help, really low point, really need support

[tacs1895]

Back to my lowest point in quite a while, nine months post breakup, three year relationship, due to the email she sent me yesterday.

 

She wrote to say she's sad that we don't seem to be able to be friends. We see each other regularly, as musicians we rehearse and perform together regularly. I've found it very hard, both because of having to see her regularly and also because of her never having given a real explanation for the breakup. So I've not managed to get over still wanting to be with her, and it's been very painful. In seeing her regularly we have had no proper conversation since about five months ago, other than being polite. Now she is saying she's sad that we don't seem to be able to friends and to offer to talk and clear the air.

 

I was pleased to get this part of her message, because what I've hoped for all along is some kind of reaching out, not just in the hope of reconciliation (although that's part of it), but also just to see her being open and being honest about whatever happened, so that I could really move on. I've been hurt by the breakup, but also by her behaviour since, which has been basically not very understanding and at times unfairly keen to be friends, to gloss over the issues and just expect me to be ok and to be friends, even when I'd explicitly said I couldn't promise that.

 

However, (this is the bad bit), she was also writing to let me know that she's seeing someone else, a mutual friend. I had my suspicions immediately after the breakup, but put it down to irrational just-been-dumped jealousy. However, it wasn't a surprise to hear now that they're together. They were good friends already, became closer while she and I were still together, and then since breaking up have seen a lot of each other, and now it's obviously grown into something more. I'm 99% sure there was no cheating or anything like that, and this is now nine months post breakup. Nonetheless, it's hard to take, because I did see it coming, and with hindsight I can see that their friendship was growing while our relationship was growing stale. Also, I guess it's hard because it's just another nail in the coffin of the breakup, because I have still wanted for her to come back.

 

I've known that sooner or later I would have to deal with her seeing someone else. I'm pleased that she's finally shown some willingness to talk, without it being me to initiate it. But I'm also annoyed that it's only come up at the same time as her announcing her new relationship. I don't know if and when she would have offered to clear the air if not for this new thing. I'm pleased for the opportunity perhaps to clear things up once and for all, maybe to finally find some closure over what happened, but I still don't know how much she will be able or willing to explain. And that conversation is now massively complicated by me the knowledge of her new relationship, the context of their friendship during our relationship, and that prospect that even once we've had that conversation, I will still have to face the reality of seeing her with someone else.

 

My therapist has suggested I write a letter to her without sending it, so as to get things out and so that I can work out what I really want to say and then how I want to say it. He's said I could email it to him also so he can offer some advice. There are so many issues that I can't begin to write them here, I could go on for ever... Maybe I will add some stuff later.

 

I guess I'm not really after advice - I know what I want and need to say, and I will work out how to do it most constructively. Certainly a conversation needs to take place, I've no doubt about that. I guess I'm just after sympathy and understanding. It's such a painful situation - to have had to deal with not getting any real explanation of her side of things, to still want her, to have to see her regularly, and now her new relationship. It means I haven't been able to have the space to come to terms with it, to let memories fade, or find a peaceful way of letting go. I think I imagined that I would reach a stage of acceptance, of being ok with it and being thankful for what it was. But it hasn't happened, instead I've not managed to let go of wanting it, and yet have been filled with conflicting feelings of anger and betrayal, both for how she's behaved since, and for her having essentially led me on into believing that our relationship was stronger than it really was. And I can't see a solution or a way out of this painful situation.

 

Please offer your support, I'm very low right now. Just to let you know, I generally respond better to posts where I feel understood and empathised with, what I don't need right now is any 'cruel to be kind' or 'harsh but fair' reality checks about how to get on with it or how I'm better off without her, those kinds of posts tend to antagonise me. I just need some understanding of how I'm feeling, which is basically very fragile, because this has been a big setback for me. I just need to prepare for this conversation, have it and be done with it. It's not going to be any fun, but I think it will be a milestone of sorts in the process of getting over things. I'm going through all sorts of emotions, almost as if we just broke up - sadness, betrayal, anger, loneliness, helplessness. Please help me get through this and keep moving on. Thanks.

[dabbledave]

I think I imagined that I would reach a stage of acceptance, of being ok with it and being thankful for what it was ... I'm going through all sorts of emotions, almost as if we just broke up - sadness, betrayal, anger, loneliness, helplessness.

 

Hi tacs,

 

Sorry to hear what you're going through, and I do empathise.

 

Why don't you try proactively accepting your situation by focusing on the positives in your life NOW and being thankful for them NOW?

