She came back, made promises, and left again. What do I do now?

[NoDice]

Seems like I was just here two months ago pouring my heart out about this girl who I was and unfotunately still am in love with. I tried to take the advice of earlier posts, and I did work on myself which I thought was the issue. Here is my old post. enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=391175

 

So after roughly 5 weeks of No contact (not including the random textand call at 4 weeks post break up), my ex calls me and leaves me a messege along the lines of I have a box of your stuff would you like me to return them? I hesitated and a few hours later texted back "No just toss them." This started a string of texts like "fine I will leave you alone", "I miss you! can we be friends?" I replied "I cannot just be friends with you, I can't trust you"

 

4 days go by and she keeps hounding me saying she doesn't know if she wants relationship but she wants me in her life which I ignore..

 

Finally one night later she asks if we can have another go and that she is going insane because she doesn't want to lose me and that if there is no chance at reconciliation I should just tell her so she can move on.. I waited a bit and replied "Things would have to be completely different, things would have to have changed in the way I was treated, it would have to be a completely new relationship". At this time I was really getting over her and had a much brighter outlook and was doing very well with my life. I tell her this and she says she still cares and thinks about me all the time and wants to make this work.

 

2 more days go by and she asks if we can meet and reconcile and that she has been doing a lot of thinking about us in our time apart and wants this to work out and will make it work.

I caved and said ok.

 

So we meet up, she looked just as gorgeous as ever, she smiled and commented on how I had become so much more handsome. We had a beer and talked for like 2 hours about how things went wrong and she admitted she realized the problem was her lack of communication and she took them out on me. How I was so great and how we would be open and truthfull this time around. We both agreed and had another, had some dinner and hugged, she came back to my place and we watched a movie and half way through she throws herself at me saying she missed me so much and how I was the greatest lover to her, and how sorry she is, and thanking me for taking her back. We have sex, sleep, I was super happy, she seemed like she had changed, we agreed to take our relationship slow(minus the sex obviously)..things were great for about 2 weeks, then she would be distant sometimes randomly, or say things like "I need to remember why I love you so much" because initially getting back into it she said we rushed the first time and her love for me was forced kind of. She started doing inconsiderate things, making me feel like a conveinence, being harsh for no reason, I would call her out and she would thank me because she said she needs to know when shes being a brat. A few days later we get into an argument about her inviting an ex of hers to a party in which I would be there and me rebuilding trust in her was asking a lot for me to deal with since previously he had been an issue in our past relationship, we fought, I hung up on her, I thought it was over, the next day she calls and apologizes and says her roomates invited him. We make up and talk about how to avoid that kind of stuff in the future.

 

So for the most part the second time around was really great, we had great times, a few hang ups but we told each other we would bust our asses to make see this through because it was totally worth it. All her friends when we got back were like you two are s cute/awesome/perfect, crying saying they missed me and that I am so great to her.

 

Then last saturday she doesn't answer her phone, and calls me later crying saying she might not feel the same way as me ever (I love her)..

She says she has been feeling like she doesn't know if this is working out and that daily she is on the fence, sometimes shes totally into this and other times she says it felt like too much work. I get a bit upset but ask her to give us a fighting chance and that dwelling on small things is pointless and that we have had more good times than bad by far, she gets quiet and is just like "ok, you are so sweet, thats why I like you you are so compassionate, caring, and such a good thinker." We hang out that night and she acts kind of weird says "she stresses herself out" shes a bit distant, I make dinner, we eat, shes quiet, says nothing nice to me, doesn't touch me at all, then hugs me all of the sudden and says shes tired and we should get to bed. She didn't want to cuddle at all, she says "I am so * * * * ing great to her and that I am the sweetest ever"..I tell her I love her and that I can't help but caring about people close to me, she smiles and rolls over, gives me a kiss. In the morning she leaves. Over the next couple days we text back and forth she says "Miss you cutie" or "Kisses" and random daily stuff.

