Girlfriend is doing lunch with a guy

[hawks0523]

My girlfriend of 3 years is doing lunch tomorrow with a guy, the following day is doing drinks with another and the following is doing lunch with another guy. She is doing this to "catch up". In the past she has done work or worked with these guys. She knows that I'm not too wild about this. The first guy she is doing lunch with, she had done other computer programming classes one on one with (which she says she hated), now she wants to do lunch. I asked her about this about how she hated it, why would she want to go to lunch. She said he is a nice guy and they're going to catch up. When I asked her about this she brought up the other two guys and asked why I didnt ask about them (she says she just wants to catch up with all of them cause she hasnt talked to them since moving away in August)?

 

The next day she is doing drinks with a guy that she knows pushes my buttons (he is married).

 

The following day she is going to lunch with a guy that she use to run a company with.

 

Tonight she is hanging out with a friend and I said that maybe I would go hang out with my friends then and she said you should just stay home I wont be gone all night....

 

To add to it, this past weekend we were going to do dinner before a concert and she cancelled saying that she felt fat and didnt want to eat out, then goes out to eat with all of these people. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

 

I don't know if she is testing me to see if I will say something since she knows that she is pushing my boundaries (and probably thinks im soft anyways). She says that I never tell her my feelings so this may be a test to see if I will stand up or if she is seeing if I will get jealous. Any advise on how to proceed would be great.

[sidehop]

Tonight she is hanging out with a friend and I said that maybe I would go hang out with my friends then and she said you should just stay home I wont be gone all night....

 

Umm I would be like "excuse me???"

 

To add to it, this past weekend we were going to do dinner before a concert and she cancelled saying that she felt fat and didnt want to eat out, then goes out to eat with all of these people. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

 

I don't know if she is testing me to see if I will say something since she knows that she is pushing my boundaries (and probably thinks im soft anyways). She says that I never tell her my feelings so this may be a test to see if I will stand up or if she is seeing if I will get jealous. Any advise on how to proceed would be great.

 

Not only pushing the boundaries of the relationship but it's very disrespectful when you're going out alone with another opposite sex aside from her trying to portray this as some sort of business function. Now if this was once and communicated well in advance and if she had other people to go with then obviously it's not a big deal. But her repeatedly seeing these men alone...and drinks? She's pushing your buttons alright. Is it possible you're being too nice about this as well?

 

And seriously, go out with your friends not to be spiteful but don't let her control what you should and shouldn't do. That alone would just tick me off.

[sidehop]

And I realize that this is the same abusive girlfriend that's constantly challenging you.

 

WHY are you with her?

[hawks0523]

I want to be a trusting boyfriend and not let these things affect me; however, I know that if I did the same thing it would not go over well (and she knows this too). Should I say something to her about this, how I don't think this is appropriate because if I did something similar she wouldn't be okay with it?

[sidehop]

If you don't she'll keep walking all over you. You need to put up a healthy boundary. Not for her; but for yourself. What's acceptable to you, what you are going to put up with and if not, speak out your feelings (without being mean of course) and be firm.

 

I would seriously look at the relationship as a whole if she's treating you this way.

[thejigsup]

I go to lunch and dinner with guy friends all the time. THEY'RE FRIENDS. Unless you can prove that she will be unfaithful, you sound a little insecure. Now, the stuff about wanting you to stay home while she goes out, that just made me go WHAT!!! It's nice to go out with friends and play catch up (doesn't matter what sex they are, they're just friends), BUT if your SO isn't allowed the same freedom and you cancel on them to go with friends, yeah, that's just wrong!

[oldenoughtoknow]

You don't sound very important to her. That may be her bad, or your lack of boundaries, or a little of both. Going out with friends is fine. Going out alone with three different guys three days in a row wouldn't work for me. Her canceling a dinner out with a bogus excuse to go out and eat with her friends wouldn't work for me. Her going out with friends and telling me to stay home wouldn't work for me. I think it's time to call her on her crap. If she doesn't start showing you some deference, it's time to trade up.

[camus154]

Dude, I know we've discussed this woman before in other threads. I think the whole testing issue is irrelevant now.

 

Like sidehop said, this girl is too much work. You're quite obviously NOT happy with her, so why do you choose to stay with her?

[giggles1]

It also seems like she is testing you.It's about time you tell her how you feel and that you dont feel comfortable that she is hanging out with her guy friends.Did she invite you too??I think it's harmless if she is hanging out in a group or something..

[Longview01]

This girl has been pushing your buttons so awhile now

 

Time to let go and find someone else maybe?

[Stay_home]

My girlfriend of 3 years is doing lunch tomorrow with a guy, the following day is doing drinks with another and the following is doing lunch with another guy. She is doing this to "catch up". In the past she has done work or worked with these guys.

 

I think this pretty much sums up the argument. And I haven't seen anything in your post that would suggest that your girlfriend of three years has been suspect in terms of infidelity. People can very well have friends that they work with, move away and would like to do lunch and "catch up." Just because she's seeing you doesn't mean she has to drop the ball on all her friends. It doesn't seem as if any boundaries are being broken by this.

[abitbroken]

I think this pretty much sums up the argument. And I haven't seen anything in your post that would suggest that your girlfriend of three years has been suspect in terms of infidelity. People can very well have friends that they work with, move away and would like to do lunch and "catch up." Just because she's seeing you doesn't mean she has to drop the ball on all her friends. It doesn't seem as if any boundaries are being broken by this.

