Am I a horrible person?

[MattW]

Here's my situation. I'm a 22 year old guy, I still live at home with my parents, I'm a full time college student, with a part time job, making about minimum wage. The problem is, well... I'd like to be "normal", I'd like to have my own life, and everything. But, I feel shackled to my parents, because it seems like more and more, they're becoming increasingly reliant on me, financially, due to my dad's low-paying job. On top of my own expenses (college, cell phone, Internet, etc.), I'm also paying for their cell phones, their home phones, and a number of their other bills. Every other month, my mom seems to ask me to write a check for some bill that's gone unpaid. A while back, I gave them $600 for repairs on my dad's car, and at the time, they had promised to pay me back, but later on, it was decided that that wasn't possible.

 

Thing is, I don't mind helping them out, I really don't. But again, I feel shackled to them. In a couple of months, I'll be 23, and I don't have my own place, I don't even have a car. I have little to no social life, partially because I can't afford it, and partially because I'm a bit ashamed to be living at home and not having a car. It's been like this for almost four years, now... It's just draining. I don't want to be the guy that's in his 30s and 40s, and still lives with his parents, and stuff, yanno? But I already seem to be on that path, and I don't know how to break free.

 

I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I'm not. But it's hard to see my peers having their own apartments or houses, cars, and the freedom to live their lives. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel like my parents would pretty much fall apart without me there to help with the financial burden, and it just never seems to ease up.

 

I feel awful for even feeling this way (hence the topic title). But at this point, I don't even know what to do. I just feel so... frustrated.

[Stay_home]

I don't think that makes you a horrible person.

[quantumst8]

Why are your parents in such a bad situation?

[MattW]

Why are your parents in such a bad situation?

 

Well, my dad quit his job about 3-4 years ago because his boss was treating him pretty unfairly, and ever since then, he's had a hard time finding a solid job with medical benefits. He never went to college, and he pretty much had that job for 20-ish years, but it just got unbearable for him. I don't blame him for that, to be honest; I'd want to do the same thing in that situation. Right now, he's working at a place that doesn't pay very well, and has very little benefits, but that's pretty much all he can get. He's applied for jobs elsewhere, but never gets called back, he's tried to put his name up there for promotions at his current job, but he never gets them. I dunno...

 

Last week, my aunt passed away, and left me a pretty hefty inheritance. Already, my mom seems to be hinting around that I should use it to help them out, and stuff, but I was hoping to tuck it away, for my future. I still have a little hope that I might one day get married, buy a house, maybe start a family, and it'd be nice to have this inheritance put away for when that day comes, yanno?

[fromnywithlove]

Hi.

 

That is your inheritance to do with it what you and you alone see fit. Why not give your parents a little bit of it, and tell them you want to move out?

 

You can always be there for them but at some point, you're not their bank anymore. I know it's a delicate situation but it's an unfair burden to you.

[quantumst8]

That's a pretty crappy situation, no doubt about it. I'd do your best to put at least a significant portion of that inheritance money into some sort of investment that you can't easily cash in.

 

I'm not sure you have any good options here. If you want out, you may just have to be willing to leave and let the castle walls crumble. Either that or stay and be trapped. It's terrible to say, but those are really your only two choices. I wouldn't blame you for getting out, though, and I don't think you should be overcome with guilt over it. Squirrel away some $ secretly as best you can until you can leave and then tell them you're going and you'll send whatever financial assistance you can when you can. Once you have your own bills, they'll have to be content with "This is as much as I can spare right now". They definitely shouldn't make you feel guilty for that. If they're actually trying to make you feel guilty for not helping more, then that's really a toxic situation and I'd say don't have any love loss over getting out ASAP. Yep, they're your parents and you love them, but you can't be their crutch for life. And if I were a parent, I'd live in the basement of the Salvation Army before I put my kid in that situation...they should have the same attitude.

[wiseoldwoman]

Have you attempted to openly discuss the situation with your parents? If you have a relationship that allows that, it should be your first step.

 

Generally, when a 22 year old is living at home, it's to help him or her with finances, so your situation is unusual. You need to find a middle ground to avoid feeling like you let your parents down, but you can still spread your wings and begin your own life.

