Emotional pickle, female opinion perhaps

[Tucker798]

Hey

 

I'm a 20 year old student at a university and I just wanted a female opinion on this situation, they seem to understand girl motives a lot more

 

This is such a pickle so I think it requires me to tell you a bit of ground work first, sorry.

I'm in my second year, first year of university I lived with 6 people, two of which this concerns & a girl about 4 doors down.

First week of freshers I slept with a girl 4 doors down, just a one off thing.

Then about a month later, I started sleeping with one girl I lived with, only about 6 times total, over the space of about a month.

She had a boyfriend, I felt bad, we stopped. Later on she slept with someone else, so I had a word with her quite brutally in person about it, saying she should tell her boyfriend about everything. (guilt got to me, hes living obliviously about 50 miles away about everything)

 

Basically, this girl I live with, and slept with, over the year, she became really good friends with the girl 4 doors down I slept with

 

Now the girl I can't stop thinking about is the 2nd housemate I lived with for the year. She knows all about the two girls obviously (I told her). She knows the two girls I slept with very well, and unfortunately, is currently living with both of them (what are the chances?!?!)

When we met she had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, half way through the year we started hanging out pretty much all day every day. I told her about the other girls I slept with about 3 weeks into us hanging out loads.

For the last 3 months of university at least, spent our lives in each others' rooms, talking laughing.

For about 2 of those months, it was cuddling, eskimo kissing, holding hands and putting our arms around each other whilst walking around etc, all the indications that she liked me. About 3 of our friends we're asking about us etc.

When there was one month left of university, he boyfriend broke up with her, she came running in my room crying on me for ages, it was horrible seeing her like that, took her town etc.

Now for this last month, we still hung around just as much, except this time we were exchanging presents, even sharing a bed some nights, we'd stay up talking and just fall asleep.

Now I don't know if this last single month with her, if she was just using me to help get over her ex-boyfriend or whether she liked me.

I told her that I loved her with about 2 weeks left of university time, she didn't really react or know what to say. I felt like I'd been pathetic, it was a big thing for me I'd never told a girl I loved her before, so I paniced and took it back, said I might be naive. I asked if there was every a chance and she kept saying i dont know i dont know, then ended up snapping and being like no. Then went on to say she didnt want to "ruin the friendship" - worst thing a girl can ever say...

I don't know, you never know if you're going to meet someone else and love them more, so how can there be a definite love with someone. But I've never felt the same about anyone before, I've had year long relationships too, I aware that this might sound naive but im sure its not.

 

Anyway, I left campus on the friday, she was leaving on sunday. On the one day, saturday, I was off campus; she slept with one of my best mates I made at uni I made, that I'm living with this year. She rang me two days into the holiday to tell me.

It was horrible, I was upset for about a month. I had such a go at her on the phone.

& it doesn't stop there, I sent her relentless texts, some soppy, some brutally harsh, so out of order that I'm surprised I said them back now. I also went sooo weird, I sent her 2000 words on FB (I know) & spammed texts quite a bit.

This was throughout the summer holidays (8 odd weeks)..Now we're back at university.

So we've decided to meet up in about 3 days, I don't know what to say to her, obviously apologize like there's no tomorrow.

She knew I liked her and she still slept with my mate.

So the situation is I went soooo mental at her, I've slept with two of her house mates and shes slept with one of mine.

Have I done irreparable damage with all the horrible things?

She said she didn't want to ruin the friendship, and thats its not shes not attracted to me, and with all the arms around each other and gifts etc, there must of been some emotion there?

I'm seeing her in a few days, I'm not sure how to tackle it.

I haven't seen her since we left university about 6 months ago, and the distance has only made me feel like I love her more.

I still would love a relationship with her, but, have I completely and utter blown it? Is it way too complicated?

 

Thanks a lot for replying if you do, this is a hell of an essay.

