Where are all the "good women" / "good men"?

[jsd43953]

Hey ENA,

 

Just a topic on my mind that I was hoping to get some clarification on.

 

Ladies tend to say that they want a good man but it always seem that the minute they find one they abuse him in some way, shape or form. I wonder why it is that females tend to hurt good men, but stick around and fight for the no good ones?

 

The same goes for men as well. We say we want a good woman and when we get her we dog her out or don't love her and do the things we would do for the woman who is no good?

 

 

Id like to know what people think the reasoning is behind this?

[Randomgirl123]

I dont know the reason but i will have to agree with you. We have a chronic condition in this society where we are always looking or something better. We are never satisfied with whats in front of us. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

I had a great man and i pushed him so far away. We get selfish and really our heads get stuck up our own ass i think.

[JLKLEE]

Hey ENA,

 

Just a topic on my mind that I was hoping to get some clarification on.

 

Ladies tend to say that they want a good man but it always seem that the minute they find one they abuse him in some way, shape or form. I wonder why it is that females tend to hurt good men, but stick around and fight for the no good ones?

 

The same goes for men as well. We say we want a good woman and when we get her we dog her out or don't love her and do the things we would do for the woman who is no good?

 

 

Id like to know what people think the reasoning is behind this?

 

I agree that this is the way things are but I don't know why. I know that I am a good girl, faithful, trustworthy, head on straight, nice, caring and I consider myself attractive. EVERY GUY I've been with has taken advantage of me and treated me very bad. It always felt like they wanted something better than me. Then when we break up, somewhere down the line, they tell me how they made such a huge mistake by letting me know. By that point, it is too late. Why can't people just appreciate the good things they have instead of always wanting more???

[DylanNotorious]

I guess there is a little bit more of an excitement with someone with an edge. I wouldn't describe them as "No good" but I wouldn't describe them as "nice" either.

 

I think when people say "this time I want a nice girl/guy" is because people get sick of the drama. But if your "too nice" then it can get boring. But some people really like "nice" but for me, I like my woman to be 50/50.

[jsd43953]

I dont know the reason but i will have to agree with you. We have a chronic condition in this society where we are always looking or something better. We are never satisfied with whats in front of us. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

I had a great man and i pushed him so far away. We get selfish and really our heads get stuck up our own ass i think.

 

Chanty,

 

Thanks for your response. I do feel like many of us get stuck in that grass is greener mind set. But lets take it a step further. What made you realize he was a great man? What did you do to push him away?

[jsd43953]

I agree that this is the way things are but I don't know why. I know that I am a good girl, faithful, trustworthy, head on straight, nice, caring and I consider myself attractive. EVERY GUY I've been with has taken advantage of me and treated me very bad. It always felt like they wanted something better than me. Then when we break up, somewhere down the line, they tell me how they made such a huge mistake by letting me know. By that point, it is too late. Why can't people just appreciate the good things they have instead of always wanting more???

 

JLKLEE,

 

First off let me say I am sorry that you have such a road of tears by guys who have taken advantage of you. I dont get it either. Monogomy, trust, caring, all of these things are supposed to be essential to the building and maintenence of a relationship, but I find that these are the same qualities most often abused. I also dont think it is about wanting more, I think a lot of times peoples "wants" are based on the idea or "right here right now" as opposed to long term future plans. I have always been the dumpee, and the funny things is I have always been 100% about my relationship (dotting my I's and crossing my t's) and each time I get hurt, at no fault of my own. Each time the female gave me the story of how they want a good man, someone to be all about them, etc. I am to the point now when I hear that I am kinda like B.S.

[jsd43953]

I guess there is a little bit more of an excitement with someone with an edge. I wouldn't describe them as "No good" but I wouldn't describe them as "nice" either.

 

I think when people say "this time I want a nice girl/guy" is because people get sick of the drama. But if your "too nice" then it can get boring. But some people really like "nice" but for me, I like my woman to be 50/50.

 

Dylan,

 

I feel you man.

 

But lets put this in perspective of what I am talking about. It is one thing to have an edge, but if she is not giving you the love you deserve, hangin out excessively, disregarding your feelings etc, this is the type of woman many of us dudes get "head over -heels for".

 

While the girl that showed us the same level of love, whi would rather spend time with us rather than her girls, and honored our feelings just as she would her own is the one we dog out or dont want.

 

As a man I know if you take inventory over the girls you have dated or been in a relationship with in your past I am sure you can cleary identify two girls that fit the bill for each category. Tell me I am not right?

