She wants closure??

[Fenton87]

Hey everyone. I'm in need of some brutally honest advice on current situation with my girlfriend. I'm not 100% what her intentions are because she keeps sending me mixed messages.

 

I'm going to break this into sections because it is very confusing.

 

The problem.

 

I'll try to keep this short since it all spans about a year’s length. She changed a lot from the beginning of the year and became very distant. We broke up back in July and got back together within 2 weeks. A few weeks go by after we decide to continue our 4 year relationship I find out there was another guy in the picture who she works with. It has been now 5 months that we have been trying to reconcile our relationship but has been very hard considering the fact she still works with this guy and has changed completely in terms of the way she is towards me (distant, secretive, closed off) but she still reassures me and tells me that it was nothing and that she wants to only be with me. I was very lost and insecure during all of this and finally decided to stop bugging her about it. I gave her a lot of space and then she confessed.

 

The confession.

 

This weekend she opened up to me and she started telling me everything about her relationship with this guy when I took her out for dinner. Basically to sum it up, she fell for a guy who goes through women like used tissues. She is very confused because he never made a move to take their relationship to another level even though he constantly makes passes at her at work, or whether he ever liked her more than just a friend. She is stuck on whether she ever meant anything to this guy... (Her exact words on that last sentence)

 

My reaction.

 

After hearing her side I explained to her from my perspective that this guy is just using her like the rest but she justified his actions because she believes they have had a much deeper connection compared to his girlfriends and he treats her differently. I tried to explain to her that a true "good friend" wouldn't try to make a passes at you knowing you're in a serious relationship and when he has a girlfriend too. Why she was ever okay with this? I don't know. I asked her why she never did anything to stop his inappropriate actions that cross so many boundaries in terms to our relationship. She simply said, "maybe it was the fact that I was infatuated?" So I ask her what her true intentions where. Whether she wanted to continue our relationship or date this loser?

 

The mixed message.

 

She tells me that she still wants to be with me and make us work because she knows that there is no chance in hell that she would ever date this guy because of the way he is... But... she wants to confront him and figure out if he ever liked her? This is where I lost her. I don't understand. I told her that if she were to confront him at all it should be on his behavior towards her and how it has ruined our relationship. I then asked her what will knowing if he ever liked her at all accomplish? Would it really solve anything? Shouldn't she just end this relationship with this guy to actually begin to fix ours? She said she wanted closure. Wouldn't this just open other windows of possibility that would end our relationship? I don't know what to make of it and would really like some advice on what to do or how to comprehend her choice of action...

[Captain Obvious]

So whatever happens with this guy what happens when she meets someone else who shes infatuated with?

[Flyingpiglet]

Honestly... I don't like the sound of this at all.

If she was serious about making your relationship work, she would leave this guy in the dust and concentrate on you...

If she was serious, she would get her closure from within herself, and put her energy into your relationship rather than fretting about what some other guy thinks of her...

She's still shopping around.. Asking this guy for closure would be just a way of trying to get an answer of him that she wants to hear.

Did you ever sort out the issues that caused the break-up in the first place

[winniethepooh]

I think you're in a difficult situation here. No matter how it plays out, I think you need to carefully consider if you really want to be in a relationship with her long-term. In this world, men hit on women far more often than women hit on men, and sooner or later some of those hits will connect. Better to find out now how she deals with it, than later. But cut her a bit of slack too, at least she's talking about it with you.

 

A few weeks go by after we decide to continue our 4 year relationship I find out there was another guy in the picture who she works with.

When did this guy appear in the picture? Did it have anything to do with you breaking up in the first place?

 

This weekend she opened up to me and she started telling me everything about her relationship with this guy when I took her out for dinner. Basically to sum it up, she fell for a guy who goes through women like used tissues. She is very confused because he never made a move to take their relationship to another level even though he constantly makes passes at her at work, or whether he ever liked her more than just a friend. She is stuck on whether she ever meant anything to this guy... (Her exact words on that last sentence)

Ok, well good that at last she confessed. As long as she is able to keep talking to you about it and be comfortable about opening up about her feelings, I think that's a good sign. Difficult for you but do your best to hang in there and try not to judge her.

 

Alternatively you could take a do or die approach and put her on the spot with something long the lines of it's either him or you. But ultimatums are rarely, if ever, a good idea in relationships I think.

