i just don't understand...wth? kinda long...sorry

[lovinlife]

this is actually my second time around posting about a break up. first time was about 2 yrs ago and this forum was such an awesome experience. it helped me out a lot and i have continued to refer back to it these past couple of years for multiple reasons. thanks in advance for taking the time to read this post.

 

a little back story. the ex that broke up with me 2 yrs ago was, i thought, the love of my life. i still have not loved anyone like i loved her, but i know that's probably because i haven't met the right person yet. i don't know. i waited 6 months post BU to even think about putting myself out there because i knew i wouldn't be ready. 9 months later i meet this really great gal on a dating site. we hit it off really well. it was long distance....nearly 500 miles.

 

we set up an initial visit after we had been talking for bout 2 months. just getting to know each other. it was nice meeting her in person, but to be honest it was still kinda awkward meeting her in person for the time. we had a great time. we texted each other all day...skyped all night. at this point we're rolling pretty good. buot 5-6 months after we began talking and after we've visited each other a few times, she comes to a costume party with me in my hometown. well...my ex before her shows up with her newest gal about 3 hrs later and they are dressed just like us! it was also the first time i had seen my ex since the break up which at that point was over a year.

 

seeing the ex sent me into a tailspin and my new relationship was starting to suffer. i just couldn't get the ex outta my head and it affected my feelings for my gf. i didn't want the feelings for my ex...i wanted them with my current gf. over the months things just got worse and i completely pulled away from my gf and was cold and neglected her for several months. i attempted to BU with her a few times but she couldn't handle it. this is even after i told her the ex stuff was messing with my head and my feelings for her were not clear right. she persisted and kept saying she would wait. i told her she shouldn't have to wait. its not right nor fair. i was REALLY cold and distant to where i didn't even want to have sex. she never gave up.

 

well..a few months back i was finally coming through the ex crap and coming back around again. i told my somewhat gf (its complicated) i would really like to talk seriously about us working this out. but i told her i understood if it was too little too late and she had every right to tell me to **** off. she said it was never too little to late. so, at my own pace i was slowly coming around and working on things and she said she noticed. that's been about 3 months now. we had a great weekend a few weeks ago and we're both feeling like we're back on the right track.

 

well, after going with me to family stuff last weekend she now tells me she thinks she may have to move cuz of school (she moved her 5 months ago to be closer to me. she switched schools working on phd...we're both mid 30's) and finding work in her soon to be new field. i got upset bc we were starting to do so well and why didn't she say something sooner. she said she just realized in last couple weeks. so i'm frustrated that she relentlessly pursued and now that my feelings are back...she does this. we had an argument this past weekend about it and now she won't talk to me and says the spark is gone because i screamed at her. and she doesn't like to be screamed at. which she has actually told me that she has dropped people/friends because someone yelled at her.

 

anyway, sorry this was so long. she is now avoiding me after i have sent an email apologizing for what happened. the person that couldn't go an hour without texting has now gone to not responding to me. and she claims its because i screamed at her and not how distant and cold i was. i just don't understand. i would have never even thought about staying or wanting to be with someone that was as cold as i was.

 

any clue as to what's going on? she feels now that she got what she wanted and now doesn't want it anymore on top of now thinking back at how cold i was?

 

advice?

[ewr]

Sorry your going through a tough time. You might never get the proper answers to the questions your asking. We can all give our opinions, but the only person that really knows is her, and us dumpees usually aren't lucky enough to get it out of them. You said yourself she has dropped people for yelling at her, but you refuse to believe that she would do the same to you? Sometimes, if the spark is on the line, all it takes is one more argument to blow it out. That doesn't give you permission to go moping around being mad at yourself for yelling at her...you didn't ruin anything, so don't think it. Try not to get into the train of thought like "the person that couldn't go an hour now is not texting".....people change, when we are with them, and after we are broken up...and thinking about these changes is just going to make you more upset.