[meoww]

it does sound like you were in love with her. I don't think you should apologize or meet up with her. She didn't love you back. My suggestion to you is to put this behind you and remember not to get too out of sorts when this happens again. People are going to continue to play games with you but you have to take care of yourself. Better to learn this sooner rather than later! I know I didn't lol. Why apologize? It sounds like she intentionally lead you on. I would act like the whole thing never happened and slowly get friendly with her if you really intend on being her friend and nothing else. If you guys are ever on good terms again you can apologize, I guess, but I really think it takes two to create messy situations.

[Tucker798]

Is it really that black & white? I don't really think I want to just leave it, I don't think I'll move on properly until I try it one more time, different year different dynamics. The way we were acting together, would a woman really do that with no emotional motive? Do they just love male attention? I'm putting down her sleeping with my best mate as a crazy rebound move from her boyfriend. Her boyfriend did dump her and start seeing another girl straight away.

What I was thinking of doing in the first place was meet up with her, mention it for like a couple of minutes at the beginning and then try and go back to the way that things were, get just as close. Then perhaps see if anything blooms from there? Obviously I won't allow myself to get as hung up on her as before.

I fully agree with the same mistake thing twice, I thought I was untouchable after my previous relationships but yet again I managed to get messed up again.

[Snny]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news and be a little harsh here, but this girl straight up used you.

 

The facts: She slept with you while in a relationship with another guy (yet you allowed it at first and knew about it), then went over to you to cry about it when he broke up with her. Can't really blame the dude since his girlfriend was being a college tramp by cheating on him and sleeping with other dudes. You'd be upset if your girlfriend did that to you, right?

 

So then... she uses you as a rebound, an emotional security blanket because whatever it was bit her on the ass. She knew you were the only guy to give her attention and even get sexual with her because it didn't matter as long as she got it. Poor you... this was one girl you fell in love with and I bet you thought she was being real with you and left her boyfriend for you. Honestly if she did leave the guy for you, she would of quickly broken the relationship off herself instead of being dumped. Also since she had cheated on her boyfriend... how can you trust her to be faithful to you if you do have a relationship together?

 

 

 

Honestly and sorry to sound judgmental here... I laughed when she said that she "didn't want to ruin a friendship." Kind of a lousy excuse when she goes off sleeping with another guy right after she says this. If is difficult to be friends with someone if you have strong feeling for them and the other person isn't receptive to them. She wasn't in for you... she just wanted the sex with no strings attached while living away at college because you provided her that "convenience" when she was in an LDR. You gave her that opportunity and she used you. Once you said you wanted a relationship with her... she moves on to the next guy. It's not your fault and I know it hurts, but that is what her behavior and action are saying.

 

You are wasting time with this girl. Move on.

 

would a woman really do that with no emotional motive? Do they just love male attention?

Both men AND women are capable of doing that. When she started having sex with you while in a relationship, that should of been a clear sign of what kind of person she truly is.

[Stay_home]

When we met she had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, half way through the year we started hanging out pretty much all day every day. I told her about the other girls I slept with about 3 weeks into us hanging out loads.

 

This is the beginning of the end in my opinion. If she would cheat on her boyfriend of 2.5 years, I would not have believed that she would be anymore loyal to me than she has been with him. That, in my opinion, should've immediately set off a red flag. This is a very complicated situation that I feel just needs to be buried in lye and set on fire as nothing good will come out of it. You've been with her housemates, she's slept with one of yours, cheated on her boyfriend of 2.5 years. I just think this whole thing stinks to high heaven. ~

[anya1607307555]

^ I agree with 2 sided-coin.

 

I would put it down to experience and move on. After a 6 month break, I would be aiming to start the second year with a clean slate.

[Tucker798]

A lot of that does make sense.

 

But I'm sorry there's been some confusion with what I took, I blurted it out a bit.

She had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, she never cheated on him. He broke up with her with a month left of uni, then after she was upset and slept with my best mate.

We we're hanging around loads together when she was still in a relationship, and then even more and more flirty when she'd been dumped.

I'm fully aware of how she was using me for a self esteem boost. I said to her that its unfair for girls to string a long guys after a relationship just to use their emotions as trophies to prove they're still likable.

