he really let me down and I just want to cry

[yellowjello]

My boyfriend never surprises me with flowers or chocolate or anything. Even on our anniversaries. On our last one I told him it would be nice if he gave me something or did something nice for me. He said "don't worry baby I'll do something real nice for you". On the day, he didn't do anything. He said he was going to get me chocolate but felt that it was really cheesy and decided not to.

 

The other day he did something that I got mad at him for. He was really sorry and said he will make it up to me. I asked how. He said he will get me something real nice. Since he never does this I accepted thinking I'll finally get what I've always been waiting for (him to do something sweet for me).

 

The next day I reminded him (I hate doing this but I had to because he always forgets everything and I knew if I didnt remind him he would have forgotten). I playfully asked him if he's still gonna surprise me and he said yes. I arrived and he picked me up from the station. I thought he would have picked up flowers or something on the way. Well he didn't. He said he didn't get anything yet.

 

Later we went to the mall. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for him to get me something. I told him I hate reminding him so I'm not going to anymore but to remember to make it up to me by the end of the day. He said "you don't have to remind me of course id remember". When we got there he said I can pick out something and he will buy it for me. I said I don't want anything. I don't want an actual item. It's the thought that counted and the whole point of this was for him to get me something thoughtful as a nice gesture, not just pay for me. We split up for half an hour since we both had some stuff to do at different stores. I really really thought that he was gonna go pick up chocolates or something during this time. Well he didn't (he was just sitting around doing nothing) and it was time for me to go home and we left.

 

On the way back I was really disappointed. I teared up because I felt so stupid for expecting anything at all. I felt like he didnt even try. I felt like everything I told him about how much I wanted something today just went over his head and he didn't take me seriously as if it didnt matter.

 

He said that he wanted to get me something nice and he didn't have enough time to figure out what to get. He said I can't expect him to surprise me out of the blue. He said he considered getting me those sunglasses I wanted. He said he wanted to get me something I'd really like, but didn't know what to get. I told him he could have just gotten me chocolates. He said he didn't know if I liked chocolates because "it depends on if you're in the mood for chocolate". What the hell? If someone wants to get flowers and chocolate for their girlfriend they just get it as a nice gesture, it doesn't matter whether the girl likes that particular thing, the whole point is the gesture not the item!

 

By the way he was talking (how he considered getting me sunglasses?) it seems like he was thinking more in terms of getting me an expensive gift. He missed the whole point. I didn't want a GIFT it wasn't about that, it was just supposed to be a nice gesture. If it were an actual GIFT, then it makes sense for him to take a while to figure out the perfect gift so he can get something really nice. But this was not about that, it was not about getting something 'nice' I don't care about getting something nice or getting a gift. The whole point of this was to just do a nice gesture. And the whole point of a nice gesture is NOT the actual item, its the THOUGHT, and the whole point is to do it when it's needed.

 

Plus, he knew he had to get me something by the end of the day.. if he couldn't think of anything "nice" to get me, and it was almost time to go home, any normal person would have been like "damn I still can't think of anything and I'm running out of time, I'll just get whatever I can get then" and just end up getting chocolate since it's right there. But he didn't think that way because he probably didn't even take it seriously that he had to get it by the end of the day =\ It just didn't matter to him, it wasn't important.

 

I just feel so bad because I really am not asking for much. All I wanted was for him to get me some flowers or chocolate. Is that so much to ask?? I really don't get it. It literally takes FIVE minutes to pick some up. It takes ZERO effort. Why couldn't he do that much for me, especially since he knew how much it meant to me.

 

I don't want to sound like some girl who is expecting gifts or anything. I didn't even want anything nice. I wouldn't have cared if he got me the ugliest flower ever. I wouldn't have even cared if he picked it up off the street. I just wanted him to do something nice for me thats all. Especially since he did something that made me upset the day before ... it was the least he could do to say sorry. Besides, HE is the one who said he would do it, it wasn't my idea. It sucks that he never lives up to what he says he will do. Can't he just stay true to what he says just once, especially since it was something SO easy to do .. and something that meant a lot.. he's just all talk. He says he is going to do something and gets me excited, and then never does it and lets me down.

[abitbroken]

I am dating a kind, considerate, fun and intelligent man who I feel lucky to have found. He has never surprised me with flowers or candy "just because." But he is ALWAYS doing nice things for me constantly. For some guys, their way of showing their love is to spend time with you, or to do nice things for you (change the oil in your car, run an errand, put up a picture for you), physically touch you in an affectionate but non-sexual way, or sex. (Read the five love languages). Spontaneously buying a woman a gift just isn't in their DNA. If you are demanding this, then you are probably missing out on all of the good qualities and the kind things he actually does for you or the affection he shows. And it isn't spontaneous if you are demanding it! or complaining about it!

