At what point did you realize you no longer wanted them back?

[browneyedgirl36]

So...I'm interested to know, for those of you who are healed after your break-ups and have no interest in taking your exes back, at what point did that occur? Was there something that made you realize -- some defining moment, something he or she said or did, something that happened to you -- that made it click, finally, for you, "If this guy/girl wanted me back, I wouldn't take him/her back"?

 

I ask because, after FIVE (yes FIVE) long years, I FINALLY came to that point today. Now, before y'all think I'm nuts and that I've been pining away for him for the last five years (we dated two different times during that five years, both times after his previous ex had dumped him -- yeah, I was a rebound, I realize that now), I have actually, this past year, found myself largely over him. I work with him, and NOT seeing him is not a possibility, so I have done the best I can to accept the situation, and I was almost 100% OK with never being with him again and was hoping to finally be able to get to the point where I wanted to date someone else (have made some attempts here and there over the past few years, but none of them has gone anywhere. We've been talking at work only about superficial stuff -- work related stuff -- for quite some time now, and were not involved in each others' personal lives at all. While this was hard for me -- I felt a loss of the relationship we used to have -- it seemed to be working well. I've been enjoying my life without him and have been doing a TON of stuff that makes me happy and peaceful.

 

Today, though, he started trying to talk to me about stuff going on in his personal life, and though I shouldn't have, I listened. Mostly, it was about finances, a big financial decision he was trying to make, etc. Then...he dropped the bomb -- he's been dating a woman for a few months, and he just recently dumped her because she was "too much work" for him because she expected too much. He was very flippant about it -- in fact, he lamented not the end of the relationship, but rather his loss of a place to stay when he goes to her city for a particular hobby that he actively participates in, but then he concluded "yeah, well, I'll just have to rent a place to stay when I'm there now." He was really quite nonchalant about the whole thing. And, of course, the relationship ended because of her being demanding/too much work -- not because he has issues with commitment or maintaining relationships.

 

I listened, and honestly, I didn't feel horrible that he had been dating someone -- I was surprised that I didn't respond emotionally to his pronouncement because I always thought I'd be devastated if he talked about another woman -- but when he continued to talk about it, I told him, "You know, I don't think we should be talking about this" and I excused myself from the conversation. It wasn't because I was jealous or upset that he was dating someone, I realized, it was that I was uncomfortable because, finally, I felt it -- that feeling of "Wow. Yuck. You're an idiot." I just suddenly felt really uncomfortable around him -- like "THIS is the guy I've been so worked up over?" I realized that this is pretty much how ALL of his relationships have gone -- at least all the ones where he's been the dumper, which is most of the ones he's told me about -- this whole "this is too much work for me" "she expected too much" -- always one foot out the door, always finding an excuse to not continue the relationship, to not become attached, always ending it in a really abrupt, not very tactful sort of way (all while making himself out to be the good guy) etc.

 

Anyway, though I had accepted long ago that we'd probably never be together, and while I was OK with it even though I felt some sense of loss, I always wondered if I'd take him back if he pursued me again. Now, I know I for sure, finally, that I wouldn't. I'm actually really annoyed by him.

 

Three years ago, when he announced he was giving his ex another shot, I was devastated. I barely ate for a month, and I lost 10 pounds. I was miserable. I had chest pains, I couldn't sleep, I had to drag myself out of bed every morning, I got really sick, to the point where I should have gone to the ER (but didn't go). I was a wreck. Now, I look back and think, "Really?! Seriously? Wow." I can't believe I got so worked up over him.

 

So, for you all, what was the big turning point for you? Or, if you're NOT there, why do you think you're not, and what do you think might help you to get there? I'm just curious about others' experiences. I always thought I'd need to find someone else before I felt this way about him, but apparently, this is not the case -- hurray!

