Does my ex have (a light form of) Borderline Personality Disorder?

[manu85]

Hi all,

 

First of all, to posters here who may suffer from BPD: I am not looking to put a stigma on people. I am still struggling to totally understand what happened and what went wrong in our relationship, and I truly want to learn and understand to get more closure and completely let go.

 

I recently stumbled accross a poster here who had an ex with BPD, and I looked up a few articles about it and the similarities are striking:

 

- my ex always feared that I would leave her, as much as I told her I loved her. She often started crying that she'd lose me, while I'm a very loyal guy and have never cheated on any of my partners in my entire life. I never acted upon my bisexuality during our relationship, but she basically ended our 15 month relationship after I watched a movie at a gay friend's house - without anything happening, I've known the guy for almost 10 years - without telling her (because I knew she'd freak out, which is exactly what she did after she found out).

 

- she always alternated between calling me her 'God'/'Prince' and 'the Devil' and telling me she wished she had never met me because I would harm her. I often found that funny and even cute, I guess not fully realizing she actually really meant that. She always alternated between extreme love and hate for me.

 

- it's been the first time in my life I'd been in a relationship where I truly felt like a bad guy. She would put a lot of blame on me and sometimes demonize me for objectively very small mistakes. All of my friends and family regard me as a genuinely good and very loyal, sweet guy, maybe sometimes even a bit too nice and naive and not standing up enough for myself.

 

- When she went on a trip for 3 weeks, she had difficulties loving me again when we met up when she came home. She needed to get used to me again and had lost her loving feelings for me partially.

 

- She is extremely attention-seeking. She's what you call a typical 'drama queen'. She's the center of attention at every party she goes to. She always feels the need to tell a story at a table full of people and be in the spotlight.

 

- She is very self-centered and puts her own needs first.

 

- She doesn't like groups that are too big

 

- She's an extreme flirt with guys and plays out her sexuality to extremes. While she's objectively an attractive girl, she makes guys go completely wild over her because of her teasing and playfulness. She's the ultimate seducer.

 

- She instantly feels the needs and characters of people and is extremely intelligent emotionally. Most guys who meet her the first time will think she's the woman of their lives. She can make extremely good first impressions.

 

- I think she might have a sex addiction. This past year, I'm guessing she must have slept with at least 10 guys, but it could be well over 20 or maybe even up to 50. I heard stories of a girl who went to a music festival with her 2 weeks after we broke up, and she was (during just 3 days!) widely regarded as the promiscous girl, acting all naive and playable to guys when she's in fact a very smart girl and had sex with multiple guys there.

 

- When she got together with me she ended a 7-year relationship. She was actually the one seducing me while I told her 'wait a minute, we can't do this, you have a boyfriend?' and she insisted on having sex with me and have 'our little secret', and I went along with it. While she regularly felt guilty about that, she needed little transition and grieving time and seemed not to be suffering too much from leaving her previous bf behind. Whenever she felt guilty and 'a bad person' again, she would soon talk about his bad traits, and that he deserved to be left and that he'd find a girl soon anyway and wouldn't suffer too much.

 

- I could never make enough time to spend with her. We saw each other at least 2-3 times per week, and we'd sleep over at least once or twice a week, but she was never satisfied. I always felt I couldn't fulfill her needs.

 

- She only seems to genuinely care about someone when she is certain that person will be available for her all the time and give something in return.

 

- She thinks of herself as a bad person and suffers from big problems with self-esteem.

 

- She's very impulsive in her thinking patterns and all people I know find her a little weird, or very difficult to follow or understand. No one I know has the same oddly funny flexible cute charismatic weird way of thinking she has.

 

- She would sometimes feel rejected about rediculous things. For example, when she told me she liked a book, and I would, genuinely without trying to say anything harmful, comment that I liked it but didn't find it stellar or make an even slightly less positive remark, she would interpret that as a sign of rejection and think that she wasn't smart or good-looking enough for me, and often start crying. I would as a result be totally surprised and feel guilty that I apparently said something hurtful to her, which had never been my intention.

 

- very needy of affection and love, which I did with all my heart, but sometimes, she would then tell me not to go over the top with it (the typical back and forth game).