 

Do your best to assess just how deep her feelings are for this guy. I suspect the conflict within her at present is feelings towards him versus feelings towards you and potential feelings of loss if she loses you. And at this stage, it sounds like her feelings towards him are relatively shallow.

 

After hearing her side I explained to her from my perspective that this guy is just using her like the rest

Like the rest of what? All men? Are you then included in this category?

 

but she justified his actions because she believes they have had a much deeper connection compared to his girlfriends and he treats her differently.

Ok, this is patent nonsense. You know that, I know that, probably everyone around her (except her) knows that, including the guy that's leading her on I expect. However, she's the one with this feeling and it's not going to easily go away.

 

I tried to explain to her that a true "good friend" wouldn't try to make a passes at you knowing you're in a serious relationship and when he has a girlfriend too. Why she was ever okay with this?

Yes. What was her response to this?

 

I asked her why she never did anything to stop his inappropriate actions that cross so many boundaries in terms to our relationship. She simply said, "maybe it was the fact that I was infatuated?"

Ah, so on some level she is aware that this is out of order. Ask her if she wants to be infatuated with this guy. That might lead into a more productive conversation.

 

So I ask her what her true intentions where. Whether she wanted to continue our relationship or date this loser?

What was her response? She probably doesn't know what her true intentions are, or perhaps whatever they are, they're overwhelmed by conflicted feelings.

 

She tells me that she still wants to be with me and make us work because she knows that there is no chance in hell that she would ever date this guy because of the way he is...

Ok, at that point, ask her what she thinks the best way to go about making it work with you is if she continues to work with the guy.

 

But... she wants to confront him and figure out if he ever liked her?

Really bad idea. I don't know how you can tell her that without getting her wound up though. He appears to be a player with little regard for her feelings, let alone yours. I expect her confronting him about anything would just feed more energy into his ego.

 

This is where I lost her. I don't understand. I told her that if she were to confront him at all it should be on his behavior towards her and how it has ruined our relationship.

Pointless. He is operating on a different moral plane to you (and hopefully her). The best thing she can do is avoid him as much as possible. If he makes a move on her in the workplace, then she might consider filing some sort of sexual harassment case. But that might backfire if there is a history of a relationship (alleged or real), and he quite possibly is clever enough (and unethical enough) to manipulate things to his advantage, and her disadvantage.

 

I then asked her what will knowing if he ever liked her at all accomplish? Would it really solve anything? Shouldn't she just end this relationship with this guy to actually begin to fix ours?

All fair enough questions but I get the sense you were getting frustrated at this point and perhaps pushing her back into her corner.

 

She said she wanted closure.

She won't get it from him. She will only get it by closing things off herself. Again, I can't think of an easy way to get this through to her.

 

Wouldn't this just open other windows of possibility that would end our relationship?

Yes.

 

I don't know what to make of it and would really like some advice on what to do or how to comprehend her choice of action...

Try and focus on the feelings and fears that are driving her at the moment. They overwhelm her rationality, although it's good that at some level she recognizes this is inappropriate and wants to fix things.

 

It might be that you have to let her go and confront the guy. It's a bad idea, but maybe not the end of the world, and it might give her a clearer focus on what he's really like and the damage that this situation is causing to your relationship. My fear though is that he manipulates such a confrontation to his own advantage by playing with her feelings so that she is more drawn to him.

 

I think you should stay away from him at all costs.

 

Next time you have a conversation about this with her, avoid telling her what to do or what you think is right. Try and draw things out from her by asking questions like why does she think dadada is a good idea? Ask her does it really matter to her whether or not he liked her? And if he does, where does she want things to go?

 

Alternatively, you could take on more an Alpha Male role and just lay down the law, so to speak. Put her in her place, tell her this is all way out of order, etc etc. But only you really know if she's the sort of girl who would respond positively to that kind of approach. Personally, I think if she is, and if she's going to respond to other men in a similar way as this player, then you could be dealing with this kind of situation on a regular basis.

[asthesparrow]

You have already received a lot of really good advice but I'll tell you what I think from her perspective.

Cool new guy shows up when she is feeling shaky about your relationship with her. He gives her a lot of attention, and she is completely drawn in. He is being aloof, and she is just basically wanting to know what he wants from her. She will not get over him until he gives her the flick. Trust me, she is infatuated. The only thing that will ruin it is if he stops contacting her entirely, as he will forever flirt with her/make passes - he obviously is a flirt and cannot help himself.

