HopeJones Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 What to do - I just found out that the guy I've have been talking to online is married? We've been talking for 6 months (on an online dating site) - he was the 1st to admit to a "connection". He never once gave any clue about being involved or married. He's in the British Army and since October has "supposedly" been in Afghanistan. I've had a few emails from him since (quite vague) but only a couple, not like the daily emails we used to send. I assumed it was because he was busy , on the ground but yesterday evening I found out differently. My email account sent me updates on everyone in my address book who has a Twitter account - not only does he list "husband" in his headlines but his wife is on his followers list. I know it sounds a bit stalker-like but I couldn't help checking her account. On it she has a photo of their new daughter & Daddy... which also means that he was talking to women online whilst his wife was pregnant with his child. I'm not going to lie, I felt my heart break a little when I saw it. I feel like a fool. What should I do? Should I at least let him know that I know and that I'm angry? My feelings are so confused. I know that I don't want a relationship with him, as he is married but I really don't know what to do or how to feel. I can't talk to my friends about it yet as, even though they knew I was trying online dating, I feel like such an idiot, falling for a guy like that. It hurts a lot - partially because I had developed feelings for him but also because I feel so stupid... Part of me feels that I don't have any right to mourn what I thought was developing into a relationship, because he is married , but another part of me feels so sad. Any advice or experience welcome Link to comment
Wistful Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 This is easy. Tell him to get himself together and take care of his family. He has a child for goodness sakes. You are not to blame. And remember that if he's doing this to his wife and child, he will do it to you too. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please don't feel bad about it, okay? You didn't know. It's important to cut off contact now, of course, but don't feel bad. You had no idea that he was married and were intended on building a relationship with this man and it's OKAY to grieve that loss. It's still a valid loss to you. You're not an idiot at all. In the future, you may want to meet guys early on, and not go for ones that are "stationed" somewhere. Just don't do it. Then after you meet them, you can always invest a few dollars in a quick background check, just to make sure that he's not a felon, married, or a sex offender. That's what I did when I dated online. It's for your own safety. I would just cease contact with him. Don't talk to him or anything. Just make it seem like you fell off of the map. Have you considered contacting the wife? I think she does deserve to know that her husband's a cheat. Do you know her email? If not, contact her via Twitter and offer up some details and your email for her to contact you, be polite and sympathetic about it. If she wants to know the truth, she'll get back to you. Link to comment
aminaSa Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 woow,,,how often did you talk in those 6 months? did it happen very often? if yes then how could he get the time?? Link to comment
RedDress Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Personally? I'd cut contact but I wouldn't say why. Do you really think he'll stop? No. He will simply become wise to the fact that his email is attached to his twitter and will hide it better from the next girl. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I totally agree with RedDress. I would just cut all ties and leave him in the dark. If you tell him he has been found out, he won't care. He will just move on to the next person. Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Cut and run. He won't change or stop pursuing other women, so calling him out on it won't do any good. As others have mentioned, he'll likely just take more care in covering his tracks. Best to just remove yourself from the situation. Link to comment
laura40 Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I met a man online once and he turned out to be engaged. I was chatting to him over a period of a few months and he admitted he had fallen for me and was in love with me. I had no idea about his fiancee until she rang me one day demanding to know who I was. Sad thing was she didn't believe me at all when I told her everything her fiance had said to me. I even had proof. Stupidly I accepted his grovelling and kept chatting to him (on a civil term only) however I soon kicked him out of my life after that. I would suggest you do the same, kick him out. He's bound to go on to the next girl anyway. Link to comment
HopeJones Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thanks ladies You're right - what I need to do is cut all ties and stay off his radar. As for contacting his wife, although she deserves to know, I don't think I could do that. It could break up their family... Link to comment
HopeJones Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you xxx Link to comment
HopeJones Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you Fudgie xxx Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Thanks ladies You're right - what I need to do is cut all ties and stay off his radar. As for contacting his wife, although she deserves to know, I don't think I could do that. It could break up their family... Completely agree. I would avoid typing and talking to someone for that long without meeting in person. That helps to screen out the married/attached men. Link to comment
laura40 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Good for you HopeJones. I agree with Batya33, always try and meet someone as soon as possible. It's also a good idea because if you realise you don't have chemistry in the flesh then you haven't become too involved. Link to comment
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