[Randomgirl123]

I realized he was a great man when everything he did was to make me happy, and no matter what I did I wanted more because it felt good having someone trying so hard to please me. He was the most faithful, loving, supportive man and his whole life was to provide for my future. His whole life revolved around me. I pushed him away by becoming spoiled and ungrateful and I always pushed him for more, nothing was ever good enough for me, I always compared him to guys on t.v or in movies and felt like what I has wasn't enough. He couldn't make me happy, then I realized that I was the unhappy one and no matter what he did I needed to make myself happy. I finally realized how great he was when I almost lost him, and i took a vow to NEVER take him for granted again, and im now learning to make myself happy. He is totally checked out of the relationship and its on the verge of breaking but i wont let it break, it will take time for him to trust me again but I will make it happen cause I cant loose a great man like that!!

[jsd43953]

Chanty,

 

Well that is a rather great realization. At least you have come to your senses now, while you still have some type of standing relationship. The guy you describe is me in a nutshell, when I am in a relationship. At no fault of my own, maybe I have been investing in woman who have not been whole themselves. The point you made about not being happy, so everything he did to make you happy never seemed to be enough. I remember in my last relationship being pushed in a corner where I caught myself telling her that I "felt like I was fighting a winless battle, and being set up to fail in this relationship". Those are hard words to say when you are giving 100% and the other person sees that you are.

[Eocsor]

Hey ENA,

 

Just a topic on my mind that I was hoping to get some clarification on.

 

Ladies tend to say that they want a good man but it always seem that the minute they find one they abuse him in some way, shape or form. I wonder why it is that females tend to hurt good men, but stick around and fight for the no good ones?

 

The same goes for men as well. We say we want a good woman and when we get her we dog her out or don't love her and do the things we would do for the woman who is no good?

 

 

Id like to know what people think the reasoning is behind this?

 

There are plenty of good men and women out there. What there aren't, is a lot of people that make good choices in their partners. People go into and stay in relationships when all the warning signs are there that this person is a disaster.

 

Lack of judgement in the early stages of a relationship leads to getting abused later.

[Mr Man]

Forget grass is greener blah blah - it's so selfish, shallow and ridiculous. Yes people do it and they're idiots, but that's their flaw, not mine. I don't conform to the rubbish around me, some of my closest female mates and male mates approach relationships shallowly and without thought about how their behaviour reflects their character - not me. I'm not an abuser but I'm not a 'nice guy'. I'm a good man, I treat people in the same way I demand to be treated - with respect. I won't stand for anything less and people know it. I have no problem walking away and if I do it won't be my loss if I do because I'm loyal to my dying breath. I fight for what I believe in and I'll die before I sell my morals out for anyone else. I love a woman because I choose to, not because I have to. I love, admire and respect myself.

 

If a woman is no good - she's straight out of the window (figuratively!). It doesn't matter how I feel about her, she's gone and I'll take the hurt that comes with that before I sell my soul to the devil.

 

A good woman is precious and a healthy, fun, trusting, sexy and vibrant relationship is an amazing gift. I know what I have when I have it. I know relationships have highs and lows and I'm not about to throw everything (loyalty) away because I've seen something that looks shiny walk past. I treat good women with the same respect I demand in return and no one will walk over me. So there you have it, we are out there!

[Randomgirl123]

Yes, you kind of have to hit rock bottom before you realize what your doing. I hit rock bottom even felt suicidal but I've got control of my life now. Yes there is something to be said for that, people taking everything in a relationship because they themselves are not whole but looking for someone to make them whole. Its very hard, but you cant force someone to realize the way they are acting it has to happen on their own. I hope that doesn't happen in your next relationship i wish u luck

[jsd43953]

There are plenty of good men and women out there. What there aren't, is a lot of people that make good choices in their partners. People go into and stay in relationships when all the warning signs are there that this person is a disaster.

 

Lack of judgement in the early stages of a relationship leads to getting abused later.

 

Eocsor,

 

This is one thing I am trying to understad. "People go into and stay in relationships when all the warning signs are there that this person is a disaster. It makes no sense especially when that relationship is not fulfilling your desires. Here is when you hear the " I need a good man" or "I need a good woman" speech and her comes that guy/gal to only get burned because now this person is conditioned to expect the qualities of the "disaster type" relationship and not the " quality relationship"

[jsd43953]

Mr. Man you are the MAN,

 

I will just have to agree with you on every point you make. It has taken me this last break up to really come to grips with myself as a person, and a man in a relationship. Sadly sometimes it takes a heart break to clearly define a person's wants, needs, and what he/she is willing to accept and not accept. I heard it said somewhere (cant remember now) that as humans we tend to fight to hold on to that which will hender us, and walk away from that which is meant to build us. IRONIC dont you think?

