I really messed up today... So sad.

[ironman73]

Well, I really messed up today.

I spent a long time on this forum trying to post and be cool during our NC.

On Thanksgiving I did see him. It was really nice. We chatted and told each other that we missed each other. He gave me his sweater because I was cold. I tried to give it back when I left, but he insisted that I keep it so I can give it back to him in person. He told me that he had 'no desire or need' to date right now and he was still figuring out his stuff.

So we decided to see each other on Sunday night (today) so I can give him back his sweater.

On Saturday, I was doing errands in the area and I just got nervous and so I decided to drop his sweater at his house (on the porch). He texted me that he was home and he invited me in. But he had been drinking a lot. We got to chatting and he told me that he went out with another girl twice in the last 2 days (after Tgiving). I was really upset. Because I felt that the entire reason we stopped dating was nothing personal, but because of HIM. He told me that she is not as interesting nor as fun as me, but at least she doesn't have 3 kids. I felt that was the stupidest criteria ever. He wasn't sure if he was going to see her again, but he said that he needed to check out what else is there, to see if what we had was really special. We decided to meet up again in the morning after my shift to talk.

I went to work, feeling miserable.

I went over to his house in the morning (as planned). I played my stupid 200 questions (which really irks him) about our relationship. He said that he wasn't going to tell me about the other woman because it just wasn't relevant. She is not as special as me. I was just really upset that he saw another woman. It had only been 3 weeks since we went into NC. And I felt deceived because I thought he was supposed to be working on his own issues. I was also really upset that he was seeing someone who he thought was not as special, interesting or fun as me (exactly what he said)- why is he wasting his time? And I was really upset that she was not even in my league, in terms of school, accomplishments or education or profession. I felt that he was settling. I was so disappointed in him. He told me that I just don't understand what he is going through and that I should accept the fact that he has no answers for anything, that he is confused and I will never understand. I told him that it was unfair to date another woman when he said that he still had issues to work through. He said that these issues had nothing to do with her. The issue is that he is not ready to accept the fact that I have 3 kids. And that I don't understand what it is like to meet someone who is perfect for them, but has this major glaring issue (the three kids).

In sum, I basically messed up everything I had accomplished during NC. He was starting to make baby steps back towards me, by giving me the sweater and wanting to see me. Now he doesn't want to talk to me for at least 2 weeks. Why couldn't I wait? Why am I so stupid? I am so sad. I told him that he needs to get perspective by dating other people and when he does, I said some hurtful things. I just wasn't ready to handle it. So I am really really sorry.

 

 

 

I wrote:

I feel like I ruined our chances for reconciliation

I feel like I pushed you away in my hurt

 

He wrote

I need time. We will chat in a couple of weeks.

 

 

I hate myself.

[DN]

Why do you think that you having three kids is a stupid criteria?

[ironman73]

I am just really disappointed that he would eschew a relationship with someone who he likes more but because they have 3 kids- which they share with their ex and for which he would have no parental or financial responsibility. I feel like that is settling. And they really like him and he says they are great. He is just not ready for them to be part of his family. But in regards to the other girl, he said, he wasn't looking to date anyone, but it 'just happened'.

[DN]

He is entitled to his point of view though. As for no parental or financial responsibility - don't be so sure. In many places once you live for a period of time with someone with kids you can be held by the courts to have taken on a parental role and can be held liable for child support in the event of a separation. That's the legal part - the other part is that people can get attached to kids whether they intend to or not and don't want to risk being hurt.

 

You might say you won't impose any parental responsibility but the legality and the emotions can be very different.

[ironman73]

That is what a prenup is for.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you see now why NC is so good. Can't mess up when you do nothing

 

I don't know why but a lot of guys (some women do this too!) will say they aren't breaking up to date other people, that they want to work on themselves, blah blah BUT a huge part of the reason why they leave is to see what else is out there/explore attractions.

 

It's nice for him to have the option of falling in love with someone new or coming back to you if nothing better pops up.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't buy everything he says about her. He clearly gets something out of that interaction.

 

It's perfectly ok for you to say you aren't interested in waiting while he's exploring other women. It's setting boundaries.

[ironman73]

He told me he is lonely and wanted to fill a void. I told him he is making the same mistake as he did with a previous girlfriend (to fill a void of another one) and it ends up hurting a lot of people. I told him he has learned nothing and he got upset.

[ironman73]

What should I do now? I am so devastated at my stupidity. I know that it sounds obvious- NC.

But when I met up with him on thanksgiving- he said that he didn't think that the NC was a good idea. And that he missed me (more than he thought he would).

He even bought me a present for my bday.

He told me that he needs to stop thinking about me all day, but he can't. And he sits there and wonders what I am up to.

Both of us want to move on, but we can't- does that mean something?

[DN]

That is what a prenup is for.

You can't sign away children's rights in a pre-nup.

[ironman73]

I am in California. They have a dad who makes >250K and so do I. Their fiscal responsibility is taken care of.

[DN]

I still think you are minimising his concerns - they are his and he is entitled to them. But the bottom line is that unless he can get past that issue somehow it seems you would be better off looking for someone else.

[ironman73]

I understand. I am just devastated at him settling... I wouldn't want to be with someone who was less intelligent, fun or interesting. But maybe I have higher standards.