 

so on last tuesday after she got off work she usually heads to my place, but she didn't, I call her up a while after she was off work and she says shes a lil tired, and I was like ok, well do you want me to come to your neighborhood then? Shes like "I am having the same feelings as I did before", said she doesn't like this relationship and that I haven't done anything wrong at all and that I am a wonderful great guy, but that she has been a * * * * * to me forever it seems and that she always seems to disappoint me, I convince her otherwise, but I agree with her shes been really ugly to me at times and that I deserve better from her, she says she understand and that she says that I do deserve so much better, but that she is not willing to change the way she acts towards me because she does not understand why its like that, and that its over. I begged a tiny bit and said well you need to communicate how you feel better and not sweep everything under the rug all the time, and I said please lets try and work this out, she said there is nothing to work out, it is all on her, she is to blame, and that she just wants to be alone right now. I told her that her problems wouldn't go away with me and that she is breaking my heart for the second time over the same bull * * * * . She starts crying and says she doesn't know what she wants anymore, I ask her "so you want this to be our last conversation?" she says no but understands if she is breaking up with me then I probably don't want to talk to her. I say well "thats your choice". I say goodbye and goodluck and hang up. over the next hour I paniced and called twice and sent 2 texts saying I don't know what I could have done differently and to give us some time and that guilt sucks. no answer obviously.

 

I am on 1 week of N/C now, I feel totally empty, exhausted, and heartbroken. When the same pattern as last time started happening I was quick to nip my contribution to the problem in the butt, but it seems she just let it ride. I am having a hard time not dwelling on it because, I don't know if she misses me? If she is even hurt by any of this? Or if this is a small break where she works on herself, I am nt one to wait around but I am also not going to rush into other women right now, because I ams till in love with her, its like she gets depressed over nothing, and takes it out on me, or is always unhappy with something. She drinks a ton of coffee, and seriously if I am around in the morning before she has her coffee she is so rude and bratty! I am just wondering if there is any hope? Am I just beating a dead horse into dust? I have no problem with N/C but my intuition is telling me two separate things that she made a mistake and will be back, and the other that she nailed the coffin shut this time and totally forgot about me.

 

 

I know this is long, and if any of you took time to read this I thank you so much, just trying to get balance from people not in my circle of friends that tell me "she'll be back again" or "F her she sucked so hard, she sees that now"..

 

 

Thank You!!!

[abitbroken]

I think not enough time passed to really undergo any big changes within the both of you, honestly. It was hard to start something new - its like being still "in it," but having gone on a business trip in between. I think that she genuinely missed you, but maybe when she came back she realized that the relationship was having the same issues, only with her realizing where she erred, but not ready or not able to change it. Sometimes two people just have a certain dynamic together.

 

I am not saying making a go of it won't ever happen, but to heal you need to believe in your mind that it is over and move on. When you move on, you can truly become a more mature, healed, etc, person. I think the issue on her end is she doesn't know what she wants or lacks confidence. On your end, maybe you just weren't the right match, but if she says things felt rushed in the beginning beginning and then you reconcile and are immediately sleeping together and are in to the routine of her coming over on her specificed days, etc., maybe you do tend to "jump in". Maybe with the next lady, really take it slow. Take time to actually date and let the relationship unfold (or with her, who knows.)

[NoDice]

Thank you so much! I admit I was still healing a bit when we got back together, in ways I was hoping what she said about it being different were true. Sleeping together was her idea, as well as her scheduling days we hang out, it wasn't always like that tuesdays were her friday so after work since I live in the downtown area of our city we would go out and have fun. I try not to jump in but I showed her when I felt I wanted to or needed to that I was 100% commited and willing to be there for her through whatever was going on. I am trying to move on, I am hanging out with a nice girl soon, not dating, no sex, nothing just to have female company and like you know have a new friend that happens to be a girl thats cute to kind of take my mind off her. I work on myself, I try and stay positive, but some nights and days I just feel that I was kind of used, I miss her to death, even her bratty side, but it seems shes unsure, shes vague and quiet which only makes matters worse. I do hope and I know its foolish. Thank you for your advice, it hurts still a week later like no other!

