jessicalouise Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 my husband is a singer in hotels, 6 weeks ago he stayed behind and got drunk and ended up going to a womans room with her and another man that was at the bar,they were all talking. he said they went up to finish there drinks as the bar was by this time closed, i know it was at least 5am. The other guy then left and my husband sais he recalls them kissing and that they were on the bed, but they didnt have sex or nothing else happened he just fell asleep, he then woke up and realised what he had done and sobered up, is this poss in such a short space of time as he was home for 7am, after i woke up and realised he wanst home and phoned him, he was by this time on his way home driving from the hotel which is only 5 mins from our house, he came up with lots of excuses but i knew he was lying and he confessed the next day on the phone while i was working (coward). He swears nothing else happened but too be honest not sure i believe him, i think he thinks by saying they only kissed and didnt have sex that it wouldnt hurt me as much, but you can have sex with a prostitute and there is no kissing, kissing is intermate, i am devestated cant stop crying, he sais he loves me it was just a stupid mistake and he cant do enough for me, we have been together 14 years and just cant get my head round it, as it is not like him, how do i get over this and is itpossible he is telling the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 So...he wasn't "on the road" but was 5 minutes from your house? My question would be why the heck wouldn't he just come home after the show? I think that if he is not lying and is sincere that he "just kissed her" its still a bad, bad judgment call. Even if you give him a pass because he was drunk, being alone with her drunk rather than having someone sober driving him home, calling you to pick him up, or saying "i am driving, i am not drinking" would have been the acceptable behavior. Does he have an alcohol problem? I really don't know what I'd advise. I think that you are right to be upset. Its up to you to forgive him...or not. But I surely wouldn't say "its okay honey, i'm fine with it" tomorrow. I would say that its in his best interest to be professional from now on and not get involved with entertaining "fans". Best case scenario is that kissing is all that happen and he has the fear scared into him to never, ever go anywhere near that situation again. Does he understand how it happened and does he understand how to prevent it in the future (no going to someone's room, no drinking like that..?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XxJustMexX Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I would also question who initiated the kiss. I think this may well tell you his character. Going to the room may be teetering on acceptable or not (who knows, maybe he really did have purely innocent intentions going up there) but to me who initiated the kiss would prove more valuable in making a decision about what to do. I'll explain... Although going to the room to begin with was a bad judgment call to begin with, I can kind of see how someone drunk just wants to continue the drinking. People do this often. One place closes, you go to the next to keep drinking. I don't think alcohol is an excuse, but I wouldn't automatically say his intentions were deceiving either... Now, he should have left when his friend left, but then again, maybe he was too drunk and wanted to stay a bit to sober up. The question now is how it all started. Assuming it was just a kiss, I'd first wonder who initiated it because then that would definitely tell you his character and whether he's trustworthy to begin with. There's just too many "oopsies" along the way leading up to the kiss to safely say that he really is being 100% truthful. But I don't know him, so of course that really can be a possibility, and he's just naive and well... sorry to say, foolish. In order for all this to be a mistake on his end, he would definitely have to be a bit foolish and have really bad judgment to think it's ok to go to a female's room (while married), stick around when the only other guy leaves, then end up kissing "on accident". I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm sure there are many men out there this vulnerable and naive... And we don't know your husband so it's possible... On a side note though, I at least find it a little admirable that he cared about your relationship enough to tell you the next day, albeit on the phone... In a way this makes me want to believe him, that it was purely accidental. To be honest with you, I don't believe someone who would have slept with another woman would even confess to it partially. Most cheaters I believe would completely deny it... unless he's some sort of serial cheater who's got his game down to a T... I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I do believe he was just foolish. This doesn't get him off the hook because obviously his judgment needs some working on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 So at 5am he was too drunk to realise what he was doing and ended up on some woman's bed kissing her but but 2 hours later he was sober enough to drive home? Would he usually drive home when still drunk (which he would have been)? How did he seem to you when he got home? If driving when still under the influence of alcohol is not something he would normally do and he seemed stone cold sober to you then he was very much sober when he went back to her room. If he was sober then he is obviously using alcohol to not only blanket the truth but to avoid conftontation. It is so so easy to say "I can't remember I was too drunk" or "I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing". I'm not saying that being drunk excuses his behaviour but it makes a huge difference to his story (as in whether he is covering up the truth). What do you think? Do you think he is telling you the complete truth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 the only reason he confessed was because i knew he was lying, because he said he got into a bit of a fight with sombody we know, and when he walked through the door his story changed a bit, and it didnt add up in my mind, he then phoned me the next day at work and i kept asking him had he cheated on me i just had a gut feeling but hoped i was wrong, eventually he said he had and my whole world fell apart, as for him staying to sober up a bit as i said i know he was drinking until at least between 5 and 6 am, and he did whatever he did then fell asleep if he was so drunk wouldnt he of been unconcious, when i said to him that he didnt seem that drunk when he arrived home when we were talking about what happened he said he woke p and thought * * * * what have i done, why did he not think that after they kissed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 he didnt seem that drunk to me when he got home and he could of only slept at the most for an hour, i just dont understand why he didnt come home after they supposingly only kissed, when he is in the mood for drinking he likes a good drink, but he managed to get to her room ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 i did ask who initiated the kiss and he said he dosnt remember, so i think it was him god that hurts so much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 That's the bit that doesn't add up to me. Presumably he is saying it happened because he was too drunk to know what he was doing but also too drunk to actually have sex. Instead they fell asleep and, as you say it couldn't have been for more than an hour so wouldn't he have still been drunk by the time he got home? Do you know for sure he was actually at the bar all that time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 yes i do know he was in the bar all that time because i know the people that work there, we spoke again earlier on about everything and i told himi didnt believe him and he had selective memory, and i thought he was on the verge of confessing more, but then my daughter walked in, i think he thinks its too late now to confess so easier to stick with the lies as i will never find out the truth, also he know how devestated i am and if he told me more it would deffinetly be the end of the marriage, i also told himi cant cope and if i still fell the same after xmas i want us to split up. he sais he knows he has ruined everything and its killing him inside as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Lifestyle, booze, women, hotels, not home at night and lies... Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck. What is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 we spoke again today about it, ir rather i questioned him, as he has slipped up on a couple of things he told me when he confessed that she was asleep when he left, then he let slip today that she was awake and he just got up and walked out didnt say bye or anythng, i find this hard to believe cause if i was her, id have gone mad. I told him that in my heart i know hes lying and asked him to swear on my life, he just looked at me and went to work, so i suppose ive got my answer, i have just text him and told him last chance to come clean or im leaving straight away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Don't believe a word he's telling you. All a bunch of lies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 26, 2011 Author Share Posted November 26, 2011 he just confessed today that there was groping and she tried to get him going down below but they didnt have sex, still dont believe him, funny that he can now remember what happened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 He cheated on you, obviously. The details wouldn't concern me so much. Cheating is cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 he just confessed today that there was groping and she tried to get him going down below but they didnt have sex, still dont believe him, funny that he can now remember what happened So his story has changed has it? Thing is how do you know that he is still telling you the full story. Did he say whether he did go "down below" or did he deflect from answering that by saying they didn't have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted November 26, 2011 Share Posted November 26, 2011 His story has been so full of holes from the beginning . . . the bottom line is can you forgive him and move forward? Can he be trusted not to repeat this in the future? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 i think i can trust him but just cant get over the betrayal of it all am in shock like its happening to sombody else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 i am still distraught nearly 8 weeks later how long will this last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 i think i can trust him but just cant get over the betrayal of it all am in shock like its happening to sombody else. This is saying that you obviously don't trust him, and I can certainly see why. If he refuses to bring this out in the open, and work towards a solution, you're in this alone. All the best... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 i am still distraught nearly 8 weeks later how long will this last Proactive approach... years. Without, forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 i am still distraught nearly 8 weeks later how long will this last You know what he is capable of doing. How can you ever really get over that? You surely won't be near that point in 8 weeks. Maybe 8 years? Just depends on your expectations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 There are couples where if someone cheats with someone at work, to save the marriage, sometimes the solution is for the cheating spouse to apply to transfer to another department to be away from the cocheater or to switch companies as a grand gesture to save the marriage. I know he plays in the band there, but is there a way to come to an agreement that he start applying elsewhere, or that he is to come home to you right after the show? I really, really feel horrible for you. To save this, there is going to have to be brutal honesty from him and from you (you more about your feelings since you did not do anything wrong here) and a 100% to rekindle the marriage. Some marriages can survive this if he comes to the conclusion he has hit rock bottom, but not all the time. I wouldn't blame you if you feel you can't do it anymore, but I would take a deep breath and not do anything radical at this moment. I would be tempted to go away for a weekend to your parents or with a female friend to get away in a way that wouldn't drag your daughter's emotions into things, nor anything that would be suspect to kids, etc, to get a break to see what's next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 I have now lost my job, as they said i am not capable, too vunrable, so was forced to resign, i have had a run in with sombody at work a few months ago, but i am blaming my husbands infedelity because i am just not coping at all. I keep asking why he did what he did, was there somthing wrong in our relationship, if so what, he keeps saying no it was just a drunken mistake, it breaks my heart even to think of him kissing someone else let alone anything else what can i do to start getting my marriage on track, i know the problem is me now because i just keep seeing the 2 of them together in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I have now lost my job, as they said i am not capable, too vunrable, so was forced to resign, i have had a run in with sombody at work a few months ago, but i am blaming my husbands infedelity because i am just not coping at all. I keep asking why he did what he did, was there somthing wrong in our relationship, if so what, he keeps saying no it was just a drunken mistake, it breaks my heart even to think of him kissing someone else let alone anything else what can i do to start getting my marriage on track, i know the problem is me now because i just keep seeing the 2 of them together in my head. I have to disagree with that. The problem is NOT you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 Jess, I'm confused. You said, "I have now lost my job, as they said i am not capable, too vunrable, so was forced to resign, i have had a run in with sombody at work a few months ago, but i am blaming my husbands infidelity because i am just not coping at all." - This thing with your husband occurred; you went to work and had some sort of “run in” that/next day because of it? - Your boss waited two months and then without progressive warnings to correct your behavior he/she terminated you for not be capable and too (vulnerable)? Without thinking about him or the past how do physically/mentally feel right now? How much weight have you lost in the past month? Do you sleep? Have any close friends/relatives made comments about how you look? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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