 

- very needy of reassurance, I always had to tell her she was smart and a good person before she believed it. If I did that, I would be her angel, her God, her everything and she would tell me she didn't deserve me.

 

- very black and white thinking of people. Some men are 'good' but most are 'bad'. (her opinion of me changed like that too) She would always speak about people as 'he's a good one' or 'she's a bad one'.

 

- She is manipulative, controling and isolated me from social life: 3 weeks after our B-U she wanted to be 'friends' and started befriending a big part of my friend's circle. She's emotionally very intelligent and gives my friends the feeling that they're just having a little fun with her and not betraying me, taking away the guilt. I withdrew from social life for months, but she kept partying with them without me even knowing, and without backing off or feeling guilty, putting her own needs of having fun first. It came to the point where some of these friends started approaching me and were disappointed that I didn't want to be friends with her, telling me that my ex 'was hoping that social situations would be less awkward' and 'that she really hopes for us to be friends', while she was actually manipulating these people as SHE was the reason that these socially awkward situations arised. If she had distanced herself from my friends, as I did with her friends, and as I think most normal people do after a B-U out of respect towards their exes, these problems would have never arised. I think with some of these people she genuinely wants to be friends, but I think she mostly wants to remain involved to 'keep an eye on me' and be invited to parties where I'll be just to see which girls I'm talking to. Keep me as a 2nd option. She saw me talking to another girl for the first time a week ago, and I received a FB friend request the day after.

 

- Another example of her controling nature: she checked all messages on my cell phone 2 weeks into our relationship and after 3 months she broke into my facebook account and read all my facebook messages.

 

- Another example of manipulation: while I was at a coffee bar owned by one of my friends a few months after our B-U, she was sitting a few meters away from me and started proclaiming loudly 'I only fall for good guys', secretely trying to make me think I must be a bad guy, and trying to make me feel guilty.

 

- Anger and passively aggressive actions when people are perceived to abandon her. When I didn't wish her a happy b-day a few weeks ago, friends of me suddenly started telling me that my ex was throwing a huge party for them through facebook (most of these people she doesn't even see anymore since 1 year and she only knew them through me). Of course I was the only one not invited. I found it rather amusing that she was trying to get at me that way. I saw her a week after that party and she looked very guilt-ridden. She came to talk to me and told me 'I must find her really stupid'. (I kept my thoughts to myself)

 

- When we broke up she started flirting in front of me with random guys at a party of one of my friends (!), smiling at me and seemingly being the happiest girl in the world. I felt like she had 2 faces. She didn't feel sorry at all for me, nor did she feel the need to show me any respect at all.

 

- Difficulties trusting people

 

- mood changes

 

- constantly needs people around her. She can't be on her own.

 

- This past year has been the first year in her life, since the age of 14, where she's been single. Again, she constantly feels the need to be in a relationship.

 

- very sarcastic humor, not too common for a girl

 

 

The arguments contra (or what makes me think she has at most a mediocre form):

 

- no substance abuse

- no suicidal thoughts

- no actual physical aggression, just verbally, emotionally or passive-agressively

- she can be a very sensitive, caring and warm person

- she had an apparently stable, 7-year relationship before she got with me. Before him, though, when she was just 14/15, she told me she had kissed and flirted with dozens of guys, one of them a drug dealer for which her father was really angry, but she hadn't had sex then yet.

 

Now, again, I do believe that Borderline Personalities are able to love and care, and can get better, if they are motivated. I also realize that I have my own personality flaws, especially realizing that I didn't see any of this while being with her and being a person easy to mislead, apparently. So this is not meant as a critic of BPDs. But I do want to get a better outlook on my relationship and want to learn from my mistakes. Thanks for any input!

[eternalsunrise]

It does sound like she may have slight personality problems.

 

This really stood out to me in your post:

 

- it's been the first time in my life I'd been in a relationship where I truly felt like a bad guy. She would put a lot of blame on me and sometimes demonize me for objectively very small mistakes. All of my friends and family regard me as a genuinely good and very loyal, sweet guy, maybe sometimes even a bit too nice and naive and not standing up enough for myself.

 

Emotional blame is a recipe for disaster. She may have been used to behaving that way in her life. Now this is the first relationship where you felt like a bad guy. The longer you stay in that kind of dynamic the more you enable people with problems like that to hurt you and create dysfunction.

