mummy Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Hello, im wondering if anybody can offer me some sound advice. Im currently 9 weeks pregnant and also have an 8 month old. Since finding out I was pregnant with my second my husband has been withdrawn. He has said to me this week he doesnt want another baby and is not sure he loves me anymore. We have only been married 16 months but been together for 10 years. My husband has never denied finding our first child hard work but he is a good father. My first was born in january and my husband started a new job at the same time, there is a girl who works there who has always given him attention and given him expensive birthday present. I got upset about this at the time but he says it was from everyone in work, i had no reason not to believe him as he told me about it. I have however found hes deleted texts off her in the past (yes i snooped into his phone) he admitted doing it but said nothing was on them just he didnt want to upset me! A fool again! this week however things have really taken a turn for the worse, he said hes not sure he loves me and not sure if he has feelings for this other girl. He has told her hes not happy and that im pregnant (he hasnt told some of our closest friends and family yet!) he has not asked me to have an abortion. I feel so alone we have had a loving relationship and nothing like this has happened before. He went out with work last night and the girl was there he came home drunk and angry, i checked his phone and texts were deleted again but he sent one in the house to her saying she was perfect!! He still denies anything happening between them. we are 27 and i believe this girl is only about 21 (the best person for sounds relationship advice). He always made me feel sorry for her as she has ovarian cancer and my friends say its because my husband is a nice man and it doesnt mean anything with her! I told my parents he didnt want another baby this week they immediately said what have you done!! I feel so alone, my husband comes accross as the perfect man and i know people will be shocked. I feel like im begging him to forgive me but ive done nothing wrong!! Im by no means perfect of course, my husband wud rather me be tidyier some days its hard chasing an 8 month old im by no means a hoarder but i can easily leave the washing up overnight etc. Ive said id try harder but tonight he really said hes not sure anymore, he wont talk to me every answer is i dunno! I just cont cope with the thought im going to be on my own i never saw this comng i thought my life was set out before me. Also the second pregnancy was planned as well as the first when i said to him about this he just said he thought i wouldnt get pregnant?! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I'm so sorry you are going through this at this time. IMO, he's gotten caught up with the younger woman (who make no mistake, I'm more than sure he's sleeping with) and he really didn't expect you to get pregnant or get pregnant again this fast and now that you are, realizes he has very little time to get out of this relationship wihtout looking like a jerk. Link to comment
meoww Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I really feel for you but you need to get away from this man immediately and clear your head. He is not healthy for you in so many ways, no wonder you feel so alone. Link to comment
Mauxly Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Oh no! You don't deserve this. Stop trying to please him, focus on yourself and your child. Become more independent. The 'friendship' he's having with his coworker isn't right. He's self sabotaging. Maybe he's afraid of all of the responsibility and commitment. However, he needs to work this out. If he can't you'll have to move on...no matter how difficult. If I were you, I'd express my concern and then simply focus on taking care of myself. There isn't anything you can do to prevent GIGs in your partner. Trying to save the relationship by being possessive or overly placating drives them further away. He's not thinking rationally. So there isn't a rational solution. All you can do is protect yourself and your children as much as possible. The best way to do this is your own strength and independence. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The fact that she's 21 doesn't mean anything. The fact she's a home wrecker (potentially), does. shame on her for buying a married man gifts and flirting, but shame on your husband more. You are the mother of his children, you deserve the utmost respect and honesty. Even though I say that, I'm sorry but I have to ask. Have you been putting more pressure on him since your baby was born? Maybe comments like "you're not helping enough"? Can you think of anything you've done that may have made him more distant? It probably has to do with the fact you two have been together since you were 17, and he feels he was never able to enjoy to experience his youth. And now a second child is on the way, which puts even more pressure on him. I don't agree with his actions, but he WAS honest about his feelings. Honesty is a start, even if he may be lying about texting that girl. If he wants to work on your relationship, I suggest joint therapy. I'm really sorry you are going through this, but all you can do at this point is communicate and try to figure out exactly what went wrong and why he is feeling this way, and how to fix the situation. Also... Snooping probably makes him feel a bit suffocated. Link to comment
mummy Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Having a baby is a strain, i probably have asked him to help out more, he rarely gets off his own back to do something i have to ask him, and when confronting him he says if u want me to do something just ask. I do feel i nag alot! I know i shouldnt go through his phone but i was having serious doubts and i found something which he denied taking place. I havent checked his phone in a long time and when i dropped him off tonight he said, which he has said in the past before, he would never delete texts again because he wouldnt want the argument again. When he came home being angry i new something wasnt right and thats when all texts has been deleted and the recent one still there. when he initially came in i asked if he had been to a club making small talk and he said no. on his phone he text one of the work men saying he was in the club cos he had text him asking him where he was! i just feel vulnerable and scared to do it alone, we have a holiday booked next week going with my parents, my parents had already offered for us to go on our own but tonight he says he doesnt know about going. Im just scared i leave him alone who he may bring to our marital home. I dont believe hes cheated on me but then again i really didnt think he had such a close relationship with this girl telling her his problems. I dont think i could cope thinking of him with another women. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I have to ask - did you and your husband not discuss you getting pregnant at all? You didn't get that way alone. I don't know if you have beliefs that disallow contraceptives, but how you got pregnant is no mystery, and he does share the responsibility with you there. I have to ask this - when your husband got the birthday present, did you assume it was from this girl, or had he already given you reason to believe he wasn't being straight with you about her? It does sound like he's at least "emotionally cheating" going outside your marriage for his emotional needs, and that's definitely not good. I don't agree with his actions, but he WAS honest about his feelings. Honesty is a start, even if he may be lying about texting that girl. If he wants to work on your relationship, I suggest joint therapy. I'm really sorry you are going through this, but all you can do at this point is communicate and try to figure out exactly what went wrong and why he is feeling this way, and how to fix the situation. And agree here. You need to talk to each other as calmly as possible and see if there's anything that you feel you can do to salvage and rebuild your relationship. Pressuring will only have the opposite effect of what you want - so appeal to his side that might listen to calm reason - "We aren't doing so well as a couple right now - and I think we should talk and decide together what we want to do about it." Link to comment
