A question for the men out there.

[cassiana]

Dear men,

 

I know that women are just as bad as men in this game but i'm hoping you can help me.

alot of my friends and myself have been dumped for no apparent reason. Why do men do this?

One friend was dumped and then he asked her to take him back nine months later. So how could she be not for him then and suddenly nine months later, with no contact in between, shes the one. (They are married now).

My other friend dumped her boyfriend because every weekend he made up excuses to get out of spending time with her. A year and a half later he won't leave her alone.

Another girl I work with was stood up at the altar and seven months later he wants her back.

My ex had booked a week away for us but two weeks before he dumps me. Two days later he tells a friend he screwed up. TTwo weeks ago I email him a joke and he emails one back. Two days I send him another and he ignores it.

I'm not criticising men here, its just I'm a woman and I've noticed this phenomenon and just want to understand it. I miss my ex like crazy and I'm looking for some hope that he too will see the light so i'm asking the experts on men, men.

By the way my Ex has M.E and I'm very sure he dumped me because he was panicking over exams. He didn't admit that to me though. Could this be a pride or embarrassment thing rather than hate cassiana thing. Neither of us has ever said a bad word to each other.

Please guys help.

[Beec]

It's all about how they feel. And human psychology is somewhat complicated.

 

In the case of relationships, it has a lot of do with the combination of what the person gives them as far as emotional fulfillment, how needy the person is, and how much they think the person will be there for them.

[cassiana]

But how can they decide one day that the woman isn't doing that and then nine months later decide the opposite.

My ex told me as he dumped me that had been nothing but supportive and that he always thought of me as someone with a sunny disposition. Now he ignores my emails. I waited 4 and half months to contact him. By no stretch of the imagination do I come accross to him as needy. He screwed up and he knows it.

What I don't understand is the volte -face. One guy told my friend that he didn't see her in his future. He was very cold towards her. It was out of the blue. Then nine months later he wants her back. What changed his mind? Why does it happen so often?

[hitek_rednek]

As a man guilty of the above crimes, I can only say that it is the old "Grass is greener" thing. Yes, the guy may have feelings for you, and those feelings may be very strong, but they start thinking "I Wonder" and eventually want to find out if just maybe, there is something better. It has nothing to do with what the female did most times, it's just the guy wondering. I guess it's better than him cheating on you, although it doesn't make it right, or make the hurt any less. Best advice I can give is not to blame yourself, and just simply move on, perhaps you will find something better as well, and if not, well you know he's going to come back eventually, then it's a decision of yours to make, as to whether or not you trust him. Once bitten twice shy, ya know.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[cassiana]

I'm a 5ft 6" blueyed blonde with great legs a narrow waist and a large bust. I would be considered attractive and i know this sounds like I think i'm marvellous but I don't, i'm just being honest because I'm heartbroken and want some hope.My family call me a freak of nature because I look about 7 years younger than I am.I work as a teacher and I was never late for a date. I'm very witty and a little shy. I thought he was great. .I knew he had no money, had M.E and was way behind in his career and despite all that and they way he has behaved I would take him back in a heartbeat. I know that M.E makes life hard for him but I am healthy thank God and could have shouldered any difficulties. I listened when he talked about it but I made sure not to be his nurse because thats patronising. I never even got irritable. Once he spillt a bottle of water over my jeans and he was mortified and I only laughed. I bought him a very thoughtful birthday gift and he was touched because I had found out his birthday without him knowing it. I even bought him a valentine's gift. I do not drink or smoke and love to drive. Like him I like hillwalking, music, concerts, films and comedians.

 

How long does it take a guy to realise that maybe what he had is better than those faraway green hills?

[hitek_rednek]

Yes, you do sound like an attractive woman, and could probably have any man you wanted. It sounds like this guy is insecure with himself and having M.E (not sure what that is though), and feels like you are too good for him. It's his issue, not yours, you've done what you could, there is no more for you to do now but wipe the tears and step forward with life. I'm sorry this sounds so cold hearted, but it's reality in my opinion anyway. As far as guys getting over the greener pastures thing, it never happens, we just grow up and don't act on it any longer, but I would say that 98% of all guys out there live with the philosophy of "just because i'm on a diet doesn't mean i can't look at the menu". It's not a bad thing, unless they are too immature and act on it, and expect the woman to be sitting there waiting when they are done playing, that's not how life works.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[cassiana]

