Is there ANY way to tell, near the beginning, that a relationship will work?

[EmmaB78]

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago who I am really beginning to like. He seems to like me very much too, and I am feeling very happy about the whole thing, but...

 

Some of the posts on this site are really beginning to freak me out, especially the ones where the guy or girl just randomly disappears after a month or more of dating. And the common thread throughout many of them seems to be that the person who was left doesn't see it coming. In fact, they thought everything was going really well. Sometimes these people even mention tons of signs they had that things were going well, and from an outside perspective they seem to have had no reason to worry at all. And yet suddenly the other person disappears without so much as a good-bye.

 

So I guess the bottom line is, can you ever really trust anything at the beginning? I have been on five dates with this new guy, and we are exclusive - did have a short talk to confirm, but it wasn't a big deal because it turned out we both just like to concentrate on one person at a time. I wouldn't call it a relationship yet because it's a bit soon, but we've both made it clear that that's the direction in which we're headed. We have both flat out said that we like each other. I've met a few of his friends. We get along very well when we're together and talk multiple times everyday in between. We find each other physically attractive. We have similar life goals and similar levels of intelligence. One night, we got into a conversation with some strangers, and when my guy left for a moment, they started gushing about how awesome he was and how obvious it was that he liked me. Etc. Etc.

 

So I know all of this is good, but it seems like other people have had these exact same experiences, and then were blindsided. I'm not talking about an ordinary break up - I'm talking about, the relationship is just getting off the ground, all signs point to go, and then the person just flat out disappears.

 

Isn't there ANY way to tell - some red flag, something - the difference between when this is going to happen (the disappearance) and when it's not? It seems like you can't count on words OR actions. I just want to know if there's something I can/should look out for or if I'm stuck just slowly letting myself fall for this person with the knowledge that he could change his mind in an instant?

[Lucy3]

I don't think there is any way of knowing how it will work out, time and time again I have had guys tell me how much they like me/ say they want a relationship/ ETC blah blah blah cr*p cr*p lol (even had one guy change jobs and move nearer to me) and it just never works out for me!! Men are just ODD human beings that i will NEVER understand. But then every day i look around and relationships work for others so i think for some people it just happens and for others it doesn't!! Whats your history of past relationships? sounds like you havent experienced anything bad?

[Eocsor]

There is no way to tell if a relationship will work at the beginning. There is no way to tell if a relationship will work after years together. People break up at all stages of life, sometimes with little warning. Youoften see long time married couples split and one partner had no idea anything was wrong. Being in a relationship is an act of faith. You can only go by what you believe. But since we can never really know another person, you can never really be 100% safe.

[EmmaB78]

Lucy - I have had bad experiences, but not the kind that people talk about here. I've either had longer-term relationships where the problems were obvious long before the end or shorter term "flings" where I overlooked every sign in the book that it was casual for the other person. But the stories here, and what you just said, seem to indicate that many, many, many times things simply end with no warning at all.

 

Eocsor - Do you think the person who thought nothing was wrong maybe overlooked something? Or the other person was just a really good actor?

[sidehop]

There isn't. But I believe if two people have similar life goals and can work together as a couple (married or not) then the chances are you'll be able to come any obstacles that two of you will face. It's when people stop caring for one another and stop working hard in a relationship that the fallout can happen.

[Raaawr]

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago who I am really beginning to like. He seems to like me very much too, and I am feeling very happy about the whole thing, but...

Focus on the now. Forget about the destination. It could literally be anywhere you cant plan a road that you dont know where its going. All you can do is build today and maybe tomorrow you will have to twist it and turn it, maybe not. Point is you dont know about tomorrow, you only know yesterday and today.

 

Some of the posts on this site are really beginning to freak me out, especially the ones where the guy or girl just randomly disappears after a month or more of dating.

It can happen yes, but its worth the risk.

 

And the common thread throughout many of them seems to be that the person who was left doesn't see it coming. In fact, they thought everything was going really well. Sometimes these people even mention tons of signs they had that things were going well, and from an outside perspective they seem to have had no reason to worry at all. And yet suddenly the other person disappears without so much as a good-bye.

Its all subjective. You can easily read the signs wrong or you are reading them right but an unforeseen event happens in the others life and they disappear for themselves.

 

So I guess the bottom line is, can you ever really trust anything at the beginning?

Well you sort of have to or you will never get anywhere with anyone.

 

I have been on five dates with this new guy, and we are exclusive - did have a short talk to confirm, but it wasn't a big deal because it turned out we both just like to concentrate on one person at a time.

Something in common.

 

I wouldn't call it a relationship yet because it's a bit soon, but we've both made it clear that that's the direction in which we're headed. We have both flat out said that we like each other.

So why are you getting yourself so worried over nothing? He could die tomorrow you know!

 

I've met a few of his friends. We get along very well when we're together and talk multiple times everyday in between. We find each other physically attractive. We have similar life goals and similar levels of intelligence. One night, we got into a conversation with some strangers, and when my guy left for a moment, they started gushing about how awesome he was and how obvious it was that he liked me. Etc. Etc.