mummy Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 We have tried talking my parents have had our son for us to talk and we spent a night alone because he wanted space. when i try to ask him about his feelings he just says i dont know which is frustrating for me, i havent raised my voice over it. She text him saying ive got u a birthday present he told me at the time but he said it was from everyone in work after, it was aftershave not a normal colleague gift i dont believe and it wasnt a special birthday, nobody else gets birthday presents! Link to comment
mummy Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 the baby was planned we were trying! after i found out i was pregnant he said he didnt want another baby yet, i had no reason not to believe him before! Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Sweetheart I'm sorry you have to go through all this. First of all, I HATE his attitude. If you want something, ask? I think you need to have a serious, calm discussion and say it really hurts your feelings that he doesn't take any initiative. It makes you feel like a nagging wife which makes you feel awful and guilty, and so you would appreciate it if he could help out without you prodding at him. Also, don't feel bad about snooping. I'm sorry, I made the assumption you were an every day, without cause snooper. What you did was warranted, and its crappy of him to lie and hide things from you. I know it's hard to imagine your loved one is cheating, but in this case cheating may be imminent if you do not sit down and hash things out together. I'm going to throw out there, I disagree with some people, I believe a ten year relationship should NOT be thrown away immediately, without a fight. I believe ALL relationships have amazing highs and, sometimes, awful lows. You took a vow to work through thick and thin, so both you and your husband should honor that by trying the best you can at working through this. Say those words to him, if need be. I really hope things work out for you. It's awful to have to be in such a heartbreaking situation. Link to comment
somethingNew Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I feel like im begging him to forgive me but ive done nothing wrong!! This statement screams abuse. You give birth to his child, and pregnant with another. YOU NEVER BEG... you are the mother. If you are begging for a man, you will beg forever. You making your own money is the only healthy option. IMO cut him off... legally if need be. He's practically a pedophile. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 the baby was planned we were trying! after i found out i was pregnant he said he didnt want another baby yet, i had no reason not to believe him before! That's just crappy. I agree with Between though, for the sake of both children, see what you can do, see if he's open to going to a marriage counselor with you. It may not help - but at least it might give you better communication between you to come to some sort of understanding of what's going on. And it sure can't hurt. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 This statement screams abuse. You give birth to his child, and pregnant with another. YOU NEVER BEG... you are the mother. If you are begging for a man, you will beg forever. You making your own money is the only healthy option. IMO cut him off... legally if need be. He's practically a pedophile. He's a pedophile for talking to a woman six years younger than him? So I guess that makes my husband a pedophile, too? He may be emotionally abusive and emotionally cheating, but that's not equal to wanting to have sex with children. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 This statement screams abuse. You give birth to his child, and pregnant with another. YOU NEVER BEG... you are the mother. If you are begging for a man, you will beg forever. You making your own money is the only healthy option. IMO cut him off... legally if need be. He's practically a pedophile. I think you need to look up the definition to that word before using it... Link to comment
somethingNew Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 He's a pedophile for talking to a woman six years younger than him? So I guess that makes my husband a pedophile, too? He may be emotionally abusive and emotionally cheating, but that's not equal to wanting to have sex with children. We all have our own boundaries... 21 and 27... is like... rather abusive, imo. A six year age difference is cool... but we really aren't adults until 30-plus. Men need to stop dating children. Link to comment
Mauxly Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You don't need a black eye for it to be abuse. He is with a woman... pregnant.... with one already born and one growing. Him not loving her is abuse... him cheating on her is beyond abuse. What little house of the prairie are you women living in? I'm as anti infidelity as you can get. But I take issue with your statement. Him not loving her is not abuse. It's human. Crappy, heartbreaking, often delusional, but not abuse. Cheating? Yes. Abuse. Emotional abuse and terrible. But you can't call abuse just because something isn't going your way. People fall out of love. People often mistake infatuation with love. Hell, most people don't even know what love is and make horrible mistakes in the name of it. But being foolish isn't abuse. Abuse is physical or mental harm caused by intentional deception, manipulation etc... Link to comment
DN Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Moderator Note: please stop arguing and just post to help the OP. Thanks. Link to comment
Betweenthebars Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 We all have our own boundaries... 21 and 27... is like... rather abusive, imo. A six year age difference is cool... but we really aren't adults until 30-plus. Men need to stop dating children. OP, I hope you get this figured out soon. I really do. Remember that the longer it takes you two to discuss this, the longer it will be that you are hurt, upset, lonely. Next time he says "I don't know" when trying to have a serious discussion, let him know that is upsetting. Tell him sometimes brutal honesty hurts, but no honesty hurts more. Ask him if it's just the stress of being a new father, or if it's about the new woman. Try to get him to communicate, ask as many questions as necessary, but make sure you sound calm and rational... Otherwise, he may feel it is an interrogation and he may shut down even more. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If he can't be faithful with one baby there and another on the way, he'll never be faithful. I don't think the timing is a coincidence. He's about to inherit more responsibility, and he's chasing a younger woman. This is his way of attempting to get out of his current situation. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.