People always say to me that i could have every man I want and it makes me want to cry because any man I ever wanted, didn't want me. I want this guy and he won't even send me a lousy email. So I can't have any man I want. i'm 36 and I want children and while every friend I have has a husband or boyfriend who thinks I'm great nobody ever wants me to be their girlfriend and sometimes i'm so lonely I think about killing myself. What is so wrong with me. i have never been anything but nice to guys and I do look after myself and look good. Don't you think people like me have any feelings at all? My ex was shocked that I got upset when he dumped me.Did he think I had no feelings just because i'm built like a barbie doll. Halle Berry said that beauty had spared her nothing in life. While im not in her league i can identify. Just because i'm attractive guys think that i'm too good for them or will dump them or won't feel it when they dump me.Well that's not true. i'm the one that's crying as I type, he is not.

[hitek_rednek]

Well you need to knock off that suicide thinking, that's going to do nothing for you at all, and is a real cop out way of doing things. You are smarter than that, and know better than that. Perhaps you are trying to hard, I don't know. I can say from experience that those built like barbie are the hardest to approach. I would probably be intimidated by your looks and think that there is no way I'd ever be in your league. But, not all men are like myself. I really think that when the right one comes along, you'll know it. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all in this relationship, and you have no need to blame yourself, just remember that what goes around comes around, and he'll get his hurt for hurting you. That may not be what you want, but it'll happen nonetheless. I am in no way a religious person, and I know it's hard to believe, but things in life do happen for a reason, and we may never know that reason, and if we do know, we might think it's bs, but hey, we live until we die, and we have to deal with what's handed to us. I lost somone very important to me as well, it wasn't a spouse, but it was my son when my ex and I broke up. He is now 1000 miles away and the hurt is no less now than it was the day she left with him, so I know about missing someone you love, but I have to go on, and make the best of it, and hope that one day, things get better in that situation. That's exactly what you need to do, pull yourself up, look in the mirror, tell yourself that you are beautiful, and you are a desirable person, and to hell with those that don't want to be with you. Put a smile on your face and I'll be you'll be greeted with the same. And hey, maybe what your looking for has been right under your nose the whole time. It just takes a new outlook on the situation. You are a Taurus (birthday one day after mine), so I know you are a strong willed and minded purpose, now use it to your advantage.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Sister go read some relationship books.

 

Read "Men who cant love" and see if your ex fits the mold.

Read "Women who love too much" and see if you fit the mold

 

And there's many more out there.

 

There are many causes for this wishy-washyness in men. (But don't think Women are imune to it either.) I'll explain 2 that I know of:

 

1)The commitmentaphobe. Look at all the women who believe that their ex/bf/husband is a commitmentaphobe:

 

link removed=cm_cr_dp_2_1/104-1155333-3440706?%5Fencoding=UTF8&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER

 

Be careful not to assume or read into it. You're bf may not be, but if he is you better run for the hill.

 

 

2) FEELINGS CHANGE! It's so funny how people can't see this. But I'm not talking to you specifically. And I'm no trying to say this in a pesimistic way. EVEN IF he doesn't have feelings for you, the right circumstances might bring him back to you. Not realzing that feelings change is the very reason that men get to relationship lazy and people tell other people to "give up hope" when it comes to getting back your ex.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice on how to proceed (if you don't get any I can take a stab at it), but maybe this will help you understand 2 of the MANY reasons that relationships are like the weather here in Ohio.

[ComputerGuy]

Well I really can't say what the deal is there, cause I'm the exact opposite of that, and I'm trying to figure out why this happens to me......sorry I can't be of much more help. All I can think of is that the men are commitment phobes and finally realise that they need to get over it. As I said, I don't undertstand it myself.

[cassiana]

On valentines day he bought me a dozen red roses and said that I well deserved them. On April 3rd he says that he has little sympathy for me and even takes a certain vindictive delight in this because he had been treated that way by girls. He then said he felt bad. A week ago I got a joke email and now he is ignoring me.I can't cope with this.

