Just so confused about what I want

[JT4266]

My gf and I broke up last Wed after almost 2.5 years together. We had been living together for a few months.

 

The reason for the breakup is betrayal and lies on my part. Over the last 3-4 months of our relationship I had maintained a profile in an online dating site and would check out other women, flirt online and even went as far as to meet a couple for drinks. My gf discovered this last Sunday and I admitted to some of this, lying to do damage control. On Wed before Thanksgiving the rest came out and she left me. She is planning on moving out of the apartment this weekend and moving in with a friend. I am staying with my parents for the time being.

 

She loved me so much...she wanted marriage and a future with me. She was able to even see a glimmer of hope for us before Wed. She still wants to believe that things can work out(we've talked on the phone a few times). And there is just a gigantic part of me that wants to fight with all of my heart and soul for our relationship. But I also have to deal with what I was doing and why. I've started therapy - if not for this relationship then a future one.

 

I'm also out of work on disability due to a knee surgery. So I've had a lot of time to sit and write and think and be miserable. I'm feeling so many emotions its like you put them into a dryer and they tumble around in my heart and stomach. I'm so ashamed and guilty over how I betrayed her and how I wasn't honest. I'm sad over how much she is hurt. I'm hurting because I miss her and still love and care for her very much.

 

So here I am lost and confused. Asking myself a lot of questions. Can our relationship still work out? Am I really in love or do I just love her and care about her and that's why I'm hurting? I know during our relationship I felt a lot that the grass is greener and that I sometimes thought about breaking up and seeing whats out there. That's what led me to do what I did.

 

What I did was really horrible. I need to start doing the right thing. I want to be honest with myself. Is this heartache and pain because I have to mourn the loss of a good relationship that wasn't meant to be? Does it mean I need to make every effort to show her how much I care and hope that we can try to heal the damage I did? I'm just having a hard time knowing what I want. I know people say when you've met the right one you just know....is it just that simple that she's not the right one?

 

I know with my actions many of you will feel that I should just let her go......

[Tuffly]

When I was a kid and I didn t care for my things, my parents punished me by taking them away. I didn't hear you talk about how much you love her. You talked about how much she loves you and how you're not sure you love her. While your pain is very real, your reaction is similar to an immature child that got a toy taken away. Take your therapy seriously.

[LoveSoDeep]

This is hard, b/c I've been on her side of this. But really if several times you thought there might be something better out there and then finally after 2.5 years you acted on it, then either she is not the perfect match for you or you just can't committ to anyone right now.

 

If you go back to her the chances that this will happen again are good, not b/c she's not an amazing perosn and not b/c you're not a great guy but b/c somehow you feel sometihng is missing with her and you've felt it before...trust me you'll feel it again.

 

You need to find the person who when you are with them this thought of "the grass is greener" never crosses your mind (at least not to the point you consider doing anyhitng about it). And maybe therapy will help you get to that place personally but you can't ask her to wait around. You need to let her go.

[loulou37]

lesson learnt...unfortunately the hard way :s

 

loulou x

[Raaawr]

My gf and I broke up last Wed after almost 2.5 years together. We had been living together for a few months.

 

The reason for the breakup is betrayal and lies on my part. Over the last 3-4 months of our relationship I had maintained a profile in an online dating site and would check out other women, flirt online and even went as far as to meet a couple for drinks. My gf discovered this last Sunday and I admitted to some of this, lying to do damage control. On Wed before Thanksgiving the rest came out and she left me. She is planning on moving out of the apartment this weekend and moving in with a friend. I am staying with my parents for the time being.

 

You have destroyed her trust in you.

 

She loved me so much...she wanted marriage and a future with me. She was able to even see a glimmer of hope for us before Wed. She still wants to believe that things can work out(we've talked on the phone a few times). And there is just a gigantic part of me that wants to fight with all of my heart and soul for our relationship. But I also have to deal with what I was doing and why. I've started therapy - if not for this relationship then a future one.