 

Lost cause. She isn't worth your time.

[DN]

Dump her like a hot rock and find someone who wants you and only you. She is just a user.

[mindi]

Wow, so did she actually sleep with this guy while you guys were broken up ? Why would she want anything to do with a guy who just uses women for sex and aggressively flirts with girls while he has a girlfriend? She likes him much more than just infatuation or else she wouldn't care what he thinks about her. Doesn't that greatly offend you that she is so willing to be interested in this guy while she already has someone who is trying hard to work things out and understand her?

 

When someone shows that sort of interest in me, I take is as a compliment, and feel sort of good thinking "they want but cant have". That is just it.. they can't have, so I move on to other things and really, don't care if they actually like me or not.

[Fenton87]

Asking this guy for closure would be just a way of trying to get an answer of him that she wants to hear.

Did you ever sort out the issues that caused the break-up in the first place

Well she says she wants to be with me and that everything between us fine. She just has conflicts about this person and its drawing her away from me. I don't think we ever really resolved the break up either. A large part of me ultimately believes it all revolves around this guy. That's all our relationship focus has been on since late July. Regaining trust and coping with this problem..

 

So whatever happens with this guy what happens when she meets someone else who shes infatuated with?

I get where you going with this but I hope shes a better person than that considering the fact of what shes done already.

 

When did this guy appear in the picture? Did it have anything to do with you breaking up in the first place?

 

As long as she is able to keep talking to you about it and be comfortable about opening up about her feelings, I think that's a good sign. Difficult for you but do your best to hang in there and try not to judge her.

 

Like the rest of what? All men? Are you then included in this category?

 

Yes. What was her response to this?

 

What was her response? She probably doesn't know what her true intentions are, or perhaps whatever they are, they're overwhelmed by conflicted feelings.

 

It might be that you have to let her go and confront the guy. It's a bad idea, but maybe not the end of the world, and it might give her a clearer focus on what he's really like and the damage that this situation is causing to your relationship. My fear though is that he manipulates such a confrontation to his own advantage by playing with her feelings so that she is more drawn to him.

 

Next time you have a conversation about this with her, avoid telling her what to do or what you think is right. Try and draw things out from her by asking questions like why does she think dadada is a good idea? Ask her does it really matter to her whether or not he liked her? And if he does, where does she want things to go?

 

Alternatively, you could take on more an Alpha Male role and just lay down the law, so to speak. Put her in her place, tell her this is all way out of order, etc etc. But only you really know if she's the sort of girl who would respond positively to that kind of approach. Personally, I think if she is, and if she's going to respond to other men in a similar way as this player, then you could be dealing with this kind of situation on a regular basis.

This guy showed up at her work in January but they have known each other since last year late 2010. They met while we were seperated for a few months. Its not the first time we have broken up. I broke up with her in November of last year. We were fighting too much about trivial insignificant things and i thought we needed a break. To let things cool off. We didn't really talk for about 2 months but she kept small contact with me for the holidays. We started talking more frequently again by January but didn't officially get back together until the beginning of Februrary.

 

I realize now this is when she started to change a lot towards me and it had to be because of her feelings towards this guy. When she was breaking up with me in July... She would say things like "wanting to be more independent, or my life revolves more around you and than me." Then I come to find this all out indirectly from her that there is another guy in the mix and I confronted her. Aside from all the other reasons she gave me. I realized this was the main reason she dumped me because she probably couldn't deal with the guilt anymore. She says she wants to be with me and I have been trying so hard to believe her and make things work. Yet she continues her relationship with this guy because they work together on a regular basis.

 

She has changed so much due to this guy. Thing's aren't the same anymore and I constantly feel like I am the problem even though I am not. I asked her why she thought he was a good friend. She responded with having a deep conncetion to him because they have connected on many levels. They confided and shared good times with each other aside from all the passes he would make to her. Then I expressed my feelings in regards of why she would reciprocate his advances and not stand up for US. She said she didn't know. That she is too confused and doesn't have a definite answer but she told me that she was infatuated with him and the fact that she really hasn't dated anyone else besides me in her life made it more appealing to her. I don't see how she can justify any of hers or his actions with out disregarding our relationship and taking it for granted...

