Platonic dating? Confused, sad, and unsure

[exhibitA]

Hi All,

 

About 6 weeks ago, I met a man from a dating site. I felt we hit it off and I really enjoyed talking to him. We have a tremendous amount in common. I haven't dated much in years having been in a rigorous school program, and he says he hasn't dated much in the last 3-4 yrs. He apparently had a short but emotionally difficult relationship a few years back that he says screwed him up a bit and makes him want to go slowly. Subsequently his father died, then his mother died. I think it's been a rough couple years for him.

 

We've been out frequently since then. After the first couple dates, he kissed me and it was pretty awkward, but sometimes first kisses are like that. He sent a text afterwards saying he thought he screwed up the kiss and that he was just rusty. Of course, I told him it was sweet and no worries. Next time we go out, he makes a point of kissing me when he picked me up, and again when he dropped me off. Those were some really nice kisses.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later, and we continued to enjoy spending time together, but I got the sense that he was apprehensive about any physical intimacy. Sometimes he was just squrrely about kissing. He enjoyed holding my hand during movies and stuff, and told me that, but seemed nervous. I ask him about it, and he says that the expecation in dating is that kissing leads to making out and then to sex, and that this expectation makes him extremely nervous. I didn't press about why or what exactly he's nervous about, just listened to what he had to say and told him there was no pressure to jump into anything. He insisted on a good night kiss, and I figured things were fine but that he was just having some anxieties and we could work it out over time.

 

Next time we get together, he doesn't try to kiss me at all, and is kind of more distant as he's dropping me off. We have a discussion in which he tells me that he's not sure how he feels yet, that he likes me a lot, really wants to continue spending time together, but isn't sure if he has romantic feelings or not. He says he's not dating anyone else. He says he really enjoys holding hands, etc, and that he wants to know if I want to continue to go out but in a more platonic manner. I was feeling pretty devastated at that point, and said I'd think about it. I was inclined to feel like maybe he's not attracted to me, which is kind of hurtful. He says this isn't the case, but then I think that would be a difficult thing to actually say to someone. But then I'm not sure why he would pursue it romantically in the first place if he wasn't. Seems easier to pursue a friendship with someone you dont' find physically attractive than to start off romantically and then try to back up a bit when anxieties arise a month later. I don't know. I'm an attractive woman objectively, but I realize that on a personal level this stuff can be very subjective.

 

I decided to give it more time to see if I should continue this. Since then, he's seemed more enthusiastic about getting together, is introducing me to all his closest friends, etc. He is often placing his hand on my arm, hugging me, etc. But I'm finding myself feeling really sad. It feels cold to me. I'm considering just breaking it off with him becuase I don't like how it's feeling. But on the other hand, if he is in need of more time to build a friendship, more emotional intimacy first, then I can understand that and have no objections. I am not pressuring him, and I'm respecting his feelings. But I still I feel rejected and confused, like my affection is being rejected. Can anything come of this? If I'm feeling sad and rejected, should I continue seeing him? Should I tell him how this feels for me or try to work them out and continue to see where this goes?

[blueidealist24]

I think he's not unattracted to you but he's afraid to have a relationship again because his last relationship was 'emotionally difficult.' I don't blame him for feeling that way but I also don't blame you for feeling hurt that he would suddenly pull away when it comes to physical stuff. You're right, he probably shouldn't have started the physical stuff if he was unable to continue with it emotionally, but I think since he WAS attracted to you he wasn't thinking that rationally about his issues when you first started going out. I really think this is his issue, not yours. If you want to see him as friends, maybe something more later, go for it but if makes you feel too hurt and offended I'd cut it off.

[exhibitA]

Yeah, I realize it's probably his issues. From what he said, it sounded like the person he was involved with was kind of emotionally abusive and that it often related to sex. I don't know, as I didn't press for an explanation, but it sounded kind of horrible.

 

If the story wth me, however, is that he sort of figured out that he's just repulsed by me or something, then yes, I'm pretty offended and wouldn't want to try to pursue a friendship, as it wouldn't really be possible for me in the long run. If he had said he wanted to be friends and then half-assed proceeded to try to get together once in a while, or if the story was that he was dating some other person and wanted to figure out who he was more keen on first, I'd probably have to back away. But that's not quite the picture I have, and he does seem quite honest and not laying any BS down. If what's happening is that he needs to be more emotionally comfortable first, then I think I'm ok with that and don't mind continuing until he realizes I'm not someone who would be so hurtful. I do really like him and feel affectionate for him. I just feel confused about the whole thing because I don't understand what is really going on for him and I can't shake the feeling of being rejected, which is probably my own issue. I dunno.