And how did you feel about her? keep with your therapy and ask yourself why you feel the need to tell us her feelings for you but not your feelings for her.

 

I'm also out of work on disability due to a knee surgery. So I've had a lot of time to sit and write and think and be miserable. I'm feeling so many emotions its like you put them into a dryer and they tumble around in my heart and stomach. I'm so ashamed and guilty over how I betrayed her and how I wasn't honest. I'm sad over how much she is hurt. I'm hurting because I miss her and still love and care for her very much.

Ok so you do care about her. You have broken her trust, there can be no love without trust.

 

So here I am lost and confused. Asking myself a lot of questions. Can our relationship still work out? Am I really in love or do I just love her and care about her and that's why I'm hurting? I know during our relationship I felt a lot that the grass is greener and that I sometimes thought about breaking up and seeing whats out there. That's what led me to do what I did.

You just said you really really loved her, why are you questioning this? No, that is no excuse. If your relationship is not good enough for you you work at it or you leave it. You dont hang around and test if there is something better.

 

What I did was really horrible. I need to start doing the right thing. I want to be honest with myself. Is this heartache and pain because I have to mourn the loss of a good relationship that wasn't meant to be? Does it mean I need to make every effort to show her how much I care and hope that we can try to heal the damage I did? I'm just having a hard time knowing what I want. I know people say when you've met the right one you just know....is it just that simple that she's not the right one?

 

Honestly, leave the girl alone for now. Im sorry for being harsh but you dont know what you want and she told you what she wanted and you had ample opportunity to work on what you had. You dont sound mature enough for her and instead of owning up to your error you are throwing excuses around at will.

 

I know with my actions many of you will feel that I should just let her go......

No, not from your actions, from your words and your thoughts afterwards. You show no sincere desire to make up for what you did, you make excuses and you are doubting the basics of your relationship. You have some serious thinking to do and for her sake I advise you do nothing until you know for certain.

[winniethepooh]

The reason for the breakup is betrayal and lies on my part. Over the last 3-4 months of our relationship I had maintained a profile in an online dating site and would check out other women, flirt online and even went as far as to meet a couple for drinks.

What was your motivation for doing this? And where did you hope it would lead? Expect it to lead?

 

My gf discovered this last Sunday and I admitted to some of this, lying to do damage control.

Damage control? What? Seems to me that lying makes it worse.

 

On Wed before Thanksgiving the rest came out and she left me.

No surprise really.

 

She loved me so much...she wanted marriage and a future with me.

How did you feel about that? And what did you want?

 

She was able to even see a glimmer of hope for us before Wed. She still wants to believe that things can work out(we've talked on the phone a few times).

Well if she wants to believe that, then maybe there is a bit of hope. What can you do and are willing to do to restore her trust in you?

 

And there is just a gigantic part of me that wants to fight with all of my heart and soul for our relationship.

And there's a small part of you that doesn't? If that's the case, why not?

 

But I also have to deal with what I was doing and why. I've started therapy - if not for this relationship then a future one.

Fair enough. How's that going?

 

I'm feeling so many emotions its like you put them into a dryer and they tumble around in my heart and stomach. I'm so ashamed and guilty over how I betrayed her and how I wasn't honest. I'm sad over how much she is hurt. I'm hurting because I miss her and still love and care for her very much.

That all sounds normal. What you have to be careful of now is that you don't rekindle this relationship because of guilt and/or fear of hurting her. It's understandable that those feelings are motivating you at present, but you have to get under them to figure out if you really want to be with her and build a relationship with her. If yes, why? If not, why not?

 

So here I am lost and confused.

Yes, I'm sure you are.

 

I know during our relationship I felt a lot that the grass is greener and that I sometimes thought about breaking up and seeing whats out there. That's what led me to do what I did.

Good that you recognise that. Sometimes the grass is greener, sometimes it isn't. But if you're looking for the perfect girl, you'll never find her. What you can find, or maybe already have (had), is someone with whom you share a good connection, and that can be a solid foundation on which to build a relationship that makes both your lives better. Do you and her share similar goals, or if not, can you still help each other towards your individual goals? Do you have similar fundamental beliefs, or if not, can you accept each others different beliefs?

