Post things you have learned after a break up

[prada]

I have learnt that you cant force someone to love you.

 

I learnt that no matter how much i love you, doesnt change the fact that u dont love me.

[KYRiverGrl]

I learned that the only true love comes from within.

[RastaPasta]

I learned that you have to love yourself first and be comfortable with being alone before you can be in a successful relationship.

[LDRohnos]

Look before you leap.

[somethngwrng]

Never compromise your self respect for anyone.

[BrianH46]

In the end we end up how we started out, strangers

[Thorshammer]

(That) Experience is the worst teacher, it gives the test before the lesson.

--Vernon Law

[hausser]

Cool thread.

 

Biggest lesson I have learnt is to see the warning signs before a BU, the distancing, loss of sex etc and try and work on them before it gets too late.

[hausser]

(That) Experience is the worst teacher, it gives the test before the lesson.

--Vernon Law

 

Cruellest maybe, but IMO still the best! : )

[somethngwrng]

Cool thread.

 

Biggest lesson I have learnt is to see the warning signs before a BU, the distancing, loss of sex etc and try and work on them before it gets too late.

I honestly think when that point has been reached, it's too late. I noticed those things happening well in advance and there was nothing I could do to change them really. I talked with her about them and all it did was add extra pressure to an already failing relationship. I think the only thing you can do is give space. Lots of it - as in, get out before they do and save yourself the heartache.

[dobbin]

a successful life long relationship demands equal efforts from both sides otherwise it's doomed for failure

[hausser]

I honestly think when that point has been reached, it's too late. I noticed those things happening well in advance and there was nothing I could do to change them really. I talked with her about them and all it did was add extra pressure to an already failing relationship. I think the only thing you can do is give space. Lots of it - as in, get out before they do and save yourself the heartache.

 

You know you're right, I tried to talk about it as well and like you, just added more pressure.

[Eocsor]

After the breakup I learned that theres nothing quite like a really good pastrami on rye.

[journeynow]

I learned to join eNA.

 

And in doing so, I learned I'm not alone in what I've been through.

[HoliPoli]

I learned that I'm still learning.

 

I learned that people make mistakes.

 

I learned that everything I'm learning I knew all along, but wasn't applying to my current situation.

[Goodfellas]

I learned that I'm not alone.

 

I learned that LDRs are difficult.

 

I learned that loving yourself is more important than being loved by someone else.

 

I learned that just because this one failed, does not make me a failure.

 

I learned that people change. Plain and simple.

[Hope2011]

I learned that moving on hurts but if you invite yourself to change, it happens ever so slowly.

 

I learned that many mistakes creates pain and that it only hurts yourself.

 

I learned that that saying 'I love you' when you mean it is powerful but during the begging stage, just pushes your ex away.

 

I have learned the most powerful thing in my break-up (be being the dumpee) that how you treat yourself reflects how you treat the one you love.

 

Commandment One to any relationship:

Know thy self before knowing thy spouse

- Love your own skin before you put more 'lovable' weight onto yours.

[GreenCupcake]

I learned that my gut instinct is extremely powerful and I shouldn't ignore it. Ever. At least when it comes to relationships.

[Carus]

*Never make someone else the centre of your world and happiness*

 

*Never reward bad behaviour*

 

*If they leave for someone else ~ Disappear*

 

*You are never alone*

 

And

 

*When you're going through Hell ~ Keep Going!*

 

The actual list of lessons I've learnt from that naztee event is too long to post here*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[carlay31]

Look at how they treated their past partners before you make any more decisions.....

[jumper11]

I learned to join ENA, or talk to a family member who saw it from a different perspective (mine was a weird case where it was just his family issues and him having mommy issues and not specifically between the two of us)

 

- I learned ONLY to write emails when you're in a calm loving state in the reconciliation stage - it is too easy to unload and gush - best to stay logical, calm but loving.

 

-That most of the time, they do love us, but for whatever reason either not in love or oddly in my case he was literally setting me free so he thought.

