tehjanna Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I was wondering how some of you are coping with your break-up. It's been a month for me, with limited contact and I am falling apart. I feel severely depressed, therapy isn't helping, I'm constantly worried what my ex is up to, and I feel like there is no hope to even go on for me. I don't have much of a support system, and nor do I want to rely on people to help me, because I don't want to burden them with my sadness. I just want somebody to understand what I'm going through. My ex has said, through our contact since the breakup that he misses me and it's very hard for him too. Previously, the day we broke up, he said he would love to be with me in the future once he figures his (quite severe) financial situation out, and how badly it was depressing him, essentially that he didn't feel "man" enough anymore because he couldn't provide. And doesn't want to bring me down with him. Also, that he isn't going to be looking for anybody else. The past few months he was very depressed about his situation and when we broke up, he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore because he couldn't see this working out, unless he got his stuff together. Obviously, this hurt, but I knew with all our problems in the relationship, especially financially and otherwise, it was somewhat inevitable. I just don't know how to cope right now. I feel like I can't even go on/have the energy to go on with my life. We live close and I try to avoid things like going to my favorite mall, for fear of running into his brother who works there. I constantly check up on him online on the dating website we met on, wondering if he found somebody else, when he will change his status to single, etc. It's driving me nuts but obviously I know what I'm doing wrong. I just can't help it at this point. I mean this was the guy that even discussed marriage with me. . I just want to know how others are coping with a fresh breakup. Thank you all so much for your help. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Total no contact if possible, and try your best to distract your mind from thoughts of the ex. I am about 1-1/2 month out so I am fresh, too. You will have emotional ups and downs, and you need to express the emotions constructively as possible ... writing is a good way to let it out (keep a journal). I would also avoid the dating website he's on, and avoid FB at all costs! Good luck. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 For me it's getting rid of the thought that somewhere down the line me and my ex might be together again. Cut contact completely and burn the bridge between the two of you. Once the thought of the two of you being together is completely gone; you start to stop caring about who they're with or what they're doing. That false sense of hope is always the most hindrance to my recovery no matter how small it was. Link to comment
elusivefox1 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I agree with KYRiverGrl. No contact. I think it's just best for both of you. What really helped me is my friends. You may not want to burden them, I was the same way, but they are willing to listen. People that I didn't expect to be there, were there. It felt so much better to have them there and to listen to me. The fresh perspective really helps as well. I also wrote in a journal. At the time, it seemed like everyone around me was blossoming in their relationships, and mine was wilting. I had the ups and downs as well. One day I would be perfectly fine, and the next minute, I didn't want to get out of bed. The most important thing is to keep busy and maybe take up things that you haven't done in a while. Quit torturing yourself with looking at his profile and calling him. You need to realize that even though you had something special and that door was left open, you should move on. You should work on yourself. What we all sort of lose touch with when in relationships is ourselves. Obviously he meant a lot to you, and it sounds like you meant a lot to him. He's doing what he needs to do to get himself in order, so why don't you do the same? Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 My ex and me discussed marriage, living together and our future plans...where is he now? gone! Actions speak louder than words eh?....you gotta go complete NC hun, for your own sanity, no more LC, he made his decision to break it off with you, so that's it, it's over, let him live with his decision, i'm 3 weeks NC and i'm starting to feel sooo much better, i am so glad i listened to everyone on here, if i hadn't my heart would still be breaking, i'm nearly back to my old self. loulou x Link to comment
tehjanna Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks sooo much for everyone's reply. I really appreciate it a lot. I know NC is the way to go, but it's so hard not to, just to hear how sad he is too. I think I'm just going crazy thinking that I need reassurance that we will be together again, but I know it's holding me back. It's just all so hard for me since I feel like I have nobody else who understands me/listens, like he did. And now it's gone. I wish I could totally just not care at this point. Link to comment