 

By the way, were you ever made aware of what her Ex thought of her? My ex has BPD. It wasn't just me being sensitive afterall, even his girlfriend before me perceived his behavior in the same light. My ex tried to keep any tiny detail about his previous relationship a secret from me because he was in major denial that he actually had a real problem. He wanted to blame me for all of his thought patterns and behavior. It's a heavy load to carry. I was duped for a while, but then realized that he is completely responsible for maintaining his own sense of self, not me.

 

Even if your Ex doesn't have BPD, she still seems like she has emotional problems and a poor sense of self. You may feel much better being in a relationship with someone more balanced and compatible with you.

[manu85]

Thanks for your reply, eternalsunshine.

 

I do feel that this relationship took a lot from me and that I still need to recover from some serious wounds. It was an extremely intense relationship.

 

I never knew what her ex thought of her, but I do know he was a very relaxed, chill, emotionally stable guy with very few highs and lows. (I'm also quite relaxed but with more highs and lows and a lot more sensitive than him, and that might have contributed to our sometimes explosive relationship, but also to its intensity). An easy-going rather introverted honest guy, probably a bit boring too, who I think offered her stability and basic happiness without being too needy himself (because she dislikes that). I don't really remember her telling me how he perceived her, other than I think he just sometimes laughed away some of her awkward traits and accepted her for who she was.

 

I am starting to think, after missing her incredibly and thinking she was a true love, I might definitely find truer happiness elsewhere, with a more stable, more honest person. I actually find myself worrying a bit about her now, 'cause I know now that it won't be easy for her to find true happiness.

 

Do you still have contact with your ex?

[manu85]

What I also forgot to add: she doesn't seem to understand that people need to cut off contact in order to move on. She takes it very personal that I don't want to be friends and she thinks that I do it on purpose, to hate her. Same with the birthday wishes I didn't send her. It's a shame. It truly is. But I have to think about myself. I hope that eventually, she'll understand.

[bulletproof]

I know you are hurting, and I've been there, but please resist the urge to diagnose your ex. You say you want to learn from your mistakes, but just about everything you've written so far has been about her and what you consider to be her flaws, and how this is what made the relationship suffer. Personally, I feel like BPD is just one of many disorders that is way over-diagnosed in general, and I see it a lot on these boards- people starting threads about how their exes must have BPD because they possess x,y and z traits. But sometimes relationships don't work out because people stop getting along. They are no longer interested in being part of the relationship. This is not a disorder- it's life.

 

I think it's more helpful for healing if you think about your part in things, how you could have handled yourself differently, and resolve to be more aware of these ideas in future relationships.

[chickydoodle]

Well it is hard to fathom what role you played in all this when the post is all about her and doesnt reveal much about your reactions to her behaviour or how you are feeling emotionally. Sounds like you are describing in detail BPD traits to justify why it would have been impossible to stay with her and to justify her crazy reason for ending things.ie prviding you are revealing the whole story. And thats okay. I would agree her symptoms sound like those of BPD to a degree and like you I found it reassuring to classify my ex as having a disorder to justify his incredibly abnormal behaviour and emotional abuse.

At the end of the day, 1. You dont need to understand how their brain ticks ( you could drive yourslef nuts doing this) except to know they are dysfunctional and capable of greatly damaging their partner. People like that tend to go for compassionate, kind, gentle partners who they (unkowingly even) abuse emotionaly. 2. A life with them would have spelt pain, pain, pain. 3. Question why you were drawn to her - do you like playing the role of being a saviour, being needed? is your self worth low so you attracted somone at a lower level ( ie. a lower level at giving and receiving Love).

Try and stop a pattern developing of attracting such women. Go deep and visualise the kind of relationship you want the next time. My advise is it should be EQUAL in all areas. Try and stop thinking about her. You have done nothing wrong . You cant change who she is. Only she can , through therapy-her choice.

Learn from this and watch for the red flags with the next relationship. Check out the website 'psychology today/are you dating an abuser' It lists the warning signs. I found it on an earlier post. It is very good.

I am sorry for your pain. Try and look at it as an opportunity, an experience to push you on a path of self growth and self discovery.

