Fear

[ECD]

"So-and-so has been giving me signals, should I ask them out?". "I am too shy to talk to so-and-so, or ask them out".

 

We have all seen countless questions of this kind on the forum. It seems most people that posts here have the same problem: Fear, and the lack of confedence.

 

I can write a 5 page essay on this topic if I wanted to, but I will keep it short and simple. How many times have you had a great opportunity to do something, but you missed it because you were afraid of failure? One word: Fear. Fear of things like trying out for a sports team because you arent good at it and were scared of humiliation, fear of getting rejected by the girl you like, or just simply the fear of trying to learn a hard trick on a skateboard because you were afraid to fall? I can name countless examples of how fear prevents people from doing what they want.

 

Fear can be conquered by overcoming it and simply doing whatever you want to do. The next time you meet that hot girl at the mall who is interested in you, do not be afraid of rejection and simply ASK HER NUMBER. The WORST thing that can happen is you dont get the number.

 

Yes, rejection and failure hurts, Ive been there myself lots of times. But hell, wouldnt you rather be relieved that you actually grabbed your b@lls, tried something and failed, then avoiding it and regretting it, maybe even for the rest of your life? Let me tell you something from experience: a bruised ego is WAY better then staying up countless nights and asking "What would happen if I did?"

W

hat is the main message behind this post? It is that when you are faced with an opportunity, you should grab your b@lls and take the chance rather then being a pu$$y and avoiding it. Your will power is stronger then your mind and stronger then fear.

 

Do not live a lifetime of regret because fear stopped you, and do not let fear control your life.

[swedeace]

It's been a very recent experience where I had a *major* crush on this guy at my job. I work in computer classrooms as a computer technician, and he's a student. For over a year, I've always thought he was cute but never really cared about approaching him or even flirting with him. Then, come mid-June 2004, and I fall very weak in the knees almost as though Cupid shot his arrow at me.

 

I began just content with walking through the computer classroom where he took two of his computer classes and just hanging out in it for a longer time than usual. It's, by the way, part of my job to walk in and out of the computer labs to help students, fill up the printers, assist instructors, etc. So it was such an EASY excuse for me just to "capture glimpses" at him.

 

I would see him four days a week (Monday through Thursday), and as each passing week came, the more tempted I wanted to get closer and closer for him to notice me. It started as trying to get near him for him to see me, then I attempted smiling at him, then I attempted greeting him, then I attempted making small talk, and finally... the biggest of them all.... I was debating whether or not to ask him out....

 

It was my *very* first time I had such a major crush and also my first time thinking about dating, so I had no previous dating experience. thereforeeee, what was I to do? Do I ask him out or do I continue talking with him?

 

As you mentoined about the "shyness in asking someone out...." that was sooo me. It felt awkward. I, personally, didn't feel shy, but I felt much more fear than that: the possibility of rejection. What if he had a girlfriend or wasn't interested in me, was all I thought about that final week in mid-July 2004 when I had a mental countdown before actually going through with it. That is what *my* fear was. I mean, I realize no one likes rejection, bla, bla, bla... but when one is so in tuned with this situation of going ga-ga over someone they really like and are hoping for a possible hookup, this is most common.

 

As the time ticked all day long on "that" day of Thursday, July 15, 2004, I felt so nervous. I became calmer as the hours neared for my "synchronized" plan, but as I saw him sitting in his computer seat, I grew even more fearful. I decided, with the rooting of my co-worker friends, it was now or never to take the plunge. I nervously went up to his computer and began straightening up nearby computers. My heart was beating, and I felt my heart beating so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my skin!!

 

I then nervously say, "Can I speak with you for a second" and pointed towards the hallway. I felt my voice quivering while my body shook. He said, "Sure" and walked outside of the classroom with me. At this point, two of my co-worker friends (who I asked for them to watch my reactions and non-verbal cues through the classroom windows) walked inside the classroom as we walked outside the classroom. This way, he won't see them "listening." That moment I asked him, I felt like I was going to pass out. It was, seriously, one of the most scariest things I've ever done - including going to Europe alone last year!!

