Seeing my ex

[tacs1895]

It's an interesting question that I've been wondering about in regard to my own situation. I have to see my ex on a fairly regular basis, and I find it really hard. I hope that maybe there may be a chance for reconciliation some day in the future but I know it's not happening now, so I'm trying to get on with my life and looking forward. The thing is I find it very hard being around her because of basically never really having had a proper explanation of her side of things. Her behaviour since the breakup has basically to act as if everything is fine, gloss over all the painful stuff and just act very friendly and light-hearted towards me. I can't really reciprocate that, from my own side it would be just overly faking it and essentially not being honest. So the only way I manage to cope with the situation is basically to say hello and goodbye politely, but then essentially ignore her the rest of the time. Not in order to make her feel bad or anything like that, just because it's the least painful option for me. But I do wonder whether this could potentially harm any chances of reconciliation down the line if she ends up being pissed off or offended by my behaviour. I would hope and have to believe she knows me well enough to know that I'm not being like this because of any petty or immature attitude. It's not how I'd like to be, but for my own sake in the immediate present it seems my only real option; I just hope it's not damaging to anything that might happen in the future.

[tacs1895]

Bump - to see if anyone might respond to my previous post just above, and to add an update which is relevant to this thing about 'ignoring' the ex.

 

I see my ex regularly and the situation is basically that I'll politely say hello and/or goodbye, but nothing else basically. We spend several hours around each other with a bunch of other people too in the initimate situation of rehearsing and performing music (we're both musicians).

 

Yesterday, at our last rehearsal, I was talking to a friend when I noticed accross the room that my ex was crying and being comforted by a friend. Not sobbing uncontrollably, but definitely tearful. She also ducked out of the rehearsal at one point to go the toilet and had obviously been crying.

 

I feel weird having seen her like that. And curious to know why it was, although I obviously didn't ask. As you can imagine from my post above, I wonder if it was anything to do with my behaviour around her. Which as I've explained, is not do with wanting to make her feel bad in any way, but is just for my own protection.

 

I don't like the thought of causing her distress by my behaviour, that's not to say that I should behave in any certain way just for her benefit, but nonetheless I have no desire to upset her. There is still a small part of me that wonders whether if she is upset by my behaviour, that it might be an inkling of some chance of her missing me or realising she wants to get back together, but I know this is just inside my head and I'd be stupid to seriously read anything like that into it. And of course, I'm well aware that in reality I have absolutely no idea what it was about, it could be absolutely anything. It could be that she's been seeing someone else and they've split up for all I know, in which case I don't want to hear anything about it. It could be something more serious, for example someone in her family is ill or something like that, if I knew it was something like that then I would have no doubts about breaking my silence to briefly offer some sympathy. Who knows? Basically I have no idea, all I know is that I saw her crying and it felt funny.

 

If it is do with me, then in a sense nothing's changed, it still wouldn't be wise for me to initiate any conversation, she knows I'm opening to discussing things if she wants to but up til now she hasn't shown any inclination like that. If it's something serious, then I wouldn't want to just 'ignore' her for the sake of it, some things are more important than that. Whatever. It's all speculation. I could try asking a mutual friend if he could explain what's going on. But I'm not sure that would be sensible really. I think I know that in reality the only thing I can or should do is still nothing. Nonetheless, I do feel uneasy about it.

[Live-N-Learn]

tacs, you should start your own thread if you want responses. Not good to highjack others

[dabbledave]

tacs, you should start your own thread if you want responses. Not good to highjack others

 

Agree with you, LnL, that tacs will get more responses in a brand new thread. To be fair to tacs, however, his issue is right on topic for this thread.

 

tacs, you do whatever ignoring you need to until you're strong enough to engage her in conversation.

 

You could ask a mutual friend what your ex's issue is. Then depending on how serious it is, you may decide to offer your support as a friend. But what if you find out that her crying was over some other guy?

 

If you hold out hope for reconciliation with your ex, then it might be important while you are ignoring her to project confidence. Women love confidence in guys; or so I've heard!

