How long should I wait around for him?

[LoveLovelove10]

I started dating someone I'm very into. I feel like we have a lot in common, a good connection and chemistry. We've known each other for almost a year at this point and started off dating...however it wasn't the right timing. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship a couple months before, and he was super busy with school and work. He seems relatively interested at the time, we talked about once a week and hung out a handful of times, no sex but we did kiss. Anyway, I told him I wanted to be "dated" and he seemed too busy, we should just be friends. I dated other people, so did he I'm pretty sure...

 

Fast forward 7 months and we've started talking again out of the blue. This time around was different in that we've been talking or texting every day. We've been hanging out steadily at least once a week. We've had sex at this point though and it was completely spontaneous and unexpected but I went with it. It's been a month and a half at this point and nothing has changed... we're still just hanging out once a week and talking pretty much every day. I mentioned something about dating other people and he said logically we had a lot in common and he didn't see why this wouldn't turn into a relationship but at the moment, he's still busy with work and school. He's got a full time job and 2 classes he's taking and his work is very hard labor work... so he says he's tired all the time. He straight up told me, it's not us, he's just super busy, has to pay bills and can't put me first right now. sigh...

 

I guess my issue is, am I stupid for just being dragged along so to speak waiting around for him to be ready? Does this look pathetic on my part? I'm not sure because I turned him down before for the same thing. I feel like maybe I'm being unreasonable expecting him to put his all into it but maybe not? He is working full time, and going to school full time AND has issues with his back as well so is in a lot of pain sometimes and on medication. If you ask me is it worth it to me to wait around, the answer is a resounding yes but for how long should I wait? I'm not exactly happy at the moment because I feel as though him being busy is just taking the fun out of the beginning of this relationship. I can tell he doesn't have a lot of energy to put into it but he says he can't deny there is something there and doesn't want to deny himself the chance with me even though he feels bad he can't put everything into it right now. He does have a house and a mortgage to pay...

 

Does anyone have experience with this type of situation where it worked out in the end and the man was being legit and after things settled down, the relationship picked up? How long should I wait around for him to want to be officially in a more serious relationship before I say screw this?

[SpottiOtti]

I mentioned something about dating other people and he said logically we had a lot in common and he didn't see why this wouldn't turn into a relationship but at the moment, he's still busy with work and school. He's got a full time job and 2 classes he's taking and his work is very hard labor work... so he says he's tired all the time. He straight up told me, it's not us, he's just super busy, has to pay bills and can't put me first right now. sigh...

 

In my experience, when a man says something like this to you, it means he could take you or leave you. I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. Also, you're calling this a "relationship" but it sounds like he is not that invested in it, and probably views it much more casually. I'd be cautious about getting too emotionally involved here.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, you just made a lot of excuses for him. He's got a mortgage to pay, he's really busy with work, he has a dog, he has to blink, he needs time to eat, he has a dandelion on his backyard ... Girl, who cares?

 

What I key in on is that you wonder if you should "wait" here at the beginning of a relationshp. Did he promise a relationship? Nope. I think you are over-interpreting his words here. And even now you aren't happy. Could you live the rest of your life like this - with this leve of commitment and attendtion towards you? Just something to consider.

[TheVP]

I'm afraid Ms. Darcy is right. Where there's a will there's a way. I typically work from 7 to 7 at the office. Now that I've started seeing a girl I'm interested in, I arrive at work at 6 in the mornings the nights we have something planned. You can't force someone to change thier interest level. I think you should consider moving on.

[LoveLovelove10]

Nobody really answered my question though... at this point I'm a bit emotionally invested and it's atleast worth it to see IF he's being sincere about his intentions. How long should I wait to see if he comes around despite being busy? We're both older, late 20's and have relationship experience. It's only been officially a month and a week since we started talking again. How long is too long to wait around?

[april15]

Even though you have been dating only a month you've seen how he is for over a year. Do you think his level of attention will really change that much, that his life will change that much? What you see is probably what you get.

 

If you are happy, right now, and he is going to be committed to you, (not looking to date and have you on the side) I see nothing wrong with sticking with the status quo. Keep youself busy when he is busy and make the most of your infrequent time together.

 

If you are not happy, his current level of attention gnaws at you, I would chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.

[DylanNotorious]

I think he just wants to casually date you. Sporadically.