 

First, don't feel like a failure because you're still at home. Most college students are still living at home; most just live on campus during the schoolyear. Second, establish a reasonable amount to pay for room and board each month. A good way to do that is figure out what you'd likely be paying for rent if you were on your own -then use 1/2 or so of that as a reasonable rental amount. Then figure out about what your portion of groceries is and add that. If your parents do all the cooking and cleaning, I'd add some for those benefits. Then split the monthly utilities by the number of people living in the home and add that. If you use their vehicle, add some for the expenses - gas, maintenance, insurance - for that. Once you have that number calculated, pay that to your parents each month, with the clear understanding that it's all you'll be contributing. It will allow each of you to budget better. It might be one or both of your parents will have to get a second part time job to keep their heads above water. If so, it will be a shame, but it can't be on your shoulders.

 

You also need to let them know that when you're done with college - or at whatever point you decide it's appropriate to move out - that you'll be moving on and you need them to be prepared to go it alone with their expenses. If necessary, sit down with them to work out a budget to determine what they need and whether there's some way to cut expenses.

 

If you haven't been paying rent, keep in mind that your parents have maybe been asking for money from you as a way to get it without coming right out and tellin g you they want you to pay it. Your living in their home is costing them money, between extra utilities, food, etc., so if you haven't been paying rent, you need to consider that. Before people move out on their own, they fail to think about all the expenses involved in just living, and so don't realize how much they're costing those taking care of them. If that's been the case, you'd be doing yourself a big favor by getting a sense of those expenses before moving out on your own, and this is a good way to do it.

 

 

 

Your inheritance should have no effect whatever on how you handle this, other than in a dire emergency situation or if you make a voluntary decision to continue assisting them with a specific monthly dollar amount even after you move out, if you can afford it. It shouldn't be a matter of how much you can afford, but rather what are you getting and what is the value.

[RedDress]

I don't think you are a horrible person. But... do you pay rent?

 

The expenses that you have (College, cell phone, internet) would be the expenses that you have on your own and then some. You also contribute to the food expenses, the heating, gas and wear and tear on the car (if you ever use it), etc. Perhaps if you found a way to pay regular rent, it would feel less like you always have to "help out" and more like you are paying your way. It's still cheaper than being on your own. And your parents would need to rely on you less for handouts from time to time.

 

Honestly? I don't think it would be better on your own. College is the answer as to the way out. When you go, their expenses will also drop as a result and they may choose to move to a smaller place, rent out a room, not subscribe to cable, etc.

 

I think it's perfectly fair for them to ask for help if you are not paying rent. That doesn't necessarily mean your inheritance. Just... a regular amount from your pay each week to make up for the food that you eat, etc. Personally, I think that's fair for everyone.

[MattW]

It used to be that I could talk to them openly and freely (at least my mom, anyway). But now, everything is just a mess. My mom blames and resents my dad for the situation they're in (she's even having a secret emotional affair with an old boyfriend, though she doesn't know I know that), and I know that bugs him a bit. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about it, she just acts all upset and says that it "upsets her" to talk about this kind of thing. So, I often get nowhere.

 

As far as expenses and rent, around the time I finished high school, we talked and basically decided that, instead of paying a straight rent, I'd simply be responsible for paying the home phone bill, and also a certain percentage of their cell phone bill. As time went on, though, I ended up having to pay the entire cell phone bill, and a few others. It's just kind of built up. When it comes to other, "hidden" expenses, I do try to be mindful of that as much as I can. I try to use as little electricity and water as I can, I do all my cooking, I keep my own areas clean. Heck, while they do pay for groceries, I make a point to get as little as I can, to make sure I'm not costing them more money than I need to; I only really eat one meal a day (dinner), with a few light snacks here and there. So, I do try to be as mindful as I can about a lot of this stuff.

[wiseoldwoman]

The way it was set up from the beginning was the exact wrong way. That's the method that's most likely to create hard feelings on both sides. You'd do better to establish a flat monthly rent.

 

Sounds to me as though your home has become a bit toxic and maybe you're moving out will force your parents to deal with their own problems. It's understandable that your mom's upset with your dad, but at some point they have to work it out between them. Your being there might well be providing them with a crutch to avoid that. Since you're clearly not happy living at home any longer, you need to establish a firm date on which you plan on moving out, inform them, and then stick to it. Give them a couple months to adjust and figure out how they'll handle things, but don't let yourself get caught in this trap.