[abitbroken]

I think that you let her call all the shots. If you were still healing, there was no shame in saying "i would like to meet you, but I am still working through some things. Check back with me in a month or two."

 

BTW, I would not hang out with this young lady alone. You are still healing and looking for "female company" is not conducive to that. You didn't say "i am catching up with my old pal from school Sally", but having someone else to take your mind off of her is where rebounds happen, or at least distracting you from healing. You need to be by yourself. Hang out with old friends, volunteer, work on you - but actively seeking female companionship is going to wind you up with someone else who says things moved too fast too soon and you will be looking to fill a hole, not on a search to find the right match.

[NoDice]

Okay, I understand what you are telling now, my question is and as absurd as it may seem, because part of me is like oh man she was my "ideal" woman, I love her still, blah blah, did getting back together too early ruin my chances at future reconcilition with her? And as for the new girl, its just that I moved here a year or so ago, and many of my friends were mutual friends of my ex, or coworkers of ours, since we met at work. I am trying just to make new friends and it seems all my friends are mainly guys, I could see it though me using her as an emotional band aid, and even if I didn't want a relationship or anything more than a friendship I could be leading her on. I am a bit broken and nobody wants to have to deal with that.

[ForumGuy]

I think your ex is "on the fence daily", as she puts it, because the ex that was invited to the party is in the picture. When she said she "doesn't want to lose you", it is because things aren't going the way she would like with someone else. She does care for you and probably loves you too, but there is someone else in the picture who is pulling strings that unfortunately are connected to you. I am just guessing that the other guy is the ex that was at the party.

[NoDice]

I think your ex is "on the fence daily", as she puts it, because the ex that was invited to the party is in the picture. When she said she "doesn't want to lose you", it is because things aren't going the way she would like with someone else. She does care for you and probably loves you too, but there is someone else in the picture who is pulling strings that unfortunately are connected to you. I am just guessing that the other guy is the ex that was at the party.

 

The Ex never came to the party he had to work, she is just confused in general, when we first split she said she thought about me daily didn't date or sleep with anyone else, I don't see why he would really be a factor seeing as he is in a relationship now... but in general yeah she didn't communicate at all, yet I am pining over her daily, just really sucks...she said I was the best, that nobody touched her like I did, that she never felt safer, but I don't know what to think now...

[ChocoBears]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. My impression from reading your stories, the 2 breakups, is that I get the sense that she's not as into you as you are into her, and the disparity is making you put in a lot more effort than she's putting in, and that's not right for a healthy relationship. Sometimes when a person is too attentive and too "nice," it turns the other person away. Maybe to put it in even simpler terms, you two aren't a good match because you're always doing the chasing and she's calling all the shots. This feels kind of like the relationship I had with an ex a few years ago. I think you're just way more into her than she is to you.

 

Re: your 2nd breakup. Gosh, that's what I'm really scared of, because that's sort of like what I'm going through with my most recent ex, the one that brought me to this forum. He has said the same things as your ex, such as how he realizes his mistakes now and would maybe like another shot, but isn't 100% ready for reconciliation, and honestly, I don't really want to be with him anymore, as I realize he's a terrible bf, but I still have feelings for him, so I'm a bit torn. Anyway, I don't think people change that much.

 

My opinion would be to move on forever. Act like, who cares if she's coming back? Don't let her call all the shots this time. You make up your mind about what you want, and what you want isn't a girl like her. She may be your physical ideal, but is someone who treats you like that really your personality-wise ideal? You're doing way too much pleasing.

