missmar Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Hi All, New guy comes into work, we lock eyes and there was a connection. I knew from the start that I was older then him (considerably older) and I played it real cool with him. We worked in the same group and within a week he was assigned to a project I working on, however I was really pissed off when they put him in charge of it. He knew little about the project and I was bitter about it. This helped me a bit with my crush I had, because I just got flat out mean with him. Turned out that he did not know much about he project and would try to meet with me the help him out....I refused to be so helpful. Meantime every girl in the office is drooling over him and I am not paying him any attention Anyway we had weekly meeting together and I would notice him staring at me, after a month I got over the issue of him being put in charge of the project. However he would get chatty with me and make remarks to me "you are quite popular" and I would drop hints that I was older him by saying things like " i have 15 years experience in Project Management...blah blah... I was always cutting him down, because I was mad that I actually was attracted to him and I could not resist him. Well one day he invites himself to lunch with a group I meet one a week...I was a nervous wreck but I said he could come along. Well needless to say this raised some eyebrows in the office. But I knew there was something going on between us and I was fighting all the way. I cooled it off real quick by just staying away from him. Went away on XMAS vacation, and I realized I missed him and could not deny it anymore. Got back to work after the holidays and we both ran into each other in the hall with BIG SMIRKS and our faces, as we walked past each other we both looked back with the evil grin...you know the one I talking about. Things got a little steamy with the looks and the smirks when he would leave for the day he would come around the corner and just stop and stare at me....but he never asked me out. After XMAS break I was let go due to contract funding being depleted, and then was asked back 3 weeks later. When I showed up back at the office there was so much tension (good tension). We worked together on a project and finally the topic of how old everybody was came up... I let the cat out of the bag and told him how old I was. MAN>>>He looked like his puppy just died. He look devasted, and I went home and cried. Next day it was awkward, but he would not stop staring at me and smiling...his face would get all red and his eyes all dilated. The whole freakin office knew about it. Well he came over to me and asked what I was doing this weekend...and he was all choked up and could hardly talk, I was horrified again, because this was at work so I responded and with a sarcastic remark " sleeping til 10 and then doing whatever I want" He could say nothing after that. The higher ups saw what was going on and put him on another project in a different building. He would make up excuses the show up over in my building and shamelessly look me up and down like a wolf LOL. Then out of nowhere he just stopped and whenever he saw me he looked like he wanted to kill me "eyes". I think the whole office is blaming me about not telling him upfront about how old I was, and I think he talked with other coworkers about it, and they all blame me. I feel like I gave him enough hints...and besides we both got hurt from this. I quit soon after because the pressure of the whole thing was dragging me down. I still think about him, still want to talk to him and good god I want to be with him. Any suggestions on how to approach him about this, I find out what he was really feeling..jsut cant forget him Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Im not sure why he would care about your actual age after all of this? Ive dated younger and it hasn't been an issue. Are you sure this is the reason he is acting the way he is?? Link to comment
missmar Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 HI, So many things could be the issue, I am not sure. I do know most of the girls there were blaming me for this. I am not a person that will openly share about how I feel in an office setting, I am very professional. I think he blabbed to some ladies in the office and they were probably telling him that he is too young for me, and that I had a lot of nerve not telling him my age...all this in pure conjecture. I felt like they were viewing me as some kind of cougar,.,That is not what I am about, I like a person for them and not there age. I have never been married, have no kids, so I dont have the responsibilities most people have at my age. I am some perplexed!! I have since moved and i know Will not run into him, but I feel that something special was lost, I had such a strong connection, and I know he did too. (based on his reaction to my age that day, I knew I hurt him, but that was not what I intended. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I have dated guys much younger and the actual number was not an issue. Im sure you look fabulous, and are successful, so why should it matter? I mean, even if a woman is totally hot, if there is a 15 year gap, he must have had some idea?? Maybe the women in the office sabotaged you. I think you should talk to him.... Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi again sadchick82 Guess I should of asked you why you are sooo sad...maybe that i not the case and just your screen name. I think I waited to long it has been since April and 6 mos have gone by. He is a great catch and I am sure he is with someone else. I cannot stress enough the opportunity I had, I blew...and that is when he asked my what I was doing for the weekend...but he asked me in the wrong setting. Also, think in this day in age if he was interested he could of googled me..my age show up everywhere on profiles. I think my new screen name is missed opportunity. Also, how did your relationships work with the age gap...may I ask what type of relationship was it casual or serious? I always overthink things and thought maybe he was just interested in physical,..for me I was totally looking at him as a soulmate and if I did get together with him my heart would be broken. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 This all happened a year ago? Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel No, This started happenning a year ago in September, it stopped in April of this year.... Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 OK, so over a year ago. lol What exactly do you think your superiors caught wind of, that they would move him to another building? Because it doesn't sound like anything happened, besides you liking him, but treating him coldly. I would suggest you do your best to move on. It's not unusual to still think about an unrequited crush, particularly if there are no other options at the moment, but considering nothing ever happened, I think it's best to move on and pursue more viable choices in your life. Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks Ariel, still dont get your point regarding when it started and when it ended...everything is not relevant to how long. For me it is relevant that too many questions have gone answered, and why he turned so cold...I am sure in April of next year I will question myself of why am I laboring over this. I appreciate you advise and will wait until April (A WHOLE YEAR) to allow myself to get over it. LOL Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi Matme, We went out for over a year and lived together. There was about the same difference in age. He only found out my actual age about 8 or 9 months in. Actually while we were away on vacation his sister arranged to have a bouncer at a bar check my ID and report back to her. He said he really never cared about the actual number. He said he never even did the math on the year I was born. I mean I feel I look a lot younger, and he wore facial hair to look older, but yes, there was still an obvious age gap. I was about one week in to the relationship when I found out his age-- I thought her was about 4, or 5 years older than his actual age. I was shocked, but that didn't stop me. I agree with Ariel...It seems like a longing for something unrequited. Any guy who would date an older woman doest care about the actual number. You didn't blow anything. The actual age would not stop him if he was really interested. Also, did he asks you out at any point? The women at work may have done something. I just cannot believe he would be turned off by your age if he was totally in to you in the first place. Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi again, I agree with both Ariel and you, He asked me out in a round about way the next day after I told him my age. He came over to me when nobody was around and shyly asked what I was doing this weekend. But it through me off because we were at work...and I just figured he would know better then to approach me at work. Anyway that is what I meant by miss opportunity. When he asked me that .. is said" sleeping til 10 and then do whatever I want" He was like a little puppy when I said that. Anyway, it was all over the office, he blabbed to somebody and made it bad for me there. I am trying to move on, but I also want the truth..hopefully I will find out. Thank you again to both of you for listening to me whine. LOL And thank you SadChic for sharing your experience, Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks Ariel, still dont get your point regarding when it started and when it ended...everything is not relevant to how long. For me it is relevant that too many questions have gone answered, and why he turned so cold...I am sure in April of next year I will question myself of why am I laboring over this. I appreciate you advise and will wait until April (A WHOLE YEAR) to allow myself to get over it. LOL The relevance is that this all occurred over a year ago, nothing ever happened with this guy, yet you're still stuck and not moving forward. If this was recent, I can understand the struggle and questions, but you met him over a year ago and haven't had any contact in over 6 months... Why did he turn cold? Well, it doesn't sound like you were ever warm to him. You admitted you were consistently mean to him, in fact. Most people won't continue to try to be friends with anyone who is being mean to them. Maybe he was being nice to you because you were the senior member of the team, and he wanted to get along with his coworkers? Who knows. I still think the thing to focus on is that nothing happened with him, and a lot of your crush feelings very well could have been manifested or one-sided. Regardless, I think to still obsess over this after so much time isn't healthy for you. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 He asked me out in a round about way the next day after I told him my age. He came over to me when nobody was around and shyly asked what I was doing this weekend. But it through me off because we were at work...and I just figured he would know better then to approach me at work. Anyway that is what I meant by miss opportunity. When he asked me that .. is said" sleeping til 10 and then do whatever I want" He was like a little puppy when I said that. Anyway, it was all over the office, he blabbed to somebody and made it bad for me there. I am trying to move on, but I also want the truth..hopefully I will find out. Thank you again to both of you for listening to me whine. LOL And thank you SadChic for sharing your experience, Um, I'm not sure this is an accurate perception. Someone asking what you're doing over the weekend is something that coworkers ask each other on a Friday. I wouldn't construe this as the same as him asking you out. And I still don't get what he "blabbed" about and how he made the workplace bad for you, nor do I get how the superiors caught wind of what was going on, when nothing was actually going on. It seems like you were super cool to him consistently, you never dated, so what possibly could the bosses have witnessed? Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hi again, I agee with what Ariel and you both say, Something happened and I dont know what it was...I think that is the main thing that is driving me crazy. Thank you Ariel for your advise, and thank you sadchick for sharing your experience and listening to me whine. Hopefully some light would shed on this situation...thanks again.... Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel, I understand your questioning what was going on.. but sometimes you just have to be there... and again your advise in greatly appreciated. I dont expect you to get it. That day I told him how old I was, he ran right the office gossip...and she did not like me... And your comment regarding the normal question of what was I was doing this weekend,...was out of the ordinary for him. He was very shy, turned red, and his voice quivered..meaning he was visabily uncomfortable...I shot it down with my response. Now, you can go on and believe whatever you want...BUT I know better. Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel, just read you other post...you seem very angry and I am not sure why...did you experience something like this before, or are you just against what was happening Link to comment