 

A relationship doesn't depend on just finding the perfect partner. It's something you build together with someone. No matter who you're with, there will always be people that cross your path who are more attractive in some way. It's up to you to let them cross your path and carry on without trying to get involved with them in a way that jeopardizes your current relationship. Sometimes that can be difficult enough to do, let alone if you actively start searching for that. You might be able to learn that from this episode, or maybe you have to go out there and mess about some more and learn it a harder way.

 

What I did was really horrible. I need to start doing the right thing. I want to be honest with myself.

Again, good that you recognize this. But can you now back up your words with actions?

 

Is this heartache and pain because I have to mourn the loss of a good relationship that wasn't meant to be?

Possibly. How much are you willing to invest into this relationship?

 

Does it mean I need to make every effort to show her how much I care and hope that we can try to heal the damage I did? I'm just having a hard time knowing what I want.

Maybe this is a wake up call. Maybe this reflects you're just not ready for a committed relationship. Maybe this reflects you don't want a relationship with her. Those are questions you have to dig deep and answer for yourself. Don't make the mistake of relying on "gut instinct" or "following your heart." Those expressions are synonyms for feelings and right now your feelings and emotions are messed up.

 

I know people say when you've met the right one you just know....is it just that simple that she's not the right one?

That's also a feeling, usually distorted because of being "in love." There is no "right one" because that implies someone who is perfect. There are "ones" with whom you connect with better than others and from there you can make a relationship. If you both want to.

 

Think about the connection you have (had) with her - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. It won't be perfect but are the differences significant enough that it would be too much work to have a relationship? What about your goals and desires for the future? What about hers? Can you help each other towards them? What about how well you communicate with each other?

 

I know with my actions many of you will feel that I should just let her go......

But what does she want you to do? And are you willing to do it?

 

The damage is done. You are at a point where you and her can go your separate ways, but as long as she is still willing to communicate with you, maybe you can move forwards together.

 

But I do think this is important enough to repeat. Don't stay or reconcile because of guilt. Guilt is a weak foundation on which to build a relationship.

[JT4266]

your reaction is similar to an immature child that got a toy taken away

 

If your relationship is not good enough for you you work at it or you leave it. You dont hang around and test if there is something better.

 

I can't make excuses for what I did. These hurt to read but I know that they are true. This was just selfishness on my part to see what else was out there.

 

I love her very deeply. She is beautiful, fun and unbelievably kind and caring. When we were together I was happy. Just the thought of hugging her makes me cry - I miss her.

 

I wanted this relationship to work out so badly. I'm 31, all of my friends are married and starting to have kids and I want the same things. I had my opportunity with her, she was there with me, wanting the same things. I gave her love and she gave me her love but it wasn't enough for me? If this wasn't enough maybe nothing will be. Ugh I am so depressed.

 

I haven't been reaching out to her but she has called me the last few nights. I answer her calls and talk to her. I want to hear her voice, to talk with her but what can I say. I know she still harbors hope that we can be together. I do too. But my head knows that the things I did aren't just going to heal and that the reasons why I did them aren't going to just go away - as much as this has served as a wake up call about how I feel about her its also served as a wake up call that I don't know myself all that much.

[winniethepooh]

I can't make excuses for what I did. These hurt to read but I know that they are true. This was just selfishness on my part to see what else was out there.

Well, have you learnt your lesson? Are you sure?

 

I wanted this relationship to work out so badly.

Do you still want it to work out?

 

I haven't been reaching out to her but she has called me the last few nights. I answer her calls and talk to her. I want to hear her voice, to talk with her but what can I say. I know she still harbors hope that we can be together. I do too.

Well if she's still willing to communicate and still has hope, and the same for you, then why not continue to try and work through this? I think you are very fortunate that she is still talking to you at present.

