Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 So I just ended things with my boyfriend of nearly two years literally moments ago and I honestly have no idea what to feel. Things had been going really great since we got back together and then slowly I started to find out he was smoking pot and drinking again, then our time together started to dwindle, then he started cancelling plans with me again... basically an entire replay of our relationship last year when he was struggling with depression. But I stuck through it this time because overall, things have been going really well for us. We weren't fighting, we were more involved in each other's lives, everything was going really great and I was SO proud of him for picking himself up again. This morning he was at his Mom's and sent a text saying he would be back in town later cause he had made plans with his friends and there was a party he was supposed to be attending. He made these plans last night. Well, all week we had been discussing plans for tonight and up until yesterday they were still a go. I reminded him of this and he said sorry, that he had forgotten, and he would make it up to me another time. I know this may seem like not a huge thing to most people, but he has always been inconsiderate of my feelings and this is just one of the many ways. I told him that he should stick with our plans rather than go out to this party, as ours had been made well in advance, and he just kept saying he didn't know what he should do...even though I was telling him what he should do But he downright refused to back out of the party, and I told him if he couldn't put in the effort with us like he does with his friends, then I was done and I didn't want him in my life anymore. He started going on about 'you deserve better' 'I am not the person you want me to be' 'You shouldn't have to wait for me' and all that crap... Which I am wise to as I went through this with him before and I know it's a game to get me to feel bad and revoke my anger. So he gets to do what he wants with no consequence while he continues to hurt me and I get to say nothing of it. Everything just kind of came flooding back and was like 'It's begun again!! Get out while you still can!'. So I told him again to decide what he wants and he just kept throwing it in my face how much he hates himself, what a bad person he is, etc... I told him I didn't want him in my life anymore and not to contact me. I have blocked and deleted his number, blocked and deleted his Facebook, and any other thing I can block and delete him from will surely follow if I can find it Honestly I am really hurt right now, and angry, and frustrated, and I can't even cry about it. I stood by him through so much, supported him, encouraged him to be the person he wanted to be, and I got treated like this. It feels surprisingly good to own my happiness again. It feels good to put a stop to the way he made me feel, but it also really sucks to know he was the first person I could honestly say I loved and he refused to show it back, no matter how much he said it. ARghargharg. Anyone wanna share? Commiserate? Bash their ex? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 What did he say when you ended it? Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 What did he say when you ended it? He said he isn't ready to be the person I need him to be - which is sad to me because all I have ever asked is that he be considerate and honest. I don't care what he does or who with as long as he is open and honest with me, or shows me the same consideration as everyone else, and he has never been able to do that. I explained this to him and he just said again that he knows I deserve better than him, that I shouldn't have to wait for him to be good to me. So then I just agreed and said not to contact me again. Link to comment
DN Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I know it hurts but you have been extraordinarily patient and he has been inconsiderate and selfish. His self-condemnation is nonsense and a cover for doing only what he wants to. This guy is not ready for a relationship and you are better off looking for someone else. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 He said he isn't ready to be the person I need him to be - which is sad to me because all I have ever asked is that he be considerate and honest. I don't care what he does or who with as long as he is open and honest with me, or shows me the same consideration as everyone else, and he has never been able to do that. You have stated your needs and he can't give them to you. You are very wise to leave him. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 You have stated your needs and he can't give them to you. You are very wise to leave him. Thank you. My gut has been telling me for a while to get out of this, but as far as I was concerned we were ok, so I just ignored that. It feels good that I can tell myself that I didn't stick around to put up with his games again. But I'm also crying about it now Silly feelings. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 You gave it your all, now it's time to allow yourself to grieve, and begin to move forward. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. Take care... Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Thanks, HeartGoesOn... I did give it my all with him. I allowed myself to be emotionally and mentally drained by him, and everything I always said I would never do in a relationship I did with him without even realising I was doing it. It really irks me that everything basically weighed in on his decision today - if he would have just stuck with our plans things probably would have been fine. If he would have, when it really comes down to it, showed me that he cared about me then I wouldn't have ended things with him. I told my Mom, who told a few of her friends and a few of our neighbours and there are people outside dancing and celebrating that I have ended things with him which is on one hand beautiful to see how much support I have just out of my neighbours alone but I feel like I should be crying and not eating and having mini break downs. But maybe they are right after all? Maybe I should be dancing. