Hard to let go and move on from my first love

[Fill]

This has been the toughest week since the day my ex left me.

 

Here's a quick recap of my relationship with my ex, [link removed a link to the whole story) :

 

-Both of us are 22

-Dated 3.5 years

-She is first girlfriend and first love.

-Broke up 4 times over a period of 2 months. This was during the end of our relationship.

-The reason she wanted to break up was because she wanted to be single, was too young in life to be committed to one person, and didn't want any priorities in her life.

-After the last break up she decides she wants us to be best friends. I tried it out for a week, but I couldn't shake the feelings of pain and jealousy when she told me she went out on dinner dates and dancing with other guys in clubs.

-I sent her a letter letting her know that I wouldn't communicate with her or be her best friend, let alone being a friend, until my feelings for her die down.

-I've been on NC for the past 4 weeks.

-After two weeks of NC she e-mails me regarding getting her computer back, but she also mentioned that she misses having me around and misses having me as her best friend. [link removed a link to the e-mail)

-Last week she decided to come by my house and drop off a b-day gift for me. Although that was very thoughtful and sweet, seeing her has thrown me back. [link removed a link to that whole situation)

 

Well it's almost been a week since I last saw her, but after seeing her it felt like somebody threw some salt on my open wounds. This has been the roughest week for me since she left me. I constantly think about her day and night, and I've been losing a lot of sleep. She's constantly on my mind everywhere I go. What's even worse is that I just started my last year of college and it's been tough on me. I can't seem to concentrate when I'm in class and it feels like I want to take this semester off because I don't feel like doing anything but mope around. It feels like I lost all motivation to do things. After receiving all the syllabi from all my classes and looking at all the work I have to do this upcoming semester, I feel like I just want to give up. I feel it's hard to anything when she's not around. Maybe it's because I just saw her last week, I dunno, but after she came by everything seemed to turn all bad for me.

 

My social life has also turned for the worst. I've been able to connect and talk with old friends from the past, people I met before and during my relationshipw with her, but I can't seem to make or hold a conversation with new people. I've been trying to take all the advice on this forum and go out and meet new people, but it doesn't seem to be happening for me. Sometimes I don't even try to approach people because mind is focused on my ex and how much pain this has been. When I do try to make conversation, I don't really know what to say. It always end up being short like "What classes are you taking?" and that's basically it. Before I dated my ex I was comfortable meeting and talking to new people. Now I get this anxiety running through me when I approach somebody or when somebody talks to me. I dunno what it is, but I feel like I lost my self confidence after my ex left me. I've been stuck in a rut not knowing what to do. I want to go out and meet new people, but it seems like I'm stuck wallowing in my pain. Another thing that has been getting to me is when I'm out and trying to meet new people, I get thoughts of my ex meeting new people and her being successful in doing so because all her friends she hangs out with now are people she met in her college, while the group of friends I hang out with are people I met back in high school. I get jealous over the thought of this because at times it makes me feel a bit inferior to her and when I do try to meet new people and when I'm not able to connect with them, I feel like I have failed. I feel like my self-esteem has taken a hit after she left me.

 

I'm really having a hard time letting go and moving on. I've read a few books that said to tell yourself it's over and not look back, which I've been doing, but after she showed up last week, a huge part of me wants to be back with her. I keep having thoughts of her having fun and enjoying her life which leaves me frozen in my tracks and puts me in a lot of pain because I feel like I've been suffering a lot since the break up. I've also been having lots of thoughts of her being with other guys and this really fires me up. I know that these thoughts aren't true, but I keep picturing her being with somebody else and these thoughts are getting me upset. Its been a very tough week for me. I feel like giving up on everything and crawl into bed. I feel very stressed this week and it always reminds me that when I'm stressed I would be able to call her and talk to her about it, but now its not possible. I just needed to get this off my chest. This has been with me for the past week.

[MrMikeWikowski]

Dood,

 

I feel for you. I really do. That sucks.

 

I have some good new and some bad new for you.

 

Let's start with bad. What you are going through is incredibly hard. You have probably not experienced anything so emotionally painful and difficult in your life. You are overwhelmed, and in pain. I understand. I have been there. A few times actually. There is no doubt that when you love someone and they don't love you back, or won't admit they do, your ego takes a serious kick in the pants. You my friend are down, BUT,

 

NOT out,

 

For the good news is that it gets better. I (and many others on this board) can tell you without a doubt that things get better. My story is long and painful, and I still love my ex (god knows why But I have healed so much. I still miss her, but I have got my life generally back together where I want it You can do the same. It is a slow process, but you have to do it. You have to heal - whether you want to be with your ex not - and whether you are ever with your ex or not. You have to heal YOU. There is no way things would work out if your ex came back right now anyway. I feel that things are too messed up in your head, and you are to hurt to really love right now. Trust me on this one too. I tried.