 

But better than faking it until you make it is proactively transforming negative thoughts that make you feel bad into positive thoughts than make you feel good. Genuine confidence will naturally follow.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[tacs1895]

Oops, apologies. Thought I'd post here because of it relating to the subject of ignoring the ex. The thread had been quiet for a while and I'd remembered it as having been a bit more of a general discussion, but looking back now I realised I did hijack someone else's questions a bit. Fair point, LnL. Thanks DD also.

[tacs1895]

But better than faking it until you make it is proactively transforming negative thoughts that make you feel bad into positive thoughts than make you feel good. Genuine confidence will naturally follow.

 

DD

 

Yes, this is a great point, you've put into words what I know I feel I want to do and believe is the way forward. Negativity is no use to anyone. Thanks.

[DN]

Moderator Note: moved to new thread.

[Live-N-Learn]

It is not easy to be around an ex and fake how you really feel. Try to accept the situation the best you can and be as upbeat as you can when you see her. Like dabbledave said, confidence is a real turn on and will make you mysterious to her. If she sees you down and depressed she will know you are still struggling, that she has you and it is not attractive. Do your best my friend, it's not easy at all!

 

As for why she is crying, who knows. I had an ex crying like that and found out it was about the guy she dumped me for. I guess they were having issues. Don't ask anyone. You don't want to find anything out anything that is going to cause you more pain. Better not to know.

[Good Arms]

Don't feel ashamed about how you're projecting yourself. You're doing great just keeping things to a simple "hello" or "goodbye", it's the most mature approach you can take. She won't think badly of you for not coming accross as happy and carefree, unless she's completely insensitive.

 

I was doing the friendly hello thing at first when I reluctantly ran into her (I work in the same building as my ex - my first everything - and for about the last 6 months, very close by). I wish I still could, but I've resorted to just turning away at those moments now. I no longer care what she thinks of me, I'm already nothing to her, I have no hopes of reconciliation, and I don't want to give her the impression that I'm OK with her being around. It hurts like hell, and I'm frustrated that she won't make efforts to avoid walking right past me, when I do everything to avoid her. I wish she could see it from the dumpee's perspective. It's a big building and there are several routes she could take.

 

You really don't want to engage her in conversation if she's going to reveal things about her life you don't want to know. I don't know your story, but I guess the usual advice would be not to hold onto much hope of reconciliation, just keep trying to move forward and keep contact to a minimum I guess. One things for sure, being forced to see your ex regularly is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

[tacs1895]

Thanks for the responses (and thanks DN for moving this to its own thread).

 

I think it is safer just to carry on as I have been. It's risky for me to ask what she was crying about, if it is something serious (either something where it would be appropriate to offer support, or something related to reconciliation), then I must trust that it will become clear in due course. But on the basis of one little episode it's best to just leave her to her own issues, and trust that she has other friends to turn to for support.

 

Nonetheless, it feels funny. Reconciliation or not, she is still is someone I care for, even if from afar, and seeing her upset is uncomfortable because it is in my nature to want to see if she is ok, and not to ignore her distress. But I think I have to be a little stubborn about putting myself first, and just carry on because the potential for setting myself back is there. And if it was to do with anything significant in one way or another then just to be patient and trust in things finding their way.

[tacs1895]

I just discovered through facebook that an old and close family friend of hers has passed away, who was quite a mentor-like figure for her. So this probably explains her crying the other day, it had happened a few days earlier.

 

(Of course, as ever, I don't know fully for sure. Could it have also been that she wished to tell me about it but was feeling hurt that we don't talk any more... she had introduced me to him a couple of years ago and I knew that he was important to her.... I'm not trying to clutch at straws here... The most likely reality is that she was sad at his passing. Any more than that is pure speculation, and once again, I won't cling to some vague hope of what it might or might not mean, and trust if there is more to be said that the time will come...)

 

(By the way, I don't look at her on facebook, but it came up in my news feed because many other friends had commented on her status, and so I did then check to see what had happened)

 

I feel very strange. If I'm really honest, deep down I held some hope that it was something related to me, and I confess to being disappointed that it's not. I feel bad admitting that, because I feel like my initial reaction should be one of sympathy for her loss. I am, of course, sympathetic for her, but I can't honestly say that was my first response. So that doesn't make me feel good about myself. And it puts my own stage of acceptance firmly into context - i.e. my own, basically selfish, feelings about her are deep down still strong enough to override the kinder, sympathetic response which I feel would be more appropriate.

