My world is falling apart, and I can't seem to fix it.

[MrsHughes]

My name is Mikiesha Lussier Hughes. I'm 18 years old and I feel like I'm dying inside. I need to talk to someone about this. I have been depressed a lot of my young life. My depression stems from my family, namely my parents. Married for 34 years (this past June 19th) they are divorcing. My parents marriage was more like a parent/child relationship. I.E. Mom wasn't allowed to do anything without my father's approval. I digress. My brothers and I (I have 3 brothers. One 2 1/2 years younger, another 4 years younger, and one 10 years older.) were abused physically by my father. We were "spanked". But it was usually over things that weren't important. Sometimes I have flash backs and can't control sobbing. I remember my brothers screaming for mercy (litterally) and getting none. I would do the same. I have a hatred for my father. As does one of my brothers. But I go on. I was recently married in January of this year to a wonderful man. He treats me well and loves me. Yet, I feel inside that if I do not please him, if I do not make him happy, he will not love me anymore. (I've told him this. He doesn't feel that way. I am viewing him like I view my father). I've picked up knives to cut myself, and even though I don't want to live anymore, I never had the courage to do it. I feel so stressed and burdened. I can't seem to get a job. Wherever I apply I don't get picked. (And I don't know why). I'm starting college in January of this year. Scared about that. Scared I'm not smart enough for it. (It's a junior college). I didn't finish high school. I was pulled out of public school at 7th grade to be "homeschooled" but that never panned out. I wasn't taught, and I have a hard time teaching myself. I think that's one of the reasons I'm not picked by jobs... I don't have my diploma. Everything I touch (to make an effort to have a happier life. I.E. Getting a job, changing my outlook on life, trying to have faith in Jesus, and so on) seems to fall apart. I fear nothing will change for me. I have terribly low self esteem. I am told I'm beautiful by people and get checked out by many guys, but when I see me, I see sin. I see what I've done wrong, not what I've done right. I see a failure. Marriages in my family are falling apart. My brother and his wife of 7 years are divorcing. She doesn't love him anymore. And told him this past weekend she told him that she had someone else. (It hurts so bad. I just want her to love him.) They have 2 children together. Kaleb, 7; and Jose`, 3. They are already feeling the affects of selfishnesss brought on by their mom.

I'll stop now.

If anyone has felt the same, please post a reply.

Kiesha Hughes

[JonnyG]

Im sorry to hear about all this.

 

A few of these things are in the past now and you've come out of them and are still here, so well done there.

 

About your brother, that is also sad. Its unfortunate in this day and age that 50% or so of marriages end in divorce, and with the way the trend is going this will rise. It isnt uncommon anymore.

 

I don't understand though why u feel like killing yourself when u have a man in your life who u love and who loves u. That is the key for me i feel. Im so down these days, im so lonely (i cant emphasis that enough), so poor, so tired of feeling useless. Im trying to get a job but i can see myself struggling to get one. I worry about a full time job, worry that i wont be able to cope withit, wont be good enough/clever enough for it. I feel im dieing inside, miss my ex so much even though she didnt treat me well (she lied a lot) but I wouldnt go back to her after all this (well hope i wouldnt), but i am so dam lonely, it really is eating me up inside.

 

If i can find another girl who i like (love?) as much as i liked my ex if not more, and i know she feels the same, that would mean everything to me.

[if only]

I'm so sorry you have experienced so many bad times in your life but things can only get better.

 

You have a loving husband who wants to be with you, you obviously trust him enough to talk about your issues and that is great, I think that is a big step to helping yourself. I think maybe you should seek medical help from a doctor/counsellor I know it can be hard but trust me it will help.

 

I became very depressed at the beginning of this year I cried all the time (PMT does not help) felt I was useless and even felt life was not worth going on, then something clicked...I started thinking about all the bad things in the world for example September the 11th, the poor children of Russia etc. When I looked at my life and how many great things I had (make a list I bet you are surprised) I felt bad for feeling depressed. I have now tried using the time I would have spent on being depressed to do good things for people.

 

I give blood, I donate money to charities, I have organised several charity days at work and even just smiling and talking to someone who looks sad, can be a great way of helping others. I believe what goes around comes around and I am truly happier being a better person.

 

My friend sent this e-mail it still makes me smile I hope you do too...

 

You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

 

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

 

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

 

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

 

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

 

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

 

6. You mean the world to someone.

 

7. You are special and unique.

 

8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

 

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

 

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.

 

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the

rude remarks.

[cassiana]

I'm sorry to hear that you are so upset. Firstly most people have bad times. Also most people have a low opinion of themselves. These feelings are common. You may see people looking well-adjusted going down the street but they are not. It just doesn't show in public.

