Is NC really the only hope to ever get an ex back?

[rebellefleur]

No contact is a constant theme here on ENA, and definitely the hardest thing to maintain. It's only been day three for me and i feel absolutely terrible. Does NC really work in bringing an ex lover back? I know that NC is all about having time for you, but without even meaning it to, does it ever bring people around?

 

I feel like it's doing the complete opposite. I spent so many months fighting for him and could never get anywhere, i was just kept on a string, although he'll deny that. I feel like how much i tried with him and i guess, for lack of better terms, clingy i was with him, he'd notice my no contact by now. We deleted each other off facebook but sometimes i'll see his comments on his friends walls, and he just seems so much happier and stress free without me constantly bugging him, plus he's always with his friends and doing things, i feel like he doesn't even miss me. (Granted, i'm younger than most and my ex and I were 23, so it could just be an immaturity issue.)

 

I just feel like NC is giving him a sense of relief and comfort, while it's making me feel like absolute * * * * . Is there hope for someone to come back during NC?

[Thorshammer]

I spent so many months fighting for him and could never get anywhere, i was just kept on a string, although he'll deny that. I feel like how much i tried with him and i guess, for lack of better terms, clingy i was with him, he'd notice my no contact by now.

 

So... you are saying you tried to pull him in... and it didnt work? And are now asking if pushing away works? Well, no one can look into your future, but you know yourself that the pulling didnt work, so its obvious that you have no choice but to push away (go nc and heal). Being clingy itself is you pulling way too much, making yourself way too available, its best to reverse this if you intend to attract back, this is something you actually have to get rid of regardless, those are bad behavioral traits in every case.

 

You stunt your healing by having hope. You rely on something expecting 100% hope then you will just be desperate, and still be that clingy and needy person. If that person does have doubts (be it that hes with someone now or still single) will never grow if you keep cycling back to those same behaviors that keep confirming to him why he left. Its best to move on, get stronger, and be in a better position of strength. Just because NC makes the ex curious doesnt mean they want you back, hence why you shouldnt be concentrated on NC and them coming back, because if you work yourself up building scenarios in your head, you will just return right back to the break-up when/if you are disappointed.

 

I had ex's come back, and NC was the only option, it was the only choice. Its my behavior when they were interested that had me return to the seat of power as if we never dated and started at day 1.

[rebellefleur]

You always give really well written advice. Since you're a guy, when guys seem like they don't care/ are happier without you post break up, should i take it for what it is? That he really just doesn't care. I mean i guess it has to mean that if he doesn't even bother to contact me or wonder what i'm up to, but then again 3 days may be too early for that.

[curiocity]

Is NC really the only hope to ever get an ex back? Perhaps!

Is NC really the only hope to ever get yourself back? Without a doubt!

[Thorshammer]

You always give really well written advice. Since you're a guy, when guys seem like they don't care/ are happier without you post break up, should i take it for what it is? That he really just doesn't care. I mean i guess it has to mean that if he doesn't even bother to contact me or wonder what i'm up to, but then again 3 days may be too early for that.

 

If he is acting like he doesnt care then that it is probably true. If we were to accept that he was pretending to not care, then he is still being careless and malicious against you. But, it could be possible that you are misinterpreting his behavior. Yes, ex's do feel the loss, but they also feel relief. For many cases, this is something that took planning, a seed started a path, and in time it was executed, so he knew what he was doing, he already replayed the scenario of being free and single. So, it might not be so much him trying to hurt you, but him now being single and living that life, but without being sensible about it.

 

You should really avoid looking at his page. This is the main reason why people delete their ex's off fb. My ex broke up with me and i saw on her fb laughing with friends. I was freaking fuming. Another ex put a pic of her and her baby-father and his family smiling. Another put a pic of her in a more sexual look than normal, i saw what i wanted to see, i was running on emotions and i turned everything into betrayal. But, for all i know they broke up with me 4 months ago before it being official, that they felt the guilt and loss 4 months ago, now they are just acting on relief. It was still stupid, but they dont see or feel with our eyes and hearts to be careful of what they display, they were the dumper, we are the dumped, we are running on sensitivity and rejection and they arent (though its not an excuse, its still inappropriate to me personally if there was years of love lost).