Alezia Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I don't understand why you tried to run away at all costs, for this only to resurface 6 months later? Is there anything which brings you to question your earlier interactions? or are you feeling lonely? Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hello Alezia, Thank you for that question, I think I struggled with my feelings...and it took me six months to question it. I have been thinking about it since April, but have not discussed it with anyone. I made decisions and I am now realizing the consequences. Just needed to write it down (and I cant write all of it down...too complicated). Lonely,perhaps,not afraid of the that, but mostly having regrets. Lonely is not something I am afraid of, making a big mistake is something I need to understand and not repeat.....does anybody get it now?> Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel, just read you other post...you seem very angry and I am not sure why...did you experience something like this before, or are you just against what was happening LOL. Uh, no. If I was interested in a guy, I wouldn't be mean to him and turn him off. It's just odd that nothing happened with this guy, but a year later, you're still obsessing on it. If what you're saying is the truth, that he was genuinely interested in you, then isn't the real question here why you went out of your way to be cold and mean to him repeatedly? Why did you do your best to turn him off? I would think that is the larger issue, rather than wondering why he lost interest, which isn't too hard to understand. Like I said earlier, most healthy people won't tolerate being mistreated by someone they like, so what did you expect him to do? Continue to act like a puppy dog, even though you were figuratively kicking him in the head every time he came around? Bottom line, you did all you could to make sure he lost interest in you, and now, a year later, you're wondering why he lost interest. Um... Link to comment
Alezia Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I can understand the fact that you've both met in a work environment under a employee-supervisor relationship that it is not the best environment in order to go 'live and public' with a relationship. Even though you're both single, you'll remain under the scrutiny of the entire company. It's really hard to judge how people feel about you in a corporate environment. It is easy to read things the wrong way, or more than they intended to be. Do you still have his contact information? It may be a little late, but perhaps he'd still be willing to go grab a drink? Link to comment
Alezia Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Yeah, I don't personally act like this with people I try to attract - but I suppose that's the whole beauty in love and attraction. If it's rational, it's probably boring. I know I'm one of these people that gets crushes which maintain for a long time if I am in contact with the person. It can take me a good 4-12 months to get over someone if I am really really attracted to them after I lose contact. I've been like this since I was young. I can see why she would be feeling like this, but either you have to act on it or choose to forget about it completely. Link to comment
missmar Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel, wow, you still still dont get it...it started a year ago it ended 6 month ago. So it is 6mos later, This post was because i just started questioning my actions. i will say I appreciate your response..but you still dont get me or this situation. Your replies are appreciated, but just dont make sense to me..so thank you anyway Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Matme - It sounds like this guy had no game and could not even figure out how to connect with you. If "sleeping till 10 then doing whatever I want to" = Shot down?? What?? If this a shut down line then he is truly beyond hope. He could have come back with a dozen clever responses that were both work appropriate and yet made clear his interest in you. My bigger question is why you are still wondering about this guy? Okay, I grant that there was a spark but he turned 12th grade on you and blew your business all over the office which made it uncomfortable for to you work there. I cannot see what makes this guy so unforgettable in your mind. He came of as completely immature and unable to deal with how to court you effectively. Just imagine the disaster he would have been in real life should this have progressed beyond fantasy time... Take off the rose colored glasses and keep your eyes open for someone who can fulfill the expectations you seem to have placed on this guy. I am curious, just what were the ages involved here? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Ariel, wow, you still still dont get it...it started a year ago it ended 6 month ago. So it is 6mos later, This post was because i just started questioning my actions. i will say I appreciate your response..but you still dont get me or this situation. Your replies are appreciated, but just dont make sense to me..so thank you anyway Yeah, I guess I don't get it. You spent 6 months doing all in your power to repeatedly reject a guy you say you had feelings for and believe were mutual, and now, 6 months later of not seeing him nor talking to him, you're wondering why he got turned off. I guess it doesn't make sense to me, either. lol Does it make sense to you, though? Link to comment
Alezia Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Yeah, I also find it particularly bizarre that he'd be going all over the office talking about you in that way. I suppose I'm slightly awkward with my emotions, but I'd rather be fired than have love gossip around me in the office. Especially about my employee - ouch !!!! The only way I find it acceptable is if you are certain that the emotions are mutual and you are ready to go public after having been in a relationship for a period of time. Link to comment
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