[kartmom67]

I agree with wiseoldwoman, you should establish a flat monthly fee. After you have paid your share of the monthly expenses, do not feel one bit guilty about not handing out any more. This should be the same as it would be with roomates. Establish firm boundaries and keep to them. Of course you love your parents, and this has nothing to do with that. I watched my sister go broke while my mom financially bled her dry. As parents, we raise our kids to be responsible people and our hope is that they will be able to go out in the world and do for themselves. It is never ok under any circumstances for a parent to hinder that. You seem like a responsible, hard working guy. It is not your job to take care of your parents. You do not owe them anything other than your share of the expenses if you are living there. But establish one flat rate and firmly stick to that only. Good luck to you

[mhowe]

You've done nothing wrong, but this isn't going anywhere good. With the money from your aunt, either your mom or your dad (whomevers' sister it was) is going to get resentful.....get an apartment on your own, or get a buddy to split one. Then you can start saving for a car.

 

That your dad is under employed is not your fault. That your mother is having an affair is not your fault. You living there is creating a buffer of $$, as well as distance in having to deal with their own problems.

 

For your own health and future, I would move out. You can still help them financially ,but not at the expense of your own future.

[MattW]

Forgive me if I start using this topic to "vent" from now on... It's getting hard to talk to my mom about anything anymore. Any time I even try to make casual conversation, it always comes back to our current money issues, she starts crying, and then says that I upset her, and that I'm going to make her sick and cause her to go back to the hospital. It's just so frustrating... On top of that, she's guilting me into giving them 1/4 of my inheritance, and I don't see any other way around that, at this point. *sigh*

 

It's so hard to tell what's real and what's not with my mom, though. As I've come to learn, she's VERY good at manipulating people, and while we've always been so close that I never suspected she'd do it to me, I can't help but wonder if this is partly an act, and that she's trying to use me as much as she can for money.

 

This is the most I've ever wished I no longer lived at home, but I just can't bring myself to even think about separating from them, because what if she's not manipulating me? I don't want to see them lose everything, but I also don't want to waste my life and my future income doing everything for my parents, and never building a life of my own...

 

I was always so worried that I'd end up like my parents, never enough money to get by, no money to ever buy a house, get married, have a family, etc., especially since I still haven't completed college and still have no idea what kind of career I want to pursue. When I got my inheritance from my aunt, though, I was so happy, because it was enough that I didn't have to worry about any of these things anymore. I initially agreed to give my mom and dad a certain amount of my inheritance, but now they've doubled what they want from it, and my mom is heavily hinting that I should use it to pay off our house completely, which seems like a waste, to me, because I don't particularly want to live in this house forever... Little by little, my inheritance (which signified a "light at the end of the tunnel" for me) is slipping away, and I'll end up right back where I started.

 

I just don't know what to do. My mom already has a horrible relationship with her daughter from a previous marriage, and right now, I basically have to walk on egg shells around her. She doesn't even have any clue that I want to move out, because I just know it'd start a huge fight about how I'm "selfish" and "refuse to help the family", and stuff, and then she'd probably get herself sick and blame me for it.

[fromnywithlove]

Your inheritance money is just that... yours.

 

Do NOT give them any more than you've already agreed to. I cannot stress this enough. Their life and their lack of money savvy is their own issue, not yours. Yes, they are your parents and yes, you want to help them. But at a certain point, as parents they need to realize that they are not giving their child (you) the tools he needs to ensure his own life ends up on the correct path. As parents, they should realize they are hurting and hindering you. Stay firm.

[wiseoldwoman]

I'll vary fromnywithlove's advice a little - don't give them any of your inheritance, even if you've said you would. From you latter post, it's clear your mother is manipulating you and using you. You need to get away. I'm going to say that again. You need to get away. Remember, once you're away from there, you don't have to listen to the blaming. You can condition your coming to see them on not having to listen to it and if she starts up, you can get up and leave. You need to do this. Once you're out of there, you're going to start realizing how dysfunctional it's been and be so glad you're out. I promise you. It's a toxic environment and if you stay much longer, you risk never getting out. Don't let her fight about it - don't tell her you're going. Find a place to move to, make the arrangements, pack up your stuff when they're not there, and move it to your new place. Then go back home and wait for them to come home. When they do, sit them down and tell them you've made the decision that you have to move on with your life. You can not be guilted or talked out of it - it's already done. You're willing to discuss with them how to make this as easy as possible for them, but if it can't be discussed pleasantly, then you're out the door. And stick to that.

