Help on this matter please anyone, thought I found the right one to trust, BUT

[worryeveryday]

Hi,

 

I am just new on here tonight,

 

I have a problem with my boyfriend, until Tuesday I thought we had the perfect relationship, (as perfect as mine go, I am very insecure, suffer OCD behaviour, over thinking and major general anxiety) we have been dating from last year and got off to a slow start with me not knowing what I wanted. But since officially together we have been what I thought the perfect couple.

 

We had a tough start to the year with his younger brother dying as a result of suicide, although we had only been together a matter of 5 months and a great strain on the relationship as I was trying to help him come to terms with his death and also see the impact I could have had on my family had I gone through with it a few years ago we decided to be honest with each other about everything, we have spoke about everything, feelings, ex partners, previous one night stands, strip clubs (I HATE THEM and have major trust issues regarding them) future plans on travelling, children and marriage. I thought on a whole I found the guy of my dreams (he can be insecure at times too and have trust issues due to being cheated on in a previous relationship).

 

As I said before I have major trust issues and insecurities, I ask a million questions in a day about things I already know the answer to but can't seem to stop myself (my OCD behaviour) however this guy seems to just get it.

 

Ok so how it came about that our relationship has a flaw, due to my nature I ask things like do you swear on my life we have been honest about everything with each other, there is nothing you are hiding from me?

 

Turns out I found him secretly opening a letter, when I asked what it was he said nothing (so unlike him as I have felt up until then he has told me everything) I asked again and he said private, after flying off the handle he then tells me its a credit card bill for a few thousand pounds. I feel so devastated as I felt we shared everything with each other. So auto matically I assume he's spent it on something he doesn't want me to know about or a secret life. We spend pretty 24/7 with each other so I know it's not that.

 

ok more info on why this has hurt me, when his brother died it was discoverd he had a few debts racked up on credit cards and his girlfriend knew nothing about it, she said to us, 'please you two just be honest about everything when it comes to problems you have', and I asked him then did he have any debts he said no.

 

He also about a month after his brothers death told me his mum had once lied about money to his dad (another reason I don't understand why he didn't tell me)

 

So basically my problem with this situation is why didnt he tell me about it? From sitting down and speaking about it he tells me he wracked up the debts a couple years ago while drinking and online gambling and just never paid it off. (he used to remind me to pay my credit card off each month so again its strange why he didn't tell me he had one)

 

He has sworn he will be honest about everything from now on (and apart from the credit card I have no reason to believe he is a liar - am a pretty good detective and if something doesnt feel right I follow my gut) and I have managed to get him to switch it to a interest free credit card and cancel all his online gambling accounts. He has shown me his credit card statements for the past 3 months as from what I can see on the site thats as far back as it will let us look, it appears he has only been paying a little over the interest each month so basically he has not been paying any of it off. He has a pretty decent job and a few thousand in savings. so why has this credit card not been paid off???

 

Should I worry about this or accept his reason of he wracked it up a couple years ago while drinking heavily and gambling, and when he met me he just felt it would all go away?

 

He has been in a right mess since I have found out, crying and asking me to help him (not financially) figure out how to pay it off i.e switching it and getting the best deal and maybe using some of his savings to pay it off quicker.

 

I love this guy but due to my anxiety and trust issues am just struggling with will I get over the fact he lied and kept this from me. I have discussed with him how hurt I am and how I worry I will not be able to forgive him for lying. He says it was his problem to fix and didnt want to add another on to me.

 

SHOULD I BELIEVE HIM

 

Please help me

[Captain Obvious]

Maybe he feels that because of your trust issues and insecurities that if he mentions something bad like the debt then you may get overly upset, bascially scared to tell you. Although maybe he is just ashamed of his addiction to gambling, I think if you let him off for lying and assist him in sorting it out he will have no need to lie to you in the future about such things.

[DN]

Why is his credit card debt your business?

[worryeveryday]

Hi Captain Obvious, Yeah I think it's a whole list of things, I think he maybe feels he missed the boat on telling me and then I put so much on the are you being 100% honest about everything in this relationship, sure we've only been together a year and it can takes more than that for some relationships to become as in depth as I feel ours were.

 

I do believe he know's nothing about his own debt, when I seen the statement he has only been paying the minimum his direct debits were only set up for that.