She's never cheated and shes such an amazing girl. All my male friends here at university, if I ask them about it they either tell me to * * * * her off and egg me on to be a * * * * * to her, or just tell me that I'm a * * * * * . I know I do sound kinda pathetic over one girl after half a year.

I slept with my other housemate I don' like, then moved on to her, isn't it a bit unfair to say she was using me, when I could of been using the other girl?

But that wasn't in my mind it just happened, it could of just happened with my best mate.

This is such a complicated situation, sometimes I think it would be easier like you all said, to just bail on it - But we're meeting soon.

Why would she want to meet up if she only wants friendship with me? I don't think anyone would be that forgiving after some of the stuff I said to her.

Shes dyslexic, so within all the texts and stuff there might of been some confusing.

You're advise sounds all top notch, a lot less aggressive than my friends.

I haven't even seen her in person since it happened its all been through technology

[Stay_home]

It is complicated, OP, you're right about that for sure.

 

I do think that it would be, however, in your best interest to let this one go. Quitting while you're ahead, isn't the same as quitting. And this situation has nothing good that will come from it. You won't trust her nearly as much as you may think even if you two did become an exclusive item. Rightfully so, why should you? This was a clear case of karma, you used the other girl, and this girl used you.

[Tucker798]

I know I'm partly to blame for sleeping with people she knows, it takes two to tango. That's the main reason why I want to try so hard again because, from what it appears it all just seems to be bad timing. She wants to meet tomorrow instead now, I'll just go and blag it I think. I don't to over think this, if anything good happens it'll happen.

Perhaps it's best for me to just not bring up any of the past when we meet up? Just act like we were. Thanks for this anyway.

[anya1607307555]

It seems such a mess to be honest. I don't mean to be harsh but you really didn't have a leg to stand on when you 'had a go at her' for sleeping with your friend, you seemed to be okay with getting very close to other people's girlfriends until that point. There seems to have been little to no respect shown from both sides.

[Snny]

But I'm sorry there's been some confusion with what I took, I blurted it out a bit.

She had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, she never cheated on him. He broke up with her with a month left of uni, then after she was upset and slept with my best mate.

That's not what I read in the first post:

Then about a month later, I started sleeping with one girl I lived with, only about 6 times total, over the space of about a month.

She had a boyfriend, I felt bad, we stopped. Later on she slept with someone else, so I had a word with her quite brutally in person about it, saying she should tell her boyfriend about everything. (guilt got to me, hes living obliviously about 50 miles away about everything)

 

????

 

I'm fully aware of how she was using me for a self esteem boost. I said to her that its unfair for girls to string a long guys after a relationship just to use their emotions as trophies to prove they're still likable.

I don't mean to shoot you down here, but you mentioned about having casual with other girls in too and that THIS particular girl was the first you had feelings with?

 

I slept with my other housemate I don' like, then moved on to her, isn't it a bit unfair to say she was using me, when I could of been using the other girl?

That's what I've been questioning here too. Or that those girls wanted only casual sex like the girl you're after

 

 

The feelings you're projecting on to this girl, who doesn't see eye-to-eye with you, are only adding to the confusion. She also isn't being 100% honest with you either and is very fickled with what her needs are. It's one of the reasons why many people don't have sex before dating or don't believe in casual sex because it can bring out the best or the worst out of them when feelings get involved and the other party isn't receptive of it. But seriously though... this girl isn't a catch, and has a lot of stability, commitment issues. She is out of the picture.

 

The question you should be asking yourself is what do you WANT out of a partner and find someone who matches with your needs. Or are you ready for that level?

[Tucker798]

I didn't want to mention names, so I see where the confusion is. Two girls I lived with, say girl A, and girl B. Girl A I slept with for a while whilst she had a boyfriend, it was casual wanted nothing more. She wanted her cake and she wanted to eat it too I think, boyfriend at home, single at uni.

Girl B is the other girl I lived with the one I'm crazy over.

Yeah she is fickle, she may not be a catch but shes caught me. She's still not over her boyfriend I think.