[ironman73]

comment removed

[ironman73]

Another random question

I asked him if he loved me and he said he loved me but he was not 'in love with me'

Then why does he think about me all day? Why did he think all day on my birthday to decide whether or not to call me?

[Dezireey]

The truth of the matter right now is not what he is saying is it? He can tell you that he would die for you, take a bullet for you, love you till his dying day but what does all that really mean for you right now if he doesn't actually want to be with you. Those are just words hun and I would seriously take it all with a pinch of salt.

 

Firstly, he is absolutely entitled to have the opinion and need to not want to be with someone who has three kids. Regardless of what you earn, your ex earns and everything else. The fact of the matter (and he knows this) is that those children are not his children and perhaps he has reasons, such as not wanting to get attached or even he may have always had in his head that he would start a family of his own from scratch one day. That is his choice.

 

He has spelt that out quite clearly to you that this is his major problem. Some people just have dealbreakers in relationships, maybe this is his?. His error was that if this was a major problem for him, he shouldn't have got involved with you in the first place and yes, you are right, if he loved you heart and soul, he would accept this part of you. He is obviously going through huge doubts and his wish to keep in touch, speak to you in a few weeks and fob you off with a story about sorting himself out (whilst dabbling around) is just that, a story. You can only get clarity and peace of mind on this if you leave well alone. Personally, I would have kicked him to the kerb indefinitely the moment he started umming and awwing about whether he wanted to be with me or not. I would be HIGHLY pissed off with him for starting a relationship with me in the first place, knowing I had 3 kids and now he is saying it's a dealbreaker for him?? * * * . I think you are seriously better off without him.

[lavenderdove]

People say all kinds of things when they break up with you, and a majority of the time they don't tell you the whole truth about their decision because they don't want to hurt you.

 

Sometimes they use the 'insurmountable defect' excuse. They want to break up, but don't want to feel guilty about saying something like, 'you get on my nerves,' or 'i'm getting bored with you', so they pick some trait about you or your life they know you can't change or really argue with them over but that is less unflattering than the real excuse and say that's the reason. So if you have 3 kids, there is no way that you can NOT have three kids because you do, so he says, oops, sorry, 3 kids and i don't want kids so there you go, we need to break up.

 

And if he is being honest and really doesn't want kids or the lifestyle that goes with having kids, then as a mother you should just be saying to him, see ya! Who wants a man who doesn't want your kids? No matter how much you want him, he's not the right man for you if he doesn't accept your kids because their emotional welfare is more important than anything, and a man who doesn't want kids could do a serious emotional number on them or encourage you to ignore their needs and welfare to hang around with him instead.

 

And I think you are misinterpreting him 'settling...' He has made two contradictory statements, that he likes you better and then he flips and says he loved you but was not in love with you. I think you are confronting him about this new woman and he doesn't want to say, 'she's really hot and i want to be wtih her more than i want to be with you' so he softens the blow with some kind words about you're fun blah blah blah, but the bottom line is he's basically told you he's not in love with you so that is a deal breaker too.

 

People do have tender feelings about exes even if they know they are not compatible on some level or another and do feel guilty about dumping them and hurting another person (unless they are sociopaths). So he feels your distress over the breakup and has fond feelings for someone who once meant something to him, but still knows he can't get past the 3 kids thing and knows he's not in love with you. So he tries to be kind when he can, but obviously he has found someone else so you have to accept that he did make his choice and it is not you.

 

Many people make the mistake of assuming 'love' means everything else can be ignored but love comes in all kinds of degrees and is tempered by so many things including someone's personality, whether they are selfish or not, whether they are truly bonded to the other person or just excited by hormones etc. So he's given you lots of clues that although he really enjoys you as a person, whatever feelings he may have for you aren't enough to be considered 'in love' in his mind, and he also really wants a woman who has no obligations like children. So you have a restricted view that 'love should conquer all', but he's just told you that (a) he's not in love with you, just has fond feelings for you and (b) that he just doesn't want to be a stepparent and take on that lifestyle/obligation. Either one of those things is a dealbreaker, no matter how much you want him.

 

So your kids aren't the only reason he left, and he is trying to be kind when you call him in distress and when you try to talk him out of the other woman and back into you again.

 

If someone tells you they're not in love with you, that's all she wrote. He's done and is turning his attentions elsewhere. I don't think it is just your kids that are the problem, or he wouldn't have told you he's not in love with you. He's just not into the relationship in the same way you are, and has met someone he sees as better potential than you, so he's made the decision to go with her rather than you.

[emily2424]

you really shouldn't be jealous about him seeing someone else especially if she doesn't amount to you and he said it. sometimes people need to go out and see what else is out there to know what they had wasn't terrible. you should do the same, because if they don't realize that...they move on.

[Ms Darcy]

What should I do now? I am so devastated at my stupidity. I know that it sounds obvious- NC.

 

He told me that he needs to stop thinking about me all day, but he can't. And he sits there and wonders what I am up to.

Both of us want to move on, but we can't- does that mean something?

 

Another random question

I asked him if he loved me and he said he loved me but he was not 'in love with me'

Then why does he think about me all day? Why did he think all day on my birthday to decide whether or not to call me?

 

Hon, I think you are approaching this as if there is something you can do to change his mind. I really agree with Lavendar on this one. The three kids thing sounds like a "convenient excuse" since he knew you had three kids going into it.

 

I would key in on him saying he's not in love with you and he's dating others. Anything else is just stringing you along ... because he misses you.