 

I asked, "Would you like to have lunch on Saturday?" His answer was, "Well, I work all weekend." Then I desperately proceded with a "What about some evening next week?" He then "took the hint" I was asking him out, and he mentioned, "I don't know if you know this, but I'm gay and am already in a relationship, if you were asking me out." I then felt I had a blank stare written accross my face. It was at this point of this epiphany I realized my dreams were shattered with no chance of being with him. But... he mentioned, "... but we can exchange emails if you want to hang out as friends. I'm so sorry." At that point, I said, "Yes, I'd like that." I was still in shock just like this smile ---> I was shaking for a while, thereafter.

 

You're right.. if it's a dream, we should just "go for it." I don't regret one bit doing this. I'm glad I did because I gained a friend.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with everyone.

[Celadon]

Good posts and good points, both of you! I agree, being locked in fear is worse than sticking your neck out and going for what you want. (Uh, i'll try to remember that the next time I'm quivering with fear.

 

Swedace, thanks so much for sharing your story. You had courage! I feel so inspired, I really do. And it was awfully kind of him to offer to exchange e-mails and nice that he said "I'm so sorry." It's not easy to ask someone out, but it's also not easy to gently turn someone down. So nice that you gained a friend!

[ECD]

[Tom_Bombadil]

A few months ago I just began to get over my fear of rejection...again.

 

A couple years ago I had a rather unpleasant experience. For several months a had quite a crush on a girl I would see on my way to class. The day I finally gained enough courage to talk to her, a friend of mine approached her against my wishes and told her I liked her. I don't know if he was trying to help me or be funny, but her response was very hurtful. A look of disgust came accross her face and then her and her friends all pointed and laughed at me. It didn't stop there though. For months afterwards her and her friends would walk past me and make snide comments and they would even follow me from a distance and make fun of me.

 

When I think about it now, I can't believe I actually liked someone so mean and immature. It took a while to get over the fear, but now I am dating someone far nicer and much more mature.

[swedeace]

To K8tieKool: Good posts and good points, both of you! I agree, being locked in fear is worse than sticking your neck out and going for what you want. (Uh, i'll try to remember that the next time I'm quivering with fear.

The fear itself can "feel" most damaging and very intimidating. I have learned that crushes have *so* much power and control because of the crushee's existence that make us take note of them. It's such a strong emotion that can be quite time-consuming, especially at that point when the crush-er "wants" to approach the crushee. So yeah... the "quivering with fear" can actually be a good thing. It's that adrenaline rush that can sometimes "push" us to actually go through with it. I think I surprised myself the most when I actually *went through it.* That was so not me, but it's very re-assuring having gone through this experience. I know so many people who have told me they wouldn't have the courage.

 

It's funny how ECD mentioned the "having balls" thing because after I asked my pre-friend out, one of my co-workers told her boyfriend my story, and he said, "Wow! She's got balls!!!" That was soooo re-assuring!!

 

Swedace, thanks so much for sharing your story. You had courage! I feel so inspired, I really do.

Thank you so much!! I'm so glad it inspires others in thinking the same. I definitely *do* recommend just "going for the gold." It's very hard and frustrating, but just do it. Think of it as an life experience.

 

And it was awfully kind of him to offer to exchange e-mails and nice that he said "I'm so sorry."

Yes, I agree as well!! I thought he was just soooo sweet!!! He also told me he was "very flattered" considering he's gay. After getting to know him by conversing more, I found he is very, very nice. I also found out some things through some of his instructors, so that was a plus. I do admit, however, those few times after seeing him and talking with him as "friends" I still had those "nervous feelings recur, and I still think he's cute. But.. hey - who says we can't think our friends are cute? Hehehe... Well, I am not worried because I know he's off-limits.

 

Tom_Bombadil: I'm sorry to hear about that girl and how mean she was, but look at it this way - at least you found out how she *really* is. She isn't worth the effort, and it's good you learned it through an unfortunate experience. I agree with you about getting over the fear. It's so true what you said....

[swedeace]

It's not easy to ask someone out, but it's also not easy to gently turn someone down. So nice that you gained a friend!

You're right, and it was "at the spur of the moment" for him to be listening to my asking him out. And I can't imagine it being reversed to gently letting someone down who one isn't interested in without offering friendship.