[OrangeMoon]

You always give really well written advice. Since you're a guy, when guys seem like they don't care/ are happier without you post break up, should i take it for what it is? That he really just doesn't care. I mean i guess it has to mean that if he doesn't even bother to contact me or wonder what i'm up to, but then again 3 days may be too early for that.

 

Go on a 60 day NC regime for now..dont look at facebook or his friends'. Just cut all contact.

Its not about him not thinking about you once in a while. Its about him feeling he's better off without you.

 

Go on a 60 day regime for YOU and tell us how you feel. Its going to be tough..but it will focus you on doing things for YOU.

[inthemeadow]

Everyone has great comments! The first week is without a doubt the hardest. The person can feel like an addiction, and like you are withdrawing painfully from it. That's how it was for my last breakup. He kept me at arms length even though I desperately wanted him back. I only stopped contact after I found out something about him that made me really mad. Well, months down the line after not speaking to him he was acting like he wanted to get back together. I NEVER would have expected that from him. The funny part is, after that much time to process what a crappy guy he was, I just didn't want him anymore. Now, I'm in the final stage of a breakup: not really caring what he does with whom but wishing the best for him.

[lemonhaze]

I'm sorry but if you've been bugging this guy for several months I don't know if NC is going to do much in terms of getting him back, do it to heal yourself.

[rebellefleur]

Everyone has great comments! The first week is without a doubt the hardest. The person can feel like an addiction, and like you are withdrawing painfully from it. That's how it was for my last breakup. He kept me at arms length even though I desperately wanted him back. I only stopped contact after I found out something about him that made me really mad. Well, months down the line after not speaking to him he was acting like he wanted to get back together. I NEVER would have expected that from him. The funny part is, after that much time to process what a crappy guy he was, I just didn't want him anymore. Now, I'm in the final stage of a breakup: not really caring what he does with whom but wishing the best for him.

 

Good for you! That's really great to hear. What exactly made you feel like you would have never expected him to come back? How did he act?

[rebellefleur]

Thanks again. You're right, it can feel as if they are being careless about what they post. That is without a doubt the hardest pill to swallow, that they're just...okay, while we're suffering and feeling terrible. I've only been in two major relationships and i've always been the one dumped so i can't understand from the other's perspective but i do know being in the shoes of the dumped hurts like hell.

 

You're completely right about the whole pulling out way before process, like they absolutely plan it out. Plus, as i mentioned i'm on the younger spectrum, so a 23 year old male i feel craves freedom, especially when a relationship becomes real and needs work. That is the way it felt with us. Everything was perfect in the beginning but once the real work of a relationship kicked in, he started to back away, and once things got harder and it was all me putting the work into fixing things, he walked away completely. It's just hard for me to accept.

[liukang76]

No contact is meant to get you back. It's not meant to get an ex to come back to you but rather a way for you to heal emotionally. I know it's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You can't make anyone feel what you want them to feel for you. Take care of yourself. Use this time to learn about who you really are and what you want from your life.

[sakakori]

I am going thru the same thing, my wife of 11 yrs left me with my 3 kids here in CA to her sister in AZ she said she was coming back after 3weeks it is now 4months since she left. I had a drinking problem but I have completed my 12step program. I have been communicating with her daily sometimes several times a day. She promised to come home before xmas, I got the airfair funds and now she is playing games. She avoids my calls and finally sent me nasty text messages, implicating I am displaying too much desperation. I have been adviced to start the NC strategy, today is my day 2. last night she sent me a text saying the kids wanted to pray with me over the phone, I ignored text.

[Awoken]

NC is very, very difficult. Especially in the first few weeks. I am almost 2 months into post BU. I communicated with my ex almost two weeks ago. And have done nothing since then. It still hurts and I still miss her everyday. But people have said it here already to you: NC is to help you heal NOT get your ex back. It may take a few weeks, months even years but eventually you will heal and will have a more positive mindset to make sensible decisions. It sucks right now, just make sure you have great family and friend support, also keep using this site to help with your healing process. Good luck my friend

[EmmieQ]

Everything was perfect in the beginning but once the real work of a relationship kicked in, he started to back away, and once things got harder and it was all me putting the work into fixing things, he walked away completely. It's just hard for me to accept.

