Is this a common source of conflict in all relationships?

[gluestick]

I read something interesting in a thread and wanted to invite contributors to offer their opinions on this matter. I'm not sure if a lot of couples (dating or married) do this in their relationships where if one party goes out or is busy, he/she texts or lets the other person know where they're going, who they're going out with, and/or other details.

 

When I was in my 4 year relationship with my ex-bf, I know he's the type of person who would never cheat or flirt with other girls if he's already involved with someone. He's kind of nerdy and doesn't have close friends that are girls. He mainly hangs out with his close guy friends and his family. I trust him completely because he's the type of person where if I don't see him for a day and I call him at night asking what he's doing, he would give me a break down of what he did from the moment he woke up to heading off to bed. Not that I ever expect anyone to do that, but I find it's a nice added bonus in our relationship. I do have a friend who broke up with her ex-bf over the same issue, but I think he was wayyy too possessive and controlling. Even when she tells him who and when/where she's going, he would constantly call to check what she's doing every 15 minutes. That's not healthy at all.

 

What do you think of this and how does it relate in your relationships? Personally I find so many threads about people in long term relationships or committed relationships only to find out they've been cheated on or been left for someone else. I don't ever want to find myself in those situations, although that's not something I can control. I prioritize faithfulness in my relationships and expect my future partner to be the same. I respect and admire a man who openly provides information on where he's going, who he hangs out with, and what he's been up to. It shows they are committed and dedicated to the relationship and are making a great effort. I would, of course, happily do the same in return. However, I don't expect to keep tabs on them every hour of the day. That's unnecessary and unhealthy.

 

How do you find a balance between sharing information and maintaining personal space?

[rosephase]

I kind of look at it differently. My partners (I'm in a polyamorus relationship) share with me where they are going and what they are doing because they want me to know what is going on in there lives. We trust each other and we check in when plans change so no one worries but mostly we test/call/e-mail our plans because it's we care about each other and are interested in what we are doing. That is how I like it to feel.

 

There are times that if one partner is feeling less secure they can ask for more communication then average. Like if my boyfriend is going on a date with someone new and I'm feel strange about it I might ask that he make sure to keep an eye on his phone so if I text him he'll know and respond. Or I could ask that he give me updates every hour or so. When I do something like that I know I'm asking for help with my own insecurities and when my partner agrees to something like this it is understood that I will be working on getting over my insecrities so that this isn't the way things need to be forever.

[lukeb]

You can't really answer a question like that except to say that it depends on the person you're with and the relationship that you have. If you don't find that balance, then you are in trouble. Being in a long term relationship is a journey through life, and you both need to grow and change in the same way. This balance that you are talking about is really fluid it changes as you go through life.

[Mesemene]

I've always felt communication on plans that don't include your partner should be done out of a desire to share your life and respect/courtesy, not out of obligation or "if I don't know I can't trust you." For me, at least, if it was because I felt like I had to, it would wear very thin very quickly. I'd feel like I was back in high school with my parents voice in my ear, "call when you get there and let me talk to his parents!"

 

Now, on the other hand, if a long drive, a flight, or something of that nature is involved, I can understand and respect "call me when you get there so I know you arrived safely." So I suppose to me, it's all about the intention and emotion involved in it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with Mesemene. I don't ever say 'I'm going to x' or 'I'm with x' because I feel my partner wants or needs to know, I tell him because I see it as respectful.

[Lithp]

Same - I usually will text my boyfriend when I'm out without him just out of respect, and he does the same for me. Although, I mostly prefer he doesn't because usually when he's not with me and is with his guy friends, they're drinking beer and I hate getting texts from someone who's been drinking But it's nice to know he's showing me the same respect even if he's having a few beers with the guys.

 

I know my boyfriend struggles with insecurities though, so I want him to know that I'm thinking about him when I'm not with him - it's important to him and I don't mind doing it in the slightest. But I can see what you're saying and it's something I've never really considered being a 'thing' in relationships, but I imagine it would be. I know there have been times when I've been out and I've taken a little long to answer him, and the next time I look at my phone I have like, 7 new texts and a missed call and he's quite irritated with me. I've gotten used to this though and I just try to make sure I let him know how my night's going.

[LeoB]

In my relationship, we give each other a lot of free reign. Since we almost never text, it would be strange to call to say one of us is going out. With that said, I know his routine and we have shared Google calendars. For the most part, I can guess where he is. And when we get together, usually he'll tell me what he's doing. So the answer is no, we never give notice about spontaneous outings or even some planned outings. But we really don't have a need to. It's a refreshing change from past relationships where there was much more checking in.