 

I told her that this guy is just using her like all the other women he has slept around with while they have been "good friends" but she doesn't know what to believe because he won't make a move on her like all the other girls. He just keeps her on the side and she sees this as respect and caring for her? I don't get women sometimes. By the way they work in a very lax envorionment watching children at gym so theres plenty of time to interact with one another. From my perspective he is constantly toying with yet and she doesn't see it or accept that its not real. That is her reasoning behind confronting him. It's going to change everything between us based on his answer. What happens after he says yes? I can assume she will be drawn to him even more than ever but if he says no then she will be crushed. Either way it won't play out well for me because she told me she didn't want to lose him as a friend.

 

When we got on topic of this guy initially over the weekend I told her I didn't care anymore about this guy and I joked about it. Lately I've been trying to let go and brace my self and I wanted to let her know what I had been doing to focus on me and show her that I don't care.. I also told her I have other options that she is not the only person in the world for me. Then I told her my intentions are that I choose to stay with her because I love her and I'm not willing to easily give up on us yet because of how hard we had worked to build our long term relationship. This is when she seemed really happy and was appreciative and said she was glad hearing me talk about that. Then she confessed and she seemed really comfortable to talk about this guy.

 

Today I tried to dig a little and figure out her intentions are. I didn't know how to initiate the conversation about the situation so I just asked when I called her on the phone. When I asked her questions that would try to get her to open up with me. Such as the ones you suggested. She got frustrated. She listened to what I had to say or ask but she didn't really give me any definite or sincere answers without sounding annoyed or frustrated. I knew then I had messed up so I let her go immediately. I'm so stupid. I was probably too direct and can't accept her answers that she doesn't really know. Your fear is exactly what my fear is and I know its bound to happen if she does confront him... but maybe its for the best? I'm trying to stay positive.

Wow, so did she actually sleep with this guy while you guys were broken up ? Why would she want anything to do with a guy who just uses women for sex and aggressively flirts with girls while he has a girlfriend? She likes him much more than just infatuation or else she wouldn't care what he thinks about her. Doesn't that greatly offend you that she is so willing to be interested in this guy while she already has someone who is trying hard to work things out and understand her?

 

When someone shows that sort of interest in me, I take is as a compliment, and feel sort of good thinking "they want but cant have". That is just it.. they can't have, so I move on to other things and really, don't care if they actually like me or not.

She swears on her life that they have not had any sort of sexual relationship. I had a really hard time believing this considering how she acts or feels towards him. I got the sense that she didn't care about my feelings at this point so all signs pointed in that direction. Yet... she wants to be with me?

 

 

At this point I don't know how to positively get her to open up to me. Telling her that I don't care anymore worked for that one instance but is it really a good way to get her to be comfortable with me about this? Should I just continue to give her space until she is ready to come to me? I just want her to feel comfortable and be on the same level of trying to fix things like I am. If she honestly found comfort and felt better towards me then maybe I can find different ways to show her that it doesn't bother me anymore? What do you guys think?

[winniethepooh]

She swears on her life that they have not had any sort of sexual relationship. I had a really hard time believing this considering how she acts or feels towards him. I got the sense that she didn't care about my feelings at this point so all signs pointed in that direction. Yet... she wants to be with me?

It's possible to have a desire for more than one person.

 

It wasn't clear to me whether or not there was any physical relationship between her and the other guy, it sounded like not, but now I'm not sure. Anyway, there's at least a desire on her part for something. I'm not sure I'd call this an emotional affair, it seems more like a physical desire only.

 

At this point I don't know how to positively get her to open up to me.

Ok, I think at this point you should recognize you've tried and it's not getting you very far. So forget everything I said previously and move on to plan B.

 

Telling her that I don't care anymore

Don't tell her things that aren't true.

 

Should I just continue to give her space until she is ready to come to me?

Maybe a variation on a theme ...

 

Tell her you understand that she's conflicted but you and her can't continue in this situation like this. If she wants to resolve things with you and get out of the situation with this other guy, then you are willing to work with her to do that, however she has to be much more open about her feelings, and much more willing to do things to disconnect from the other guy. So if she is unwilling to make an effort, then you will leave her alone to figure it out herself. Then leave her alone and don't acknowledge any contact from her unless it is clearly intended to try to move your relationship forwards, and end whatever connection she has with the other guy. This will be difficult for you but you must resist the temptation to call her or contact her in any way.