I regret sleeping with the girls she living with now so badly, if I knew I'd of met her, and that she'd be living with them I would of never ever done it.

I heard from her friend the other day that she was worried about meeting me for giving me the wrong impression, but surely that would come down to me coming on ridiculously strong and clingey over the summer holidays? The way we acted together couldn't of involved no emotions at all, so maybe in time?

 

 

She's agreed she's been a * * * * * to me, and I've agreed I've been horrible to her.

To put in one question;

 

I don't care how long it takes, or what I have to do, when I meet her in a couple of days, & I apologize and become friendly, if we stay in contact (even if not much), in a years time or something, do you reckon we could slowly start seeing each other more, and something could come of it?

I was thinking about saying, this is just a ridiculously complicated situation, we've both made mistakes and there too much going on for us to comprehend/address it all, can we just forget about the last year and have a completely fresh start from now?

[Tucker798]

 

The question you should be asking yourself is what do you WANT out of a partner and find someone who matches with your needs. Or are you ready for that level?

 

I don't think my feelings for her is revolving around this consummate ideology of love, marriage etc. But I would like to be with her for as long as I can. No one can predict the future, so going into a relationship assigning a set level to it's outcome is essentially setting yourself up for upset I think.

[CountryHGirl]

Being a girl, im just gunna put out my 2 cents on this.

 

The third girl is the one you love, correct? But she had a boyfriend. First off, if i was a guy id try to stear clear of hopeless situations like this. I do not want to come off as mean, but putting yourself in that situation was a bad idea. Do you have a habit of picking girls that are not physically/emotionally available? I had a problem like this before, and never realized it until i was out of the tunnel of confusion.

 

Secondly, as for this girl, it seems like she felt lonely without her bf. Alot of times girls cant do long distance, or if they are being neglected physically or emotionally by their bf they will venture out and seek other options. But, the trend with these girls is they never leave their boyfriend. Deep down they want attention, to be cared for, and see how far they can take the situation whilst still being in control and comfortable.

 

It seems to me she is a user. She may very well be a great girl, but the reality is that even though she may not realize it, shes using people. I suggest that you do not start a relationship with her, unless you want to be hurt more than you already do now. Ultimately you will probably do what you want to, and thats ok. But be aware that things may not turn out so well.

[Tucker798]

I met up with her, was all friendly and that.

She said she had a boyfriend when she met me so she only saw me as a friend, and then after they broke up she kind of still did see me as a friend.

We're both seeing other people now, we told each other.

Is there any way to get out of this 'friend zone'? If there even is one?

She'd just gotten out of a long term relationship so I can understand why, she said that isn't that shes not attracted to me, or is that her just trying to nice? (i.e i see you as a friend = not attracted in girl language)

It's been 4 days since we met, she said we should get together sometime and watch this film we were going to watch.

I was thinking of texting her tomorrow about meeting up in the library or something casual like that.

Thanks in advance!

[Snny]

She said she had a boyfriend when she met me so she only saw me as a friend, and then after they broke up she kind of still did see me as a friend.

We're both seeing other people now, we told each other.

Is there any way to get out of this 'friend zone'? If there even is one?

She straight up used you. She had sex with you while in a relationship... why on earth would you want to be with someone who has treated a previous boyfriend like trash? If you do end up with you, she'll treat you the same way.

 

Let this one go.

[abitbroken]

Okay - now you slept with the girl down the hall AND your roommate, and then the girl down the hall moves in with all of you, and the girl you really like does too? Do I have that right, or are hall girl and the roommate friends but don't live together.

 

Anyway - my recommendations? Stop sleeping with roommates out of convenience and I also think you are someone who should not have female roommates you are not related to. I know people think that its "the thing" to have a coed apartment or whatever, but for you, you can't do that. Please try to get the next living situation to be with a male roommate(s) only.

 

And yes, I think the "girl you love" just sees you as a friend. Why would she want a relationship with you if you slept with two of her friends in addition to that? Just my two cents.