 

If it will ease your guilt - give them some some amount each month for a set period of time - definitely not a lump sum of your inheritance. Giving them a set amount will enable them to budget it and if there's hope of getting out from under their circumstances, some breathing room. But there's clearly a good reason this money was left to you by your aunt rather than the parent who was her sibling. She made that choice. It was her money and she had the right to decide who to give it to. She choose you. That means she wanted you to have it, not your parents. I'll state that again. She wanted you to have it, not your parents. By giving them a portion of it, you're defying her desires. People don't bypass their sibling without a very good reason. You do NOT owe this to them. If you give them a portion, it will all be used up by them soon, and neither they nor you will be any better off.

 

I'll say it one more time. Get out of there and do not give them any share of your inheritance. I sincerely hope you take this advice. Your expansion of the situation told me much more about it than did your original post. You are in a toxic environment.

[MattW]

That sounds great, but I don't know that it'd be that easy. First of all, I have no means with which to go looking for a place of my own. I have no close friends that I could move in with (or help me move), I do not want to live with a stranger, and while I'd be fine living on my own, I don't know that I could keep up with the rent with my terrible pay (and I don't want to dip into my inheritance to pay rent, as I don't know when or if I'll be able to recoup that, via a better, higher paying job). Perhaps it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just don't see how I could make it work.

[Mesemene]

You're in college - talk to your advisor and see if he can direct you to some places to start looking.

 

I'm going to ask you some questions that may seem unfeeling to your parents, but sometimes it takes tough love.

 

Does your mom work? If not, why not? And if not, why does she need both a home AND cell phone?

 

Your dad is underemployed - so why does HE need a cell phone? If it's not for work, no matter that they're "a part of life" for most people, take it from someone who hasn't had one in three years, they're QUITE dispensable, and at $50 bucks a month or so apiece (often more), a nice savings when they're a "frill" or luxury item.

 

If you DO end up having to stay, I'd renegotiate terms. Pay 1/4 of the utilities, a fair amount of rent for one room (look up what's the going rate for just a room in your area), and get your own groceries and internet/your own cell phone. Anything else, sorry, they can figure it out. At 22, they've had adequate time since you graduated high school to take measures to either live more within their means, or figure out ways to improve them. It's not all on your dad.

 

As for your inheritance, if you feel you're trapped into giving the agreed on 1/4, ok. But tuck the rest away asap, and don't back down on it. It could be your home down payment one day, or your cost for specialized exams for certifications for your career, and they don't have the right to take that from you.

[Cal Lily]

Hi Matt. I am curious, What is your plan? There is not one successful person in history who didn't have a plan....and most of them had great support systems from family and friends.

 

You aren't horrible, just simply negative, and maybe a little misinformed. You create with negativity AND positivity. So use positive imagery: meditate on money, car, home....but also draw out an immediate and long term PLAN.

 

Your parents are supporting your plan; THEY are helping YOU out. They are a blessing in your life. (My dad is dead, and my mom is abusive) So take advantage of it.

 

And don't knock people who live with their parents. That discrimination is caused by egotistical Americans. In other states, successful people TAKE CARE of their parents.

 

Draw your plan up (you can make revisions whenever you want)....and I bet the frustration, bad feelings, and awfulness will subside. Good luck.

[MattW]

Does your mom work? If not, why not? And if not, why does she need both a home AND cell phone?

 

Your dad is underemployed - so why does HE need a cell phone? If it's not for work, no matter that they're "a part of life" for most people, take it from someone who hasn't had one in three years, they're QUITE dispensable, and at $50 bucks a month or so apiece (often more), a nice savings when they're a "frill" or luxury item.