 

You might fear that this will push her away and into the arms of the other guy, but I really think if that's the case, then she was already there, or well on her way to getting there and there was nothing you could have realistically done to save the situation. You'd also be better off without her in the long-term if this is the case. And if she's deliberately stringing you along, then you will also resolve that.

 

Don't threaten her with a break-up just yet. You can send another message after some time if you feel that's appropriate. Actually, don't threaten her with a break-up at all. If you don't hear anything useful from her for a period of time (you decide what that is, but don't tell her), then send a message saying you haven't heard from her for xx days so you will accept that she has decided she does not want to resolve things with you or continue in a relationship with you, and you will move on without her in your life. Then go about the process of disconnecting from her, suffering the pain of breaking-up, and so on. Bleah. But I think that's where you're going to end up sooner or later. Better you do it with a bit of dignity than wait until she dumps you for him.

[Fenton87]

Okay so I have to admit. I've been really blind and narrow minded towards this situation considering all the facts. I'm not perfect and times like these insecurities and doubts can really cloud your judgement. I failed to notice and over looked some signs that should of stuck out to me before but I was stuck on the negative. Thanks to your advice though, I was able to notice this.

 

There are certain actions on her part that may acknowledge that she really means it when says she wants to be with me. She's been seeking a new job and submitting applications to different places. I even saw a list she made of about 15 total of places that she has applied to. It never dawned on me that she was talking about quitting her current job and how this would end her relationship with this person because they only talk to each other at work. She also opened up to me on her own terms which is another good sign. Not sure if it was because of the circumstances but at least she was honest and sincere. That counts for something right?

 

You're right though. I shouldn't press her too much and cut her some slack.

 

Reading every ones advice and opinions really helped me think. Considering my talk with her earlier in the morning didn't go so well I called her back about an hour ago. I felt stupid that I never thought of this before (I didn't say that obviously lol), but I called just to tell her how much I appreciate what she has done to show me that she is serious about our relationship. I went on to tell her that if she believes that confronting this person would somehow provide any sort of closure for her then by all means go for it. I thought to my self maybe she acts annoyed because shes constantly having to reassure me but I never showed any appreciation or support. I figured acknowledging her actions would spin the day in a positive direction. I could tell how happy she was by her lovey voice when shes with me.

 

So after I told her that... I got this bit in too. I said, "if we are to continue and fix our relationship this person has to go" and I asked her whether she agreed or not. She agreed and said yes. Again told me she wanted to be with me and I thanked her this time around. Then I ended the conversation and we got off the phone. It felt a lot better to be on the same level and not be shut out.

 

Again thanks for all your advice winniethepooh. I will keep you all updated on how things turn out.

[winniethepooh]

Okay so I have to admit. I've been really blind and narrow minded towards this situation considering all the facts. I'm not perfect and times like these insecurities and doubts can really cloud your judgement.

Yes, they can.

 

There are certain actions on her part that may acknowledge that she really means it when says she wants to be with me. She's been seeking a new job and submitting applications to different places. I even saw a list she made of about 15 total of places that she has applied to. It never dawned on me that she was talking about quitting her current job and how this would end her relationship with this person because they only talk to each other at work. She also opened up to me on her own terms which is another good sign. Not sure if it was because of the circumstances but at least she was honest and sincere. That counts for something right?

Something, yes. How much? Who knows. But it's a positive sign rather than a negative one. Have you acknowledged to her that you are aware of her efforts about finding a new job?

 

I called her back about an hour ago. I felt stupid that I never thought of this before (I didn't say that obviously lol), but I called just to tell her how much I appreciate what she has done to show me that she is serious about our relationship. I went on to tell her that if she believes that confronting this person would somehow provide any sort of closure for her then by all means go for it. I thought to my self maybe she acts annoyed because shes constantly having to reassure me but I never showed any appreciation or support. I figured acknowledging her actions would spin the day in a positive direction. I could tell how happy she was by her lovey voice when shes with me.

 

So after I told her that... I got this bit in too. I said, "if we are to continue and fix our relationship this person has to go" and I asked her whether she agreed or not. She agreed and said yes. Again told me she wanted to be with me and I thanked her this time around. Then I ended the conversation and we got off the phone. It felt a lot better to be on the same level and not be shut out.