 

Yeah, but three men, three days in a row? And if she was happy to be with her boyfriend you think he'd be invited to at least one of them, because she would want him to know her friends. But then again, one guy sounds like a guy she had a class with once, etc, and not a solid, long time friend. And then canceling on her boyfriend? I don't think she's cheating, but she is being very disrespectful but unfortunately he is putting up with it.

[Generation]

 

You're quite obviously NOT happy with her, so why do you choose to stay with her?

 

Because he's invested too much time in her already, so it makes leaving that much harder. I would know.

 

To add to it, this past weekend we were going to do dinner before a concert and she cancelled saying that she felt fat and didnt want to eat out, then goes out to eat with all of these people. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

 

That's messed up.

 

She says that I never tell her my feelings so this may be a test to see if I will stand up or if she is seeing if I will get jealous. Any advise on how to proceed would be great.

Don't let her push your buttons. Don't get jealous. She wants to go out, let her. Don't flex your emotions. Keep your cool. Even if it pisses you off, just think of her as an annoying sister rather than a girlfriend. It's probably easier said than done, but don't show insecurity.

 

I think on the side, you should probably start thinking about a second option, but keeping it on the down low. Start looking for a new pond to fish in and a new fish to catch. I'm not saying you should cheat, but you might need to consider other options at this point.

[eternalsunrise]

It sounds like she's trying to get you to break up with her, possibly because she doesn't have the nerve to do it herself; so she's sabotaging.

[trustno1]

My brother......cmon now......the only man she should be spending that much time with is YOU..... " Catch up" are you serious????? catch up on what....Im sorry....that doesn't sound like anything I would want to have on my mind....so you are either home picking your nose or out thinking about what she is doing with not 1, nt 2 but 3 dudes.........you are too nice,,,I thought I was nice.....you are a saint....that is a red flag.....sorry man...the only men you can trust with your lady is GOD and his son ( not to get religious just being honest) A man with a few drinks in him can lose sight of everything real fast and forget to uphold his own honor and respect yours

[Stay_home]

I have women friends that I work with and we have lunch on a regular basis, everyday. Sometimes we hangout outside of the job but it's not very often. So if I moved away from the area and came back or vice versa and I'm in town believe I'm definitely going to get up with them. Especially since they've been a part of my circle much longer than any girlfriend or if I had one. And if we've been together for three years, within that time she should damn well know already know that about me. I'm not talking about just some random women either. I'm talking about, I work with these women everyday and it's completely innocent. We have lunch together on days, dinner together when we work the evening shift and late night snacks when we work midnights. We're all we have out there on the street.

 

Secondly, if I haven't given any reason for infidelity to be suspected in the relationship then there's no reason for her to accuse me of anything or ask me not to spend time with them. If it bothers her that much then she can definitely come along I have no problem with that. I think what really has to be evaluated in the OPs situation is who, where and how these 'friends' were met, what kind of relationship has it been in three years, is she a loving and faithful woman? All these things matter and only the OP really knows the answer to those questions. I'm not defending her by any stretch, but only trying to open people's eyes that it is possible to have friends. And that going to lunch or meeting to catch up every once in a while is not a big deal. Again what matters is how she goes about maintaining those boundaries.

[hawks0523]

She would never do anything; however, I doubt the guys intentions. Almost all of her friends are guys and gets along a lot better with guys than girls. I think 2-Sides-Coin is right...I dont think that there is more to it than friends and business acquaintances. She lived away for the last few months and now wants to catch up since she is going to be moving back. I have to give her enough leash to hang herself....

[Stay_home]

She would never do anything; however, I doubt the guys intentions. Almost all of her friends are guys and gets along a lot better with guys than girls. I think 2-Sides-Coin is right...I dont think that there is more to it than friends and business acquaintances. She lived away for the last few months and now wants to catch up since she is going to be moving back. I have to give her enough leash to hang herself....

 

If you're really concerned just keep your eyes open. If she's going to hang herself, this is the easiest way to do it.

[jellysandwich]

She would never do anything; however, I doubt the guys intentions. Almost all of her friends are guys and gets along a lot better with guys than girls. I think 2-Sides-Coin is right...I dont think that there is more to it than friends and business acquaintances. She lived away for the last few months and now wants to catch up since she is going to be moving back. I have to give her enough leash to hang herself....

 

Then this is an insecurity issue: you are not confident enough in yourself.

 

Have faith that she will be loyal to you because you're better than any other guy out there.

[Snny]

Honestly, it's not the friends who are the issue... but how she balances her time with the OP and them.

 

Guy in the class isn't a threat. The married guy, I doubt it (and one of my buds is married and we hang out almost every weekend with or without his wife). Other is just a co-worker... casual lunch.

 

But this here is way over the top:

To add to it, this past weekend we were going to do dinner before a concert and she cancelled saying that she felt fat and didnt want to eat out, then goes out to eat with all of these people. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

 

I don't know if she is testing me to see if I will say something since she knows that she is pushing my boundaries (and probably thinks im soft anyways). She says that I never tell her my feelings so this may be a test to see if I will stand up or if she is seeing if I will get jealous.

People who "test" their partners have issues. It's a very juvenile approach instead of talking it out like normal adults.