[manu85]

Hey bulletproof,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Actually, this is about the first time that I am trying to figure out what her mistakes were instead of mine. For months and months and months, I took all the blame on myself. I analyzed every action of myself, every personality trait, and but 100% of the blame on me. I could show you a 5+ page post where I sum up all my bad qualities, my mistakes and things I need to work on to be worthy of a stable long-term happy relationship. I thought I must be a horrible match-up for anyone, terrible relationship material and I actually sometimes thanked my ex for putting up such a long time with me. My self-esteem had taken a hit it had never taken before, I never knew I could feel so low about myself.

 

Only now am I for the first time taking a look at the other side, and I realize she made mistakes too.

 

You are right, though, a diagnosis won't help me to move on, and I realize I will only find happiness if I learn from my own mistakes and grow from them. But looking at the bigger picture gives me a more complete understanding of things, and it's nice to for once know that there were a lot of things I couldn't have changed, even if I'd wanted to. Makes me feel less of a bad person. And makes me relax a bit about myself. Maybe after all I'm not such a bad guy to be in a relationship with, I actually might be a good catch.

 

Anyway, thanks again.

[eternalsunrise]

This is music to my ears (and probably any other person trying to get over a breakup): "I might definitely find truer happiness...with a more stable...honest person." It is good you are gaining clarity on what you went through. From both sides of the equation not just hers but yours by looking at what's good for your future relationship.

 

In answer to your question, we're in contact but only because of some logistical reasons, temporarily.

 

 

 

Everything you've said makes perfect sense. I get where you're coming from.

Some people are architects in getting us to internalize and think there is something wrong with us. I was the same in my relationship in that my ex seemed to always dominate in who was right and I would feel so bad even though I knew he wasn't taking responsibility for his behavior. He still managed to manipulate me. This pattern can envelop you if you let it.

I understand that now you are being honest with yourself in admitting that no it wasn't all you. You are not actually playing the blame game in realizing this either. You are coming from a healthier place. For me personally, in the future when I meet people who do that maneuver of picking apart any little mistake blowing things out of proportion and making me feel like a bad person (*unlike* any way I've felt around other normal happy good relationships) then that is a red flag and I won't date them.

(It is good to have the self awareness to know what we will participate in and accommodate when it comes to other people's emotions)

 

hey good luck...it's sounds like you are on the road to healing...And yeah believe it, keep feeling highly of yourself that you're a good catch. Get back to feelin good about yourself.

[manu85]

Hey, eternalsunrise, thanks again for your reply.

 

It feels so weird at the same time. I realize I still love her so much, and in some way I would love to be that 'rock' for her that she could count on, who'd understand her more than anyone else. 'Cause I know she'd give so much back to me. She really is extremely loving and caring and loyal to the few people she 100% trusts and loves. It's weird how I still feel that way. Somehow I still believe everything could be made right. I realize I must be crazy for saying this. I've suffered incredibly, I know for a fact she has some issues that are difficult to work on, but now that I know what's wrong, I feel I'm in the best position to give things another try. That's so weird. I must be crazy myself, lol

 

Ah, well, maybe I just need to go to bed. Hehe.

[Ms Darcy]

Personally, I feel like BPD is just one of many disorders that is way over-diagnosed in general, and I see it a lot on these boards- people starting threads about how their exes must have BPD because they possess x,y and z traits. But sometimes relationships don't work out because people stop getting along. They are no longer interested in being part of the relationship. This is not a disorder- it's life.

 

I agree with this. I have known some pretty sane people act crazy when they are with people they don't love/know how to love. I think she's a jerk and not compatible with you and that's all you need to know.

[O-shen]

Are you sure you werent dating my ex?

 

Wether its BPD or not, something just isnt right. My ex did all the things you mentioned and more. She would threaten suicide if i left her. She was very aggressive, blaming, unrealistic and irresponsible. At times she had a heart of gold and was an angel. At others, i wanted to simply blow my head off to get away from her. I waited 8 years for things to change. They didnt. Actually she left me.

 

It was 8 months ago she did that. It took 2 months for her to come crawling back. Another month of being a crazy stalker. Then the girl i was seeing broke up with me...and...Poof...there she was again and we start hooking up. This was about 4 months ago. I thought we could maybe go to counseling and save our relationship. She didnt and turned her back on me. I went NC for the past 3 months. She walked into my work last week to say goodbye, confess her undying love for me and the fact we are soulmates, and tell me she is taking off around the country with another guy. All in the space of 15mins. She left 2 days later.