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Hi Lithp, You stood up for yourself and it sounds like you've come to realize that no matter how good things are initially with this guy they will devolve back down to what they were before--him disrespecting you to carry on his own plans confident that you'll be there when he comes home. I've been through the same and while the excuses may change--and they are excuses, not reasons--the fact remains he isn't willing to change. Making plans with you all week then flaking out to go to someone else's party is a big deal since it screams he is going to be doing something he doesn't want you to see and/or know about. Good for you on getting out. My only word of caution is don't be friends or accept any offer of friendship from him. It sounds like you've pretty much closed that door too, which is good. He says he isn't good enough for you, and he's right. Once the shock wears off you'll likely cry and feel sad, but I think there is a part of you that is also very, very tired and was possibly expecting this to happen. And now that he's proven it you can and will move on this time more easily. Stay strong. You'll wake up one day and be grateful you got out. Link to comment
seanryder Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Hi There, You did your best. From what I read this is not the guy for you...never was or never will be. Respect and consideration are the foundations of ANY relationship, and not to have those key elements with your partner is a major red-flag. You have done the right thing....even though your ex said it to try and offload his guilt, he is bang-on-the-money when he says "you deserve better than me". You do, no question. The issue wasn't about this party tonight and that is plain to see. Just be glad he showed his true colors before things got more serious and something like marriage was considered. Take time to grieve and then move on. We're behind you all the way. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 He ended things with my earlier this year for a bit - he was struggling with depression and using drugs to cope, I was trying to get him help instead of relying on substances and he broke up with me. I remained friends with him because I wanted to show him what it is to have support, to have true friends, and to have love in your life. He picked himself up and started getting help, cut out most of his friends, got a good job, everything turned around for him and I was extremely proud. We ended up getting back together and only recently I found out he's smoking weed and drinking again, he quit his job, and now he has started ditching me again - all within the last month or so. So this is screaming for me to get out - my gut has been telling me to for months and I have ignored it. Today was basically the last straw and on one hand I know I made the right choice, but on the other I feel really empty. I gave him so much and I got treated like sh*t in the end... It is so mind boggling to me. Thank you so much for your response, it really sounds like you know exactly where I am coming from and that means a lot to me. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Hi There, You did your best. From what I read this is not the guy for you...never was or never will be. Respect and consideration are the foundations of ANY relationship, and not to have those key elements with your partner is a major red-flag. You have done the right thing....even though your ex said it to try and offload his guilt, he is bang-on-the-money when he says "you deserve better than me". You do, no question. The issue wasn't about this party tonight and that is plain to see. Just be glad he showed his true colors before things got more serious and something like marriage was considered. Take time to grieve and then move on. We're behind you all the way. Thank you, that is really nice to hear. He has said many times that I deserve better than him, but usually it's when he does something like this and wants to guilt me into staying or feeling bad for him. You know that used to work? There have been so many red flags that I have just ignored with this guy and I am really kicking myself for getting so involved with him. He has brought me nothing but negativity in my life where I am otherwise surrounded with love, respect, and consideration from those around me. So I don't even have the slightest idea as to how he snuck in there because I have been depressed myself and I know the company you keep has a big effect on you - I ONLY have good people in my life and I am so lucky for that. And then there is this guy who has just brought me so much sadness. Thank you for your well wishes and as another poster said, once the shock of it wears off I know I will realise I made the right choice. Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 It sounds like I wrote this thread. wow. I too was with my ex for almost 2 years. He battled severe depression, although to this day I doubt he will admit that was the issue. He swore something medically was wrong with him. It was a very intense and hard struggle for both of us. While I lived with him when the depression first hit he would say things to me like "you deserve better, your a good women" "its only a matter of time before you get sick of this and leave me" I held firm that I would stay by his side no matter what. I truly loved him with all my heart and soul. He meant the world to me. It got to a point that he started lashing out and purposely hurting my feelings and doing things that were so out of charector for him. Things spiraled out of control to a point that I had to move out. He ended up going to work with his Dad in another state for a while. He came back and promised me he was better. He told me he was so sorry for all the hurt he caused me and everything he did and wanted another chance to make things right between us. He told me he loved me and wanted me back and that he was willing to do what it took to fix the damage he had done. Well, things were good for the 1st week or so. He was more like his old self. Cracking jokes, being silly, expressing his love for me etc. But then I noticed he was drinking a lot more and started smoking pot ALL the time. He told me smoking pot made him appreciate things more. (wth?) It became like an obsession with him. It was all he talked about for a while. "Im going to get a dispensary license and open up my own shop!" ( * * * !) Im 28 with a child and that is not the life I live nor is it the life he lived prior to this depression of his that started last year. He was a stand up guy. Had a career, his own home, goals and dreams. I had respect for the man he was. We shared a good life together even though it was short lived. I was no match for depression, alchohol and now pot. It was like before he left all over again....We would make plans too and he would forget. He would even forget to CALL ME for days!!! I had told him I dont feel like I matter or that Im a priority to him. He didnt understand why I felt that way. I would ask if he missed me and loved me. His answer was always yes. Then I would ask why he doesnt call me for days at a time and why he does certain things. His answer was "I dont Know" ughhh it was so frustrating and very hurtful. He told me all the same things as you "You shouldnt have to wait for me" "I am not who you want me to be" "I cant find happiness, nothing makes me happy anymore" Well, to sum my story up 3 months ago he started acting strange. Red flags started popping up everywhere. His behavior changed. I thought it was the pot and alchohol abuse. I talked to him about it. I told him I think he has a problem and its effecting our relationship and so on.... he acted as though he could care less. I had this gut feeling something else was wrong. I asked him if there was anyone else? If he was cheating on me or talking to someone. He looked at me with those big brown eyes of his and said " NO! that has never been something you would need to worry about with me. I would never do that to you" Something inside me knew he was lying. I found out the next day that he was in fact talking to at least 3 other women. Sending nude pics back and forth with these women. Absolutely disgusted me. I read texts he had sent to his ex from his teenage years that were recent about how he missed her and wanted to see her and how she was the one. Yeah, complete devestation. After spending almost 2 years of my life at his side through his depression and craziness that is how he played me. I supported him and was positive and would hold his hand while he cried for hours. I took the brunt of his verbal and emotional abuse for so long. I put my life on hold for him, moved my life to be on his side of town to end up getting played so dirty. All because I trusted him and loved him. I believed he would pull through and was so proud of any little progress he made. I had faith that he was a good man at heart and somewhere deep down the man I fell in love with would resurface and we could be happy again. If I would not have found out he was lying to me and cheating on me I would probably still be with him. Miserable and being treated like I meant nothing to him. What a horrible feeling. Well I gotta run, but I completely empathize with you and your situation. Like I said before, it sounds like your post was written by me about my ex. bizarre how alike the situation is. I ended things with him that night I found out (3 months ago). Just left his phone and keys to his house on the coffee table and walked out. I havent seen him since. It gets easier to handle as time goes by. Some days are better than others. Im still not over him or what happened by any means but I have hope that one day I will be. I wish you the best though. Im sorry your going through what you are. Keep your head up and my suggestion is NC! It is extremely hard but in the end will be better for you and help you to move forward Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Thank you for your response to my thread. I am sorry that you went through the same thing and it is funny how similar the situations were. I really, really didn't want to be alone tonight so I went to a friends house, and all I could think about was how I was there for him through everything, and how he treated me. It just completely boggles my mind how you can show kindness, respect and love to someone and they can't show you the same consideration. I felt like screaming when he would say "I can't be who you want me to be"... All I wanted was for him to be an honest decent person. How is that a struggle? How is it difficult to be considerate towards those who treat you with respect? It was almost as if I was asking him to stop relying on air, or to please not walk using his feet... I just absolutely don't get it. He was great to me the majority of the time but I guess, when it really came down to it, he wasn't willing to budge and truly show me. I plan on sticking with the No Contact, and I asked that he not contact me again, so I am hoping this helps to get over this. I have never been through a break up in my life where I wasn't relieved to get out of it so this is really new to me. I always said I would never be one of those girls that cries and stops eating and mopes around over some guy but pretty much that is all I feel like doing right now Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 We all go through those periods of not being able to eat, sleep etc after a breakup. You did the right thing by breaking it off. He's copping out with alcohol and drugs instead of facing his issues head-on. You're facing your own issues and what you did was very courageous. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve to be treated with respect for the person you are! Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 We all go through those periods of not being able to eat, sleep etc after a breakup. You did the right thing by breaking it off. He's copping out with alcohol and drugs instead of facing his issues head-on. You're facing your own issues and what you did was very courageous. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve to be treated with respect for the person you are! Thank you for the support and words of encouragement. It is hard! I am having a really hard time with this and I have moments of "You go girl! You DO deserve better!" just to break down crying 12 seconds later Celine Dion has been playing in my head all day, I can not stand her, but I woke up to one of her songs in my mind [she was big in our house growing up] and started sobbing as soon as my eyes opened. To make it worse, my Mom has already started with "Are you sure you made the right choice? I always told you to be sure before you end any relationships", which has me questioning myself briefly. But in the end I know I did the right thing, it was just really hard for me to. A few people that have found out are surprised that I am the one who ended things considering what a mess I have been since yesterday morning, and I have to admit it kind of shocks me too. I ended things so why am I walking around like a zombie? He always told me that the most important thing for him was to at least know me - that whether we were together or not, he wanted me in his life because I meant a lot to him, and he didn't think he'd be able to handle losing me. I finally stood up for myself and stopped giving into what he wants or thinks he needs so I would think I should feel like a champ. I cut him out of my life completely, cold and quickly, and I asked that he not contact me again, without giving him any chance to make me feel guilty, but I still feel like poop today. I want to thank everyone for being part of this thread, though. It means a lot to be able to share with others, and know that others can relate to my story. ENA was the first place I turned to, after my Mom of course, so there is really a great community here! Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Thank you so much for your response, it really sounds like you know exactly where I am coming from and that means a lot to me. Glad I could help and yes, I have been there. It will get easier with time and one day you'll look back on everything and be amazed at what you put with and how happy you are to be done with it all. Six months ago I was in tears daily praying he'd call and/or keep his promises to me. Going NC though allowed me to fully heal and move on and it will help you do the same. I just found out my ex is in my city for the holidays and all I can think about is how to dodge him if he tries to come find me and have a face-to-face to "explain" himself again. He has a pattern of doing that and possibly might, although truthfully I'd be more thrilled if he doesn't contact me. It will show we both know it's over. Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 It has been 6 months of NC with your ex? And you are fully healed? That gives me hope. Its been 3 months for me. I hope that at 6 months I will be healed and be able to let go of the pain and resentment over my situation like you have. Any tips aside from NC ? Link to comment
jbug Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 i really want to chime in. i battle with depression. before i got into my last involved with my current ex i was in a really good place. i dont kno what happened but i feel into a depression. she stuck by me for a while. while we were still together i when to seek help and went on meds, picked up a 2nd job and pushed myself to live out to my potential. i quess my progress was fast enough and she called it off. she asked for a "break". since then i have gotten worse. quit my job so i dont have to see her (shes lives where i work). im hurting bad Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Lithp - Its hard when dealing with someone like your ex or mine. When someone is in that state of mind and doing those things there is no room to be considerate or show kindness and respect to someone else. There is no room for love. I asked for the same things. That's all anyone really wants isnt it? To be shown respect, treated like they matter, consideration, love, etc. Its not a lot to ask for from someone at all. Especially when you have been there and have been supportive with that person. I wondered why it seemed that he held such anger towards me and would take his frustrations out on me and my child as though what he was going through was our fault. He treated strangers nicer than he did me towards the end. That blew my mind! I just couldnt understand it. My Mom had enlightened me on the fact that when people are hurting or going through depression and or abusing drugs and alchohol they always lash out at the ones closest to them. They want you to feel pain and be miserable too. If your not or if you try to help them in any way and they dont want the help they end up resenting you and blaming you for it in the end. Its a vicious and toxic cycle that only the person with the problem can dig there way out of. I did the same thing too. I lost about 5 pounds in the first couple weeks. My stomach was so upset and I couldnt keep anything down. Even though I too knew I was better off and that all my ex did was bring me down and make me miserable it still hurts. Its still a loss. I had broke down and "lost it" a lot the 1st month. I could barely keep from crying at work. I would burst into tears the 2nd I walked out the door and would cry until I fell asleep. One day I would be calm and have a sense of relief that I no longer had to deal with him or his destructiveness. The next day I would be a complete mess. Its a roller coaster. Time does heal. Im still working on it and I still have my ups and downs. But it gets better... keep your head up! Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 jbug - She lives where u work?? That was probably a good idea then to leave that job. It would only make it harder for you in the end if you stayed. Have you been in contact with her since she asked for a "break" ? Link to comment