[Eocsor]

Eocsor,

 

This is one thing I am trying to understad. "People go into and stay in relationships when all the warning signs are there that this person is a disaster. It makes no sense especially when that relationship is not fulfilling your desires. Here is when you hear the " I need a good man" or "I need a good woman" speech and her comes that guy/gal to only get burned because now this person is conditioned to expect the qualities of the "disaster type" relationship and not the " quality relationship"

 

I think people are way too desperate to find somone to settle down with. So desperate that they will take a train wreck over being alone. People are afraid of alone time. So they settle for a substandard relationship.

[jsd43953]

Yes, you kind of have to hit rock bottom before you realize what your doing. I hit rock bottom even felt suicidal but I've got control of my life now. Yes there is something to be said for that, people taking everything in a relationship because they themselves are not whole but looking for someone to make them whole. Its very hard, but you cant force someone to realize the way they are acting it has to happen on their own. I hope that doesn't happen in your next relationship i wish u luck

 

Chanty475,

 

Well thanks for the luck, I wish you the same. It is funny if you would have asked me 30 days ago would I run back to her? I would have said yes. Now a whole month later I would have to kindly say no, but not because I don't want to be with her but rather because I have a better handle on my worth and what I deserve. I think once we have that clear cut definition of our worth, that transends to how we select partners of romantic relationships. I gave and gave and did what I was supposed to and it was abused by her. Okay Ill chalk it up as a learning experience. It also is not my loss, not one bit. I look at what I brought to the table and think WOW what is it going to be like when I finally find that woman who gives that same love and effort back. By that time Ill probably look at this past relationship like wow really!

[jsd43953]

I think people are way too desperate to find somone to settle down with. So desperate that they will take a train wreck over being alone. People are afraid of alone time. So they settle for a substandard relationship.

 

Eocsor,

 

I agree. I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine and she always jumps from one relationship to another. So over a drink I asked her what was the deal with that and she said the same thing just afraind to be alone. I have found that during my alone time, especially now, that I am becoming more self reliant, more independent, and grasping a stronger since of my identity. My view is that if you are knowingly willing to settle for a substandard relationship then knowingly and willingly be ready to accept the heartbreak, and even more loniless once that relationship dwindles. Why do people look to another person to complete them. Thinking about it makes no sense. People will disppoiint you, let you down turn there back on you and most often it is not your enemy. These are the people who say they love you etc etc.

[Day_Walker]

I think that there is a disconnect between what people say they want and the people that they end up with. I rationalize this by saying that people are just looking for people that they can identify with based on their own family life. I think that you also cant assume that just because a person picks a person doesnt mean that a good choice is being made.

[Mr Man]

Mr. Man you are the MAN,

 

I will just have to agree with you on every point you make. It has taken me this last break up to really come to grips with myself as a person, and a man in a relationship. Sadly sometimes it takes a heart break to clearly define a person's wants, needs, and what he/she is willing to accept and not accept. I heard it said somewhere (cant remember now) that as humans we tend to fight to hold on to that which will hender us, and walk away from that which is meant to build us. IRONIC dont you think?

 

yeh I know LOL

 

Yeh my last breakup was certainly beneficial to me, too - although PAINFUL HA!

 

Assuming the ironic sentiment you illustrated bears truth, it also proves how important it is that an individual is complete before you have a relationship with them. Don't get with a woman who is broken - she may be 'special' to you if you give it a chance and you can choose to love her, but just don't do it - standards. It isn't my job to 'build' my woman, and it isn't her job to 'build' me.

 

Happiness + Self-love + Self-respect + Confidence + Independence + Loyaly + Compassion = Complete man/ woman

 

Complete man + Complete woman = Healthy relationship.

 

Best wishes

[jsd43953]

I think that there is a disconnect between what people say they want and the people that they end up with. I rationalize this by saying that people are just looking for people that they can identify with based on their own family life. I think that you also cant assume that just because a person picks a person doesnt mean that a good choice is being made.

