How do you know if it's over?

[My Lost Ulalume]

As of yesterday, my boyfriend and I decided that it would be a good idea if we "took a week off" so I can decide whether or not I want to break up.

 

We've been together for 2 years, and we're very young-- both of our first serious relationships, right off the bat after moving out of our family's houses (I was 17 when we started dating and am 19 now-- he's not much older).

 

Lately I've been feeling like I need time to be alone and "grow up" a little. I find myself getting very fed up with him frequently, and at the slightest provocation. I am exhausted all the time, and exceedingly so when I'm around him. I can be really mean and condescending sometimes, usually before I notice I'm doing it. I think he deserves to be with someone who will treat him better. Also, I don't enjoy sex like I used to, and haven't for maybe 9 months. It just seems like a chore and more trouble than it's worth-- usually I don't want to, but frequently I do anyway because I feel bad saying no to him all the time and I know it makes him feel bad about himself when I never want to. I try to muster the enthusiasm but sometimes I just can't.

 

However, I'm still very much in love with him, and he doesn't want to break up, although he says that he wants me to be happy and will accept my decision. I also am not sure I'm ready to give up on it yet, but I'm just so exhausted from trying. People tell me I'm very beautiful and I know I would enjoy being single, but I find it unbearable to think about being with someone else-- especially sleeping with or saying "I love you" to someone else, because I would feel like I am betraying our relationship (whether or not it was over). I know I'm young, but I thought for a long time that I would marry him, and I don't know if I'm ready to let go of that fantasy yet (if it is, indeed, a fantasy).

 

I am really confused and don't know where I stand at all. Let me clarify that he is a wonderful boyfriend, he cares about me a lot and it would really crush him if we broke up-- but I can't help from feeling that he just doesn't really "get" me. I know that he wants to and wishes he could.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me-- I really need it!

[kauaiangirl83]

I think that the week off is a good idea, you need to figure out what you want. You need to understand your reasoning if you really do want to be single again or if you want to continue with this relationship.

 

Don't stay with him because you feel bad if you break up with him. you'll only hurt him and yourself more. I did this with my ex bf because i felt bad for him and he told me that if I ever left him that he would kill himself. I was terrified and not happy at all and finally it was too much for me. I decided to leave him and I told him that it wasn't him at all, I just wasn't happy. He didn't kill himself, he got over it.

 

I haven't talked to him since we broke up which is fine with me. it's probably better this way. I hope that this helps at least a little.

[BeenCheated]

It's okay to break up even if you still love each other. You can't help it if it wasn't meant to be. End it nicely before you drag it out and become enemies.

[OceanEyes]

The way things have been going for you in your relationship for the past 9 months reminds me of how my serious relationships have ended.

 

This week off that you've decided to take should probably be extended to a longer period if you ask me. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can remain in a comitted relationship with them - once sex becomes irritating and boring and you become very frustrated by everything your boyfriend does - it's time to step back. Like BeenCheated says, take a time-out before things get ugly and you end up becoming bitter towards each other.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that if you find yourself getting angry with your boyfriend for silly reasons, for example coughing during a movie or leaving socks on the floor, it's a pretty good indication (especially at 19) that you're growing out of the relationship. Frustration with him will only get worse, and the sex won't improve if you've started to feel like you're not as attracted to him anymore. This could change, but it didn't with any of my relationships. No attraction for sex and easily frustrated = the beginning of the end.

 

At least if you can find some way to end things now, you can escape while you still respect and care for one another. You've probably shared a lot with this guy, and down the road, you're going to want to be friends with him. But I can tell you, dragging things on the way they're going will result in a lot more pain than if you get out now.