Guess this might be slightly inappropriate

[sada88]

Hello, I guess it has been awhile since I actually post a new thread on this forum. Reading this forum and dispensing advice for the last 10 months have been therapeutic to the break up of my last ex. If it is possible for you guys to read this and help give advice, it would be appreciated.

 

Long story short, my ex and I broke 10 months ago. I've sufficiently recovered to the point where I don't care whether or not if we get back together, not that I want to since he is the same person, so I was able to be friends with him. I'm not exactly eager to jump back into a relationship while he is the same person. He is still dating the woman that he left me for. I unblocked him on AIM and let him contact me whenever he wants which is pretty much everyday and constantly IM-ing and texting me. We are still able to joke around but at the same time, there is still a lot of hurt feelings from the both of us so we try not to talk about the past.

 

What really confuses me is that he still keeps on blathering on about how much I hurt him but how much he still loves me. He got really upset when I was joking around with my friends when I said that my hamster loved me more than any of my exes ever did. And when I do show up (we share mutual friends), his face lights up like it is bloody Christmas arrived. It seems like he still has a lot of strong feelings for me. >

[WindowTo]

He cheated on you and now he is claiming that you hurt him because you moved on in 10 months? I think that is ridiculous. Have you sat him down and told him seriously that it is unattractive and awkward that he keeps calling you pet names when you are not interested in him any more. If he doesn't stop then he has no respect for what you want out of the "friendship" and you should just stop talking to him or some other consequence.

[mhowe]

He is not wanting to take responsibility for his actions (cheating) which led to the break up, so he is rewriting history. And using your pet name from when you were in a relationship is just plain rude. Why are you remaining friends with him? Because he has treated you with such respect? It is time to remove him from your life.....you wouldn't let anyone besides an ex treat you like that.

[Raaawr]

He cheated on you. Utter disrespect.

He is calling you pet names when you have requested him not to. More disrespect.

He fails to acknowledge his role in the end of the relationship and is trying to pile on the guilt. Naivety and more disrespect.

Finally, he crosses every boundary you put up. More disrespect.

 

Why are you talking to this guy again?

[april15]

Tell him that if he continues to call you by the pet name you will publicly start calling him your pet name for him, Cheater! I would limit talk with him, scale back the IM. Time and energy you are giving him is time and energy you cannot give to others. If he cannot respect your boundaries he has lost the privilege of access to you. I am sure it feels great when he is thrilled to see you but is it really worth the disrespect he brings to the table?

[abitbroken]

Block him on AIM, and stop accepting calls. And don't hang out with him. Also, invite a couple friends over to your place or to an event rather than just randomly going over and hanging with the "group" where he will be. That way you can control the guest list.

[sada88]

I've already tried telling him that it is inappropriate for him to do so and it is disrespectful to his current girlfriend that he is still saying those things to me and referring to me with my old nickname. I already tried being rude to him whenever he does call me by his old nickname or mention what we used to do in the past sexually. My boyfriend is fine with me being friends with my ex since my boyfriend knows that I won't ever date a cheater again.

 

He told me that the reason why he cheated on me was b/c I kept on playing games with him by threatening to break up with him whenever I found him flirting and behaving inappropriately with other women (he had a lot of emotional affairs with other women when we had a fight including with my best friend) and when he kept on taking me for granted.

 

I'm still friends with him because I still miss him a lot even though I've moved on. He was my best friend even though he never treated me right or properly while we were dating.

[mhowe]

He treats you inappropriately while you were dating and even to this day, and you remain friends. Hard to fathom.

[Raaawr]

He isnt treating you right in friendship either! You can do better than this!

[sada88]

>

 

It sort of doesn't help that our mutual friends would like us talking and hanging out together again. Granted, most of his idiot friends and that woman he cheated on me with are putting more thoughts in his head that I am playing games with him and that is all I ever did when we were dating and that I've never treated him right. Our mutual friends don't believe a word of it, of course since they saw firsthand how badly he treated me. And I don't like people thinking badly of me. >

[mhowe]

You need to stop worrying about pleasing other people and stand up for yourself. His behaviour is inappropriate and rude. Who cares what he thinks --- he cheated on you. Who cares if your "friends", and I use the term loosely, want you to hang out together. He is the one at fault. Cut him out of your life.

[Liraele]

Question: WHY do you miss him?

 

Do you miss who he was before you knew he was a cheater? That person doesn't exist anymore.

 

Or do you legitimately miss him as a person, character flaws and all (and honey, it looks like he has them in spades)?

 

Maybe you should sit down and ask yourself if you really miss HIM, now. The one that is disrespectful, rude, and constantly crossing your boundaries. He is the person he's showing you - and that person isn't someone that is a healthy relationship for you, by your own accounts - either as a friend or a love. I wouldn't miss that. Do you, really?