 

- That my ex joined a forum too, did a lot of what I did. And that yes, the dumper goes through dumpee stages BEFORE the dumping - so they DO get a head start. He lost 15 pounds week before the break up, I lost 15 pounds week of breakup.

 

-Giving space is the best thing you can do. He admitted to going through a 'cold stage' - no feelings - this is usually when the dumpee begs - WORST IDEA

 

-That its nearly impossible to get back together EVEN IF you love each other and want to - you almost NEVER get on the same page at the same time - me and my ex are not together but working on it, man it's 6 months of emotional drain - it is not easy... I didn't take him back when he came back, then I came back, so on. Takes a long time. For anyone reading this wanting reconciliation, please know its a lot of work, pain, and time - and requires so much support.

 

-That sometimes the dumper needs the go ahead from you to ask you back - cowardly or not. NC only works to give space and heal. It rarely gets them to blurt out I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME BACK NOW. I got 40 times of contact in only 60 days.. but kept nc. Wrong idea. Want a specific form of contact? Don't count on it. I wanted a phone call, didn't get it until *I* reached out.

 

-You always see the truth after a long road of healing. And that no one is perfect. People can change, people have choices. Choices to leave. And they're free to do so. It's the risk you take when you give your heart. But it's worth it. I dated someone after my ex. I know that the love with my ex is real. We are always drawn to each other, even a year after the breakup. He's not perfect. But I want what brightens my life. That the dumpee also has choices. And that they're free to do so

[RitaTrue]

Look at how they treated their past partners before you make any more decisions.....

 

You mean in deciding whether you should date them or not?

 

As for me I learned:

 

--you MUST love and respect yourself in order for your relationship to be successful. Period.

 

--Be yourself. Changing yourself for another person is fruitless. In the end, you'll end up confused and resentful. And THEY'LL only end up loving a lie.

 

--Pay attention to the red flags. Listen to your intuition.

 

--Work on yourself. Become better. Never let yourself sit in the patheticness that your ex just left. Be better than that. You want to give the next person something better to look forward to, than what your ex left behind.

[Springs]

I have learnt that sometimes love is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

I have learnt that I do not love and value myself enough to accept that I am the most important thing in my life.

 

I have learnt never to centre my happiness around someone else, never rely on someone else and never change my life for someone who would not do the same for me.

 

I have learnt the value of family and friends and truly appreciating those who I know will not leave me.

[Goodfellas]

I have learned/learnt from this thread that 'learned' and 'learnt' are two different ways of spelling the same thing.

[wannadoitright]

Look at how they treated their past partners before you make any more decisions.....

 

That is lesson #1

 

We were on a rooftop bar. He made me feel like the hottest thing to walk the earth. Then we got talking about past relationships. There have to have been at least 8 significant women in his past. Two of them were "insane and selfish and needy" because they didn't understand how busy he was. For heavens sake he was a medical student! How could they expect him to spend time with them when he was "oh so busy!"? he lamented. I felt odd in my stomach and even asked him if there is anything he could have tried to do to at least make them feel like they mattered. He mumbled something very non-chalantly.

 

Then there was the most recent ex who "cheated on him". Lord knows what really happened. They were together for 2 years and broke up a month before he started dating me. I chose to ignore this because I felt my emotions were completely under my control.

 

Lesson #2...you can't actually control how deep your feelings for someone will become. Don't jinx yourself feeling like a "hard babe".

 

He blocked her from his phone and smirked at how crazy she became using new e-mail accounts to try to contact him. Maybe I would have been more rational if I hadn't accepted that she "cheated". I asked him if he was rebounding and he said "no".

 

Lesson #3....No one ever says "oh certainly! I am on the rebound!" **covers face in shame**

 

Fast forward 9 weeks. It had gone from fun-filled nights on the town to two sleep overs a week and finally to NOTHING. I initiated a panic break up the week he never bothered to see me at all. And the he.............BLOCKED ME!

 

One month later, he has another lil honey in his arms while I'm still here trying to accept that this is actually not a dream.

 

When I finally forgive myself for compromising my sanity, I'll NEVER lose these lessons.

 

~wannadoitright