 

The same thing happened to me, which, 2 months post breakup, makes me wonder if I even want him back.

Can't having him step out of the relationship each time when things get somewhat more tough.

After me begging and pleading, I initiated NC, and each day, I feel better about it.

A couple of days ago, he asked me on a 'date' (whether just for sex, or for something more serious, I don't know), but although that would have made me so happy 2 months ago, I doubt I will accept his invitation.

I just seem to care less each day.

But hey, this is an emotional rollercoaster with ups and downs, not every day is easy, who knows how I will feel tomorrow ?

 

You will get there !! Good luck !

[Ms Darcy]

Here's the thing, and I don't think you would want to hear this ... if the relationship was flawed and he left AND he's happier, there is no reason to come back. He lost attraction, in part due to what you call neediness and insecurity, and that is not often somethin that just flips back on.

 

I know many won't agree with me on this but relationships shouldn't be "hard." Maybe they require time and communication, but if you are fighting (for example) it may be due to an underlying incompatibility.

 

I have noticed that many guys expect a good relationship means two peices of a puzzle coming together without struggle. Some women think communication can help make non-fitting puzzle pieces "make it work." In the end, you both should be compatible with some communication but if your relationship takes a lot of "work" then it's a red flag in my mind.

 

If he's happier, and finds someone he gets along with better, then that's ok. That means you can find someone better for you too.

[Fun Boater 1]

No contact is a constant theme here on ENA, and definitely the hardest thing to maintain. It's only been day three for me and i feel absolutely terrible. Does NC really work in bringing an ex lover back? I know that NC is all about having time for you, but without even meaning it to, does it ever bring people around?

 

I feel like it's doing the complete opposite. I spent so many months fighting for him and could never get anywhere, i was just kept on a string, although he'll deny that. I feel like how much i tried with him and i guess, for lack of better terms, clingy i was with him, he'd notice my no contact by now. * * * * . Is there hope for someone to come back during NC?

 

From your own description of the relationship it has been over for some time. If you spent "so many months fighting for him and could never get anywhere" why would you be worried about a few days of NC? This boy is not interested in being a relationship with you and there is nothing you can do to "bring him around". Months spent pursueing him without obtaining him should be telling you something - he's not interested. Stop chasing him and start dating other people. Put him out of your mind and move forward. He knows you want him, and if he changes his mind he will begin showing interest in you. Until that happens leave him alone.

[LastMan]

NC is indeed the only "hope" in getting an ex back, but not for the reasons you think.

 

If you stick to NC and stay strong, you will eventually reach a state in which you don't even want him/her back.

 

Then and only then will the ex show any real discomfort in the idea of losing you.

[intotheself]

I found this in 'Healing...' forum. It helps me to stick to NC. I heard that it becomes easier once you reach 60 days of NC. So try, heal, and move on.

 

 

link removed

[Humbert]

I want to add to the discussion this experience of mine 8212;

 

My ex-girlfriend's roommate (who, if anyone remembers my particular thread, happens to be my former roommate) confided in me that the ex feels ignored by me, and that this might explain why she is not exactly comfortable approaching me. Consider: if someone seems uninterested in you, it may pique their interest and fascination, but how well do you think it will work to draw them in? Not everyone is a go-getter type; those who are may be compelled to pursue you, while the more reserved and shy type will only be further dissuaded. That is something to ponder.

 

I have seen this happen with me, with (what do you know!) another ex-girlfriend. In this situation, I have no romantic feelings leftover; we dated so many years ago. Recently she began texting me, and I responded happily. When out of the blue she stopped messaging me, yes, my interest grew slightly; yet I had no desire whatsoever to keep texting her, even if only to maintain a friendship. If she were now to resume contacting me, I would feel much more willing to talk to her; till then, I really don't care.