[Justnotsure]

I think I just dated this guy. Parents are alive, though -- so not him! Point is, EXACT same thing happened and it was so disconcerting -- feels like it comes from out the blue and hard not to take it personally.

 

In my case, I decided to keep hanging out to "see if he could develop romantic feelings" (even though previously he'd said I'm the person he'd want to marry, finds me attractive, and feels huge connection). I delved a lot more into his history and found that this type of thing didn't seem specific to me -- seemed all of his past relationships had an odd element. I'd be curious to know why your guy's last relationship was "emotional" -- whether someone was abusive, or whether he's an overly sensitive type who feels wronged and slighted often.

 

In my case, it finally came to a head because he wouldn't do any physical intimacy and I finally had to ask what was going on -- he gave me the same conflicted message as before, but I had to move on because I was getting too emotionally invested. My advice is to continue to have check-in talks with him and check in with yourself emotionally. I think when a relationship starts off in this manner, it's not going to just "get better" someday -- it's going to be a process of working through his issues -- you need to figure out whether or not you want to sign up for that.

 

Good luck!

[exhibitA]

Hi justnotsure

How long did you try to make a go of it?

I do think he's very sensitive to criticism and perceived slights, as there have been a few times where a stranger said or did something that was a bit rude but the kind of thing I'd let slide off my back and he would be clearly more bothered and take a while to get over it. My guess is that whomever he was dating was not so sensitive to his feelings and he's a bit sensitive and it just made for a horrible time. It also crossed my mind that the things that she did or said that were so hurtful may have been her lashing out because she felt similar to the way I feel now. That is, it's possible that she felt undesired or whatever and rather than deal with it she berated him. I really have no idea, though. But subsequently both his parents died after that. The guy sleeps with his mom's teddy bear - it's clearly affected him.

 

But what's confusing is that after our discussion about things, he seems more into spending time together and has suddenly decided I should meet his friends (he mentioned some other couple of friends he also wants me to meet next weekend). He's twice now acted very concerned that I was not interested in spending time together anymore. If you took the discomfort about phsyical intimacy out of the equation it would by all appearances look like he's into me. It's just very odd to me and I worry that I am making up excuses for some guy who will never really be more than a buddy and I'm just going to be delusional until I finally have to call it off. I'm just worried about getting really hurt in an attempt to be patient. On the other hand, maybe things will work out and it would be a shame to recoil and not give it a chance. I do have the patients and compassion to work through it with him. But only if that's what he wants. I don't know how to read any of this!

[Rosee]

He may have been hurt, haven't we all, but you may be allowing YOURSELF to get hurt by carrying on. Not that I take it as gospel but in the book he's just not that into you this was one of the chapters (lack of physical intimacy). I don't think you should put his needs before your own it should be equal.

[abitbroken]

Maybe say that you want to take it slow, too, and don't want to jump in bed with him right away, but that you enjoy kissing as a sign of affection and it doens't have to lead to making out and sex until you both are ready. But I understand the part about feeling undesired. There is a difference between a guy who obviously wants you, but you are both choosing to wait and a man who is afraid of making out. I think that you should see him if you enjoy his company and if he doesn't come around eventually, then maybe he is not ready for a relationship yet.

[Justnotsure]

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I WISH I would have known/done at the time.

 

First of all, try to get it out of your head that it's YOU or that he's "just not that into you" -- doesn't apply here. This is HIM, his stuff -- he wants to be with you and likes you -- that's not the issue. As such, of course he wants you to meet his friends and play the girlfriend role -- my guy did, too. This isn't about a guy who is super worried to commit to you - he just has major physical intimacy issues.

 

Second, don't necessarily crucify the ex girlfriend. Maybe she was insensitive, or maybe he put her through a roller coaster of emotions and nothing she did to "take care of" or "understand" his issues worked. Maybe she got frustrated. Maybe he pushed her away. Ask questions. Listen. Learn about his relationships with other exes and friends. This information is really important.

 

Third, communicate. He feels great now that you've talked! All of the pressure is off of him. But don't expect yourself to feel totally fine in a platonic relationship just because you know that it's not a lack of attraction. You're going to constantly feel rejected and insecure -- it's just natural when you're "dating" someone who won't touch you. It doesn't feel great - no matter the reason. So, you need to talk to him -- tell him that while you understand his issue and want to work through it with him, that has to involve work. And you are VERY correct in saying, you only want to work through it with him if it's what HE wants. He needs to be willing to make progress towards the goal of physical intimacy.

