I broke up with her and now I feel awful.

[GoDevil]

Here is my story, it's long but I had to write down everything.

 

We had been dating almost six months, and what initially was magical and joyous (we could have fun doing anything, we were like best friends) turned into frequent fights where neither person would give in at all to help end the argument. One thing I have also discovered is how bad her temper is. She is physically violent and, in my opinion, abusive at times. Her temper and her PMS is unlike anything I have ever seen before, and she always just chalks it up to hormones and usually doesn't remember the extent of the things she has said and done in any particular episode. She doesn't feel like she has done anything wrong and takes no responsiblity for her actions at those times.

 

I have been trying very hard to work on my part of the fighting, by letting her be angry when she needs to be and not barking right back at her and making things worse. I also have been letting go of anger when I can because I know it always makes things worse. When she has PMS and says something that I usually would take much offense to, I try to let it roll off my shoulders because I think it's just her emotions getting the best of her. We had problems before where she told me that I invalidated her feelings. She told me that if she feels something then i should never say that its not right, or that she shouldn't feel something. I completely agreed with her and had begun to make great efforts to listen to her and understand her feelings, respect her feelings, and do what I could to be senstive to them.

 

This is where it is not fair for me, she is a firestorm of double-standards. She won't let me have my own feelings, she won't respect them, and against what she specifically said to me, she tells me when I am bothered or upset by something that I am being "immature" or a "dumbass". How could she be this way when she has told me not to do the exact same thing?? I don't understand

 

The day before I broke up with her we were out running errands and she said something in a sadistic joking manner that really hurt me deeply. When we met up back at the car she was MAD AT ME FOR BEING UPSET and walking off by myself for a few minutes in the store. I was crying in the car telling her how much she hurt me and she was, get this, laughing and telling me how immature and stupid i am, and basically mocking my emotions. She threw my phone at me as hard as she could and it bounced off my arm and shattered when it hit my car door. This whole incident hurt so bad emotionally, it was almost debilitating. Then later at home after i have stopped crying and her friend came over for dinner (nice 'n' awkward) she starts acting kind of sexual with me, which i wasn't ready for at all; i think she was trying to show off in front of her girlfriend who i think has a crush on me. Later that night when we were going to bed she wanted to have sex but I was completely turned off by her.

 

The next day she called me up like nothing had happened and sarcastically asked "So, do you have some residual anger from yesterday or something??" That's when I told her how I felt and ended it. She was shocked. I told her I really cared about her and she said, "Well apparently you dont care that much!". I told her, without pointing any fingers or blaming her for anything specific, that I was unhappy and couldn't go on this way any longer. The next day she came over while i was gone and took all her stuff.

 

I feel like I tried very hard to make things work, I did little sweet things for her all the time, like making her breakfast in bed, taking her out to dinner, complimenting her, and in general tolerating her vicious mood swings. Now I feel like complete crap and I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to her since that night when I broke up with her and I feel just terrible. I am so hurt that she hasn't called me to apologize for how she treated me, and for how abusive she has been lately. The whole thing makes me feel terrible and I just don't know what to do.

 

What do I do now? I feel so hurt and betrayed and it is just killing me. Please help me

[TearsofaDragon20]

you know GoDevil, we always sometime tolerate the others actions just for the fact that they sometimes need to let out what is bothing them. what she was doing was way the hell out of line. why be so abusive towards someone you love? it bothers me to hear that she did that and ill tell you why, woman out there (and guys do too) dont like to hear about relaitonship abuse. so would of it been fine for you to do those things if you were like that? no. not at all. you know some guys out there dont take that and would of handled that alot different. but it's good to know that you took the "rightful" actions and just let it go. we always try to salvage something form a realtionship that we think that we can get but in most reality we dont get it. and not because we dont deserve it, it's just not ment for us to get sometimes. im sorry that you went through that and how she treated your emotions was just disgusting beyond all belief. you dont do that to someone. you dont toy or mock others emotions. emotions are priceless and are not to be messed with. dont feel bad GoDevil, you did something that was right. nothing at all bad. you got out of a relationship that could of been life threatening for who knows. well it will hurt for some time but you will get over it and you will heal. take care and tell me how you're holding up there. later man.

[toolgirl150]

oh lordy - you do not need that kind abuse. I'm female and I know all about mood swings and outbursts. But this sounds above and beyond. She is unstable and has issues far beyond anything to do with you. I can honestly say, I have not always been perfect with my emotions with people, but I (and most people with their head on straight) can stop themselves and say, oh my god, what am I doing? I think the big indicator that she really doesn't give a lick about you and your feelings is when she was laughing at you in the car. I've cried many a times and I'll tell you, when a man ever cries for me, god - I just turn to jelly. Most women who care for someone do. This woman does not care for you. She thinks she can treat you like a doormat and then get all sexy with you and everything will be fine.

 

Trust yourself - your gut - you don't need that kind of abuse. And stick to your guns. It will be very very hard in the beginning - but you can do it. Hang out with friends, stay busy. You can do this.

[GoDevil]

Thanks for your help guys, I am figuring out some stuff now.. Apparently she thinks that if she's angry she can say anything she wants and it doesn't really mean anything because she does it "in the act of anger". That just ain't how it works. If I had spoken my mind in its entireity during that incident I think she would still be running full speed in the opposite direction in fear hehe.. I guess no one ever told her that she is responsible for everything she says and does regardless of her emotions at that time. I have a very good memory and I remember every single word she says and everything she does.

Well knows that taking me for granted was a BIG mistake hopefully... It makes me wonder what would have been next if I didn't act on it.. Never seen such anger problems before, crazy stuff. Has anyone ever been able to successfully deal with a partner's insane anger issues before? Thanks again for all your help