 

So, how to heal? You really, really need to do NC. Strict, no exceptions! . You cannot be her friend. It will destroy you. You cannot be there for her now. She has made her choice. Let her live it. You need to live your own life. I know it is hard. Things just are kinda grey. Look for the light, but realize that they will be grey for a bit. Make the most of what you love to do. Try to make yourself a better person. But realize that that small steps are best. You have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself. It is a long road.

 

BUT, remember, it does get better. Just stay away from the EX. It makes all the difference in the world. It really does.

 

Good luck. Be strong. Life is good, just hard sometimes.

 

PM me if you need

 

Mike

[auburnslp]

that post by Mike is absolutely right on target...honestly I could not have said it better myself, and I couldn't agree more...good luck...

[rich46]

I agree, MrMikeWikowski gave some great advice. You know what to do though, it's just a case of going through the pain and doing it. You seem like a tough guy though so I'm sure you'll come through!

 

I just wanted to add that it is completely normal to have lost some self confidence and self esteem. I think I lost mine gradually over the last few weeks/couple of months of our relationship. The way she was becoming more and more distant, the fact that she was meeting all these new people and in a sense leaving me behind - that all took it's toll. I no longer felt wanted like I used to do, and it almost felt like it was a chore for her to call me. The final nail in the coffin was when she admitted that she needed to be single, free, time and space, etc.

 

For about 4 weeks I hardly left the house unless I needed to. One night I went on a night out but it turned into a bit of a disaster. Like you, I found it hard to talk to the people there who I had never met before. They probably think I'm a bit weird, but I was literally thinking about my ex all night. I ended up drinking excessively and you don't wanna know the rest!!!

 

But the last couple of weeks I've started to feel better...bit by bit. My confidence is slowly coming back, and hopefully soon it will be near the level it was when I first met my ex. Try not to think about the great time your ex is having - it really is unlikely that she is doing as well as you imagine in your mind. We naturally think the worst case scenario, but I doubt she is on cloud 9 all the time. Besides, you should be determined to make yourself happy, and eventually your self esteem and confidence will come back. Prove to yourself that you can be happy without her. You don't need her to be happy.

 

Just give it time, and keep doing what your doing.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[Vert]

Rich,

I know how you feel about going out. It's only been about two weeks since I started NC with my ex-gf, and she's already been out to clubs/bars more than a handful of times. Last night I went out for the first time since our breakup, and my best friend here took me downtown. It was great fun as he's a naturally outgoing guy and had many girls hanging out with us all night. I must say it was particularly reassuring to have girls (particularly one that talked to me most of the night) be around and pay attention to me and flirt all night. I did have a weird feeling doing it, but I just kept reminding myself that I am not in a relationship anymore -- I am single. My ex-gf wanted this and since she's already moving it, on seems, by going out and drinking socially. She was always better at it than I was -- I prefer not to do it -- and has taken back to it like a duck to water. Regardless, I had a great time, and I'm looking forward to seeing some people again (I even got phone nums).

[vimora]

Hi,

 

Broke up with my ex a month ago, NC going on for about a little over two weeks now.

 

Like you Rich, I was really starting to lose my self-esteem and confidence in the last weeks/months of our relationship also. I also felt him getting more and more distant and it made me more and more doubtful of myself. He's the more social one out of the two of us, he has lots of friends and now that we're broken up I can't help but keep thinking how easier for him it is to move on 'cause he can easily fill the void I left with his many friends. He very good at charming people and i know he probably will have no trouble meeting new people. I too started feeling like it was a chore for him to be with me or that I was cramping his style.

 

Now that we're not together anymore I'm slowly, it seems, regaining some self-confidence and this is just recently. I just started a new university so I'm talking to new people and making good connections so far. My friends ( not that I have many) have been very supportive. I didn't really spend too much time with them when I was with my ex but now post-break-up we all hangout together more and they are picking up the emptiness he left behind. For this, I'll also be forever grateful to them.

I'm even wearing clothes that I'd never have worn before with the lower levels of self-esteem I had, but just telling myself not to hide anymore is helping me feel better about myself. (plus, in looking good and feeling confident I can tell myself that he is missing out on something special)

 

Slowly, one day at a time. I hope it gets less painful sooner rather then later though, it's still pretty fresh. I still want to be back together, but it helps to think about why we broke up- puts things into perspective.

 

Hope everyone else here pulls through too, this is lame to say - like a l'Oréal commercial- but we are all worth it.

[Fill]

Hey guys, thanks for all the great advice. Last week was pretty bad for me, as you guys can see, but now I'm feeling a much better than I was. I agree with you guys that your self-esteem takes a blow when your ex leaves you, which is very evident in my case. I can sympathize with Rich because his situation and mine are almost exactly alike. Even during this time of healing I can understand how he feels. Just like in his situation, when I do go out with people I find it hard to talk to people and focus in on what they're saying because my mind is constantly on my ex. Recently I've been regaining my confidence slowly. I know its going to be a long process till I'm completely healed.