 

You apologized for what you did. You also had the chance to show her that you were coming around...and you used that chance well. There really isn't much else you can do but give her space and time to think. She also has other things on her mind like her school and career. You are trying to use the fact that she stuck around during your cold time as some way of saying "she CAN'T leave me over one argument, she stayed with me through ALL THAT".....can't really think like that either. As hard as it may be to accept, you could have been slowly running down her will to make it work. I used to say the same thing as you...my ex put up with horrible crap from me for 10 months, then I had a month where I was PERFECT to her, then she finally moved out over one stupid argument, and claimed that although she stayed, it slowly ate away at that "spark"...and " I just have nothing left, no more chances to give you" in her own words....so I was stuck saying "BUT WE WERE JUST PERFECT..I JUST FIGURED IT ALL OUT!!"...but it was too little too late. Yes, she stuck with me through a LOT...always would be the one to tell me how strong we were and how I would HAVE to be the one to leave her because she could never leave me.....but in the end things ended up working out the way they did...she left...now is with a guy she cheated on me with....who's to blame? Both of us and none of us.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, don't use the past to try and judge her current and future actions, because no matter how much we think it's impossible, people change. The best thing you can do is let your apology linger around in her head and see what happens. If she decides she can't do it, don't beg and plead and say "BUT BEFORE...YOU SAID!"...just wish her well. If you want, send her ONE last Email, explaining your case to her, getting anything out you need to get out, try not to ask too many questions because it might never get responded to...and then just cut contact with her, and begin to heal. If she says she want's to work on things, then you will have to use your judgement according to her terms and situation to decide whether it's worth it or not.

 

Oh, that tailspin your ex put you into, should have been a warning to you about whether or not you really should be in a relationship in the first place. You even say you tried to break up with your current girl because feelings for your ex wouldn't go away...keep that in mind when thinking about the general scheme of what's happening.

 

Keep your head up.

[lovinlife]

thanks so much ewr....it felt good reading your email. you made some very good points. maybe you;re right...she was just worn out by time i came out of it. even though she didn't act like it on the outside i guess she was going through it on the inside. i sent her an email last week apologizing for upsetting her and such and told her some things that she was wanting to hear. a day earlier i also drove down and gave her flowers and a card and apologized for upsetting her and wished her luck on her finals. she was surprised and wouldn't stop hugging me and such. i drove right back up to let her focus on her finals and after the flowers and the email she went cold. stopped texting. it was strange. she said best thing to do is to let her cool down and think about what she wants. so that's what i've done. she's texted a few times. i did call her last night and left her a message that i think we should talk...but when she's ready. said it would be nice to hear from her and i would talk to her later. she sent a text back bout an hour later that said she was painting (artist) and still was. i saw it this morning, but i haven't responded. i'm not initiating anything else. if she wants to call...she will. i'm not gonna beg and say i can't live without her or anything.

 

i think i'm just baffled by the 180. makes me think someone's popped up in the last couple weeks or something.

[ewr]

That wouldn't be out of the question, but also something I wouldn't worry over. It sounds like you did everything you could have and if you stick to your game plan, even if she doesn't come around, you can say you tried your hardest, which seems like it would make letting go harder "BUT I TRIED SO HARD"....but trust me, it's much better than having to say "I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT TRYING ENOUGH".....

 

Stay strong and really try and keep your word about not begging, even if the worst case scenario comes along. The flowers and going to see her was more than enough to show her you are serious about working things out, so just let her figure herself out.

[lovinlife]

you are right. you have helped me feel a little stronger this morning. i was thinking about reaching out to her today, but i just cannot do it. if she wants to she will reach out to me. i don't wanna make her feel the same kind of pressure i felt from her when i was dealing with stuff and being cold. the more she tried...the more she really pushed me away. it was when she slacked off a good bit that i started coming back towards her. anyway, i guess for now you just go one day at a time and not try to think about it too much.

 

i know she's missing her children who recently moved to another state with her ex husband. i always wondered how she could be separated from them like that. i think its setting in how much she misses them and that may be playing a role in this as well. maybe not.