[hitek_rednek]

Your best bet is no contact with him at all, just get rid of him completely. Block his emails, don't accept his calls or IM's, and move forward. I know that is easier said than done, and I wish I could physically help you through it. You don't need the frustration, anxiety, and hurt that he is causing you. Life will put you on enough roller coasters without you standing in line for one yourself.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

hey redneck

 

Why do you use display the confederate flag? I'm not attacking you. I have some friends that do it sorta of an assoiciation of the south. Is that why you do it? Do you think others do it out of racism?

 

Thanks

 

james

[cassiana]

I did no contact for four and a half months. Then people were advising me to give it a try. especially as he had been so fond of me and had expressed regret. When I sent him an email, he responded and I thought that my strategy might be working. Now he is ignoring my emails. What prompted him to reply eight days ago and now he has stopped. I would have understood if he never replied to the first one but he did.

[hitek_rednek]

Wishy washy is no good, you are to mature to deal with that. You know what you want in life...someone to love you for you, and stand by your side no matter what. You DO NOT have that in him, not at all. This guy is not the end of the world, there are a lot of us out there who are exactly what you are looking for. He has no idea what he wants, but he wants to make sure that you are in such a state of turmoil that the minute he snaps his fingers you'll be there. It's a game he's playing, and you are the game piece. Stop being a game piece. If you MUST talk to him, call him or email him and tell him that once and for all, this is what I want, you are who I want it with, can you do that, yes or no. Don't let him give you any BS about it either, it's a simple yes or no question that needs no further explanation. If it is no, then it is no, if it is yes, then you must be the strong person and tell him that this game is over, completely, forever. Tell him that you are not going to be a puppet on a string, and he has to accept that or move along. It's a hard thing to do, I know, but it has to be done.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[cassiana]

I don't think he is playing a game. He doesn't have alot of confidence. He spent two years in his early twenties too sick to work or even watch TV. He didn't know what was wrong with himself for awhile and he had to cope with becoming seriously underweight. While we were dating he was embarrassed by his thinness. To be honest I couldn't see the problem. Sure he was thin, but I found him very attractive. When he told me he had M.E (chronic fatigue stndrome) he looked afraid that I would reject him. I didn't care,it was him I liked. I said that though he had had a rough time, he now knew something about himself that some people wait a lifetime to learn. He knew he could cope with tough times. He was worried about doing his law exams at 32 in a class full of 25yr olds. I don't think he ever really had a real relationship with anyone before me.

[hitek_rednek]

Well I have given you everything I know of and to be honest with you, it doesn't sound like you want advice. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it seems that you are seeking sympathy rather than ideas. I am out of ideas, so I guess I will leave this to someone else to advise you on. I wish you the best with it and the rest of your life.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[cassiana]

Well im sorry that you are angry with me. The truth is I do follow advice. I contacted my ex after four and a half months on the advice of Beec. What you say about game playing makes sense and it could be true. Its just that the whole M.E thing means that there could be other issues at play here. While behaviour falls into general patterns all situations are different and I'm just afraid that if I don't give the full story you won't be in a position to give your best advice. As for sympathy, of course I want it. In the everyday world I get up make myself look as well as I can and go out and do my job. Tonight i'm going on a date with a guy. Tomorrow I'm going to see another guy, I'm doing my best. But here is where I go when I feel low or scared or that this is all too much. Some people might get drunk or whatever, I go here. Here i repeat myself over and over again and I feel alot better if someone says you poor thing, whats so wrong with that? I would do the same for you.I know you don't know the answer, how could you, you don't even know where i'm from or what my ex is like but the fact that you took an interest made me feel better.

[stomacstress]

Hey Cassiana, you may want to read this to see if it can help you.

 

link removed

 

Once you've read it, tell me what you think about it. How long were you two together?

 

This is really weird: I am reading you and you write things that are really similar to what my ex-girlfriend is saying. I just broke-up with her two weeks ago, but I haven't been willing to tell her all I'm thinking about (because I am still not sure about it yet...)

 

I don't know you, and I don't know where you are from, and because of that it makes it easier to communicate...

