The dreaded milestone

[diarmuidz]

I didn't think it would last this long... when I went NC, I figured, maybe a week or two.... definitely a month tops before she'd reach out to me.

 

Today it is exactly 6 months that there hasn't been a word between us. Not. One. Word.

 

6 months of checking my inbox any chance I get to see if she did some me some email - hopefully something meaningful and emotional and asking for reconciliation ("Leaving you was a mistake... please take me back!") .... but who am I kidding, I would have been happy to get anything at all, even something bland, nonchalant and non-committal like a "Hey what's up?"

 

6 months of pining for her, of giving her space, letting the relationship and the breakup sink in. Sure, during the breakup I panicked and begged and pleaded and cried - but right after, I left her alone. Never any phone/email/text harassment, never any stalking, never any showing up unannounced.... nothing, except for waiting patiently, biding my time.

 

6 months during which her birthday passed, and I said nothing. She left the country for the summer for school, and I said nothing. I studied for and wrote my licensing exam (and got the passing score today), and I said nothing. I was offered and subsequently accepted a great residency offer, and I said nothing. So many life changes, big moments and little ones I would have liked to share with her and have her share her own with me.... and I said nothing.

 

6 months of missing her more deeply as time moves on. Knowing she is so close - a phone call and a short drive away, but not being able to see her. Of wondering if she misses me, if she thinks about me at all, if I cross her mind multiple times a day the way she crosses mine. If she remembers our best, closest, and most meaningful moments together, or if she tossed those memories out a long time ago.

 

6 months of hoping and praying she'll walk back into my life with the same ease she walked out of it. Of worrying whether or not she replaced me with someone else... of feeling nauseated and depressed when I would get spontaneous mental images of her with another man.

 

6 months of blaming myself, blaming her, deconstructing the relationship to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it.

 

6 months of tears, chest pain, loneliness, depression, fear, anxiety, hopelessness.

 

6 months NC.... but feels most like 6 years.

 

I WILL COME OUT OF THIS A BETTER MAN, EVENTUALLY... But for now, and for today, and for the foreseeable future, I miss my girl so much.

[Movinforward]

Hang in there my man, its tough as hell, but continue to do what you are doing. Over this course of time you are developing a skill set you may have not had before, and that is the ability to deal with a great loss in your life. I'm over a year of NIC, and over this time I have done the same as you and played the waiting game. Waiting for that phone call, waiting for that text, waiting for a sign that she is human too. It was just about 6 months when she reached out to me, but im not saying this for you to be hopeful for reconciliation. When I read your post i felt your pain. Not just for your loss, but because in the six months of your NC, its seems as if hoping for that little nugget has kept you from growing (like it did for me). Look at everyday not as a day where she might call, but a day which you can use to better yourself, and become a better version of you. Sounds like you have some amazing things going on professionally, and while i know how much you want to share it with her, its just not the case...and thats ok! Love yourself my man. Have some comfort in the fact that if she never comes back, one day you'll look back at this difficult time and laugh! You'll say to yourself, what a mess I was after that breakup! Time will heal your wounds for sure, and please be thankful for all that you have...make everyday a day to improve yourself and your life, and the lives of the people around you. Things happen for a reason, and this is an experience that will only make you a better person in the long run.

[misssparkle]

I'm sorry that your hurting so much.

 

It would help if you would stop counting the days since you last spoke with her.

Also take her off of the pedestal that you have her on. If she could leave you and never carry to check and see how you were doing, chances are she really isn't all that great. You miss what it was then, not what its like now.

 

STOP waiting and patiently biding your time. She isn't coming back and even IF she did after 6 months or probably much longer, you would want someone that needed 6 months to decide if you were "worthy of their love"? You deserve much better then that.

 

All your waiting did was prolong your pain. That girl has moved on with her life without ever looking back and instead of using NC to MOVE ON with your life you attempted to use it as a form of slight mental manipulation and ended up manipulating yourself in the end. Lesson learned NC is about moving on period. Its saying that if the ex doesn't call we won't be talking and moving on with your life dating and so on and so fourth. By the time the ex comes back your supposed to have been so moved on that you no longer care to share your life or your love with them.

 

Its time to pour all the hope down the drain and end the pity party. It sucks but breaking up is a part of life sometimes. Accept it.

As to all of your questions at the end of your post, take a deep breath, but it is highly likely that if any of those questions were answered it would hurt. Enough said about that.

 

I don't know how long you were together, but it sounds like you have some terrific things going on, enjoy THIS moment your living in. Screw the past.

[winniethepooh]

Hah, I could have written almost the same thing Not quite 6 months. And I did get one "whassup" email after a month (I replied, heard nothing more).

 

Blah.

 

Just keep going

[Eocsor]

It's not a sprint to heal, it's a marathon. Usually takes about a year to start to feel good after someone really significant goes and another to be totally over it. I'm almost two years out and I feel great. You'll get there too.

[EgoJoe]

I was told this when I wasn't getting any breadcrumbs, "You are lucky."

 

So I will say it to you.

[lonelyheart2]

wow that's really impressive that you have made it 6 months without breaking nc! How do you stop the temptation to reach out to her?

[winniethepooh]

How do you stop the temptation to reach out to her?

Well, for me, reading the stories from those who succumbed helps. And remembering that no matter what her response might be, the long-term outcome would not be what I'm looking for.

 

Anyway, the urge fades significantly after the first few weeks ... or months .

 

I was told this when I wasn't getting any breadcrumbs, "You are lucky."

Yes, much as we might want them to toss a few breadcrumbs, it is actually better for us if they don't.

[diarmuidz]

Thanks everyone....

