Cynder Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I realized something over the last few days... I am almost 33 years old, and this is the first time in my life that I've liked someone and they like me back. It's sad really... but that's beside the point. The problem here is that I have no idea how to react to this. I'm serious... He sends me a facebook message and I panic and spend 20 minutes figuring out how to reply. I put myself so under the microscope when I'm around him. I'm waiting for myself to screw it all up, you know? And it shouldn't be that way. I am that doubtful of myself... And what's worse yet is I am looking for ways to demonize him too. I find myself thinking that he is just messing with me. There must be a catch... He's just playing me for an idiot, etc. I even caught myself thinking he doesn't really like me at all, this is all in my head. Most people learn how to handle this situation as a teenager. I wasn't popular as a teen. And even if I would have been, my parents were strict when it came to dating and stuff so I wouldn't have been allowed to date much even if the boys were interested. I feel this need to calculate every move... He mentioned earlier this week about me possibly coming over Saturday if I didn't have to work Sunday. Well today I found out I don't have to work Sunday and I spent hours debating on whether or not to message him. I thought I might be smothering him. He might be annoyed, etc. And I know this is a deeper seeded problem. My whole life I've been made to feel unwanted by most people. So when someone actually wants to be around me and takes interest in me it throws me completely off. I feel like I'm rambling... But I think you guys get what I"m saying. So what can I do about it? Link to comment
mfan Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Hey Cynder, Wow, this sounds really exciting for you. It's too bad you're feeling so nervous when deciding how best to reply, because I think you're being really considerate of him and your relationship to think it through so much. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but this nervous situation will become more comfortable the more time you spend in it. Just like standing on a balance beam is uncomfortable at first but after a while you acclimate and feel at home on it. Link to comment
night2rmbr Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I think you should give him a chance. Give yourself a chance! There will always be the unknown. The possibility that ___ might happen. The "what if." But, as long as you let those concerns hold as barriers, you will never know what might be waiting for you on the other end. For all you know, he could be the sweetest, most charming man you'll ever come accross. But, unless you give him a chance and let him in, you will never know. So, my advice to you would be to allow yourself to open up to the possibility. As you said in your post, this is a first for you, so if anything, you will come out of this with experience, and hopefully more confidence as well. Good luck babe! I bet it will work out fine! Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 i'm sure you are a great person, and i'm not surprised he wants to hang out with you! just be careful to not jump into a relationship too quickly - you aren't even divorced yet, are you? i mean, trust me, i am all for moving on and moving forward with your life and finding a happy relationship, but just make sure you aren't just jumping from one to another, know what i mean? other than that, be yourself and have fun!! Link to comment
RoxyGril Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 He shows that he is interested in getting to know you more. So, what's wrong with taking a chance? Go on a date with him on Sunday and get to know each other more. I am sure it will build up the confidance in you and it will allow you to continue to grow as a person. It probably open up so many doors for you. I agree with Annie24...Just don't jump into it quickly. Take the time to get to know each other and figure out if he is a person that you want to have a relationship or just a friendship. Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I just feel like I'm setting myself up for nothing but more crap. This is something I've started losing sleep over and I find myself wondering if it's just time to back away. I really do like him... he seems to like me, so I don't know what the problem is. He's had quite an eventful past. He had a drug problem for a lot of years. He's a convicted felon... He's done time in prison. He currently doesn't have a job either. But I know for a fact he is trying to find one. The economy is so bad right now that a lot of people are unemployed and can't find work, so I can't really hold that against him. I can't really hold the other stuff against him either I suppose. THat all happened a long time ago. I've been married for 7 years to a man who has never done a thing wrong in his like. No criminal record, doesn't drink, never done a drug in his life... and treats me like crap. I spent 6 years in a relationship with someone who was straight as an arrow. Came from a "nice" Christian family and everything... he also treated me like crap. Maybe there's something to why so many women like bad boys. Idk... my heart and my gut are telling me there is something good starting up here. My head is telling me I'm just doing something stupid and he's just messing with me and I should run for the hills. I hate feeling like this... As of now I have plans with him on Saturday night. I mentioned in my OP that I messaged him asking if he wanted to hang out this weekend since I have Sunday off. He does... He did send a message back asking me to come over. So why I can't I just accept that for what it is. He wants to see me Saturday night, it's that simple. But no, I have to make it all complicated in my head and think he probably has some nasty motive. Idk... I need to stop doing this to myself. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Cynder, was the prison time a non-violent offense? That is the only thing I feel concerned about. Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 It was a drug charge. He's considered a non violent offender. I've known him 9 years, he's not a violent person. I'm more worried about him falling back into that lifestyle then anything else when it comes to the drugs... Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 has he made a change in his lifestyle to not go down that path again? i'm for giving people 2nd chances, but is he staying away from that crowd, not doing things that got him there in the first place, etc....? a lot of people can be young and do stupid things, but has he grown past it? Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 He doesn't still hang around with the people who got him into the hard drugs... but he does hang out with a lot of potheads. I don't think there's anything wrong with smoking pot as long as people aren't stupid about it. I know some people think a drug is a drug no matter what... but I. Think there's a difference between a. Casual pot smoker and a drug addict. Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Wow... I guess my phone decided to randomly insert periods into that post where they should be, lol. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 He's had quite an eventful past. He had a drug problem for a lot of years. He's a convicted felon... He's done time in prison. He currently doesn't have a job either. Well, he sounds perfectly charming. The only thing he's missing is a few illegitimate kids. So, the logic here is that since your husband was a god-fearing Christian with no prison record and no drug history, BUT, he treated you like garbage for years, that you might as well go for a guy with this amount of baggage, hoping he'll treat you better? Um... I would think if you're divorcing your husband in hopes of a better life, you'd aim a little higher on the food chain. Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ariel, I think I remember reading that yoou are a former drug addict. Sorry if I'm wrong on this one. But assuming I'm right, don't you think q person can change? You did. All that stuff happened a long time ago. I'm questioning it myself, obviously. But I figured you would have a different perspective since I thought you had lived it. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well, he sounds perfectly charming. The only thing he's missing is a few illegitimate kids. So, the logic here is that since your husband was a god-fearing Christian with no prison record and no drug history, BUT, he treated you like garbage for years, that you might as well go for a guy with this amount of baggage, hoping he'll treat you better? Um... I would think if you're divorcing your husband in hopes of a better life, you'd aim a little higher on the food chain. If it was a hard drug like heroin, meth, or coke this will be something you will have to worry about forever. It's really common for a former addict to backslide after years of not using and then die because their tolerance isn't what it was when they were using. Since he's still using other drugs, I'd say this is much more likely than if he was completely sober. I've seen this exact thing happen to a family member and his girlfriend is still dealing with it 10 years later. And then jobs are hard to come by even if you don't have a felony. He could be looking at a long time of unemployment. People can change, but an addiction to those drugs causes permanent brain chemistry changes that are beyond the will power of the addict to change. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Ariel, I think I remember reading that yoou are a former drug addict. Sorry if I'm wrong on this one. But assuming I'm right, don't you think q person can change? You did. All that stuff happened a long time ago. I'm questioning it myself, obviously. But I figured you would have a different perspective since I thought you had lived it. Yep, very true, I was. And I definitely believe in giving former addicts a second chance. However, I don't continue to associate with users (and haven't since getting clean), I never did prison time, and I've always been employed. You cannot go through the addiction and recovery cycle successfully, and walk out and fool yourself that it's OK to still hang around drug addicts. If it was just one thing from his past - fine. But he's got a lot of strikes and doesn't seem to be moving forward with his life in a positive direction, which is why I wouldn't see him as being a welcome addition to yours. Link to comment
Cynder Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Pl3asehelp, I can't say for sure that he is still using other drugs. He hangs out with some potheads but that doesn't mean much. Most of my frioends are poptheads too and I currently am not smoking it. I haven't seen him smoke it. So I can't just assume he is. But you are right, it was crack he was addicted to. This was in his early 20s and he's almost 40 now. Link to comment
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