 

I also have a couple of questions that have been brewing in my head. The first is how do you get a good nights worth of sleep. I've been feelinge fatigued as of late. I'm usually very tired when I go to sleep at night, but I either end up waking up early or can't sleep because I have thoughts running through my head. Usually these thoughts are about my ex, but they don't seem to be painful thoughts. Can anybody offer any advice?

 

My next question is when you are completely healed and over your ex, should you contact her? One of my friends whose in a relationship right now told me he has never kept in touch or called any of his exes, even though he is completely over her. He didn't have much of an explanation to back up his point, but it got me thinking about it. Say I am all healed and over her, should I try to contact her? I mean if I do contact her, does it mean I'm not over her? I know its going to be a tough road ahead trying to rebuild a friendship after a long period of NC, but would it be right because sometimes I think that I might not be over her if I do contact her, Sometimes I think that when I find somebody new that I love, that means that I'm over her and maybe that would be the right time to contact her again. Any comments on advice on this too?

[vimora]

Not sure but this could help with your sleeping.

I've been suffering from insomnia for the past year or so and only during the last week and half I've been trying something that has helped.

I used to spend my night mulling over things and thinking too much, more recently thinking about my ex (it's only been a little over a month since the break-up) but i finally decided to try some advice I got from someone a long time ago.

 

When I go to bed, sometimes right before I go to bed, but mostly while I lie in bed thinking too much I force myself to get up (this is key, even if you feel sleepy or tired, get up) and go write down all my thoughts and things that I can't seem to get out of my head. I don't keep a diary and this isn't actually one, I don't think. I just jot down the thoughts as they come, in note form or complete sentences, sometimes I write the emotion I'm feeling etc. It's sorta like putting your thoughts away for the night so you can focus on sleeping.

 

I suffered pretty badly from lack of sleep but so far this seems to be the best method (trust me, I've tried many) to get some rest.

 

Hope this helps!

[light bulb]

I had trouble sleeping as well when my breakup was still fresh.

 

What made it a lot better is that I quit drinking caffeine COMPLETELY. I also started working out which definitely made falling asleep easier. I would also suggest avoiding daytime naps (if you take them) and try waking up at the same time every day (even if you don't have to). Having a regular body clock helps.

 

As for contacting your ex; I feel that it's a bad idea. I'm not sure any of us ever completely get over our ex's. Really, I feel that we just learn to forget and let go. Contacting them again is sure to bring back some feelings, even if you don't expect it to happen. Besides, I agree that if you want to contact her, you're not really over her...you're not letting go. You need to move on...unfortunately for you, she already has and the quicker you realize that, the quicker you'll move on too. I know it's sad and I'm sorry. I wish you luck though!

[Fill]

Thanks for the great advice again guys. Vimora, you made a good point. Lately I've been writing a journal. Whenever I was overwhelmed with thoughts, I would write in the journal. I never thought of writing in the journal in the middle of the night. Now I'm going to give it a try when I can't sleep because of all these thoughts about my ex running through my head.

 

Last night I went out with a friend who is about to leave the country soon. She invited a few of her closest buddies along. One of her friends is single, so she wanted me to talk to her and get to know her better. I tried my best to make conversation with her, but I felt weird doing it. I kept thinking about my ex when I was talking to this girl. In my mind I wanted to be with my ex and talk to her instead of trying to start something with this new girl. I came to the conclusion that even after a month of NC, I'm not even ready to talk to new girls because I'm still missing my ex a whole lot.

[auburnslp]

well, you know it, so don't push it Fill...these things take time...it takes time to get over a lost love, you know this...so we can't risk the rebound thing...keep trying periodically, and see how it feels...one day it will feel right...one day you will be over the ex enough that you can meet other girls and truly enjoy every moment of speaking with them...for now, we have to be fair to us, and in so doing, be fair to them...and if we are not ready, we shouldn't even be trying. Good luck Michael

[light bulb]

I still can't talk to 'potential girls' and it's been nearly 4 months. I did end up having some meaningless sex (for the first time in my life) Thursday night though. It made me feel 800x better...probably just b/c it was a super confidence booster (the girl was hot too). I'm not the type that looks for a night like that...but something happened to me. Maybe it's because my mojo's been missing for a while and it all came rushing back that night. Either way, since then I've been feeling pretty great and I haven't gotten sad thinking about my ex once. 8)

 

The moral of the story is that you've gotta do what you gotta do to feel better. Get that confidence back and become yourself again. For me, months of going to the gym, eating well, and starting NC didn't make me feel all that great...one crazy night did though! Good luck buddy!