butterflyburn Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 So I am trying to move on from my new ex but it seems what this recent break up unearthed are some unresolved issues with the earlier ex. Turns out I thought I was through but I am not even half through with the earlier ex. I feel like I am healing over two people now. The sad thing is that me and the earlier ex ended in 2007. I had re-established contact with the earlier ex actually and had talked and I thought I was through and had got closure. But clearly not, see as I wrote these two emails just early today after I woke up stewing, bitter and angry as hell. How do I get past this anger and bitterness? I really want to but I am so raging now it is not even cool _____ Email One Dear (Let us call him John) I thought about you last night. Yes, I thought I was through and okay with everything but the fact is you lied and cheated. You lied about your children and the fact that you left because you found your now wife. You did not find her after we had broken up. You left to be with her. I am glad it worked out for you. I wish you nothing but the best for your future. Good bye Butterfly Email Two, 12 hours later I am sorry if my message sounded harsh but that is how I feel now and I do not want to pretend. Right now I need to process my feelings and heal. I hope you understand. I hope one day I can relate to you without any bitterness or anger. But right now I cannot seem to be able to do that. I am feeling what I am feeling and I need time to be okay. Good day Butterfly Link to comment
DN Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I think you should restrain yourself from sending any more messages as they are more likely to escalate your feelings rarher than diminish them. Venting does not always help - volcanoes tend to vent just before they erupt. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Let it lie butterfly, i'm feeling all the feelings you're feeling but i'm just gonna deal with it....you can't do anymore, all this anger and resentment is inside you, just let it all go for your own sanity. love loulou x Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 You'd be better off writing these things down but not with the intention of sending them. Just to get the bad feeling out if it makes them easier to leave behind! Every time you send mail like this there is probably a small part of you that is looking for a response to make you feel better... And that is not going to happen! DN - Maybe we could have a 'letters I'll never send' forum for people to purge? Or otherwise butterfly, how about starting a journal here where you can write all these feeling down, and then slowly start to leave them behind Link to comment
ButterflyWrists Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 If you want to email him, write them out in a word document, but do not send. Constantly re-opening the wounds from this will only hinder the healing. You know the truth, now just try and do things to better you, join a new club/sport if your into going to gigs and concerts, find people with similar interests and get out there, have fun. Realise that you did nothing to make him cheat, he chose to do that on his own back, rather than communicate with you. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 I think you should restrain yourself from sending any more messages as they are more likely to escalate your feelings rarher than diminish them. Venting does not always help - volcanoes tend to vent just before they erupt. I am going to try and work through both break ups this time. Because for example with an earlier ex, he did the same. Left me for someone else but I have no bad feelings and get in touch with him. He is even a friend now. God, I hate being at this place but I shall survive it too. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Let it lie butterfly, i'm feeling all the feelings you're feeling but i'm just gonna deal with it....you can't do anymore, all this anger and resentment is inside you, just let it all go for your own sanity. love loulou x No more emails. I promise. Although I admit I do feel better after I sent the first email because I felt that he gets to go away feeling good about himself. In our earlier conversations I had 'forgiven him' and I just felt it was so unfair. For what it is worth I feel like he at least got to have a bad day and in that sense then the email was my poetic justice and he can go on with him life but at least he knows he hurt me. I do not think he did before. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 You'd be better off writing these things down but not with the intention of sending them. Just to get the bad feeling out if it makes them easier to leave behind! Every time you send mail like this there is probably a small part of you that is looking for a response to make you feel better... And that is not going to happen! DN - Maybe we could have a 'letters I'll never send' forum for people to purge? Or otherwise butterfly, how about starting a journal here where you can write all these feeling down, and then slowly start to leave them behind Thanks flyingpiglet. I really felt like that email got out what I had been wanting to say for years. So I have no excuse but to get on with my life now. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 If you want to email him, write them out in a word document, but do not send. Constantly re-opening the wounds from this will only hinder the healing. You know the truth, now just try and do things to better you, join a new club/sport if your into going to gigs and concerts, find people with similar interests and get out there, have fun. Realise that you did nothing to make him cheat, he chose to do that on his own back, rather than communicate with you. Thanks Butterfly~Wrists. I think I got it out and have now let it go. It was really eating me up Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 You said the guy is married now right? Just leave him alone....let him be faithful to his new wife. (not that he will be, cause he's a cheater!) but you don't want to stoop to his level and become a cheater too. Now about rage, anger and bitterness...Yes I will be the first to admit I have those feelings and thoughts. I too hate the ex. I hate him for leading me on, for breaking my heart, for abusing me, spitting on my face, pulling my hair, I hate him for cheating on me, I hate him for his stupid porn addiction so he could NEVER make love to his own freaking wife, I hate him for disrespecting him, I hate him for being lazy and never buying me gifts, never wanting to work out with me, never buying me ANYTHING without breaking it to pieces a day or two later, I hate him for treating my family badly, I hate him for treating HIS family badly, I hate him for treating his WONDERFUL MOTHER like CRAP!!!! I hate him for being so anti social. I hate him for wanting to do bad things like drugs, drinking yet hold a double standard. I HATE HIM for being a total HYPOCRITE! I hate him for judging ME when he was the one doing bad stuff. I hate him for wanting to go out with his friends, after making me get rid of mine. I hate him for not letting me on FB even though he went to his own message boards ALL the time to chat with HIS friends. I hate him for promising to give my kid and I a home, yet we got nothing. I wasted 4 years with this son of a ... I am angry and bitter but I don't let it show. don't let it get the best of you. Do what you can do be happy even though our ex's are jack you know whats!!!! Truthfully, hopefully both will die Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hug Notagoodninja Link to comment