 

Woke up feeling terrible today, missing her, thinking about her... but got on with my day. I still have goals - maybe it's a good thing she hasn't reached out yet, because I still need to improve in many dimensions and categories of my life. I was good when we were together - but my goal is to be amazing now. So amazing that when we meet again, her jaw should drop. She can kick herself for letting me go, and regret it to her hearts content. She can feel like she threw away a winning lottery ticket, because that's what I'll make myself.... a winner. And I would LOVE to see her try to find another man as good as me!!! (not trying to be arrogant or cocky, but I'm a pretty good catch by any standard). I can't believe I'm twisted over her - she was my first love and means the world to me... but damnit she LEFT! Doesn't she realize I have options too?? I can't wait till I stop missing her! Then I can give myself fully to someone who DESERVES me and what I have to offer.

 

At the end of the day, I still want to be with her... I still picture myself with her.. I still see us together. It hurts because I love her. But she broke us up, so I want her to reach out and make things right. I don't want breadcrumbs - I want the whole loaf!

 

Anyway, gonna go play basketball with some friends - intense cardio which is just a small part of the plan to be amazing. I guarantee it, her jaw will drop when she sees the new and improved me.

[diarmuidz]

wow that's really impressive that you have made it 6 months without breaking nc! How do you stop the temptation to reach out to her?

 

We emailed like 4-5 times in the first month post BU, and then met up at a conference where we talked about us and I asked her to come back to me. She resisted my appeals to her heart, her brain, her soul... everything. I went NC after, missing her and still do... I knew that anything I would do would jeopardize any chance we have.

 

i wanted to reach out to her so badly.... but I knew it wouldn't lead to anything unless she initiated and got the ball rolling. You want to resist the temptation to contact your ex? The truth is, if you want to reconcile, anything you do or say to your ex will only push her away. Don't give him/her a reason to move away from you anymore than they already have. DON"T REACH OUT - THEY RESPOND BY MOVING FURTHER BACK. Hasn't happened to me, but that's exactly what I envision would happen if I tried it.

[Scuza]

It's true. If they have just recently broken up with you, any attempt to bring them back right off the bat will only push them away.

It wasn't working for them at the time, so why would they want to start again when nothing's changed?

 

It's good to know you're improving, diarmuidz.

6 months of resisting temptation is quite a feat, congratulations!

[90_hour_sleep]

in retrospect...i discovered that i missed the idea of my exes more than i actually missed the person. rejection correlates to ego...and ego feels threatened by reality...so it pushes you into your head. it stirs the mental pot...and keeps you hooked with this running dialogue of thought...a mental movie almost. it's so subtle...but it's always there. it never stops playing. sometimes it's loud...unbearably loud. sometimes it's barely noticeable.

 

you could question this. whatever it is you're thinking...is it serving a purpose any longer? it might be. for instance...it might be pushing you towards a more sustainable emotional stability. or...maybe it's just keeping you stuck. inner resistance to the way things are. that's where pain comes from. i know it's hard. i was there for what felt like forever. just...refused to let go of the storyline. rejected the notion of an ending... though in my heart, i knew it was absolutely essential...right. i dunno. it's so strange...this world of attachment...fixation...clinging...and loss. how do we become so invested in things that cause us so much grief? and the craziest part is that we've been taught that this 'love' is so natural...normal. but is it?

 

who am i to say. but to me...it's not real. nothing real can be threatened. nothing unreal exists.

 

you'll get there. one step at a time.

[winniethepooh]

I still have goals - maybe it's a good thing she hasn't reached out yet, because I still need to improve in many dimensions and categories of my life. I was good when we were together - but my goal is to be amazing now. So amazing that when we meet again, her jaw should drop.

You know that by now, her reaction shouldn't really be your motivation for improvement, right ?

 

Still, if that's what keeps you going then whatever works eh?

[EgoJoe]

I got an email about 7 weeks ago now that said, "Things are tough but I am doing better. I am very busy and stressed with school and family. I hope you have moved on and are also in a better place."

 

I had been ignoring her for about six weeks prior to that because she failed to follow through and a number of other reasons. That simple sentence hurt. It hurt even more that she sent it at 3:30AM. It hurt because it's a fishing expedition, it hurt because I haven't and it hurt because she's oblivious to my feelings and has been for a long time...which I won't go in to.

 

I was told once that contact from an Ex isn't all it's cracked up to be...they were right. Don't do the whole mega macho when she sees me she'll be blown away. Do it for yourself and not for anybody else.

 

What is the difference you ask? You tell that little voice in your head to shutup and you repeat to yourself that your health your primary concern. I want to be better FOR me. I'm relating this story because I had a rough night last night. My own ego was harping at me and I needed reassurance etc. of things I already knew because the negativity was sinking in. I got some advice, got some sleep and I am doing better now.

[Doofus]

Why did it hurt that she sent it at 3:30 AM? I don't know if you have any reason to think she wants you back, but, if my ex sent me an email at 3:30 in the morning, I wouldn't be so pessimistic about my chances. She may not want you back, but anyone who sends an email at 3:30 in the morning is anything but settled. No kidding. And tell your ego.

[dabbledave]

To the OP,

 

I admire your discipline in going NC and sticking to it so soon after break-up, however it sounds like you never "let go" of your of your ex, which is why you are still stuck in love limbo.

 

For me "letting go" was a bridge I had to take to cross from LC to NC, for unless or until I "let go" NC was never an option for me.

 

So what does the cliche "letting go" entail in practice? Plenty of people would advise it, but I just didn't know how to "let go".

 

Well I had to figure that out for myself with the help of our ENA friends here. And I kind of documented my learning process on this thread here:

 

Check it out. It might help you. Because you really need to "let go" too.

 

Cheers,

 

DD