gal1989 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hi there sorry to hear your not feeling great about it. I am not about mine either. Technically we broke up about 2 months ago but have had a lot of contact since and I wish we didn't the contact hasn't been, say friendly, more from my part. It's basically been me begging him for answers and to reconsider. A lot of the time what he replied wasnt what I wanted to hear so I released a lot of anger, hurt nd sadness onto him. I miss him like mad, and am very hurt he didn't want to try to sort things out and still am very sad, lonely and its very raw Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 NC is the only way to go unless you want to continue being miserable. Any small amount of contact has always made me feel like garbage. I feel fine at the moment, focusing on a new and healthier ME, focusing on activities to fill my miserable life. I lost myself with her and now I'm FINDING ME again. Link to comment
tehjanna Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 gal1989, I'm sorry to hear that, I can completely understand how you are feeling. Although, my ex has been really kind about the breakup and consoling, always saying that we shouldn't be angry at each other, and that we are both hurting. Regardless, it's still been difficult. I understand NC is great, and it definitely is, but the times that we did speak, especially the last time, I was happy to know he missed me, and it put me at ease. But I guess my advice would be to try not to contact him or be angry, it really won't help much. I wish I could take my own advice too, hahah. Link to comment
tehjanna Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 somethngwrng, thank you for your reply. I definitely understand where you're coming from. I think I invested so much of myself into this 4 year relationship, that it's just hard to break away at this point, but I know someday it will be okay. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I was dumped almost 2 weeks ago, quite similar reasons to yours. I am not coping yet, in fact the only moments I feel calm and better is when I feel sure that he will come back, although this will never happen and I don't think I want it any more. I am on the wrong road I guess... Link to comment
DerekJason Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 4.5 mths out, and i'm starting to not really care. admittedly, id be open to discussion still, alas, i keep moving forward. once you see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, it starts to be much easier on the brain. im about to embark on some dates too. F-it. Link to comment
Notagoodninja Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 My ex husband of a week...well I spent the last 4 years being abused by a sociopath mad man. Up down up down, hot and cold...distant...non affectionate hardly sexual and abusive in every way. So yeah the first two weeks I didn't get out of bed. My therapist didn't help either lol I didn't even show up for my session yesterday... Here's what is helping me, NO CONTACT......it's been like 21 days for me Also I don't ALLOW any memories to come into my head unless they are BAD memories so I can remember why I left! That old quote about the wolves...............which one wins? "The one you feed" STARVE YOUR MIND of anything GOOD FEED YOUR MIND with memories of why it DID not and WILL NOT work ! Link to comment
tehjanna Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you ALL for your replies. It seriously means a lot to me at this difficult time. I will definitely take all your advice, and try to keep on keepin' on, even though it will be hard, I know I need to. My mom is already getting sick of me and saying I need to be over this by now, haha. Ugh, if only. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you ALL for your replies. It seriously means a lot to me at this difficult time. I will definitely take all your advice, and try to keep on keepin' on, even though it will be hard, I know I need to. My mom is already getting sick of me and saying I need to be over this by now, haha. Ugh, if only. You'll get over it in your own time, don't listen when anyone says you should be over it already....that p"sses me right off! i've had it off my mother and also my friends, i just thought f them, it's my heart that's been broken. I know you like talking to your ex and it helps to know that he's hurting too but he made a choice to go through that pain when he broke up with you, all you are doing is supporting him through the break up, i would cut off all contact, let him see what it's like without you in his life. LISTEN to what people are saying on here...they give good advice. by keeping in contact with your ex your just keeping yourself in that dark hole and it's getting deeper. loulou x Link to comment
Bolegged04 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Somethngwrng..you hit the nail right on the head. I agree 100%. Im 3 months post break up and I feel NC was/is the best thing for me. As times goes on, he will just be another distant memory. It goes from you thinking and wondering about them to who gives a damn what they are thinking and feeling. Take care of yourself and use this time to get YOURSELF back. Six months from now you may look back and laugh. This too shall pass...trust me! Link to comment
tehjanna Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 Thank you all so much! I definitely do need to take the advice given to me, and I am trying to focus on myself, but I'm always trying to contemplate whether or not to contact him, as when I initiated contact and said I wanted to be with him, he replied that "we'll try and make some time." So I don't want to let that chance go, which is hard. But we haven't texted since Monday. I think what my problem is that: I'm just battling with extreme low-self esteem so I need all the reassurance from him, as I have nobody else (like he misses me, wants to see me, etc) that I can get, which is not good at all. But unless I get over my issues, I won't be able to do anything. Link to comment
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