 

BTW, you are trying to twist this into a "he doesn't stay true to what he says" - and that is a dangerous road to go down over a box of chocolates.

 

If someone apologizes to you or owes you an apology for something other than this, a simply "I'm sorry" more than suffices. It does not warrant presents.

[yellowjello]

I agree with what you said about other ways of showing their love. I do appreciate those things. But every now and then it would be nice for him to get me flowers or something, at least on special days like our anniversary? But the reason I wrote this particular post was because he specifically said he was going to. So I wasn't really expecting random flowers just because .... I only expected it because he said he would. I said the whole not staying true to what he says thing only because he is the one that said he wanted to get me something. If he said he was going to...how can he just not do it? If you really mean it when you say you'll do something...you'd try to do it ..

 

And also with the whole sorry thing, I thought guys do get girls flowers sometimes when they say sorry? Besides, I never expected it originally, he is the one that said he would..that's the only reason I expected it..

[Stay_home]

It sounds like all you really care about is getting a gift.

[yellowjello]

It sounds like all you really care about is getting a gift.

 

It wasn't really about the gift honestly. Like I said I didn't want him to get me something nice, I really didn't want anything. It was more the gesture .. the thought

 

If all I wanted was a gift I would have been fine with the idea of him waiting two weeks and getting me something super nice. But that's not what I cared about ..

[DN]

What do you get for him for anniversaries or for a special surprise? What do you buy for him to show you are sorry?

[abitbroken]

He said he would because you were pressing him about it. He said he'd do something special, but maybe that special wasn't about flowers and maybe what he was trying to do didn't work out. And maybe it wasn't going to be exactly when you expected it.

 

men give women flowers to say they are sorry on tv and in movies. Though i do know men who have done it when they have something HUGE to be sorry about - like cheating, wrecking her car, etc. - but for the most part, the guys i dated never really did

[Stay_home]

I have done things like flowers and poetry in the past for ex girlfriends, but to be honest (stereotype) most young women just don't appreciate those kind of gestures. See, you start doing things like that and you become the nice guy. The sweetest guy in the world who would never do anything to me and that I should like him, but I just don't and I don't know why. Yeah, all that. So I stopped doing that stuff in hopes that as I got a little older someone who was more mature would appreciate those things. And it was from the heart, not to say that I'm sorry for cheating or doing something I had no business doing.

[Lithp]

I have to say that I have also never gotten a gift from a boyfriend as a way of apologizing, and to be honest, I think if I did I would be a little offended or put off by it. To me it's like saying "Here, I did this thing that upset you but maybe if I buy you something shiny or pretty or yummy you will forget all about it". Or maybe that's just me, I don't know.

 

If he wants to get you something it should be because he wants to, not because you have to ask or demand or remind him that he should want to. I wouldn't make this into an issue - if he is sorry for what he did you will know it by his actions, he shouldn't be required to buy you something to make up for it.

[Leya]

My current guy gives me flowers and/or little (inexpensive but thoughtful gifts) on a regular basis! And if I had a rough day, he often will surprise me with flowers. Last week, he bought me an advent calendar from Lindt (my favorite chocolate). I love that he does that for me - it makes me feel loved...and I ALWAYS tell him what a great boyfriend he is. It's not about the gifts but the thought behind it. (And for the record, I do nice things for him for no reason as well - such as surprising him with lingerie or getting up early on a Sunday and making him waffles, etc). But he is just overall a thoughtful, caring boyfriend, so giving sweet gifts goes with that, I guess. So for me, the nice guy finishes FIRST. I truly don't understand the mindset that some girls have where the "nice guy" isn't date-worthy. I don't get it.

So, I agree with the OP that it isn't TOO much to ask for the occasional thoughtful gesture of some sort of gift. For him/her to put a teeny tiny bit of effort in order to cheer the other person up or just make them smile. And yes, on an anniversary, BOTH parties should do SOMETHING to show their appreciation, love. Something worth a bit of effort. For our first anniversary, my guy took me away to a luxury hotel for a weekend...and I spent hours upon hours making a scrap book about our first year together for him (which he loved). It's not about money spent, it's about the thought behind it...wanting to do something nice for the other person. And not taking each other for granted, taking the time to show appreciation.