 

Moral of the story: pulling away can only go so far. You can't always expect Christmas in July! We may have to reconsider the maxim that everyone wants what they can't have. There are plenty of women I know I can't have and therefore I stay away from them!

[Nick Lansing]

NC is definitely the right play.

 

You say you tried for months to make things work. Obviously, that didn't work. Perhaps he just didn't see you as a future life partner, or perhaps he took you for granted. Only way for him to stop taking you for granted is to go away completely. I'm usually not an advocate of hardcore NC but in this instance, I do recommend that.

 

Meantime, work on yourself, don't take the (apparent) rejection personally, be open to the idea of dating other guys, do not check up on him at all, and don't try to make him jealous. And don't even think of contacting him at all until spring, at the earliest. By then you may realize you don't even want him, and you should be well on the road to being ready for whatever. Spring is a time for renewal, for new beginnings. I have a feeling it won't be with him though. You deserve better.

[rebellefleur]

Thank you Nick, it's refreshing to hear something positive once in awhile instead of answers that just beat me down into the ground even more. I appreciate you giving me hope for myself in a nice way and not being so harsh and telling me that "my clinginess and insecurities pushed him away and he's never coming back, etc." Obviously i recognize those things but everyone does have flaws. I regret mine, but at the same time it's nice for someone...especially MALE to see the possibility of faults on his side as well. And the reassurance of new beginnings is really nice to hear.

 

I was so close to texting him today after day 4 of NC, just to bring up the fact that he could forget me so easily and how i don't understand that, but i read your post and i immediately decided to hold on to my dignity. Thanks.

[Nick Lansing]

I'm glad I could make you feel better.

 

HOLD ONTO YOUR DIGNITY. That's one thing no one can take from you. You can give it away, but no one can take it from you. There's this book I read, I can't remember the title right now, but it's about the author's experience in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. Pretty much everyone there knew they were doomed, but he was struck at how some people sold out and worked with the guards as snitches, some people freaked out and lost it completely, but others just bore their burden with as much dignity as possible, even as they were lice-ridden, sick, naked and starving. They kept their composure, helped their fellow sufferers when they could, and wouldn't give the guards the satisfaction of breaking down. Most of them met their Maker with their dignity intact, and were a huge source of inspiration to the author.

 

I relaize that's a bit heavy for this, but an psudo-ex of mine lent me the book when I was going through a depression caused by a breakup. Put my problems in perspective, and renewed my faith in the dignity of the human spirit at the same time. And it inspired me to maintain my dignity, which i was at least partially successful at doing...

 

One other thing: the role of the ego in a situation like this. Your self-image may feel a bit diminished after being dumped. But remember, it isn't any reflection of your worth as a person. or of your attractiveness, or anything else really. People dump people for any number of reasons, which reasons may or may not be "good" reasons. I know I've rejected women who were perfectly wonderful people, smart, attractive women who treated me well, because for whatever reason I didn't quite "click" with them (including the woman who lent me that book), or just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. And I've fallen for women who, in the cold light of day, were clearly nothing great. And I've changed my mind about women. And they have about me.

 

This guy didn't treat you well, it doesn't sound like. I'm not saying you shoud never forgive him, but to me he starts with a negative balance in comparison with every other guy in the world. Leave him alone, let him feel your absence. In a few months, if you do that, the balance of power will have shifted. He may not want you back, but at a minimum he will have renewed respect for you (as you will for yourself) and frankly I doubt you'll want him back.

[HopeArises]

Is NC really the only hope to ever get an ex back? Perhaps!

Is NC really the only hope to ever get yourself back? Without a doubt!

 

No and no.

[HopeArises]

From your own description of the relationship it has been over for some time. If you spent "so many months fighting for him and could never get anywhere" why would you be worried about a few days of NC? This boy is not interested in being a relationship with you and there is nothing you can do to "bring him around".

 

Wrong. There most definitely are things she can do to re-attract him. Being clingy and needy and always there is not one of those things though.

[curiocity]

No and no.

 

Easy answers. Care to elaborate?