Sounds good.

 

So I know all of this is good, but it seems like other people have had these exact same experiences, and then were blindsided. I'm not talking about an ordinary break up - I'm talking about, the relationship is just getting off the ground, all signs point to go, and then the person just flat out disappears.

Some people go to bed at night and wake up the next morning DEAD! Well they dont wake up but it is equally distressing. You are worrying about things that you have no reason to worry about, yeah they may happen and yes it has happened to others but that doesnt mean it will happen to you.

 

Isn't there ANY way to tell - some red flag, something - the difference between when this is going to happen (the disappearance) and when it's not? It seems like you can't count on words OR actions. I just want to know if there's something I can/should look out for or if I'm stuck just slowly letting myself fall for this person with the knowledge that he could change his mind in an instant?

Not really no. By looking for these red flags you will only create them. Best thing you can do is relax and let things flow naturally and be confident in yourself. Remind yourself you are awesome and thats why he is with you. Think awesome, feel awesome and be awesome! All in all, stop worrying!

[Angel Irulan]

If just reading about this type of thing stresses you out, don't read the romance posts. Read another topic. You are borrowing trouble. It's like seeing a medical student who "gets" all the diseases they learn about. Chill....

 

Angel

[Liraele]

There isn't, you just have to decide whether or not to jump in or hold yourself back. You risk something either way, but keep in mind, there is a reason that many people - even those who have had their hearts broken many times - will say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

 

You may lose by jumping in - you'll lose more by holding back.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In life there are no guarantees. You can go on the vacation of your dreams and get killed in a plane crash. You can walk out the door and get hit by a car. Just existing is risky but we go about our business taking certain precautions to minimize risk but knowing we can never abolish risk. In relationships one never knows because nobody really knows what the other person is thinking and feeling. The only thing you can do is enjoy what you have now but don't run away with your thoughts thinking "this is it, we will be together forever".

[LaKings55]

Yep, no true way of telling, but actions do speak far louder than words. Do not take someone at their words, because words are cheap. Too often I see girls falling for guys who are quick to tell them they "love" the girl, but then disappear never to be seen again. So, don't be afraid to be a tad scrutinizing. I see no reason to just settle and ignore someone's faults, especially if they don't accept your own. I'm not saying this applies to your situation, so far things sound pretty good, but you just have to wait and see, and avoid going "all-in" so to speak. Avoid wearing your heart on your sleeve, avoid going too far too fast, and you'll likely see someone's true intentions and avoid a lot of pain and confusion.

[Ms Darcy]

If just reading about this type of thing stresses you out, don't read the romance posts. Read another topic. You are borrowing trouble. It's like seeing a medical student who "gets" all the diseases they learn about. Chill....

 

Angel

 

You are borrowing trouble. Well said Angel.

[tec2011]

I've had this happen to me twice already this year...(and maybe for a third time, still don't know yet). The blindsided breakup. Everything going great, we are having a really wonderful time together, no red flags or bad signs, everything, and I mean everything is absolutely great....then BLAM!. Never saw it coming. One of them nearly put me in an early grave. The emotional fallout from it put me that close to ending it.

 

Great women they were too. We really got along well. Funny thing was it was they that made it serious not me. Taking me to meet the "family", the co-workers, posting about us on facebook, taking me to their favorite getaways in the mountains, ocean beach house, a weekend of complete sin in Vegas.

 

In each case they seem to go through some euphoric in-love state at the beginning only to have the entire thing crash down to earth after 2-3 months. I some way was simply a passenger along for the ride and was trusting and dumb enough to strap myself in as tight as I could believing the next stop was going to be "us" (for lack of a better word). It's been one unbelieveable 2011 dealing with the scary roller-coaster ride these women put me through. With each successive one though I've become more wary, more reserve. Still I hope to find that long term relationship I'm looking for so I trust that maybe this time, it won't happen like the last time. At least with this last one I haven't been told it's over just that a break is needed until after the holidays. But here I am again. I trusted, I believe, perhaps to no avail.

 

All these relationships I thought were going to last long term. That's why I invested so much emotional capital in them. I honestly cared about them too. Maybe it was because all three women had trust issues of their own, having been through ugly divorces. Bottom line is you can never tell. I've been a sucker for love three times this year alone.

 

When or if it happens to you, all you can do is move on. The next relationship might be an upgrade from the last one. All mine were. Made it much easier to bear.

[LaKings55]

Man, sorry to hear that Tec, that really sounds rough. Is it me, or has 2011 just been a terrible year. Everyone I know has had a terrible year in someway, and random people I meet have similar stories. Of course, lots of people on this forum have sad stories, but that's just the nature of the site. Must be something in the air though, the whole world just feels down in the dumps, especially this year.

[Glowguy]

I've pulled the disappearing act several times this year. I'm not proud of it but it's happened when I'm not really getting strong feelings of attraction for the girl. I usually give it three or four dates to see if something will build. If it doesn't and I'm not sensing much effort on her part then I bail without any explanations. I guess I just feel that things have not progressed far enough to warrant any explanation and I do not really owe them one. It's happened the other way around too so I think it's just part of the dating process.