[Madison12]

Girl you don't ever wait for anyone to be "ready" to date you. Your self-worth would dictate that. Life happens, we're ALL busy, come on now - surely you know that when a man starts throwing excuses at you that are as lame as "I'm busy" that that's your cue to exit stage left.

[LoveLovelove10]

lol Still....nobody answered my question, how long is too long to wait to see if things pick up? Two months, three? He hasn't been blowing me off, we've been hanging out once-twice a week at least. I don't think that's bad for a new relationship. I'm not asking him to hang out with me every other day. I just want to know how long is too long to wait around until he calls me HIS girlfriend? In past experience, the guy always drooled all over me and wanted to move very fast and be in a relationship very fast. He's the first man i've come accross that has actually said let's go slow and make sure it's right. I just want to know how long I should wait...in other people's experience, how long is too long to wait for the official boyfriend/girlfriend title?

[mhowe]

There is no answer that will make you happy. From what we have read, the answer is, "he's not that into you".

 

So, here's your answer. Two weeks. Then move on.

[Ms Darcy]

There is no answer that will make you happy. From what we have read, the answer is, "he's not that into you".

 

So, here's your answer. Two weeks. Then move on.

 

Haha, I agree. If you need a time period, wait two weeks and then bounce.

[Madison12]

You know what the best way to get him to take notice of you is? Not to wait around at all. Get busy living your own life and dating other people. THAT is what is most attractive to a man, not somebody who will wait around for him to make the final call. Why do women give up their power so easily in relationships??

[LoveLovelove10]

You know what the best way to get him to take notice of you is? Not to wait around at all. Get busy living your own life and dating other people. THAT is what is most attractive to a man, not somebody who will wait around for him to make the final call. Why do women give up their power so easily in relationships??

 

Madison...that is why I didn't stick around the first time and I know he respected me a lot for that. He has been calling or texting me every day and stuck to plans we made every time we've made plans. He's never canceled just because he was 'busy' and blew me off...that's not what I was saying. He said he isn't interested in anyone else, and we are dating...but how long should I hang around until he asks me to be his actual girlfriend. I know some people don't even have that talk...some just assume. We also live an hour apart and he's made the effort to drive down to me and put in equal effort.

[Madison12]

Two weeks.

[LoveLovelove10]

Well, for an update. We've been still going slow but he's still calling me everyday and has talked about planning for the future like weekend trips and possibly going somewhere for our spring break. I think he's just an intelligent person and wants to make sure it's right. Neither of us are at an age where we should or want to be wasting time or energy with someone that isn't right. We've both been enjoying our time together and I'm having the time of my life getting to know him. Also, he's an intelligent person for putting school and his work first at the moment. He does make time for me every weekend at least two days a week. School and work has to be in order to feel like a good person to maintain a relationship in the first place...i'm imagining especially from a man's perspective.

[Ms Darcy]

As long as you are happy, that's what matters.

[LoveLovelove10]

I'm very happy and for the first time dissapointed with the feedback from this site. It was overall negative and unrealistic to think someone would be committing fully after a month of dating. Nobody wanted to answer my question to begin with, how long should I wait meaning a time frame 1 month, 2 months, 3 months. I got two weeks...really? Two weeks is nothing, especially going on 1-2 dates a week. If I'd listened to anyone's advice and told him in some form/in other words, "he was moving too slow", he'd probably have thought I was another crazy woman like every other woman out there trying to go 500 miles an hour when I start dating someone and having expectations immediately instead of going with the flow and taking comfort in his actions. Yes, the person you love should be your #1 priority but that takes time...and if it doesn't take time, if someone is willing to drop everything and lose themselves for this one or that one, I probably wouldn't be interested in that type of person anyway.

[Madison12]

"he'd probably have thought I was another crazy woman like every other woman out there"

 

Ok really? My guy pretty much locked me down right away and I'm not crazy. In fact - he was the one pushing to be exclusive. And I liked it.

 

And, you came to a public forum asking advice on your sitch. Something about this isn't sitting well with you or you wouldn't have posted here. But it sounds like you've pretty much gotten it all figured out perfectly, so, that's awesome.

[Batya33]

Nobody really answered my question though... at this point I'm a bit emotionally invested and it's atleast worth it to see IF he's being sincere about his intentions. How long should I wait to see if he comes around despite being busy? We're both older, late 20's and have relationship experience. It's only been officially a month and a week since we started talking again. How long is too long to wait around?