 

Why don't you try analysing the reasons for your sadness, betrayal, anger, loneliness, helplessness, etc? Challenge the assumptions you have that are causing you to think the thoughts that make you feel those emotions.

 

You can't embark on a journey without taking the first step. So start your healing journey now by taking the first step!

 

Only you can take that step. No-one on this forum can move your feet for you.

 

(Some ideas that might be helpful are in the thread URL in my sig.)

 

Take care, mate.

 

DD

[Allipie]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I think everything you are feeling is normal-you had your suspicions and now find that they were true, all while having that hope that she would come back. You're actually very strong for talking to her and it's REALLY good that you're talking to a therapist.

 

You'll be ok for sure. Just give it time and remember that talking to her isn't going to make the pain stop. It's a process...and I have complete faith in you being ok!

[broken bottle]

Tacs, your post made me cry I am sorry for feeling that way. I am in the same boat though. My ex, my first serious relationship in live left me and 1 month later he is with another girl that he said "makes me feel not so anxious as with you". It felt almost like a betrayal. I also know i am better off without him but nevertheless i am back to saddness, loneliness, constant analyzing, thinking and trying to accept. Unfortunately right NOW there is not much to be happy in my life so i am just hanging on.

 

Know that you`re not alone and this too shall pass...

[No1]

The best thing about loving someone is making memories, the worst part about them is making memories. You two shared some wonderful moments and I can say she hasnt forgotten about them. You are not forgotten in her life. You two were apart of one another and then as life has it.. two ships just continued to move on in the night. Kind of a dumb visual, but she help made you to the person you are. You help made her to the person she is.

The reason for the break up is really not important. Its done and she has moved on, and there is nothing saying you cant move on. She rehearses just like you and she doesnt have a problem only because she is seeing someone? You are the only one who is blocking your happiness. Yes I know it hurts to see them, but you loved her and part of loving them is letting them go. Just because she is seeing someone doesnt mean its forever.

On a bright side (if there is one) you have your absolution now. You know there isnt a chance to get back, so you dont have to worry about it. You dont have to decode every look, every gesture, every smile, or every movement she makes. You determine your happiness my friend, not her. And after 9 months, if you are still writing letters, I would probably say stop now. Why you ask? Because all you are doing is re-opening your wound. You have said all you had to say in your letters and its time to let it go.

So let me ask you who is making you feeling sad, betrayed, angry, lonely, helpless? Its not her, she has not spoken to you. Its you that is doing this. Now, if you cant be friends with her now, thats okay..nothing wrong with that..break ups take time to heal. But nothing wrong with saying I would like to be friends with you, but I just need a little more time.

One friend told me after my break up with my GF, she said.. "have you ever thought that life removed her away from your heart to make room for someone better?" And that stuck with me. You never know, you can meet someone better tomorrow, or next week. But to do that, you have to be open to that idea. If you are happy, you will get happy in return, if you are sad and miserable, you will also get that in return.

So why not do things that make you happy. 3 years ago, you were happy enough of a guy to attract a girl. Nothing saying you cant find that guy again and attract someone better.

[tacs1895]

Thanks for the responses. It is true that I have to take control of this for myself and make my own happiness. Also, despite my low point now, I have been slowly improving overall through these last nine months, it's just that this has been a bit of a setback - all part of the process. I admit that I haven't managed fully to let go, and it's true that, in a cruel way, her being with someone else can actually help me stop holding on.

 

As for the letter, it's not something I've been doing continuously all this time, and certainly haven't sent her anything. It's just an exercise set by my therapist to help me get my thoughts out. I do need to have this conversation with her, partly just because of having to see her. Although I do need to take my own responsibility for my well-being, her behaviour since the break up hasn't helped - I just want to make things absolutely clear so she knows where I stand, because at the moment she seems to find it confusing and sad that we're not being friends. It's obvious to me that I can't be friends for the foreseeable future, but I do need to make it clear to her, so that she can behave in as sensitive way as possible. It may be that having the conversation does cause some pain, but I think I need to do it because one source of my anxiety has been of not really telling her certain things about how I feel - I was avoiding that because I was holding out for reconciliation and not wanting to push her away further. I feel that (naively or otherwise) she just doesn't realise how much she's hurt me, and it's important to me that she understands that. Because up until now she just glossed over everything and wanted everything to be cheerful and ok, and I thought it was disrespectful and unrealistic of her to expect that of me.