 

If I was really into a girl and had been intimate with her than there is no way I would pull a disappearing act. Some guys will though. FWIW I would give an explanation if the girl asked what was going on. Sometimes it's just bad timing I think. Life gets in the way and someone just falls by the wayside. For example - I was dating a girl for several months and I liked her enough to continue but I went on a three week trip to Europe and we fell out of communication. Neither of us has talked since.

[OrangeMoon]

Hindsight ..I know..but never trust the ones that want to go too fast. Even with myself..when I want to go too fast its because i want to fill a void.

especially the whole meeting the family thing within 2 months..seriously..

 

But I am sorry for your hurting.

 

As for the OP-- There are no signs that it will work. But you usually can tell when it won't. The whole lovegame is one with many dangers, but the endprize for many is oh so worth it. So you just gotta roll with the punches I guess and keep your eyes open.

[EmmaB78]

Oh man, what a terrible year! I'm sorry! : ( That is exactly what I'm afraid of. I think part of it might be my own personality - I usually know if I'm going to stick with someone fairly quickly after meeting them, and if I wasn't REALLY into someone, if I didn't feel like I could fall in love with him, it would never even make it to the 1-2 month mark unless I had been clear to him from the beginning that it was just casual for me. If I was thinking that I wanted a relationship with someone and behaving/talking in that way and was still feeling it after a month, I simply wouldn't wake up one day and change my mind. It is terrifying to me that other people can/will go along with someone that long, slowly building something and then boom - they're over it with no warning.

[LaKings55]

I simply wouldn't wake up one day and change my mind. It is terrifying to me that other people can/will go along with someone that long, slowly building something and then boom - they're over it with no warning.

 

 

Sad, but that behavior is all too common, particularly in young adults. It's almost as if a lot of people forget that the people they interact with are real human beings with their own thoughts, emotions and hopes. I've reached the conclusion that my generation largely seems to go about acting as if people are characters in a video game, easily tossed aside without a second thought. Of course, this has been happening since dating replaced classical courtship, but it has become incredibly prevalent in modern society.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, it is the way people CHOOSE to treat someone else. The dating process can just as easily be courteous..where after 3-4 dates an explanation is given so that the other person doesn't have to sit and wonder what in the world is going on. However, as in a lot of things today, people no longer have social graces and they think the disappearing act is perfectly fine because they don't see the other person's pain. Out of sight, out of mind...disappearing with

no explanation is simply the way people CHOOSE to avoid having to see the person they are letting down.

[Stay_home]

There's only one way to find out. You never can tell.

[Lucy3]

No, it is the way people CHOOSE to treat someone else. The dating process can just as easily be courteous..where after 3-4 dates an explanation is given so that the other person doesn't have to sit and wonder what in the world is going on. However, as in a lot of things today, people no longer have social graces and they think the disappearing act is perfectly fine because they don't see the other person's pain. Out of sight, out of mind...disappearing with

no explanation is simply the way people CHOOSE to avoid having to see the person they are letting down.

 

I agree completely. People that don't give an explanation are cowards!!! At a stage of 3-4 dates All it takes is a simple text to say "Had a great time with you but I'm sorry I don't really see it going anywhere" Then at least that person can get on with their day instead of constantly wondering what is going on!! People have no social graces anymore!!!

[rapunzel]

I think one should approach dating with no expectations, if at all possible. If you have gotten to know the person over a period of several weeks or months through friends, work or a shared interest and an attraction has been building, then the chances of it lasting when you start dating are probably better. The number one thing that turns people off, in my opinion, is pressure. No one likes to be pressured. So if one person's expectations leap ahead of the other person, and that person starts to feel pressure, that is when things can go downhill. If you are dating someone and feeling anxious of "where is this going" "is he going to dump me", it's important to just sit with those feelings and examine them, and realize they are just things you make up in your head. Detach yourself from the situation and observe it with a more logical point of view. If you find yourself leaping ahead while dating someone and getting anxious, pull yourself back and if necessary, don't see the person so much. Create space but do it kindly, with no expectations, and for the sake of self-preservation. If the person cares about you enough, they will be there and will be happy to wait a bit longer for you.

 

For women, I feel it is very important to not jump into intimacy and really try to savor a long period of courtship. Once you have sex, the game really changes and there is no going back. And sex can often mean something very different for the parties involved. Women generally hold the keys to when a relationship becomes intimate and it's difficult to keep one's natural urges under control but unfortunately, it is up to women to control the pace of the relationship (and this is a general statement, of course there are exceptions). Many women learn this lesson the hard way.

 

From what I've learned at my age of 50, people value what they cannot attain easily. If you are too easy or available as a woman or show your cards too soon, your value plummets. It's just the way it is and women should remember this when they are dating men. Again, a general statement perhaps, it does not pertain to all situations and is just my opinion based on my experience.

 

Just have fun, keep it light, keep your expectations at bay and remember that you were fine before you met the person and you will be fine if it doesn't work out.