[Celadon]

You're right, and it was "at the spur of the moment" for him to be listening to my asking him out. And I can't imagine it being reversed to gently letting someone down who one isn't interested in without offering friendship.

 

Yeah, I was in that situation once and didn't handle it as well as your friend. I think it was a shock, so when I turned him down it was just a quick "No, thank you" and he just stood there with his mouth hanging open and then practically ran away. But I learned something from that -- to be nicer if asked, and to be gracious if I am rejected.

[ECD]

Very interesting stories.

[tobereleased]

People should keep posting about how they overcame their fear. We hear so much about their fearfull situations, so hearing stories about when they went for it is a welcomed change.

 

Plust its motivating me to make my move

 

This is my third year at college. I've always been nervous when talking to girls. I talk to girls everyday, but each time i get a wave of fear come over me.

 

I've gotten comfortable with it... to some extent. I've always been a friend. and for the most part, thats the way i wanted it. But now i want more than that..

 

But i'm tooo scared....

 

 

. Anyways, this new semester i have this class. Package Design. I'm the only male in there... And every girl in there is attractive. Even the teacher!! She has a sexy accent too.

 

so you can imagiine my first day in there... i'm all quiet and barely say anything..

 

so it seems like a good situation to confront my fears. I'm going to be brave enough and try to flirt with the teacher.

 

She's single!

 

I'm a pretty talented student, so she'll definitely notice me. Thats one of the only things i'm confident about, my work. I'm not aiming for a relationship with her. But i'm going to approach her anyways...

 

Wish me luck!!

 

** I'm probably going to be rejected, but i think thats the point, to get over the fear of rejection. and perhaps being rejected will be the first step to getting over it.

[swedeace]

tobereleased: Good point about people should keep on posting motivating stories of this subject. It's really invigorating reading people's stories. I agree so much! You mentioned you were "really scared" because of the "fear of rejection," but that's with everyone. I know you will be thinking, "I know it happens to everyone, bla, bla, bla..." I thought the same thing. You just need to just push yourself and give yourself that energy to just go for it. I wish you luck with approaching your teacher!!!

 

K8tie Kool: Interesting story about how the other person practically ran away after being kindly rejected. I honestly did not even think about running away or anything. I just stood frozen with shock, but I think it was because I really liked him at the time I was just happy with shocked mixed in at the same time inside of me.

[ECD]

The main thing about approach is just stop thinking and do it. Just shut off your mind completely and follow your instinct.

[ShySoul]

Good to hear stories of people overcoming their fears. It's a hard thing to do but its necessary if we ever want to grow. Wish I could say I've overcome my fear but I haven't. I met this wonderful girl that I grew to like more than I've ever liked anyone else. She was nice, beautiful, smart and everything I could ever want. She was a true friend, and it's hard for me to make friends. But I let my fear get the best of me. I haven't seen her in months and lost my chance. I still love her but its too late. So for whoever's reading this, don't let your fear control you. Living with the regret of not asking is worse than anything she could have said.

 

Just wondering if anyone else has this problem. Everyone always says their afraid of rejection. But is anyone else afraid the other person will like you back? I was scared that she might actually like me as well. I've never had a relationship and the thought of not being alone and having someone to be with made me a nervous wreck.

[warnerbro1]

Yeah, I think I may fear success more than failure when it comes to trying to date someone.

[swedeace]

After all my previous posts, I think it doesn't get any easier the second time around. I am crushing on another guy, and I plan on asking him out to coffee or lunch this Friday. I am trying to psych myself out and not feel so nervous. I mean, what's wrong with me? Last fear, I felt like queen of the world because *I* was brave to confront a crush, and then now with this one, I feel just as nervous. I think it's because this crush is shy AND quiet. Last year's guy was ONLY quiet. I mean, I feel SO good about having asked the guy out and everything, but why am I still feeling this way?

 

How can we make this "nervous" feeling go away?

[eviljedi]

How can we make this "nervous" feeling go away?

 

Ask him!

[Celadon]

Deep breaths, maybe?