 

I think her accepting some kind of responsibility for the situation as it is now is a requirement for any future friendship. It's true that there's nothing wrong with me just saying I'm not yet ready for friendship. But I don't like the way that that then relieves her of any responsibility towards making it possible. It's all very well of her to say "I'm here when you're ready", but her dishonesty and lack of openness are also barriers to friendship, and she needs to realise that, and, if she genuinely wants friendship down the line, do something about it. Or otherwise accept that it's not only me but also her that is preventing it happening.

[dabbledave]

Hi tacs,

 

1guygirl just wrote this in my thread. I think it describes well the sort of communication we should aim for with our exes (if we dare!) because it is the sort of communication that will not only aid our own healing but regenerate some respect in the eyes of our exes:

 

"...as long as any of us do not whine beg or plead, but state our truth and true intentions in a loving, mature way, then we have not lost any power...but gained it...for ourselves."

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[BlueRose66]

Hi Tacs- I want to address the issue of friendship in this situation. There is no rule that you have to be friends with her. You can be cordial, and at the same time choose not to have her as a friend. I think its unrealistic of her to expect and even a bit demand (from what you have said ) that you guys are friends. Personally, if it was me I wouldnt. Not because I am bitter or any of that but well friends are people that we keep close to our hearts, that we trust entirely, and that treat us well. Anyway, those are what MY friends are like.

 

Also, 9 months is just not very long. You are still healing. It takes what it takes, there is no time limit on this. I would skip the letter written directly to her and keep writing on here where you will get support. You can even have a thread of your own titled " Letters to X but not sent. " that is if you choose to share them with us. I have been finding this board enormously helpful and I can guarantee it is cutting my healing time down tons.

 

You can keep it short and cordial with her and just let her know that you simply arent at a place to be friends and that you wish her well. It doesnt matter what she thinks or what she wants. You are under no obligations to her, only to yourself. It may be in time you really want to be friends with her and then so be it. You also have some expectations around what you need from her in order to be friends. You may never get that.

 

It also may be that you do not want to stay friends with her at all. Let time take its course and reevaluate it when you are futher down the road.

 

To your own self be true!

[rapunzel]

hi tacs -

 

I totally empathize with what you are going through, having gone through a very similar situation. The only difference is that I did not personally know the other women that he dated very soon after breaking up with me. I'm still in a band with him, as you are (I think, based on your post) and it's still not without it's discomforts, even after 3 years. Yup, 3 years. I haven't met anyone else, he is currently single. We're not "friends", but we're cordial and we work together as musicians. That's about it. A couple of summers ago he approached me and expressed that he hoped we could be friends and made it clear he was not interested in reconciliation. I will admit that despite that conversation, I continued to hold onto that tiny sliver of hope, silly and ridiculous as that may sound. Hey, we're only human. A couple of times when he expressed how important it was to him that we remain "friends" I asked him how he felt when HIS ex wanted to be HIS friend. He admitted that he did not like it one bit, and did not want to be her "friend". So I think he finally "got it" and backed off - we weren't going to be "friends", we were going to be musical colleagues and that's about it. My decision to remain in the band was my own. It was three years ago. I do wonder if I had moved on to something else if I may have met someone else, and/or how my life would have been different but the fact is, I stayed. I have had some wonderful, amazing experiences and some very, very painful times. At this point, I realize he just isn't the right guy for me. If he was, he never would have left me twice. It still hurts and yeah, I'll admit it - I still find him attractive. But after three years, reality tells me it's ain't gonna happen. He ain't coming back and the only chance of that happening is if I disappear off the face of the earth.

 

I'm not sure how to support you except to say that I understand and empathize with your pain. It is infinitely worse when your ex takes up with a mutual friend. I remember how utterly awful I felt when he brought a woman to one our shows about 6 months after he broke up with me. He was on an online dating site within a month of breaking up with me. It didn't last but that doesn't matter. What matters is that three years later, I'm doing fine. Yeah, I'm single. I'd like to find someone but currently I'm just enjoying life, with it's up and downs, on my own. So hang in there, time does heal all wounds and it's easier when you don't have to see the person frequently. So it may take you longer than it would someone who has the luxury of No Contact. Trust that in time you *will* be fine and someday you'll look back at this time as a bittersweet memory.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Tac,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I now consider myself OVER my ex, but I don't believe I would be if I had remained seeing him. My ex also says he wants a friendship with me, but fact is, he hasn't been a friend to me for quite a long time. I'm selective about who I will allow in my life, and despite remaining polite towards him, I no longer want him in my life in any capacity.