 

Day_Walker,

 

Thanks for gracing us with your prescene on the topic. Interesting that you say this. Does this suggest that for example, a girl who grows up without a father will be more likely to go from one man to another, just because he shows her interest? (this is and example and the point I am trying to make is that growing up the lack of a father left a void, thus she would be looking to fill it subconciously). If this is the case then I can understand where you are coming from. However from talking to people you have people in bad relationships and who want better but just stay, but complain complain complain "he doesnt do this, or she doesnt do this". Why do you think this is?

[jsd43953]

yeh I know LOL

 

Yeh my last breakup was certainly beneficial to me, too - although PAINFUL HA!

 

Assuming the ironic sentiment you illustrated bears truth, it also proves how important it is that an individual is complete before you have a relationship with them. Don't get with a woman who is broken - she may be 'special' to you if you give it a chance and you can choose to love her, but just don't do it - standards. It isn't my job to 'build' my woman, and it isn't her job to 'build' me.

 

Happiness + Self-love + Self-respect + Confidence + Independence + Loyaly + Compassion = Complete man/ woman

 

Complete man + Complete woman = Healthy relationship.

 

Best wishes

 

 

I could not have said it better myself. This is something I am learning as we speak. I think everything action and reaction when it comes to relationships is prepartory for what is in store. Classic saying one door closes another opens. However I think what is the most important thing regarding this saying, is what are we doing between those doors, to prepare us for when that door opens. Are we still sitting still saying "where are the good men/women" or are we making ourself a better man/woman to be able to have the Healthy Relationship that you so profoundly illustrated for us.

[OrangeMoon]

There are plenty of good men and women out there. What there aren't, is a lot of people that make good choices in their partners. People go into and stay in relationships when all the warning signs are there that this person is a disaster.

 

Lack of judgement in the early stages of a relationship leads to getting abused later.

 

Second this.. and i'll add..getting emotionally invested too soon. Usually the women getting hooked on the so called 'bad guys' exhibit both lack of judgment and a higher emotional attachment. Things like sexual blindness add to that as well.

 

Usually the so called 'bad guys' have a sexual energy that pulls the woman in. The so called 'good guys' go slowly. and no matter how you put it..male ferility or the aura of that is something that women pull towards (that's why the AXE commercials are so popular..overexaggerated..but yeah). But that's why its also important for a guy a certain age to keep that aura of ferility..otherwise if he has chosen a woman out of his own lack of judgment, as soon as things get boring to a level she can't handle..that exciting guy will get her attention.

 

But most of the times its not about women leaving good guys and wanting bad..I mean every age has their own phase in life when it comes to experiencing new partners. But not all good guys are perfect you know..

[jsd43953]

Orangemoon,

 

You pose an interesting topic. So are you saying that "good guys" dont give off that male fertility aura that the "bad guys" give off? Let me clarify when I said a bad guy I am talking about cheaters, liars, dead beats, emotional pirates..these type of bad guys. Not cool bad guys like the FONZ..lol. I feel that a man who gives a woman what she is looking for and asking for in most cases would be the "good guy" and thus his attraction would be higher. I think it is a vicous cycle we abuse what is good for us and get abused by what isnt.. as I said to someone earlier. Look at an inventory of your past relationships. I bet you are able to identify a guy who gave you love and all the above and what happened to him. Now in the same breath what about the guy who took your feelings for granted, lied, cheated or just treated you second best where is he. Which relationship did you find yourself vested more deeply in?

[Day_Walker]

Day_Walker,

 

Thanks for gracing us with your prescene on the topic. Interesting that you say this. Does this suggest that for example, a girl who grows up without a father will be more likely to go from one man to another, just because he shows her interest? (this is and example and the point I am trying to make is that growing up the lack of a father left a void, thus she would be looking to fill it subconciously). If this is the case then I can understand where you are coming from. However from talking to people you have people in bad relationships and who want better but just stay, but complain complain complain "he doesnt do this, or she doesnt do this". Why do you think this is?

 

What I am saying is that people tend to look for what is familiar in their own family, that doesnt mean that a person will respond by dating multiple guys if she didnt have a father, instead she might look for men who are unavailable emotionally of physically since that is familiar to her.

 

As far as complaining about relationships, that is just what people do because they are frustrated but I would think that if you are continually unhappy with your partner complaining about them and you are saying with them then clearly there is some insecurity about leaving the person and being alone.

[pl3asehelp]

This all stinks of dishonesty. Men - be yourself. If women find that attractive, good for you, otherwise don't worry about it, they will mature and find you attractive when you grow up. But whatever you do, don't go attempting to cultivate any aura of (fertility?). If a woman would leave you because she thinks you're boring - YOU DON'T WANT THAT WOMAN.