[hitek_rednek]

Cassiana, I'm not angry with you, and I wasn't when I wrote that post either. I understand you are hurt, but it just seemed like every idea I through at you, you shot down. No, obviously I don't know 100% of the situation, all I know is what you have written, and I did my best to come up with possible starter solutions for you, and you seemed to disregard them all. You are right, I definitely could have worded my post differently, in a kinder manner, and I should have, but I didn't, so that's now dust in the wind. You say you get up, make yourself look good and go on with the "happy facade". That is exactly what you need to do, all day, every day, and eventually, it will become routine, and before you know it, it will no longer be a facade. I wish you the best of luck on your dates, let me know how they turn out. If I wasn't very happily engaged, and lived anywhere near you, I'd take you out for a drink and tell you stupid jokes all night to make you laugh and have a good time, not because I was looking to get anything out of it, or even start a relationship, simply because I have a soft spot for upset women. I was raised that women should be cherished, honored, and respected, and I just don't like to see any female cry or hurt. Again, I wish you the best, and let me know how it all turns out.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[cassiana]

Dear hitek-redneck

 

Thanks for your reply. I woud have liked the drink but I live in Europe, but maybe next time I'm in America. I've driven accross it twice, great place, nice people. Glad to hear that your life is going well. I know I shot down your suggestions. I'm a very over-analytical person and i've been obssessed with this problem for months without coming to any conclusions. The thing is we can never know another person's mind for definite so you can pick holes in anyone's argument.I get so frustrated, it was such a good match you know.

there has been a developement. Yesterday, Friday, he sent me an email first thing in the morning. He thanked me for my jokey emails and said they were hilarious. Then he told me that he was back at work after his course, that he was off to Italy on the 25th of September to his sister's wedding. He told me that his work finished in December and that he planned to take time off to travel. He wished me a nice weekend. Now he is a very analytical person too so every line he wrote would be carefully weighed.

my interpretation of the note was that he was making it quite clear that I don't figure in his immediate plans.

The thing is I was well aware of these plans all through our relationship but didn't see how they affected our relationship. people go off to war for 18months and they don't need to dump or divorce.

I think that he is very selfish and wanted to cut off all hassle while he goes off and finds himself.

I also think that despite this i'm in a better position than I was on thursday because now I can write back. He is selfish and confused and immature. I think it might be possible to make him think that he is missing out. He is prone to jealousy and self-pity and I hope to use these to my advantage. I will email him a bright and breezy reply on Monday afternoon alluding to a great weekend but vague on who I was with.

Meanwhile I went on a second date with a guy last night and I'm going on a first date with a guy tonight. I'm keeping every option open.

I might meet someone else which would be great but that aside do you think my strategy with my ex will pay off?

[cassiana]

Dear Stomacstress

 

We were together for three months.I read that article and I think we were as far as the second phase only. It was all great dates and good company. We often went away for weekends. However you can only learn so much about someone in three months. He didn't realise that there was more to me than he had seen. He was shocked when I got angry at being dumped as i was never even mildly annoyed while we dated, but Heck I was happy, I wasn't repressing it. I'm an incredibly easy-going person, exceptionally so. I don't sweat the small stuff. However when Its something important or people impose once too often on my good nature I get really really angry.I don't smash things and I son't name call but I have a way of stating the facts that cuts to the bone. So despite the fact the fact that i never insulted him I left my ex feeling thoroughly bad about himself and what he had done.

The question your article asks, was there things wrong in the relationship?

Well I try not to be too negative when dating, nobody is perfect so all I had were mininiggles.

His eyes filled up with tears twice, but on both occasions he was talking about his illness and on one occasion how he felt that his siisters were more concerned about how his illness affected their image.

when I asked him how he was, he would tell me that he was tired.

He was big into health food, resting, massage etc. I know he was recovering from M.E and needed to be careful, which I approve of, but there was the feeling that he was wrapping himself up in cotton wool.

I met all his friends and family but he never met any of mine. I think that was partly my fault becuae I'm shy and let him take the lead anyway. Also the way he talked and acted through our relationship made me think that all that would happen in the fullness of time.

On one occasion he texted me while he was in town shopping on a saturday saying he was going home but would be back in to meet me later. I texted him to say I was in a coffeeshop in town with my female best friend and would he like to pop in and say hi. He said another time. There never was another time. What bothered me (mini niggle) about that was, well I had made a huge effort with his family and friends and he couldn't be bothered just to stick his head in. But I know that after shopping he was going to have a lie down before meeting me.

Every weekend he planned something nice for us to do and one weekend he panicked because there was nothing on. I said why don't we just rent a movie or go to the pub, but he wouldn't have it. Sometimes I wonder did he over exert himself and felt too tired to cope. If he did, he did it to himself.