jsd43953 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Butterfly, The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself, for what is worth. Then you have to forgive the exs. I know this is easier said than done, but you are holding yourself prisoner by these feelings because you have not managed to heal. Think about this, we attract the type of people who reflect how we feel. In this theory if you hold this anger, bitterness, and pain you are going to attract those type of individuals, and quite frankily you cant find love outta two broken people. I think you need to forgive, learn, heal and love yourself so that you can project that thus receiving the love that you truly deserve. Life works in circles, what you put out comes back and what you do to others comes back. You'd be surprised about the power of forgiveness. I am a witness..my heart is broken but even so I forgive her whole heartedly knowing that if you love someone it takes forgivness to be able to move along and make your relationship grow even when it doesnt look like that. Just my two cents, hope something I said helps. Food for thought: Sometimes we must be broken down to be built back up. Link to comment
butterflyburn Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Thanks you for your thoughts. U know after sending those emails I have been feeling so good after all. U know all these years I bought the story these exes fed me, that I was the problem and therefore internalized and could not go past that. Suddenly by focusing on myself I am coming to the realisation that yes, I was not perfect but they left and their reasons had nothing to do with how awful I was. I just went over the things I put up with and u know what, I am actually proud of me and the choices I made at the time which might have encouraged them to leave because they saw that I was not so blind after all. Talk of a light bulb moment. All these years I have been wasting time over grief. I tell you self awareness is what I am focusing on now. So in that sense, yes, I am forgiving myself but not for feeling like I failed but for wasting my time blaming myself when all I should have cultivated was having the presence of mind to sort through everything I was ever told. Goodness... Thanks much bro and good luck in your own journey Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Most emotions such as anger, hate, frustration often cover fear - fear over not having control over your own life/relationship/happiness. So in order to feel better and get rid of those negative emotions, you need to get back in control of your own life. In honesty, you are the only one who has control over it, but sometimes we seem to forget that. Yes, there are very good reasons why you should/could continue to feel anger and hate towards your ex - but that will not lead to anything useful for you. Instead, start focusing on what you can do differently in the future in order to avoid getting into a similar situation. You can't predict if someone will cheat on you or be simply a negative person - but you can decide/take precautions how soon you will recognize that and what you will do as soon as you encounter red flags. You can also focus on how you screen people if they are suitable as a partner. Maybe you only let attraction be your guide so far - but with a bit of pause for thinking and evaluation early on you may avoid investing into someone who is not worth it. Link to comment
jsd43953 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Well self reflection is always a good step in healing and making progress. Looks like you just hit the HOV lane to the road to a healthy loving caring you. I would just keep that up and remember how you feel now, so if you ever seem to be slipping you have something to grasp at. I have a favor, I could use your advice here: Day 12 of NC and texted by ex? Advice? (its in the same forum). Thanks Kid. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hug Notagoodninja awww thanks Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Butterfly, I did a somewhat similar thing. My last email was to let my ex know that in response to her saying she would always be there for me, was that she hadnt been in the way I wanted and needed and she didnt respect me. I felt good too because I know she blamed me for the break up almost entirely and she has a hard time seeing her part ever. That was over a month ago and I havent heard a word. Because she plays the victim, I thought she should know she hurt me too. I wont however, send anything else.... I know anger and rage are a part of healing though I am not sure how to heal this except to feel the emotions, and not deny they exist. I write out what I am angry about on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex". I know any feeling I supress is going to come back to bite me in the you know what. If I dont allow the feelings to surface and examine them, and embrace them- then I really wont heal and I will end up with bitterness and never get to forgivness. I believe its a process that takes time. I just bought the book Endy recommended "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and there is a section on anger and rage. I am looking forward to reading it. Dont beat youself up about what is done. Keep moving forward! We will all get there together. Link to comment
sweetgirl030 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I sooooo understand where you are coming from, and I wish I could give you some advice but my situation is very similar from what I have read anyways but If you want to talk more about it I would be glad to Link to comment
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