Ok, that sounds promising. If she is deliberately messing you around, then all of this is probably futile, and likely to set you up for greater heartbreak. But you're in a better position to figure out what's going on with her, if your emotions don't make things too cloudy. And certainly, her actions in these examples seem to support the idea that she does want to extricate herself from the relationship with the other guy, and make a go of it with you.

 

In that case, I guess don't shut the door on her just yet. And keep encouraging her to make efforts towards repairing things, but don't carry her. As long as you and her are communicating openly and honestly, then perhaps you can be cautiously optimistic. But if you sense at any point that she is holding back or covering something up, be ready to back off very quickly.

 

Don't read too much into how lovey her voice sounds. It might be an act (but I'm less inclined to think so after the other things you said in your post), and your perception is bound to be distorted by your own feelings for her.

 

And although it might be fair to acknowledge your lack of appreciation or support for her, for her to respond by finding someone else is inappropriate, to say the least. So don't be too quick to take on the blame - your emotional state at present might drive you to do that. Better to focus on understanding each other rather than blaming each other anyway.

 

Again thanks for all your advice winniethepooh. I will keep you all updated on how things turn out.

You're welcome. I hope it helps. And yes, please keep us updated.

[Fenton87]

Well most recent updates and questionable actions... I know in my previous post we discussed her wanting closure by confronting this guy. Well... it happened, but not as I thought it would. It turned out to be more of a confession on her part than anything. I figured if this person really wanted to be with me she would focus her attention on our relationship and forget about this person.

 

So I am just going to paraphrase this from my cell phone from the texts I received... this basically what I gathered from has happened this last Sunday. She was at work with this guy and she randomly sprung it on him out of nowhere. She told him that she *USED* to have a crush on him. He replied, "use to? why? I am a loser." She then said, "well you still are and I don't know." He laughed. She then explained to me that this guy got really excited but acted like he was embarrassed by saying "shut up!." Then he asked her what he could do to make her like him again. (really now? the guy, whom she explained to me went through girls like a box of tissue papers has resorted to this? what a joke...) She didn't go into great detail about that part of the conversation... She gave me examples like him asking whether he should work out more, or call her beautiful more or some dumb stuff like that. This is where I lost her. She did tell me tho that he kept staring at her and smiling all day. She said she couldn't plainly ask him if he ever liked her and she couldn't tell based on the way he acted. She said she would try to find out more next time they work together... I told her what I thought and what this person is probably going to do. She didn't want to believe what I had to say about it.

 

I swear this has to be the stupidest situation you can put your self in. That goes for me too because I've stuck around this girl out of love and the dreams we made being together for 5 years. I tried so hard to believe in her words that she wanted to be with only me and fix our relationship. Can she be that blind that this guy doesn't care about her status or feelings at all? God I am so sick of this. I've tried so hard to put my self in a position where I don't push her towards him but its ignored my own feelings in the process... ugh.

 

One positive thing I have been doing is preparing my self, because I know the worst is yet to come. So the past few days I've been distancing my self and not contacting her at all. I thought to my self. Now that she has done this its made things 100 times worse than before... Now hes going to be nonstop hounding her at work and if she does nothing to stop this person I'm just going to have to cut my losses and move on.

 

Right now I can tell you I feel utterly destroyed at the moment and any advice or opinions on what to do would be greatly appreciated...

[winniethepooh]

I don't understand her conversation with him. If she wants to cut lose from him (which I gather from your previous post, she said she wanted to do), then she either tells him that and has no further conversation with him about it, or just ignores him full stop.

 

Don't entertain any conversation with her about the other guy if it's along those lines you described. Only focus on how she is going to break from him. Or don't talk about it at all with her.

 

But I think now it's beginning to look like you're going to end up having to leave alone to sort out her own mess, and move on without her in your life. Her words to you might be that she wants to break it off with him, but she's not making that very clear to him. The only way I can see it in a positive light is that she's a bit (or a lot) lost herself and is talking to you about it because she wants some help. But she's got to realize it's up to her to deal with this guy, not you.

 

How far is she getting with finding a new job?

[Silvergalaxy]

I re-read your post twice to make sure I'm not getting it wrong because I just don't understand. You have a girlfriend who is confessing her feelings to another guy, under the pretence of closure, and you're there to listen to her and guide her through the process? Why are you still with this woman? She's obviously caught up in this other person and does not care what happens with your relationship at all. Have some respect for yourself (even if she doesn't seem to have any for you) and walk away. I'm sorry if this is harsh, I really feel for you, but what you're doing right now is just watching from the sidelines as she's trying to get with someone else. You deserve much better than this!