jbug Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 hi blueeyes. yeah im a doorman in the building where she lives. at first i gave her the break. after 3 days she called me to see how i was doing. i told her i was doing good. 3 days later i sent her flowers, went to her place and told her how much i needed her. i know i shouldnt have said that. i told her how much i love her, etc. she said she needs time. she said prove my self, actions speak louder then words. i did the begging, all the stuff i shouldnt have. im sure now shes thinking she made the right move to step off from me. Link to comment
blueyes833 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Prove yourself how? Is there something in specific in the past that you did not do? I agree that actions do speak louder than words. That statement is very accurate. Talk is cheap. I dont think begging is what she wanted though. Good for you for leaving that job. It shows strength and maturity. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 It has been 6 months of NC with your ex? And you are fully healed? That gives me hope. Its been 3 months for me. I hope that at 6 months I will be healed and be able to let go of the pain and resentment over my situation like you have. Any tips aside from NC ? Hi, sorry it's been a hectic week so I'm just now getting back to your question. Yes, I am pretty much healed from my ex. I can even go to places we went once and hear songs that were ours and all I feel is a fierce joy to realize these were my places and my songs long before him and they are still mine now. Also I found out that the ex is in my town to see his folks for the holidays--learned this via a mutual acquaintance. My only emotion at first was that I was unhappy to hear I might see him or he would contact me, then relief that he hasn't tried to contact me. So yeah, I'd say it's over now. At the three month mark I was nowhere near this point though, so stay strong and it does get better with time. In all fairness and disclosure I'm actually not sure really how long it took me to get over him. I say that because for 6 years he'd show up in my town, woo me, then disappear and leave me heartbroken. Then each time just as I was getting my life back on track without him he'd show back up and start it all back up again. I think the thing that kept me hooked was how mysterious it all seemed to me--how could someone pursue me that madly one minute then toss me aside the next? I'd had breakups before, heck even a failed marriage, but the answers to why those relationships failed were pretty obvious by the time the relationship ended. Not so with him since it was "Oh I love you so much, you're my best friend, I'll never let you go" one second then cold silence that would stretch on for months at a time with no apparent reason for his sudden withdrawal. It drove me absolutely crazy and it kept me absolutely obsessed for a long, long time. One of the things that allowed that to perpetuate is we didn't live together or even in the same city so it was sort of an on-again off-again LDR. It wasn't until I finally realized I probably wasn't seeing the "real" him and went looking for some cold, hard facts that I woke up to just how badly I was being played. And how much the person I thought I loved didn't really exist. At that point I just wanted out and going NC this time was my choice and I did it fully for me to heal, no thoughts or hoping he'd come back again. Also this time instead of pining and shutting down into a deep depression that would leave me laying in my bed crying all day for weeks like I would do in the past I sought out and took up several new passions--Chinese brush painting, writing a novel, even major housework and refinishing several pieces of antique furniture I'd had passed down to me. Anything that would engage my body and mind elsewhere and keep me busy having to concentrate on something else intensely helped tremendously. It's alot harder to wonder what your ex is up to when you're trying to keep paint or furniture varnish off your clothes and you fall into bed at night too tired to stay awake and grieve. LOL But it definitely did help and NC really, really helped me process everything that had happened without any emotions to color it. Now I can look back on it and shrug. No way I'm ever going through that for anyone ever again. I've learned if one isn't happy in the relationship you only have two options a) you and your partner fix whatever the problem(s) are together or b) if they aren't willing to work on it and nothing you do is changing the scene leave. Life is simply too short to spend it unhappily ever after. Take care and good luck. You'll be fine. Link to comment
AngelAmber Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 well done Lithp, sounds like u did the right thing! im glad u feel goos about your decision, and even if u wake up tomorrow and start wondering - just remember the facts of the situation and u will know what u did is the best thing for u Link to comment
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