 

Even today, she texts me still. I should no better to reply, but she just gets under my skin! She on the other side of the country right now, with this guy who is just a "friend", declaring that we are destined to be together, that she misses me and i am the one for her.

 

Its just a complete head f$#%, and i allow it to continue. Like you said, i dont initiate contact with her, and often , i dont reply if she contacts me. I am trying to heal, to move on. But she refuses to allow me to do that. Even when she's 1000's miles away with another guy.

 

So after 8 years.....8 months on and she still wont let it go, although it has all been her doing.

 

Good luck.

[manu85]

O-Shen, to be honest, your ex sounds even worse than mine! Popping up at your work, texting and calling you whenever she likes, even though you made it clear you don't want contact anymore in order to move on, being totally disrespectful to your feelings, and esp. the threat of suicide if you'd leave her - one of the most famous BPDs, Marilyn Monroe, did the same to one of her husbands. I also think the immaturity is typical.

 

But, anyway, as other people have said, it doesn't matter which etiquette we put on it, it's just a matter of accepting that they'll always be very difficult people to build a relationship with, and, as seductive and likeable as they are, we will find truer love and happiness with a more stable, loving, understanding, empathic, sensitive person.

 

God, how I recognize the comment you made about one of your male friends telling you your ex looked so good he wanted to get laid with her. I have known a friend of mine for over 5 years and all he does now is go out with my ex every weekend, drooling over her and then coming over to me to tell me 'what a pity it is I don't want to be friends with her anymore'. God, that is so infuriating. They both deserve each other. I cut off all contact with both of them, they deserve each other.

 

I guess we have to accept these women are destructive, and we are so nice that they string us along without us realizing for years and years. Good luck to you, O-Shen, we'll keep in contact.

[O-shen]

There seems to be alot of us in simmilar situaions like this. If you are really interested in some info on the subject of BPD, PM "poppa". He was very helpful in helping me get out of the rut i was in , and i found i was able to let go of alot of the guilt and blame i felt i was unfairly wearing. Most importantly, i got a better understanding of the whole situation, and how to better handle it.

 

you are lucky you were able to rid of your "mate" and your ex....actually, my mate came into work and apologized to me. Still not cool, but i guess it something.

[Cheetarah]

 

I guess we have to accept these women are destructive, and we are so nice that they string us along without us realizing for years and years. Good luck to you, O-Shen, we'll keep in contact.

 

This thinking is a little black and white.

 

It's not that simple. It goes beyond 'being nice'. Nice is being kind, but resolved, gentle with boundaries. Boundaries were something you were obviously missing in this relationship. You were not so nice, you were a doormat. People can't step on us, AND wipe their muddy shoes on our backs, without us essentially allowing it to happen.

 

I had a difficult relationship with my ex-boyfriend and although he had diagnosed BPD, it really didn't help me move on/understand things better. The things he did still confused me and made no sense to me, even though I've shared his pain. What finally helped me feel better, was realizing that no matter what he had, did or said, I had to accept who he was. The good, the bad, the ugly, the in between. I didn't have to like it, or even deal with it. I just had to acknowledge it, and weigh the consequence it would have bared on my life. It took ME getting to a healthier mindset in order to let him go(that includes all the late-night psychoanalyzing sessions, the picking apart of behaviors/trying to find reason/justification, etc). Because even though I thought that stuff was helpful? It wasn't. Because for every question I finally answered with an "Aha!" answer, I had 30 more questioning that, and 30 more unrelated waiting in the wings. It was a never-ending cycle.

 

Judging from your very lengthy posts which do include what I would call psychoanalyzing sessions(of both you and her), I'd say you're going to get stuck in the mud. When people would tell me "You have to let go. You HAVE to let go, for your own sake", I would get upset. Because A). I thought this helped B). I thought I could find the answers to make me feel better, and what did they know, anyway?, and C)., A part of me didn't want to let go. By continuing to focus on his behaviors, or obsessing over my own, even though he physically was not in my life, I could hang onto him emotionally, in my mind, in my heart. I didn't have to deal with what it feels like when you sever a connection. I could avoid that.