[sada88]

@mhowe: Thank you. I should stop listening to our mutual friends. They think that since we've both moved on, it should be fine for both of us to be friends. They also think that I'm the only one that got him to changed into a slightly better person while he seems to be immersing more into his bad side without me.

 

@Liraele: The thing is, his personality is still the same. It has not changed one iota at all. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one that brought out his worse side and all of his insecurities hence why we had all of those problems. It seems like he doesn't have any of those issues with his girlfriend (she is the one whom he cheated on me with). And I start thinking how unfair that is. I missed who he was before he was a cheater. The issue was that he had so many emotional affairs that after awhile, I got used to forgiving him. But at the same time, I do miss the good times we shared. All of our jokes and video game playing together. I remind myself all the time of all the pain he put me through but at the same time, my other side knows I also hurt him a lot too whenever I threatened to end it. And it does seem to me that he always cared more about us than I ever did...but then I think about all of the insults and feelings of inferiority that he inflicted and I start confusing myself.

[mhowe]

There is nothing to be confused about. You got "used" to forgiving him for treating you with disrespect? You hurt him by threatening to stand up for yourself and walk out on his rude behavior? Come on --- see him for what he is. He hasn't changed, and when the newness wears off, he will cheat on the new gf.

[sada88]

Somehow I doubt this. >

[mhowe]

Why do you care? He is who he is -- and you're not with him anymore.

[Nearbot]

Well, he's flirting with you, and it sounds like he's trying to start an emotional affair. I'd say his new girlfriend is getting the same terrible treatment you did.

[Liraele]

Nearbot is right - it sounds like he is doing the same thing to his new girlfriend... just this time YOU are the emotional affair. Who says their aren't others? You have less access to the ways that you could determine that beyond a shadow of a doubt... and honestly, you don't need to. He's already shown you who he is. This person, this hurtful, spiteful, MEAN person - is part of his personality.

 

He didn't treat you well. He cheated. Your needs were not being met. He continues to overstep the boundaries that you place, and you ALLOW it. YOU. It's up to you to put a stop to it. He'll continue walking all over you - your emotions, your heart, your lines drawn into the sand - until you put a stop to it. Y.O.U.

[Mephisto13]

I will never understand...it's like some people like being treated like crap. If you're going to keep taking it, stop asking what you can do to avoid it.

 

Pity parties p*ss me off.

[abitbroken]

@mhowe: Thank you. I should stop listening to our mutual friends. They think that since we've both moved on, it should be fine for both of us to be friends. They also think that I'm the only one that got him to changed into a slightly better person while he seems to be immersing more into his bad side without me.

 

No, it doesn't have to be fine to be his friend. You don't have to be friends at all. You don't have to socialize with him, talk to him or anything like that. You don't have to be arch enemies, but he is not worthy of your friendship. His relationship to you is "ex boyfriend". If your friends are pressuring you, trying to match make you back together, you either don't need those friends (find some new ones), or or just hang out with them on your terms. Go shopping with one or two of them. Invite some over for a dinner party. Have a girls night somewhere where the "crowd" doesn't hang out. Do something different. Join a meetup group. Anything but hanging out like you used to.

 

You won't heal if you don't move forward. And this will definitely cheat out future boyfriends of having both your heart and mind fully in a relationship with them.

[april15]

How old are each of you?

[Mephisto13]

link removed

 

Check it out. Might help.

[sada88]

link removed

 

Check it out. Might help.

 

@ Mephisto: lolz, How did you know me and him are Geeks? Actually, I'm not trying to throw myself a pityfest. More like, wondering why the hell is he doing it. I already laid down the law with him though. Told him this is his last chance and if he makes one more innuendo, I will kick him out of my life for good.

 

@April: I'm 23 and he is 24.

[Mephisto13]

He keeps bringing this up because he's hurt and hasn't healed yet. He needs to separate himself from you for a while to get over you. Just make it clear to him that you aren't getting back together with him and he has to deal. Even if he is dating someone else, that doesn't mean anything. He still wants you and as long as he doesn't recover from this, he'll always be extra sensitive to your comments and be stung by them.

 

It's unfortunate no one is pointing this out to him...he's gonna hurt for a while if he doesn't distance himself from you. I just hope he doesn't become one of those "I'll wait for you forever" type people. Those clingers aren't fun to have around. They easily turn into stalkers.

 

I didn't know you guys were geeks, I just thought the subject matter would apply.

[sada88]

I'm sorry but I don't see how he is hurt. He continuously disrespected me with all of his emotional affairs. He continuously told me that we were never going to survive to the point I thought he wanted it to end so I tried telling him multiple times if he wants us to end, I'll end it for the both of us. He used to yell at me whenever I treat him well. I wasn't the one to end it. He chose that option rather than flat out telling me he wanted to be with me so he was going to settle for her. That is what I don't get. I moved on because he made it easy for me to move on after months of ill-treatment and his continuous cheating.