What exactly is falling apart?

Firstly your parents divorce. This could be a good thing for your mother and it means you can visit her while not having to deal with your father. You fear the change, but from what I can tell its a change for the better.

Secondly your brother is divorcing but that is his affair. it doesn't impact directly on you. As you get older you will realise the importance of not worrying about things you cannot control.

Your priority should be to make a go of your own marriage. You are a bit young in my opinion but I have often heard of long happy marriages starting off at an early age. My fear here is that you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. By fearing a marriage by like your parents and not accepting that yours is different, you may ultimately damage your marriage.This is what you must deal with now. Try counselling. I think it could help.

People get release from self-harm. Don't fall in that trap. Try healthier ways of releasing your frustration, excercise or so,etimes I go for a drive and scream in my car. It gets it out.

also remember your hormones. I had a diary when I was 18 and I just wrote that I wanted to die. It is a fraught time of life, but it ends. I know my hormones still affect me every month. If I know that's the reason. I relax and get my perspective back.

I hope thats some help.

[Empathy]

I can't say that I understand how you feel as far as the divorce is concerned. My parents are still together (even though I feel they shouldn't be.) But I can definitely relate to you as far as the "spanking" is concerned. I remember begging for mercy many a time and never getting it. Everytime my father picked up a belt I became terrified. Sometimes he left bruises on me that I had to hide from my shrink so they wouldn't take me away. I used to be very suicidal, I still am sometimes. But my views on suicide completely changed when my brother comitted suicide. I was 12 and he was 24. I know that its hard to breathe sometimes. I know that the world seems too messed up to inhabit at times but please remember the ones who do care about you. Imagine what it would do to them. I know what it did to me. I felt as if he didn't care enough about me or my family to live for us. Suicide is a very selfish act. You're only thinking of yourself at the moment. The moment you pull the tigger, pop those pills, slit your wrists, whatever you may do, do you know what you're saying to the world and your loved ones? "I don't care about you." And that may not be at all what you intend to say. But that's what they'll hear. Everyone at this site cares about you. That's why we take the time to give you our advice. If you ever need anyone to talk to pm me and I'll give you my screen name and email address. Please take care of yourself.

[thisisnotanexit]

hi. i can somewhat understand where you're coming. i am afraid my parents are splitting up after many years together and i believe they years they had together weren't what i thought they were when i was young and naive. anyway, it hurts. i am scarred by a lot of family situations. sometimes i dont know what to do. but, in the end, things work out. if you just keep believing in yourself and in life, somehow things just work out. dont get me wrong, things are hard, and they always will be, but things can get good too. just believe in who you are and know that you hav ea loving husband and brothers who love you. be strong, and if you ever wanna talk, please msg me. take care

[BBBbabygirl29]

I Felt the same way last year my parents divorcened and my mom got a new boyfriend and they live together my dad is living with his girlfriend nad i moved out of my dads house bcuz he hit my mom and said he was gogin to kill me and kidnap me he drasnk a lot all the time and he tried to kill him self with his gun and we called the cops and he was in jail for 2 days but the night we moved out we had to call the cops on him bcuz of what he was dodin hitting my mom and tried to hit me adn kill me but while i was livivng ther emy mom went out and i sat up in my room and cut myself for months and then we moved out and i felt that no one card about me so i locked myself in my room and cut i had a reson for all the cuts i had i lied to my mom for 6 months then i od on med but that didn't kill me but one night i couldn't take it anymore i put a knife to my chest but i couldn't go through with it in my mom was wondering way i havn't been doing so well in school and all the cutes i had and not talking and not eating Dec of 2003 i finally told my grandma and she took me to the hospitail i was in there for a month still cutting in ther and everyhting i got out and got to see my dad once adn he didn't like what i have done to myself he is allowed to see me once a week in counseling for a houre but he doesn't see me though so anyways my mom when i got out she was sad that she didin't see it and didn't do anything to help me i got and meds and today i feel like me again and there is nothing that can go wrong i'm doing great in school and i have a lot of friends and i have a great boyfriend who is there for me and loves me

 

i'm sorry for all the things you are goign through but it helkps to talk to someone and know that death would help you may think it is but its not you have stilll your who life ahead of you and think is ther anyone in your like who you mean the world to and if you kill yourself want would they do with out you so just talk to someone and remember ther are people who care about you and lvoe you and are going through something simliar

to what you are goign through

 

and you guys who reads this is probably thinking wow she is only 14 but i been through a lot more then i could handle

[djgreen_uk]

You will be surprised how many people are around you or missing you when you try and near death, it proves you are not alone. Thats what stopped me.