Pain, devastation, heartbreak

[lostandscared5]

Hey guys I just want to apologize for disappearing on you guys. I always forget that I have a support network through forum garden too. I really need your support and feedback in this case so please write back.

 

So here goes nothing.

 

On August 18 of this year, I met M on link removed. It took him a month to gain my trust and I began to believe that he is different. That M is the guy who will not leave me but as you can see from the title he did. That he is not like all the other guys who have left me in the past. We started off with alot of problems and we tried our best to work those out. We were always open and honest with him and that is what kept our relationship afloat. I told him about sleeping with my ex twice when I first started talking to him...about a week or two after we got together..September 18..which almost broke us up..but didn't. I was still talking to my exes and I stopped talking to them knowing that M minds. He told me about how a girl put her ass there when he was turned on, that he watches porn.

 

We had our share of problem: communication problems mainly on my part, how my maturity level isn't the same as someone myself due to the way I grew up..how I let my parents treat me like a child cuz I am afraid to speak up for myself and to gain their respect, how I think the world revolves around me and is inconsiderate of other peoples feeling, how I don't know how my actions affects others, how my insecurities ansemtions get the better of me, how I am more reserved about doing sexual things than he is, etc. etc. But we get through this cuz he knows that I am trying to be better, a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better girlfriend etc. and he is happy with me. He is always overlooking the bad for the good. We both knew that we love and care about each other.

 

It came as a shock to me when he said I can't deal with the fact that you have HPV and I can't risk getting it. There are two sides of looking at that 1) that he was leading me on or 2) he was trying to best his deal with it bf couldn't. He was doing a lot of research on how we could be sure of the status of my condition when really there is no way of knowing for sure. The more research he did the more it scared him off. I knew that he did that hoping to find a solution and maybe he did mean it when he said I don't want this whole HPV thing to break us up but still. Whatever happened to if you love and care about someone enough, it wouldn't matter what they have?

 

I am struggling on so many levels to deal with this. 1) it's unbelievable how he left me. 2) an ex of men have left me the same way and makes me think history has repeated itself. 3) it makes me question if I will ever be able to put my heart out there again and risk having the same thing happen a third time. 4) it makes it so much more difficult for me to deal with the fact that I have HPV, how I might not be able to have kids because of it and how I have to deal with this for the rest of my life and how I don't know how I will be able to do it and if I am strong enough and built for it or not.

 

Any feedback, opinion, advice is welcomed. Thanks for reading this and for being a part of my support system.

[camus154]

1. HPV is far more common than people think. I'm not downplaying it, but it's also not the end of the world.

2. You clearly have some issues with men that you might want to explore with a therapist on YOUR OWN before worrying about a man in your life.

3. If you're unhappy with getting the same results, then quit making the same decisions!

[jas56]

It is terribly unfortunate that you continue to go through this same cycle. The problem is that you want to feel something and have someone so it is easy for a dude to convince you that something is there and I know its hard when that isn't the truth. The thing is, you have a ton of learning to do. A ton. Something must drastically change in order for you to move forward because you are still in the same spot when it comes to this area of your life. Oh and what camus said. Somehow you need to figure out a way to see a therapist because there may be more to the story then you may realize. Hopefully you will learn sooner rather than later.

[lostandscared5]

I know and I agree. Does that mean I should give up on relationships until I go to a therapist and solve all of my problems with relationships and guys in general? I cannot afford to see a therapist at the moment.