 

I would date him for a total of four months, stop having sex with him (if he's too busy to properly date you/be in a relationship with you then you also don't need to invest more of yourself by getting more attached through sex) and keep all options open as far as seeing other people. He has to experience what it's like to have you treat him in a far more casual way and not give him the privilege of your company as much as you are - also stop talking every day -he doesn't get that privilege either if he's too "busy" to be a couple. Do all of this with a smile, in a lighthearted way - simply tell him you're too busy to talk every day and that you don't feel comfortable having sex anymore given his situation and intentions towards you.

 

I don't think he needs to commit this soon but most men who see potential down the road would never dream of using the "too busy" excuse and risk letting a special lady slip through his fingers- if he is truly too busy he would want to make sure you knew he was very interested in being with you seriously in the near future, and he would take great care not to create a situation where you were this emotionally involved -he likely would tell you he'd call you when things lightened up a bit and certainly he wouldn't want to have sex and risk mixed signals or you feeling used.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm very happy and for the first time dissapointed with the feedback from this site. It was overall negative and unrealistic to think someone would be committing fully after a month of dating. Nobody wanted to answer my question to begin with, how long should I wait meaning a time frame 1 month, 2 months, 3 months. I got two weeks...really? Two weeks is nothing, especially going on 1-2 dates a week. If I'd listened to anyone's advice and told him in some form/in other words, "he was moving too slow", he'd probably have thought I was another crazy woman like every other woman out there trying to go 500 miles an hour when I start dating someone and having expectations immediately instead of going with the flow and taking comfort in his actions. Yes, the person you love should be your #1 priority but that takes time...and if it doesn't take time, if someone is willing to drop%2

[LoveLovelove10]

My point was we're together now...it's not an issue any longer and we had the "talk". He has made me a priority. It was just a matter of time and patience. As you get older, I know for me anyway, its harder to open up right away. I'm almost 30 and he's 31...

 

This was the first time I didn't have someone try to put me on "lockdown" right away but those were also younger relationships. Everyone is different, but my point was if I'd put pressure on him right away...I might have actually pushed him away. He's been burned, I've been burned, I understand why he's been slow.

[LoveLovelove10]

Thank you, I really enjoyed reading your thoughful response and you are completely right!

[Ms Darcy]

"he'd probably have thought I was another crazy woman like every other woman out there"

 

Ok really? My guy pretty much locked me down right away and I'm not crazy. In fact - he was the one pushing to be exclusive. And I liked it.

 

And, you came to a public forum asking advice on your sitch. Something about this isn't sitting well with you or you wouldn't have posted here. But it sounds like you've pretty much gotten it all figured out perfectly, so, that's awesome.

 

My previous post was an error but I mostly agree with this. I don't think he needed to get you on lockdown, but this was not a guy you had known for a month. This is someone who you dated for a while 7 months ago and you weren't happy with the same thing then. If you were happy there would have been no issue and no reason to post.

 

Revisionist history is just that. I think it's inaccurate to say people didn't respond to your question or were negative. You asked for opinions, you just didn't like them.

[LoveLovelove10]

My previous post was an error but I mostly agree with this. I don't think he needed to get you on lockdown, but this was not a guy you had known for a month. This is someone who you dated for a while 7 months ago and you weren't happy with the same thing then. If you were happy there would have been no issue and no reason to post.

 

Revisionist history is just that. I think it's inaccurate to say people didn't respond to your question or were negative. You asked for opinions, you just didn't like them.

 

You're right. I did ask for opinions and I didn't like that most thought 2 weeks was ample time to give someone to commit to you. Owell, no biggie, I was just looking for a more realistic time frame. I do agree with not being taken advantage of and moving on if he didn't come around though. Yes, I dated him months ago but only went on a couple dates so I wasn't really counting all that time. A detail I didn't include was at the time, his ex girlfriend was still living with him because she didn't have anyplace to go, which was also why I decided to move on.

[calichick007]

A detail I didn't include was at the time, his ex girlfriend was still living with him because she didn't have anyplace to go, which was also why I decided to move on.

 

Geez.

 

But yeah... 2 weeks seems unrealistic, but you framed the story as though you had substantial back-history. Plus, you were already having sex with him, which necessarily ups the ante. I think it's a little unfair to come here disgruntled because you were wanting him to invest his all, then turn around and get irritated with people who agreed that it was not too soon for him to do so. Anyway, I hope you are officially together at this point. From my observation, these things rarely become official later down the line, esp. once sex is thrown in the mix.