 

But my head knows that the things I did aren't just going to heal

You can't change what's done, but you can choose what to do from here. And yes, healing is possible. How likely depends on both of you.

 

and that the reasons why I did them aren't going to just go away - as much as this has served as a wake up call about how I feel about her its also served as a wake up call that I don't know myself all that much.

Sometimes it takes a long time to know ourselves but anyway, if the reasons you did this are because you don't want to be with her, then figure out why not. If the reasons are that you were weak, succumbed to temptation, made a mistake, or similar, then figure out if you have had enough of a wake up call to know you won't do that again.

[JT4266]

She's moving out this weekend. As much as we both want to work through this she is just in too much pain right now. We've been emailing back and forth over the last couple of days and she needs to be able to heal and see how she feels. She also wants me to be 100% on wanting to rebuild our relationship before she would even consider it.....she has a good head on her shoulders.

 

I want the time too, to work in therapy, to know what I truly want and to know that I can truly commit. I think I have learned from this experience but I want to remember how this felt and know how I hurt her so I can make sure to never take love for granted again.

 

I let her know that I would like to keep in touch but its up to her to set the parameters of our contact. I told her whatever she needs I would do.

 

I want to commit more to therapy - does anyone have any experience with this? I've been 4-5 times and I know results take time. I'm just curious if sometimes you need to see different people. I'm seeing a psychiatrist but maybe a pure therapist would be better?

 

The holidays are going to be rough this year......

 

Thanks for all of your input.

[winniethepooh]

She's moving out this weekend. As much as we both want to work through this she is just in too much pain right now. We've been emailing back and forth over the last couple of days and she needs to be able to heal and see how she feels. She also wants me to be 100% on wanting to rebuild our relationship before she would even consider it.....she has a good head on her shoulders.

Fair enough. I don't think that's an unreasonable response from her. It might not be the end of the story either but that's something you don't know right now. All you can do for now is to try not to make things worse, and to work on yourself.

 

I want the time too, to work in therapy, to know what I truly want and to know that I can truly commit. I think I have learned from this experience but I want to remember how this felt and know how I hurt her so I can make sure to never take love for granted again.

Also sounds good. Let's see what you're doing and how you feel in a few weeks time.

 

I let her know that I would like to keep in touch but its up to her to set the parameters of our contact. I told her whatever she needs I would do.

If you and her can continue to communicate then I think that is better for your chances of reconciliation than no communication. But you should be careful about saying you'll do whatever she needs you to do. You can end up with a shift in balance too far the other way. I would not initiate contact with her, unless you have a very good reason to (telling her about your feelings, progress in therapy, etc are not good enough reasons at this stage). But do respond to anything she initiates, however, don't go overboard with any talk of the relationship. The important thing for you to remember is that she is in pain and is choosing this path to heal (which is not an unreasonable one under the circumstances). Any interaction with you will remind her of that pain and hurt, but no interaction with you will remind her of losing you and hurt also.

 

For now, I think you need to show a great deal of patience.

 

And stay away from dating websites etc, and interactions with other women, especially if they could be perceived as romantic interest by either one of you. I hope you've deleted your profile (and any others). Completely. You should assume she will be searching for you online.

 

I want to commit more to therapy - does anyone have any experience with this? I've been 4-5 times and I know results take time. I'm just curious if sometimes you need to see different people. I'm seeing a psychiatrist but maybe a pure therapist would be better?

I think a therapist might be more helpful for you. You don't sound to me like someone who has a mental issue of significance, you sound like a normal enough bloke with normal desires who let them get the better of him. Don't go rushing in to loads of therapy. That desire is a response to you messing up, and just like any remedy, there is a sensible dose which is helpful, and an overdose, which is not.

 

Do some reading (even just reading ENA posts is probably going to be helpful), but some books also. Be wary of getting trapped with systems and stereotypes that might or might not work for you.

 

Whatever you read or think, remember that she is hurting, you can't feel her pain, and it will take time for her to stop hurting.

 

Also think about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Whether or not you really want to be with her (and if not, why not).

 

Good luck