You say that your Exsays similar thing to me but you cannot tell her yet what you are feeling. What are you feeling?

[hitek_rednek]

Well, glad to hear you had a decent weekend. Yes, I am very analytical as well, so we very well must have bumped heads on this, especially both being Taurus's. Anywho...I don't think reciprocating the pain and frustration is the best bet, it is simply lowering yourself to his level, which you are above. I would say to give him no information at all. If you must write back to that email, simply thank him for sending it, congratulate him on his successes, and wish him the best. Keep it short and simple, with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. Making him double think his actions is only going to get you hurt again in the long run, simply because he may actually decide to get back with you, and then 3 months or so down the road, it's the exact same story. Let hiim find himself, choose his path, and live his life. If it were truly meant to be, once he has accomplished this, and got the "play" out of his system, you very well may end up knowing a totally different him, one you may or may not like, and it may work out at that time. As it stands right now, you are setting yourself up for disaster again. I would definitely just say to keep it short and cold with him, and don't even let him think or know that you give a damn about what he's doing or who he's doing it with, and most of all, keep your private life totally out of his head.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[liferedo]

Cassiana,

 

I wouldnt reply to the email at all. Start strict NC immediately. It helps. It really does. It will helpl you to heal and get on with your life. It will do the same for him. If by chance sometime down the road after all this, your paths cross again, then so be it.

 

By replying to his email, your leaving him a glimmer that the grass is still growing were he has already walked. And that at some point when he returns you could end up being the greener grass. So I would cease all contact with him.

[stomacstress]

Dear cassiana,

after 3 months with him, you know him well enough to be able to tell when he gets too tired because of M.E. So stories like the missed meeting with you at the shopping mall are irrelevant, as you know. (It's all 'mini niggle' as you call it.) If he had you meet his family, he must have like you very much. And you still like him very much since you are heartbroken and you are still posting on this website. Both of you are very nice (he planned activities every weekend, you bought his birthday gift, etc...). And I am sure he does not hate you.

Now the part that doesn't work for your relationship is that both of you have a very low self esteem (you ask yourself "what is so wrong with me?", he was afraid you would reject him when he told you he had M.E.). This alone already makes it very difficult to work because none of you has the strength to make the relationship move forward. He has little experience at relationships and sees you as having a lot of experience. But you have never understood why you couldn't get the men you wanted; so you really haven't learned from your relationships, you don't have relevant experience, and you only got hurt.

This perception he has of you makes him fear that you will take too long to commit (or never commit to a serious relationship). He fears too that you might start looking elsewhere if he can't give you all you want (and that's what you're doing too! Your strategy with your ex will NOT work because you are proving his fears are right – that's actually what makes him run away.). He probably feels manipulated because of all these things you do. All these fears probably became unbearable and he gave up when he had to endure the extra pressure of his exams. You say you were happy, did you ask him if he was happy? (I bet now he would say 'no'.) You two stopped at the second stage of the relationship because of the lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage (low self esteem) and issues with commitment.

Your self-esteem is noticeably centered in perception of your body image, with attractiveness being very important. As noticed by hitek_rednek, you are seeking sympathy (poor you!). You use a lot of theatrical images such as "i'm the one that's crying as I type", "I think of killing myself" (please get some help, fast!). You ask for the opinion of others and follow advice (as you said). You overreact to some events (such as thinking that hitek_rednek was angry at you). You have a personality type called histrionic. You can search Google to find out what it is exactly, you will see that the description matches my observations. I am sure that your ex noticed this personality of yours, and although he might not have been able to explain it, it must have scared him away. And stating to him the facts that cuts to the bone certainly made him panic. You didn't mean any harm, just understanding - but he certainly took it as being very offensive.

You need someone to help you get a strong self esteem and see yourself as you really are, a nice, good looking, smart and lively woman. And you might also want to write to your ex and ask him to try to improve his self esteem, this would be a much better strategy. I think both of you should get psychological help and check all this.

Sometimes, men will go back to their ex because they have changed their self image. That makes them see themselves and their ex in a completely different way, and they suddenly realise that their girlfriend is the one... But if your ex doesn't come back to you, you are not the one who will be able to convince him to come back (only he can). I agree with the others, leave him alone. You should respect his decision, stop worrying about it, and move on.