 

It was difficult to admit to myself that I didn't want to let go of an unhealthy relationship. On the surface I had all the reason to let go and more, and it made me feel weak that I was having a hard time. I feared what I would feel like once I really let go. Even though I knew this meant liberation for me, I'd have to bear the brundt of the pain first. And that's not a good time.

 

The longer you hold on, the worse it is on you. If you're an obsessive thinker(it appears you could be), this stops helping and begins harming. Healthy doesn't deal with unhealthy for long at all.

[hausser]

My mother has BPD.

 

If your ex has it, chances are she will have "rages" and extremley quick changes in emotion that will astonish you. She will also need an almost impossible level of reassurance about your devotion to her amd will treat people she does not like with contempt that is hard for normal people to comprehend in terms of being punitive.

[manu85]

Hmm, thanks, Mynthia. A lot of this sounds confronting but makes sense. I know exactly what you mean about boundaries. I have trouble with that... And I do realize I am an obsessive thinker... Pfff. You're right, I just need to get on with my life, and stop thinking about it... How do I do that? Lol. That's really hard... I'm an extreme analyzer and I realize I'm someone who tends to hold onto past pain, love, memories and suffering...

 

I guess deep down I don't want to let go. I sometimes wonder if me posting so much on this forum also prevents me from moving on. In a way, it helps, but in other ways, I'm choosing to spend my time thinking more about her, analyzing more and more different aspects, endlessly, instead of doing other things for myself and taking my mind away from her. There's only so much you can learn. In the end, you have to pick yourself up, accept, let go and move on. I need to step away...

 

I appreciate your honest and blunt comment. Thanks for spending your time to give people some insight.

[BlueRose66]

I think part of healing from a BU is figuring out what went wrong and why. I realized my ex was/is passive aggressive. Our last interaction clued me into it and then I started to google "Passive/aggressive in relationships" and what do you know? She had many of the traits listed, and I thought at last I understand now what was going on. So in that regard, its positive for you to try to understand the dynamics in your past relationship. It does sound like there was an unhealthy person there and good that you are out of it. All of these kinds of disorders and there are degrees of them, take years to heal. The person has to firstly, be aware there is a problem and then secondly work on it consisitently with a therapist.

 

Now, for you and I the question is: How to pick healthier partners in the future. So for me, that means I look into what a healthy relationship should look like. Being able to communicate is a big one for me since my ex didnt do that. I also think by going very slowly into the next relationship with your eyes open, you avoid jumping into something that may mean big pain down the line. I thought I had done a pretty good job of understanding red flags to watch for, but this one just slipped right by me.

 

Knowing now what you do, you will be more successful in the future. How long has it been since you BU?

[mannaguy]

she will have "rages" and extremley quick changes in emotion that will astonish you. She will also need an almost impossible level of reassurance about your devotion to her and will treat people she does not like with contempt

 

This really describes my ex.She'd almost go looking for people to hate.At first I brushed it off but after awhile it really grated on me.

Anyways Ive been posting about my break-up the past few days if you care to read.

 

A few points made by others I would agree with is you will gain more emotional

freedom the more you focus on your part and even more importantly what are your patterns through your life and how can you heal the destructive ones so a next relationship is better.

 

In my case I am only contacting her at this point to declare my remorse for my poor treatment of her.Not to win her back but to try and put back what I took from her in terms of self-esteem.

 

This is what I do with my own son and other people in my professional life.I step up to to the plate

and claim what is mine with humility and remorse.

 

I will say BPD 'traits' are very tricky to navigate but I also believe under extreme emotional duress

I exhibit those traits as well and maybe alot of people do.

I've now seen that in myself during our last 2 months together.I felt ready to go on medication.Her fault/ BPD? Whatever: only I can heal that.Changing external factors will not.(Even if that change means not being with her *altho I love her!)

 

Best of Luck

M

[hausser]

Cool, I will have a read through mannaguy. BPD or it's traits are very easy to spot as unfortunatley they are so hideous to be around a lot.

 

Essentially the person is hyper sensitive emotionally, I saw it described as third degree burns all over their body, that's how sensitive they are and it's true.