[scared and alone]

Well, with one of my exes it was easy (well, not EASY, but, it wasn't an option). Despite that I loved him, he cheated on me. And I knew at the moment he told me that, no matter how much I missed him and felt we were good together and how much I may ever want him back in my head, I could NEVER trust him again so that told me, no. It was ruined forever. And in a way, him cheating was kind of a blessing because he is married now (and I actually really like her) and still a scum to his wife (unbeknownst to her) and I can imagine me being in her shoes. We talked years ago and he (even with his wife) told me he loved me still.. um. yeah, that pissed me off and grossed me out. So no, I got over that. I can't want someone that cheated on me. And another ex, that I said in another post, I was obsessively in love with. Thought we were perfect for each other, I found out after we broke up (because he was a selfish ass), I still was holding onto him, but it finally came out (from him) that he is a homophobe and i am VERY much a supportive of the gay community, I realized that, I need to get over this guy, because it would have never worked anyway, cuz I couldn't deal with homophobia in my relationship. It's amazing what can help you get over someone.

[In the Dark]

When she slowly took the photos of her and I off her profile, sending comments to other guys with a x, placing guys who I thought were just her friends above my profile picture, changing her picture to her, her best friend (who was cheating on her own fiance) and some random guy as her main profile picture, when she would only comment on things which she could twist as something offensive towards her, did not respond to anything which she could not twist into something as offensive towards her, posting a photo of another guy I had never seen with his arms around her and finally......making her main profile about how she plans to milk some elderly man of all his money.

 

By then she was no longer the person I first met.

[O-shen]

^^^^^ thats some serious transitions lol.

[thelastsong]

Well, from the start I said I would not take him back unless he had had at least 6-8 sessions of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, but when I found out he was back together with his ex? He has selfishly used me, and his actions show that he's not the kind of person I want in my life in any capacity, as a friend, lover, whatever. At this point I just want him to drop off the face of the Earth or at least move to the other side of it.

 

Even if for some reason he came back and he was truly sorry for everything and had been through therapy and had really changed, I know I could never trust him again. I would always be afraid that he would leave me again.

[lemsip]

When I found out she was with another guy. Like scared and alone said, it almost made things easier. I almost think she jumped straight into another RL just so that there would never be the option for either of us to go back.

[butterflyburn]

Not yet got to that point but everyday I get stronger and very soon there will be nothing of where love used to be. At that point I shall have lost all sympathy for his side of the story and his stupid silence

[BlueRose66]

Today, when I realized how much childish behavior I put up with: The walk outs, the sulking, the non communicativeness, the sneaking behind my back to do things to retaliate instead of expressing it like an adult... On and on, and I am just so glad its over.

 

Think about what made it broken people, because there are reasons. Logic over emotion~!

[browneyedgirl36]

Great responses, all. The more I talk with my friends about this, too, the more I realize, "Eh. I'm done." I've had several people, including my mom, say "You know, he'll be chasing you again at some point." Yeah, he probably will but...I'm over it. I wish him the best. The best he can get, anyway, because he is WAY too afraid of emotionally connecting with someone to be in a healthy relationship. I, on the other hand, am really open to one, and am eager to see what comes next for me.

 

It's interesting to see the processes that different people go through on their way to moving on, to getting to that point where you know you can't -- and won't -- take them back (not just that you SHOULDN'T -- a lot of us KNOW we shouldn't, be we do it anyway, myself included!)

 

It's nice to be at the point where I don't feel crushed by this guy anymore -- where he isn't capable of crushing me. That, ultimately, is what I've been hoping for all along, and for a long time, I worried I'd never get to that point. And yet, here I am. The scenery is lovely here. ;-)

[rapunzel]

That's great news browneyedgirl36, that you don't feel crushed by him anymore. We are both on the five year plan apparently. I met dude 5 years ago this January, we "dated" 6 months after that. It's funny how similar our stories are and how similar these guys are. I am not quite where you are in the process, but I know I will be. Just not quite there yet....getting close.