 

And good, positive self-talk. No "what ifs" -- like "What if he says no?" "what if I get spinach stuck in my teeth beforehand?" Instead think calm, happy thoughts. "Hm, this guy is so nice. I'm just gonna 'open the door' and see if he'll walk through." And, "I'm a friendly, caring person. If he'll allow me, I want to get to know him better."

 

You can do it! Good luck!

[swedeace]

Well, I went for it.... I can tell I boosted up his confidence as he and I were more and more comfortable with chit-chatting and flirting back-and-forth. I asked if he wanted to go out for coffee sometime, and he paused and chuckled nervously with a "yeah, sure." I gave him my contact info, but I don't have his - I wanted HIM to show ME if he's interested. Still ten days later and NOTHING from him.

 

Now I feel stupid and embarrassed.... I thought everything was going well and then this? I feel like crawling into a hole.... *sigh*

[sara-pezzini]

hi swedeace,i wouldn't worry too much about him not calling you,since you already know that he is shy,this could be the reason that he didn't call...I know this from own experience...I fell in love with a very sweet and shy guy..at my workplace,to complicate things even more...I had a strong feeling that he also had feelings for me,and after a few weeks I finally found courage inside.I walked up to him and asked him if I could ask him something,he smiled and said,yes of course,(which gave me more courage!!)and I asked him if he would like to come to my house and I would then cook him dinner...He said that he would like that very much!!! Well I gave him my number so that he could call when he wanted to set a date(he was at that time very busy)He never called,and I got the feeling that he was playing with me,but I still had the feeling that he liked me,so I basically put my pride aside and asked him again...and again...and I am happy to say that since Valentinesday we are a couple!!!!still there are some problems but I at least know that he feels the same about me!!!!! so if I hadn't persued this,it wouldn't have happened because of his shyness!!!so you must decide for yourself if he is worth to "fight"for or not!!I wish you GOODLUCK...and don't give up hope too soon!!!

[swedeace]

Thanks, Sara-Pezzini! I'm glad you, at least, have faith in me....

 

My only problem is that I did not get the guy's number, so I'm basically just waiting for him and his response. Just waiting and waiting and waiting.... Do not know whether he is too shy and taken away from that experience or if he's not interested. thereforeeee, may not know whether or not she'll see him again next semester. I feel heart broken, now...

[sara-pezzini]

do you have any way of seeing him?do you know where he works or hangs out or something?do you know people that know him?based on my experience with an extreme shy guy I'd say that he is just too shy to call,which is difficult if you are shy because what if you don't know anything to say?face to face is easier than calling,if on the phone the conversation stops is weird,face to face you can smile or whatever...on the other hand it can also be that he just said yes out of politeness...but that is not my initial thought,anyway I hope he surprises you and calls you,you never know....(or could even be that he is sick or on vacation?? )

[swedeace]

Thanks again, Sara-Pezzini!

 

I actually did get an email today... hehe.. he was so sweet in apologizing for being so late and even added some humor to his email by saying I could curse him out or send a Voodoo curse on him. How funny....

 

Apparently from his email, he enjoyed talking with me! He is just not ready to be dating at the moment because he's going through personal things at the moment. Just as I suspected through our conversation that Friday. He was upfront and honest that he's not dating right now nor is he gay.

 

He did enjoy talking with me and wants to talk more... That's just so sweet of him! I will just keep on being a friend to him. Being a friend to a person is such a jewel, above all.

[sara-pezzini]

congratulations!!!!! I'm happy for you and I think that being his friend right now is a great way to get started,that is how it started for me too!!!!!and at least he is honest about it and you know that you judged his character right!!

[swedeace]

Thanks, Sara_Pezzini!!

 

We have been emailing each other nearly everyday since Tuesday, and it's just so nice to be able to relate with each other. Hehe... I can see he has a hilarious sense of humor - he's a jokester!

 

In any way, I told him I respect his decision and offered if he needed to talk or anything, he can think of me.

[corvidae]

Actually I'm pretty fearless. I mean, I wouldn't have a problem about asking someone out, but only if I knew them a bit, I wouldn't just go up to someone randomly. I must say that so far this strategy has proved less than useless. It just means I've been turned down a lot