[Sim54]

There seems to be alot of us in simmilar situaions like this. If you are really interested in some info on the subject of BPD, PM "poppa". He was very helpful in helping me get out of the rut i was in , and i found i was able to let go of alot of the guilt and blame i felt i was unfairly wearing. Most importantly, i got a better understanding of the whole situation, and how to better handle it.

 

you are lucky you were able to rid of your "mate" and your ex....actually, my mate came into work and apologized to me. Still not cool, but i guess it something.

 

I find it astonishing that you say that 'she still can't let go' when you are still replying to her texts.

You know you can't let go either don't you?

You know that your level of emotional maturity, and issues is on a par with her don't you?

Basic law of relationships: we are attracted to people with the same level of emotional maturity, same degree of dysfunction, same level of growth.

 

OP, dispite your ex's long list of faults, I would ask you why you were with her???

She didn't force you to date her, and saying she is manipulative doesn't explain why you allowed her to manipulate you.

 

It is useful to see where her issues lie, but it is much more useful to ask yourself why you invited her into your life, and what this relationship has to teach you.

A dysfunctional relationship ALWAYS involves two playing along. It's impossible for a relationship to be dysfunctional if one of the people is emotionally healthy, as their emotional health will get them out of it very fast.

 

And it's generally considered that everyone 'suffers' from BDP at certain points in their life. It's not a disease, but a state of emotional immaturity, akin to being a 4 year old again. And we all slip back there at times.

[Cheetarah]

Hmm, thanks, Mynthia. A lot of this sounds confronting but makes sense. I know exactly what you mean about boundaries. I have trouble with that... And I do realize I am an obsessive thinker... Pfff. You're right, I just need to get on with my life, and stop thinking about it... How do I do that? Lol. That's really hard... I'm an extreme analyzer and I realize I'm someone who tends to hold onto past pain, love, memories and suffering...

 

Someone on here once told me, that their therapist said, that over/circular thinking is a means of avoiding emotion - You can't THINK your way through the emotions. You can only feel your way through them. Avoidance is preferable when you've stockpiled who knows how many months/years/lifetime of unresolved emotions.

 

You can't just stop thinking, of course. But what you do have to allow yourself is the pain to wash over you - When it does, when it decides to, embrace it. I know this is all cheesy and life-coach sounding, but check yourself when you start to recall painful and emotional things. Do you automatically shift into analyzing mode? I find myself doing this when something really hurts, at the core. I've justified to myself that I am 'dealing' with it because I'm thinking/rationalizing it through. I have a point in that and I think logic totally has it's place...But so does grief. You have to make room for both. Feel what you feel when you need to feel it, it won't drown you. When you're clear-headed and more stable feeling, then you can look at things from a more objective point of view. Balance, basically.

[Cheetarah]

 

I will say BPD 'traits' are very tricky to navigate but I also believe under extreme emotional duress

I exhibit those traits as well and maybe alot of people do.

I've now seen that in myself during our last 2 months together.I felt ready to go on medication.Her fault/ BPD? Whatever: only I can heal that.Changing external factors will not.(Even if that change means not being with her *altho I love her!)

 

Best of Luck

M

 

A good and factual point, actually. When people are under a lot of emotional stress, they will resort to old, ingrained childhood coping mechanisms in order to get through it, aka, "BPD-like traits"(splitting, outbursts, destructive behaviors, etc).

 

M, I remember you from some of my threads. I hope you're doing better.

[Tired Tiger]

An interesting (and sometimes a little heated) thread from about a year ago about this:

 

Hey, maybe our exes really ARE crazy

[Sim54]

An interesting (and sometimes a little heated) thread from about a year ago about this:

 

Hey, maybe our exes really ARE crazy

 

Oh, you REALLY opened a can of worms here didn't you?! Looks like that thread finally laid to rest about a year ago, and now, it's back from the dead!!

 

[mannaguy]

Mintiya-hi! yes I remember you now too.I thought i was 'in control' with my GF concerning her moods..but as

Ive been saying the past few days " I lost *it*"...so ya I went BPD-like a few times.Very similar to her.

 

"lie down with dogs, get up with fleas"(BPD Fleas)

-this is something I saw at link removed..however I still take responsibility for my actions!

 

m