 

My mom doesn't work, no. She hasn't for at least as long as I've been alive. Not... 100% sure why not, although she's old (in her 60s), has been out of work for a very very long time (I think she's been a "stay at home" mom since she had her daughter over 30 years ago), and whatnot. Every now and then, she's put in a few applications for Wal-Mart or a craft store, but never heard anything back or anything. As far as the cell phones, well, we had them when my dad had his better job, and I suppose we just got accustomed to them. They just allow us to better get in contact with each other and with other family members.

 

Hi Matt. I am curious, What is your plan? There is not one successful person in history who didn't have a plan....and most of them had great support systems from family and friends.

 

You aren't horrible, just simply negative, and maybe a little misinformed. You create with negativity AND positivity. So use positive imagery: meditate on money, car, home....but also draw out an immediate and long term PLAN.

 

Your parents are supporting your plan; THEY are helping YOU out. They are a blessing in your life. (My dad is dead, and my mom is abusive) So take advantage of it.

 

And don't knock people who live with their parents. That discrimination is caused by egotistical Americans. In other states, successful people TAKE CARE of their parents.

 

Draw your plan up (you can make revisions whenever you want)....and I bet the frustration, bad feelings, and awfulness will subside. Good luck.

 

Honestly? I have no clue. Back when I was in my teens, my "dream" future was fairly simple. I hoped that by my mid-20s, I'd be done with college, starting to enter the full time work place with decent pay, be out on my own, have a healthy social life; by my early to mid-30s, I hoped to be married, and maybe starting a family. But pretty much all of that's been derailed. I'm still years away from a degree, because I can't figure out what the heck I want to do; I'm not good at anything in particular, and I have no real interests or "passions" that could lead to a successful career. So many of my peers are better off than me in one way or another (whether it be that they've completed college, have better jobs, have more independence than I do, have a better social life than I do, etc.). I feel like all my life, I'm always so far off behind everyone else, and I'm tired of it, but I just don't know how to "catch up". If I can't find a "passion" or at least something I excel at, I can't get a degree, and if I don't get a degree, I'll never have a good job, and if I never have a good job, I'll never have any of the other things I want in life.

 

The fact that I feel like such a failure for not knowing what I want to do with my life is bad enough. How can I not be embarrassed about my current situation? People I've known since grade school and high school are now done with college, they have real careers starting, they have lives of their own. I hate that I'm still living at home, with a part time job that's just not good enough, aimlessly taking classes in college, no real future, nothing. The sad thing is, I was always one of the smarter ones, back when I was in school. Faculty, and even my classmates, all recognized that I was smart and that I could be really successful at something some day, but as it turns out, I'm not, and I can't.

[MattW]

Ugh. So a couple of weeks ago, my mom "borrowed" $300 from me because they had "no money at all" in the bank, but she gave me something of hers to sell on eBay, and said I could keep $300 from whatever it sold for; it sold for $420, so I gave her back $120. Then she made me pay two other bills that totaled for about $150. Today, she gave me two of their credit card bills that are due in a couple days that they apparently can't pay, which also totals $150; she also wants to "borrow" another $150 for a mortgage payment.

 

Not to mention, I haven't yet made it clear that I only intend to give them the original amount of my inheritance that I agreed to, rather than the doubled amount they want; I'm stressing out about that, because I know once I get that money and I tell her about it, it's going to cause a huge blow up.

 

I'm just so sick of this. Not to sound alarming, but I feel like I'm close to becoming suicidal, because I'm sick of this life already. It's just too stressful. I have my own things going on, and on top of that, I have to be paying all my parent's bills.

[Mesemene]

See if you can make an appointment with your college counselor if there's one - or if you have health insurance, see about getting some counseling independently.

 

Also - maybe try making a list of what the basic expenses would be if you lived in a studio apt - rent, utilities, food - and see what it comes to. Make a list of what you've paid into the household this month. See if the two are widely apart, or if they're actually somewhat close in amount. It doesn't solve things, but it might make you feel a little better about the amount you have going into the household if you know it's about the same as it would be or less, and feel like you have a bit more control over the situation.

 

And since you have a vested interest in the overall running financially of the household - see if your family would be willing to go to a financial planning/budget planning session, or see about trying one of the software programs for it. You can't stay home forever, and if your parents have any spending habits that are driving their expenses up - it'll help everyone to see where those are and fix them.