 

I know if he had jut gone and blown about £3000 on something surely he would have taken it out of his savings he told me he has (savings and a shares account) and not on a credit card, that again makes me think he was just in a mess a couple years ago before we met and wanted to forget about it. The credit card was dated from 2009 and it does add up that that is when he was going out and drinking too much, he's only 27 now. When his brother died his other brother said to me to make sure he didn't go back to his old ways (am guessing this is what he meant) so that adds up also.

 

I guess I am just hurt about the lie, I told him about my friends relationships and said how they don't tell each other anything about they're past and for them it works, but I remember us saying to eachother we liked how we shared everything. I guess he was just struggling with as he says when he met me he finally had hobbies, (we are really into our biking and walking) and when the statements came in he just shoved them away. And with losing his brother I guess the last thing you think about is dealing with your own problems.

 

I think the main problem here is due to my irrational turst and insecurites, and all I can see is the lie the lie the lie. When in actual fact his money problems are private to him and in no way affecting me until we perhaps buy a house, (we live together right now but just rent) we have spoke about moving abroad and maybe he might have mentioed before we did. But £3000 isn't much to pay off really it's not like he has £10,000 worth of debt so maybe he jsut didn't see it as important. But the weird thing is he seen how happy I was when I paid off my credit card and became debt free, so why if he was struggling with it did he not say.

 

He know's I am writing for advice and he feels although I am greatly confused by it all we are stong enough to get through it, he has never given me reason to doubt him before.

 

I also called my parents for advice (he knew about this also) and they said stick by him and be there for him, if they for a second doubted anything I am sure they would warn me, this is the first guy they think is good for me.

 

Just so confused, emotions are terrible things,

[worryeveryday]

Why is his credit card debt your business?

 

We have sat down and spoke about this with each other, it's not so much the money I couldn't have cared if it had been £5,000 10,000 or 20,000 it is more that we spoke about debt in detail when we seen the impact it had on his family when his brother died, that his girlfriend knew nothing about. He knew I had a little left to pay off and now I have and he used to sit with me and make sure i'd put a little extra away so i'd pay it off quicker. So it's more that we were open with each other about money.

 

We also live together and have done for the last 6 months and within the next 6 months we hope to have moved abroad, so I guess as a couple it is good to know how each other values money and debt.

 

But it's def not the fact he has credit card debt just that he felt he couldnt' share his worries about it, but with sitting down and helping him apply to a new balance transfr credit card, I have managed show him he will not be paying £80 interest each month on his current one.

 

We both have decent jobs and comfortably live within our salary each month and enjoy weekends away and meals out at least 3 4 times a month, and he knows that with hard work he could easy pay this debt off within 3 months. I hope I can offer him the support. He looked a completely broken man when it did all come out and that i'd think less of him that he had this debt.

[thejigsup]

If I had a partner with OCD, the last thing I would do is share bad things with them. See how you reacted? Most people cannot live with that kind of reaction. It seems normal to you, but honey, it's not.

[worryeveryday]

If I had a partner with OCD, the last thing I would do is share bad things with them. See how you reacted? Most people cannot live with that kind of reaction. It seems normal to you, but honey, it's not.

 

I don't feel that my reaction was different than any 'normal' person as you put it, I posted on this forum as it was to do about trust and relationships, after living together for the past 6-7 months and having been with each other for a year I feel that it was more seeing my boyfriend lie about the whole thing. Trust and honesty are very important in a relationship to me and I felt my boyfriend shared the same values. Seeing the mess he was in when it did all come out here is no way this could have been kept his secret forever he has since asked for help with his online gambling and paying off credit cards.

 

we have been through far worse together as a couple such as the sudden news of his brothers suicide, he informed me if it hadn't been for me he's not sure he could have coped with it alone. To me that is far worse than some credit bill that I would never have thought wrong of him for, we all have a past, he knows very intimate details of mine. You made it out like I am not worth being with becasue I have a mental health issue, think how that made him feel, his own brother obviously suffered mental torture. If I had cancer or diabetes then my boyfriend has more chance of sharing things with me is that correct? I do not think over reaction is normal, thats one thing with OCD the sufferer can see it is irrational fear but does not know how to stop it.