 

Some suggestions: suggest a movie night, where you just snuggle on the couch -- and it's understood there will be no sex. Then, plan a "no-sex sleepover" where he spends the night, but understood it goes no further. You get the idea. Build the intimacy in settings that are comfortable and take it a step at a time....

[exhibitA]

Maybe say that you want to take it slow, too, and don't want to jump in bed with him right away, but that you enjoy kissing as a sign of affection and it doens't have to lead to making out and sex until you both are ready. But I understand the part about feeling undesired. There is a difference between a guy who obviously wants you, but you are both choosing to wait and a man who is afraid of making out. I think that you should see him if you enjoy his company and if he doesn't come around eventually, then maybe he is not ready for a relationship yet.

 

Yes, I kind of tried to do this, but it seems even kissing is a problem for him. I don't know why. I am not interested in casual sex or jumping into bed with ppl, and he knows this. He did tell me, several weeks before we had this discussion, that he is really slow, especially about the phsyical stuff. I was fine with that, since at least there was some physical stuff. Then he just started getting squirrely about that. Right before we had the discussion, he had been kissing me good night regularly, and when he explained his nervousness about things leading to sex, he "at least" wanted a kiss. Next time we went out, there wasn't even a kiss, and I think that's part of why this is so hard. I am not sure why it was fine before and not now. It crossed my mind that maybe I have stinky breath or something. Really I cannot fathom what is so horrible about kissing me.

 

When we would go to movies or whatever, I would hold his hand, stroke his arm, just be affectionate, etc. I asked him how he felt about that stuff and he told me that he likes it, and that it's ok. Last time we saw a movie, however, I didn't instigate anything like that because I realized I feel uncomfortable now. Nobody wants to feel like someone is tolerating their physical affections, even if he *says* he likes it. That's when I got really sad about the whole thing. It is not really about sex, but I cannot develop affections for someone and feel foreclosed from expressing them. It feels horrible and cold.

[exhibitA]

Yeah, I will perhaps try to work with him. I realize it's his issue, but it's really screwing with my head. When we met his friends, he spent a lot of time putting his hand on my arm, etc, talking to his friends about all the stuff we've done together . . . If I were looking at it from the outside during that time, I would think we were two ppl dating. I would like to know what he told them we are doing. They knew a little about me when I met them, so he must hae told them something, but I don't know if it was "this is a woman I'm dating," or "I'd like you to meet a friend of mine." No clue, as I wasn't there for that. What he said in our discussion was that we should continue what we're doign but do "platonically." I don't know what the hell that means. I would think it means we're friends. But then he behaves in ways that are not consistent with just being friends.

 

I can't help feeling likle he just doesn't like me that much so I'm extremely confused abotu why he wants to get together more than an occasional lunch and why he wants me to meet his friends at all. It crossed my mind that he's dating someone else and wants to know for sure on one or the other before instigating sex, but he claims he is not dating anyone else. It also crossed my mind that my breath is horribly awful or something. Just can't wrap my head around this.

 

I would certainly feel better if he explained it more to me, but I'm uncomfortable pushing too much right now. I guess if I spend more time with him maybe I can do that, but in the meantime I have to figure out a way to come to terms with it because I really feel pretty awful now. I'm very close to telling him I can't do this because it just feels too sad and cold to me. I am not sure what reason I have to not call it off at this pt given how weird it is. Except . . . I really like him and don't want to close the door.

[jsd43953]

Exhibit,

 

I dont think it as bad as it seems. On the surface maybe looks that way but with me "we are known to be emotional introverted" so in essance he could feel for you totally but just not know how to show it or want to show it immediately. "Platonic dating" is not different than "casual" dating. Basically here is what it is: casual/platonic dating is when two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people. No it is not Friends with benefits although casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom.

 

With this said don't put all your eggs in one basket. You like him and he likes you so just vibe off one another. At the same time go out have a ball date other guys and live. One thing is for certain, you will be happy, and you are going to end up with someone you know is into you. Remember boys will be boys, a chicken becomes a rooster when there is another * * * * in the barn (saying my great aunt used to use..lol).

[exhibitA]

I hear you, but it's still unclear how this accounts for all the squirrely stuff with physical intimacy. You can kiss people you date casually.

I don't particularly have time to date much, really. I work a lot and have a lot of activities, and I have no objetion to dating multiple people, but I am currently not interested in anyone. Are you suggesting I should date someone else just to motivate him to get it together? That sound manipulative.

But I presumed all along that we are dating casually, as I've not even known him that long. But his behavior is a little weird for casual dating, in my opinion. I've never seen anything like it before. That isn't to say I'm jumping ship quite yet, but I don't feel that simply labeling it casual dating really captures much about what is going on here.