also told me "You are so special, and so beautiful, and I don't want you to get hurt." I should have listened back then, but instead, I threw myself into loving him for nearly five years, only to get back not even a fraction of what I gave. Two days ago, he gave me a card with a heartfelt message inside, thanking me for my love and friendship and the time we have spent together. A few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving, he told me how thankful he was for me, how much I mean to him, etc. And yet...he's looking for other women. That's all I need to know.

 

This is the end. No more hope. No more hanging on, even just a little, hoping things will change. It's done. I don't have any choice now but to move on for good. I didn't realize just how much in denial I was about this whole moving on thing until this overheard conversation punched me in the gut today.

 

Not sure of the point of my post, except to give these few bits of advice: 1) Please, please, please don't get involved with a new person if you are still grieving your last relationship; if you're getting involved with someone to ease your loneliness or to distract you from your pain, please think twice. This is exactly what my ex did to me, and it put me on a very long and painful roller coaster ride (one that, admittedly, I knew I was on and should have gotten off of long ago). 2) If you think you're involved with someone who isn't that into you or is still too into someone else or who "doesn't want a relationship right now" when you know you DO want one...let him or her go. Don't do what I did and hang around hoping he/she will come around. It's a recipe for heartbreak. Basically, I acted as a bandaid for his wounds, and once he was healed, he moved on and is dating others, leaving me out in the cold. Again, my choice to stick around, and I shouldn't have. I have learned my lesson. 3) Don't settle for less than what you want, and don't compromise yourself just to feel wanted. No relationship at all is infinitely healthier than being in one in which you feel taken for granted or question whether or not the other person is as invested as you are. Another sad lesson learned for me.

 

Take care, all...don't avoid love, but look out for your hearts.

[LDRohnos]

Stinks you had to deal with that. If I had to sit 5 feet from my ex and hear her talk about a date I'd have the same reaction. You might very well be over him in almost every way. Really the last step to moving on is finding someone new, when you're ready!

[browneyedgirl36]

Stinks you had to deal with that. If I had to sit 5 feet from my ex and hear her talk about a date I'd have the same reaction. You might very well be over him in almost every way. Really the last step to moving on is finding someone new, when you're ready!

 

 

Thanks -- it really is tough. My office is ten feet from his, and today, he was talking to a colleague in the office next to his, with his door open, when he KNEW I was in the vicinity...I mean, really. UGH. I was doing SO well getting to the point where I could think of what happened between us and NOT cry or feel like I might cry. I could actually smile about times we had together and be grateful that we had those times, but this set me back, for sure.

 

Well, I won't be seeing him for a month, now, so...I hope that will help.

[rapunzel]

Wow, once again reading your post browneyedgirl, I felt like I was reading my own story. This is exactly what happened to me. He was not over his ex and I was the "salve" that helped heal his wounds. At one point I also received a letter thanking me for my "friendship". We are so far from being friends and we do work together, but not in an office - as musicians. In November a bunch of people in our group went to a concert, and he organized a dinner beforehand. I learned a few weeks prior to this that he had bought four tickets and I overheard him say that he was going with "three guys". At the dinner, one of these "guys" was a woman, the same woman he had brought to one of our shows shortly after he dumped me. i remember vividly how truly awful that night was (yes, about two years ago) and my visceral reaction to seeing him canoodling another woman.

 

So here I am last month, at a dinner, with he and his date! This same woman! I never would have gone but I heard he was going with three guys, so it seemed safe. I know they are not serious, and I think he just calls her from time to time, as I haven't seen her before or after this, but I felt sucker punched as I am still alone, after meeting him 5 years ago and falling in love with him. He knew he wasn't over his ex when he got involved with me, yet he did. Some people are capable of this, I am certainly not. I think men will gladly seek sexual fulfillment from women when they are suffering from a broken heart and this was actually the situation I was in. Like you, I still suffer from the fall-out to this day and as my mother has reminded me: "honey, he isn't spending anytime thinking about you so you have to stop giving him free rent space in your head". If only it were that easy. He clearly doesn't think of me at all based on this dinner in November!

 

Someday, this situation will be over - maybe this year and I will get away from him completely. No Contact all the way! ;-)