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Hi Everyone,


I broke up with my ex back in may. We were together 4 years. I had some contact with her the first 2 months but the last time we spoke in July she was very cold and have been NC ever since. I did make the mistake of sending her a gift for her bday in September (a cake of the dog I gave her) and received no response as I had assumed. The past 7 months I have done a lot of self reflection and growth. I've been working on bettering myself and going regularly to my therapist. With time things have got better and I don't find myself thinking about her as often but there are days that are harder than others. Is it over? Do I make one last effort? Wait for more time to pass? Please let me know any thoughts or advice you may have. Thanks.


below is my original thread back in July


Messed up with ex-gf looking to get her back if possible...

I am new here so I'm learning a lot by reading past threads. So here's my situation I was with my ex for a total of 4 years (were both 25) and broke up with her about 2 months ago. For 2 years we were dating (we lived on opposite coasts) and then she moved out to LA to be with me and we were official as bf/gf for 2 years. For the most part as bf/gf everything was good we had our ups and downs like every other couple, but work things out...back in November we broke up and were split up for 3 weeks and got back together and things were good again. This didn't really feel like a break up because we got together again so quick so there wasn't much time to reflect and change what was needed. Around late March things started to go south again. She went back to school and was working full time and was stressed out. We started arguing a lot more and never really communicated our problems. I was busy as hell with work and depressed with an injury in my neck that kept me out of the gym and that I'm still trying to recover from. I never really told her how much this injury was affecting me. I wasn't being a good bf and she wasn't being a good gf. I was becoming distant and we were spending less and less time apart. To be honest in those past few months I had lost myself and one day I got drunk and called her and just broke up. I called her the next day to say i didn't mean it but it was too late...she end up telling me that she was relieved that I initiated the break up because she wasnt happy anymore...anyways long story short I ****ed up and treated her bad no idea why....I spoke to her once in person about 2.5 weeks after the break up and it was just as friends and I think things went really well. We have spoken a handful of times since the break up and most recently this afternoon. I called her today because last saturday we spoke and she was very nostalgic and saying how she loved and missed me so much. When I spoke to her today things were going well, but she is still very hurt and upset about the break up. She said shes gone "numb" and didn't know what to feel. I asked her if she still loved me and she replied that as a person she loved me, but that she no longer loved me romantic wise. It hurt to hear her say this, but I accepted it. I asked her if she thought she was doing the right thing and she responded that she did not know.


To be honest this is one of the worst things I have had to deal with it has torn me down every which way, but I am thankful it happen because it made me realize there is things I need to change about myself. I am changing to better myself and its not for her, but for my own well being.

I'm going out meeting new girls and have got with a couple. I partied hard in college and had plenty of girls so that is not a problem, but there was always something about this one that attracted me to her since day one. I am afraid she might be the one that got away. I know I made a terrible mistake and I have apologized and made it clear to her, but don't know what to do besides going full NC for the next couple months. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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Make one last effort only and only if you are healed but from the way things look you still have too much emotion invested. You're making good progress healing keep at it, however if you don't want to regret anything give it a shot but understand you could get badly hurt. Goodluck man

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If you feel really inclined to and think that you've healed enough, then try contacting her.

If she responds positively, suggest a meeting just to talk. See how that goes, and progress appropriately.

If it goes well, meet more often, see what happens. If it doesn't go well, then part ways amicably and keep living your life.

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Prepare yourself mentally for whatever the outcome may be. You sent her a birthday gift and got no response and more heartbreak. 7 months is a lot time but doesn't sound like you have healed from this relationship. The fact that you are going to therapy shows that you are trying to move on.


If you engage her in conversation and it's less than amicable, I would say it's over for good. Time to move on and find someone who wants you for the person you are. If you are still emotional it's going to take some time. Everyone heals in different ways and take different amounts of time. There is no hard and fast rule. But you will have the satisfaction of knowing whether you have a chance to get back together or close the book on this chapter of your life.

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I don't know. If you sent her something as thoughtful as a custom cake for her birthday and she couldn't even muster a simple thank you, then my feeling is that this boat has sailed. You are still feeling fragile about the breakup. I think you'll be better off if you resist the temptation to contact her. Just being honest. Sometimes putting ourselves out there one last time only to have the door shut in our faces is just hard to bear.

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I don't know why anyone would tell you to keep trying any time soon. (Maybe again in a year). You want to try because your feelings of attraction are still there. Hers aren't. After seven months, she's made it clear that she does not have romantic feelings for you. Nostalgia is not enough reason to hope. I don't think you need to keep putting yourself out there for rejection.


I have to say, though, that you might need to actually do some more reflecting. You say you have reflected but "had normal relationship conflics" and you don't know why you treated her bad. I would re-examine those conflicts specifically. What were things she complained about. And really get to the bottom of why you treated her badly. If it was due to a neck injury, who is to say you won't do it again if you get hurt?


But don't do it in service of getting her back.

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