[Flyingpiglet]

At a quick glance, it almost looks like she's pushing all the buttons for you to end the relationship with her.

Think about it... Would you treat someone you 'love' like this?

Tell her, it's all or nothing. Then cut her loose if she refuses to stop interacting with this guy on anything other that a profesional level.

[Fenton87]

All I know is that she *plans* on quitting by the beginning of the new year. This whole week I haven't talked to her about what happened. WE have hardly talked at all because I've just been busy and she has been busy with finals.

 

I'd like to mention we have been going to couples therapy to get through this. During our last therapy session we agreed to put this behind us. She agreed that she would interact with him in a professional manner. The therapist advised her to not confront him unless this guy was doing something inappropriate towards her, but instead she goes off and confesses. This is where I drew the line because I've taken enough. She has tried to talk to me about daily stuff but I'm not interested so I kept all her calls very very short all week and I've been thinking about how to go about this during our next session which is tomorrow. I'm trying to think of a way to bring it up during our session in order for her to understand how this complicates matters even more. I'm not giving her anymore chances. This was the last straw and she blew it so I may even end things depending on how our session goes...

 

 

 

You're absolutely right. I have felt like a third wheel this whole time and I'm going to put my foot down on this. I do deserve better. Not taking this anymore.

 

 

 

I've actually brought up this point to her and she agreed. She wouldn't stand for it if I was in her shoes doing what she is doing. I think I've given her plenty of chances to make things right, but shes committed to pursuing something that will inevitably come back to haunt her, and will deeply regret.

 

Depending on how things go during our therapy session I will decide tomorrow...

[Flyingpiglet]

Depending on how things go during our therapy session I will decide tomorrow...

 

Make sure you stick to this. It's time to start looking after number 1. If you carry on letting her get away with this with no consequence, then she's no reason to stop. She having the time of her life flirting with this guy all the while knowing you'll be there for her at the end of the day! No more second chances.... Lay it on the line

[winniethepooh]

All I know is that she *plans* on quitting by the beginning of the new year. This whole week I haven't talked to her about what happened. WE have hardly talked at all because I've just been busy and she has been busy with finals.

Well, "plans" are better than nothing I suppose. What steps is she taking towards realising those plans?

 

I'd like to mention we have been going to couples therapy to get through this. During our last therapy session we agreed to put this behind us.

Is she just going through the motions or did/does she really want to go to couples therapy?

 

She agreed that she would interact with him in a professional manner. The therapist advised her to not confront him unless this guy was doing something inappropriate towards her, but instead she goes off and confesses.

Bring this up at your next therapy session.

 

I'm trying to think of a way to bring it up during our session in order for her to understand how this complicates matters even more. I'm not giving her anymore chances. This was the last straw and she blew it so I may even end things depending on how our session goes...

Ask her how many "last straws" she thinks she deserves before you give up completely.

 

I have felt like a third wheel this whole time and I'm going to put my foot down on this. I do deserve better. Not taking this anymore.

Better if she puts her foot down. With the other guy I mean. At your next therapy meeting, try and come with with a specific set of actions for her to follow and specific consequences if she doesn't.

 

I've actually brought up this point to her and she agreed. She wouldn't stand for it if I was in her shoes doing what she is doing. I think I've given her plenty of chances to make things right, but shes committed to pursuing something that will inevitably come back to haunt her, and will deeply regret.

So if she says this, then at some level she recognizes what she is doing is inappropriate. Ask her why she doesn't follow what she knows she should be doing.

 

I wonder if she is trying to manipulate (deliberately or inadvertently) you into dumping her, so that she can then cry off as the "victim." Ask her if that's what she's trying to do - at the therapy session (but leave out the bit about being a "victim").

 

Depending on how things go during our therapy session I will decide tomorrow...

Good luck.

[adarkplace]

ive been a v similar situation only the other guy was an ex. DO NOT get further into this! I would seriously seriously consider bailing outta the relationship. If she wants you bad enough she will come running and then it will be on your terms. this behaviour from her is ABSOLUTELY outta order. Dont get crushed like I did.....