 

I know that you don't want to leave your circle of musician friends, but frankly, I think you need to move away for a while to allow yoursel to heal and to open yourself to new experiences. Doesn't mean you may not go back to that group ofd friens a short time in the future, and you would likely have more creativity to bring back to that group. It's often hard to stip outside your comofrt zone, but I think you would benefit so much from moving away for a time - weeks or months.

[tacs1895]

Thanks guys, for all the good advice and support.

 

dabbledave - it's a good point, about finding the right way to communicate. I do need to have this conversation with her, and I have to be clear about what I want to say and how to say it (hence the letter writing exercise with my therapist), I certainly don't just want it to be a huge argument, but nonetheless there are things I do feel I need to say. It's just working about how best to do it.

 

Bluerose - thanks for the sensible and thoughtful ideas on friendship. It's helpful to point out that there's no obligation for me to be friends - although I do know that I would like it to be possible, particularly as we were close friends before the relationship. It's also helpful for you to make the point about there being no timeframe for it. Because even though I know I'd like it to be possible, I also know I can't do it now - the emotions are too strong, I've just found out she's with someone else, and there's the trust issue too. I've written in other threads about needing to be able to trust her, obviously that isn't there now, and she needs to earn it back if she wants friendship. It's also important to me to know that she really understands that, because at the moment I feel like she just doesn't get it. You're right that she's been a bit unrealistic to expect/demand friendship so soon, it's a source of frustration to me and I need to know that she realises it. The letter is an exercise with my therapist, I am going to do it so I can discuss it with him, and then it will help me know how to have that conversation with her (maybe I'll also post it up here too).

 

Rapunzel - thanks for your sympathy, I know from your posts that you've had a similar experience, and it helps to know that there is someone who can really appreciate what a dilemma and tension it causes to have to weigh up doing this passionate thing that we love, versus the pain caused by seeing the other person.

 

Silverbirch - thanks for the hugs! I take your point about needing to take some time out, and had already been considering it. I did initially take three months out from the group we do together. It was the right thing at that time, but it was also a wrench. I went back because I missed it so much - at the time I explained to my ex that I wasn't coming back because I was ready to see her, but just because I wanted to be there for the music. Hence my frustration that she didn't really seem to take that on board, and was a bit pressurising about being friendly. I'm glad I did it - there have been some important experiences for me since I've gone back, so I don't regret it, even though it's been hellish at times (see my thread about spending a whole week abroad with her in August!!). However I have recently begun considering taking some time out again, even before she emailed me this week. I'm going to do the performances up until December, because they're good things that I don't want to miss (also I have a responsibility to the group not to drop out now for those projects). Then I think I'll take December off, because there's nothing too amazing that I mind missing that much, and then I can have some space. And then I believe that at the start of next year she is going travelling for 2 months, so then I could go back to it while she's away. So potentially that could be three months of NC, which I do think would help me. Unfortunately, her going away is also a painful thing, because she's making a trip to Brazil which is what we had planned to do together, and hurts that she's now doing it without me. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be around the day she returns to rehearsals having just got back... But as I say, by then, maybe I can have had some space, and I can reevaluate where I'm at by then.

Also, regarding SB's point about new experiences, I have been doing things to make that happen. Most of all, I have just started studying on an arts therapy course, it is comfortably the most positive thing going on in my life now. It's a completely new learning experience, with completely new people, and has no ties or connections to do with my ex or anything else. So that's going to be a big part of my life for the next year, which is great.

 

Thanks again everyone. I know this is just a very low point in the overall upward arc of healing, so I'm trying to keep it in perspective. I'm resolved to definitely have this conversation with her, it won't be fun and may even set me back a bit briefly, but I will be able to get over it also. Part of my being stuck in this rut now is the thoughts which go around my head, that I feel frustrated she doesn't understand. I think I'd held back saying some things, because I didn't want to push her away in case we could get back together. Now that she's with someone else, it does set me free to say some of those things (once I find a constructive way to say them). If I don't say them, I will continue to torture myself by not having got it off my chest.

 

Even if it does set me back, I think it needs to happen, it might be that I need to take this one step back so that I can then go forward. I'm suddenly imagining an athlete preparing to do the long jump or triple jump..... when they do their run up, they don't just set off from standing, they lean back a couple of times so they can then propel themselves forward into their run up. I'm going to do this thing, take one step and lean back, then I can set off on my run up..... and then leap!

 

[tacs1895]

Just bumping my own thread... Did the letter exercise, wrote 4000 words Sent it to my therapist for his perusal....