 

Also, I now feel it would be proper to offer my condolences to her, although I'm uncomfortable with it as I'd really rather not have contact with her, for my own well-being. I can send a quick email. Or I can briefly mention it in person in a few days when I will next see her. Slightly for more uncomfortable for me to do, but a kinder action. And I feel that in a case like this I should really put the other person's feelings ahead of my own well-being, if just for a brief moment. If not for sodding facebook I wouldn't even know about it, I wish I just hadn't heard about it and wasn't in this position. And again, once more I feel bad for admitting that, because I feel selfish that the impact of this event is basically triggering my own personal feelings again, when in the immediate present, hers is the greater loss and it would be more compassionate to feel for her at this time.

[mhowe]

You are just looking for an excuse to get in contact with her. To find out that her crying is not about you, and your first response is disappointment is the dead give away. You are not putting her feelings above your own if you contact her --- you are thinking of you. If she wanted to be in touch with you, she would. Feel compassion --- don't act on it. Leave her alone.

[tacs1895]

I can honestly say that's not the case, that I'm looking for an excuse to talk. If I'm frank, I do get a bit frustrated by responses from other people telling me what I'm 'really' thinking or doing. I know it's well intentioned, but I also know that personally I don't respond very well to the slightly harsh 'cruel to be kind' type of advice that's often given. Having said, that I don't want to seem like I'm disregarding what you say (and also, I've read many posts of yours, mhowe, often in a slightly more sympathetic tone, which I've found very helpful, in my own other threads and elsewhere).

 

So I stand by what I wrote in my post above, I'm not just looking for an excuse. If nothing else, I feel I do have a good grasp of what I think and feel about the situation, I'm not trying to delude myself, or on the odd occasions I do I can catch myself doing it very quickly now (it wasn't previously the case). I would genuinely prefer not to talk to her about it, for my own sake. I've made an such an effort to reduce the contact I have with her to an absolute minimum, even though I see her often, as I've explained throughout this thread. And keeping that contact to a minimum has helped me, so I've already learned that it's better for me that way. I also acknowledged my own reaction - what you called the 'give away' - as putting into context how far I'm over her... i.e. not completely yet. Yes, there's a part of me that still hopes for her to make contact, but I haven't acted on that myself. I admitted my disappointment her tears were not to do with me. But that's not the same as saying that I'm now using the real source of her grief as an excuse to contact her (if that was the case, there are dozens of excuses I could have used before now). My genuine reaction along with the disappointment was also to think that the decent thing to do would be to acknowledge her loss, even though I'd rather not have contact with her. The death of someone close is a big deal, and for me, it seems proper to offer a sympathetic acknowledgement, and I think it should be possible to do that independently of the breakup situation. I already know that as little contact as possible is the best for me, but I do also believe that there are odd events which allow for the occasional exception in following "NC" or whatever, and something like a bereavement would be one of those. Particularly in a case such as mine where the breakup wasn't acrimonious, where we had been close friends before, and where we ultimately do still both care for one another as people, even if the romantic relationship is over. So if I do decide to offer my condolences (and I haven't definitely decided I will) it will be genuinely to show sympathy and nothing more. I would do it very shortly and briefly, maybe even just a one line email will suffice.

 

Having said all that, I do appreciate the alternative that you offer - to feel compassion without acting on it - and am grateful for that suggestion, and will think about it. It would certainly be better for my own well being, and that suggestion made me realise that I don't have to feel guilty if I don't offer my condolences directly. But if I am acting genuinely out of sympathy, rather than an excuse to contact, then I do believe that a brief but supportive comment to her, either written or in person, would be gratefully received and count for more than me just feeling sympathy from afar. I just have to weigh that up against my own well being.

[mhowe]

I didn't mean to be harsh -- somedays my compassion filter is stronger than others! By all means, send a snail mail sympathy card ---

[tacs1895]

Thanks. One of my biggest frustrations on forums is feeling misunderstood, and yet it's so often nobody's fault just because of the nature of trying to express yourself, to people who don't know you, just through typing And I'm also aware that's it's just as possible for me to misunderstand someone else, for exactly the same reasons. But even if I did read your post as being harsher than you meant, I knew it was still well-intentioned.