[derroax]

On a scale from 1 to 10, how confident are you in his love for you?

 

Is this the first time in a relationship/friendship when you feel that you are not getting any "token of appreciation" when you should?

 

There are various types of men... women... and relationships.

 

Some men just don't give a damn, and/or lie to their woman and just tell them what they want to hear.

Some men need to be told exactly what you need and where they can get it... otherwise they will just feel confused and insecure about making a choice themselves (and if they do make it, unless they're gay, they will most likely make the worst choices)

Some men show their appreciation in different ways than what you expect.

Would a box of chocolates really affirm his love for you?

 

Would it validate to you that you are worthy to be loved and respected?

 

It sounds like a very emotional reaction to something that's really not a big thing, like you said as well. This leads me to think that this is not about the chocolates, but about something else....

 

It almost sounds like you are seeking validation for yourself by mirroring yourself in other people's behavior... if he buys me chocolates, it means he loves me, therefore I am worthy of love and appreciation.

 

If he doesn't do anything that I consider nice, then that means he doesn't love me enough, and that could mean I'm not good enough or worthy enough to be loved.

 

He may eventually get it for you, and you may be surprised that the box of whatevers doesn't have the effect you've expected and that you're still struggling with the same emotions. I would suggest changing the focus a bit on yourself, and don't distract yourself with what he does or doesn't do... Are you happy? How can YOU make Yourself happier first and foremost...?

[Liraele]

I can understand how you feel, though I agree with what others said - if he does little things to show his affection that don't include gifts - changing your oil, washing your car, cleaning, laundry, cooking breakfast/dinner, etc - there are a million ways that is a "guy" code for showing affection, then cut him a little bit of slack. Getting these things and being upset about not getting gifts makes it seem more about the gifts than anything. Though, anniversaries should be celebrated by both... but you may have to establish guidelines. Typically, as long as guidelines are presented reasonably, they have no problem with giving you what you want/need - it's when you demand things that they become a problem.

 

Sit him down and say, ok, here's the deal - on certain days of the year, say... anniversary (yearly, NOT monthly), birthday, and Christmas, you expect to EXCHANGE gifts on these days. That it is important to you that you show each other your affection in this way, and that it is important that he put some thought into it, but that if he needs suggestions/help/hints you can do that too.

 

Either he'll agree or he won't. Be willing to listen. You may not get the small random tokens of affection that you want from this guy. Some men just don't do it. You'll have to decide whether or not that's a deal breaker for you. If it's not, you're going to have to let it go. Hounding him and guilt-tripping him obviously are not going to work, and they will eventually cause a rift between the two of you.

[yellowjello]

I understand what you all are saying about the random gifts. But what about the times he says he will make something up to me, and doesn't follow through?

[metrogirl]

What do you get for him for anniversaries or for a special surprise? What do you buy for him to show you are sorry?

 

 

Excellent question.

[Lucy3]

When we got there he said I can pick out something and he will buy it for me. I said I don't want anything. I don't want an actual item.

 

Men have very simple minds- saying this to him probably made him think that you didnt want anything!!! Men don't look at the meaning behind things we say, they just take things as black and white.

[DN]

Men have very simple minds- saying this to him probably made him think that you didnt want anything!!! Men don't look at the meaning behind things we say, they just take things as black and white.

If this is true, then this is not men being simple but women not being straightforward and communicating properly.

 

For instance I notice that my question:

What do you get for him for anniversaries or for a special surprise? What do you buy for him to show you are sorry?

has been completely ignored.

[loveair]

I don't think anyone has slightly gotten what shes trying to say here . your pressuring her a little. she was promised a gift and that meant a gift or surpise of some sort as he didnt acknowledge what he was getting her!!!!! she was let down numerious times by him!!!! and she really got her hopes up too high as she thought he would finally give her something this type of thing creates stronger bonds between couples when some men forget it kinda ruins the relationship and this can and does happen!!!! people who you love dearly you would bend over backwards for if you really loved them she wanted just a tiny inkling he was making an effort to no avail!!!! its not about the gift its the gesture of love a symbol of compassion and empathy which she so dearly wants!!!!! the man is not making any effort you can see that in the failed attempts! i just wanted to say what i felt is very important here is the fact relationships go sour if theres no love and support there. this poor women is just reaching out for help! listen to her.

[HollyD]

You "reminded" him that he is supposed to do something nice for you? Wow! If you keep demanding he do something for you this relationship won't last. Just accept that he is not the romantic type. He may be simply refusing to do anything for you because you keep nagging him to.