[NoDice]

I don't know what to think, tonight one week post second break-up a friend of mine who is a co worker explained to me he invited her out tonight unknowningly we split, saying come out tonight with your boy, its so and so's bday lets party... and she said " no i don't think i will do that at all' with muuch anger... Yes physically she is ideal because I am 6' 6 and she is nearly 6 foot...its ideal with other shallow factors contributing..but realistically we were not so awful, its like she makes the problems in her head, its like she just said * * * * it, her not being so into me isn't my worry because she thanked me for taking her back as for both the first for me and her and the fact in our time together she got off more than anyone else, and felt like it was meant to be, but now I am like * * * ? what did I do wrong , yeah I was too nice but she even said if you had called me out I would have flipped my * * * * .. 1 week to date * * * !?>?

[Ms Darcy]

No Dice might not want to hear this, but I think this is spot on.

 

I'm noticing this too in my own life. When I pull back, the other person gravitates. That's because I'm not doing all the work anymore. It doesn't mean she'll come back. But it means if you can stop being there for her she'll respect you more.

[snippot]

It is unfortunate that she said all of those things, and then did not follow through. Do not beat yourself up regarding BU #2. Most people on here would have a hard time not jumping when hearing those kinds of promises. It has happened a few time to me, and the problem was that I was not over the person and went right back to being over attentive. There really is no way around it, other than to be completely healed to a point you can truly take it or leave it. Remember the saying .. "fool me once"... well you have to remember that next time she pulls this, its on you because you know better.

Hang in there...It really does get better.

[NoDice]

I really hope it does get better, I saw her on the bus while waiting at a stop, I ducked behind some building and broke down after.

[okiedokiestomp]

NoDice, you should check out some of the Push-Pull threads on here. there are a couple of really good ones that have great insite. Also look into the book Passion Trap that touches on this dynamic regarding how relationship imballances occur and how they destroy relationships. It has many light bulb moments..

[SethSLC]

I agree with Darcy. I went through basically the same situation as you and had the same results. Mine just happened to have a longer break (give or take 5-6 months) before we started "hanging out" again. That lasted for about another 6 months before the "pressure" became too much. Same as you I was giving way more than getting and you think you're just picking up the extra slack for a while, when in reality I think you're putting pressure on them because they're aware that they're not giving as much as you are. They are then "On the Fence" like you said.

 

Best advice I think is to just try and let go. I think you can still talk every once in a while but not about anything to do with a relationship. Also don't be as available if they need you. In time I think it gets better. The other route just leads to us being "Back Burners" something as like a security blanket or "Just in Case". I don't want to be that anymore for her, and I hope you too find that realization.

 

Good luck

[NoDice]

It is good to hear I am not alone in this. My question and or issues are the constant wondering "if" or I mean it has almost been 2 weeks and I still think she is my ideal girl, I can put up with the bratty crap here and there but she was everything I was looking for almost to a T. She has made no attempt to contact me and because I said "this is the last conversation we will have" right before we got off the phone that I have doomed myself into any hope at one day reuniting with her. Any advice? My friends still work with her, and see her all the time so its like shes gone but still close.

[wartorn]

People in the responses here might have various opinions about this, but in my estimation this girl's got some issues. Push, pull, push, pull, apologize, assert, apologize, assert... Whatever it is, whether it's her fault or not psychologically, you were being used as a human emotional punching bag.

 

I don't think it's worth analyzing the ins and outs of this behavior -- it's almost impossible to tell what's going on in her head; you can be sure of one thing: you can be sure that you can't be sure at all with this one. And that's enough to wear anyone down.

 

You might have confidence, but someone you love or have strong feelings for is going to wear you down if they're 'on the fence' about you, it'll make you feel insecure at the worst. There's probably no greater pain than 'not really knowing', seeing bad behavior and hanging onto hope, only to get stabbed.

 

Your best bet is to forcibly distance yourself, take the bull by the horns at any cost. Realize that she says what she needs to say in order to do what she needs to do, which is to get you to act in a certain way or view things in a certain way. It's manipulation. Go NC in a real way, ignore her, and try to derive strength from that decision.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but that's my view of it.